How do you decide if someone is right for you?

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My point is none of those things are necessary, I'm not prescribing that people ignore them entirely, because of course they won't. What does vary is the degree each one of those are important to an individual.

this is human nature. We tend to project because our frame of reference is limited to our own experiences. being open to new experiences means having higher levels of tolerance for difference and (to some extent) give and take. I kind of understand the reluctance to invest time and effort into a relationship that is unlikely to bear any fruit, but on a personal level I have always been inclined to give everyone a chance.

People can be open to new experiences while having a clear idea of what they do or don't need in a partner.
Some of those things are necessary to me/some people to some degree as far as determining if a person might be a good fit or not. I wouldn't date anyone who was conservative for example. Once again, I'm just pointing out that there's a lot of individual variation. I'd much rather stay single than date someone who votes for Trump, who does not care about human rights, and/or who engages in some form of bigotry (e.g. sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, etc.). I'm sure most conservative, religious, and/or bigoted people wouldn't want to date me, either.

With all that being said, I do not expect (or want!) to have everything in common with a partner. I just know from my own personal experiences with dating, relationships, and marriage what is important and necessary to me. I acknowledge that most will have completely different needs than I do.

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 13 Sep 2024, 1:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

Thanks for sharing! See? That wasn't so hard, was it? The power was inside you the entire time!

It's also really cute the way you edit out all those inconvenient parts of people's posts, and only reply to the parts you want to talk about. There are healthier ways to instigate a conversation. Just sayin'

Fair enough. I respect each person's personal preferences. Although I suspect you will respond with "I don't need your opinions"

You are most welcome. But are you saying the way I "instigate" conversations is somehow toxic? heaven forbid...never my intention.

I believe I quite literally said that there are healthier ways. It's even right there in the quote you quoted.

People can develop social strategies both deliberately and incidentally. Just sayin'

So! Any other thoughts on the topic at hand?

trial by stone

Is paraphrasing that bad when there is only a few parts of a post you want to address?.
I suppose I could use highlighting, but I feel no guilt at selecting the parts I wish to respond to as long as I don't alter the poster's intent.

I'm interpreting this (in operational language) to mean my approach is < healthy which is literally therefore "unhealthy" which I interpret as "toxic"
I assume your capacity to communicate/understand written English is at least equal to mine if not (as I think you insinuated) well above mine.

I believe once upon a time you and I used to be on the same page with our general approach and I recall I have been quite supportive of your posts historically. Interesting how things have changed.

Its also interesting this thread is in love and dating, but I think the OP is effectively saying that spontaneous decisions on whether somebody is a potential intimate partner is not appropriate and that people should become friends first and learn about each other over time so that each person can find out if they can take the next step and
a. move in together
b. joint bank accounts
c. get married
d. have kids
the dilemma according to the OP is how long does one take before they know this person "is the one" and that they are "right for you".

But Cyberdad's approach is that the process is actually the same whether you are seeking a friend or intimate partner. And here's where it get's even more interesting. My definition of a "friend" is very flexible. Probably more flexible than most "muggles". I give people a chance at the beginning. Even if they are contacts by association (in the same space as a larger "group" F2F or happen to regularly cross paths in shops or in virtual space (like WP) then I have no issue being "friendly" with anyone in those spaces. What changes is the degree of closeness.

In a friendship group there might be a group of people (lets say 5 males and 5 females). the level of closeness will vary between individuals in the group. For example the females might gravitate with each other to do shopping for clothes. the males might get together for playing football or video games. But everyone is in each other's space and there is no issue about personal space because we are all part of the group.
.

And being in the same spaces means the following don't matter
1. common interests
2. common upbringing
3. common experiences
4. seeing things the same way.
5. common culture
6. common politics
7. common tastes

Anyone know why Seinfeld and Friends were such popular sitcoms in the 1990s? Because the friendship groups bought together individuals who on their own might not tolerate each other because differences in the above 7 scales but somehow they operated as a group and this was the whole point of the shows, it was the crucial element in the entertainment factor and the success of the sitcoms.

An interesting thing started to happen over time, their shared experiences began to bring all of them closer together. Personal growth and also social bonds leading ultimately to members of the group to start dating each other.

So why is Cyberdad going on one of his usual rants? because the answer to the question "How do you decide if someone is right for you? the answer is it doesn't matter. If you choose to be in the same spaces then the decision is largely made for you. Whether it's your "bro", fellow dude, dudette or your intimate other.

^ It absolutely does matter to some people. I’m around a lot of the same folks on a regular basis here and elsewhere but that doesn’t mean that I’d have any interest in dating most of them or hanging out for the reasons I already stated.

I wouldn’t be friends with folks whose views I find repugnant on some level. I’ve chosen not to be friends with someone in my family who is transphobic. People often form friendships with people over common interests. I tend to have stuff in common (from the above list) with the folks around here I consider my friends. For me, there’s a marked difference between someone who is a friend and an acquaintance although an acquaintance can become a friend if we have things in common and get along.

I just don’t think you can say that things don’t matter in a general sense when they obviously do to a lot of people. You can truthfully say that something doesn’t matter to you. The thread is about how do you decide if someone is right for you. There’s not going to be one answer that’s universally true.

Yes I see your point, I should qualify my conclusion as aspirational rather than prescriptive - but let me explain my thought process.

And this is why I said my definition of friendship is different to most. As human beings we all become fixated with qualities that people display but we overlook all the other qualities that person/other people have. Of course if somebody choose to ignore me or is rude, I am not going to pursue that person and ask them to be my friend, but only because I don't want to be perceived that I am harassing them. So from my perspective it's "do no harm" rather than focusing on the other person acting like a dickhead. People act a certain way, it does not mean they are how they act. But yes, I acknowledge that if a person is in my space and acts in a toxic way it will impact me psychologically so (yes) I would minimise being in the same space as somebody who knowingly causes psychological or physical (violence) harm.

But most of us move in the same spaces with people who might not immediately be "friend material", It could be extended family, work place, clubs, societies, church or wider friendship group where your "bestie" is also besties with somebody who irks you. But why are they irksome? assuming its not because of causing harm, but its because they have tattoos, they have blue hair, they are overweight or are poor, old, young or something that doesn't align with how you are. Maybe its worth giving them a chance. If it doesn't work out and you see them regularly then just make sure you smile and wave at least like you acknowledge they exist and are fellow human beings on this crazy journey.

I have never decided not to be friends with people for such silly reasons. With me, it’s more about not having common interests or not hitting it off for some other reason. I do know what works for me when it comes to friendships and romantic relationships. The fact that it’s different from the way you do things isn’t at all surprising to me. Once again, we’re all different. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 13 Sep 2024, 9:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.