Love Shyness.

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pbcoll
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15 Dec 2007, 10:52 am

sands wrote:

I know that it will be hard for guys to accept this as being true, but women are just as shy as you guys are. It's hard for us to make those first moves and then when we are attracted to someone with aspergers we never know if you are interested or not. I know I can say some of the most flirty things to the person I am attracted to and he will act like he doesn't know what I mean. Do I really have to come out and say exactly how I feel about him? :oops:

Yes, you do. We are not good at reading minds.

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cerasela
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15 Dec 2007, 1:01 pm

greenblue wrote:

well, I have good reasons to be very shy or afraid I think, which I need to work on other stuff first.

I am curious what are you reffering to, not because I am trying to be an obnoxious curious woman, but I am genuinely interested, maybe it's not so complicated like it seems...I can tell you from a woman's standpoint if it's a "deal breaker" (I am just joking, there is no such thing as a deal breaker in my world and for many many other people, also). You can pm if you want. I am sorry I didn't catch this post last night, I was too tired at 4 in the morning...write.

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Kilroy
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15 Dec 2007, 1:59 pm

Trying in my experiance is the first step to falure

sands
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15 Dec 2007, 10:07 pm

I think if you find someone that really likes you for you that you will not fail. You know the only real disabilities are peoples attitudes? If someone cares about you they will accept you warts and all.

cerasela
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15 Dec 2007, 10:20 pm

Recently I told someone that I like him for being him...it's funny you reminded me of my love declaration...but I have to be liked back...otherwise it's useless...you feel like you are just intruding into his life... I thought that he liked me, too, but...I don't know. Why do men expect that a woman would call them? Is this a stupid question? If the society is patriarchal (however you call it), that's what I am going to do, I refuse to call a man. I give him the OK to call me and that's it, I will not call, it's cheap, unless you are into an established relationship, whatever that means, I don't even know anymore... Call it or lose it...kind of. I feel like I am getting agitated...LOL...

About the disability that a bad attitude gives you...I have a really nice manager at work (and OF COURSE, she's quitting...) and she always has this saying in the end of the work emails..."Your attitude determines your altitude"...I must be flying really high, in the clouds, because it doesn't seem that nobody notices my good attitude anywhere...LOL...but that does not make the statement wrong, it's true.

Last edited by cerasela on 15 Dec 2007, 10:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Kilroy
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15 Dec 2007, 10:22 pm

I never knew the basis on calling
but if I got a number, I'd be so excited that I'd have to call :lol:

cerasela
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15 Dec 2007, 10:29 pm

Well, it seems that not all man are like you...some are just full of games and the bad thing is that the man (mine in discussion here) has AS. So you would expect that he would have some sense in him and understand where I am coming from... Actually where I am coming from is this: I was raised conservative, I don't play NT games, because I don't know how, I am sincere, I only "once" cheated on someone and I told him (I still feel bad about it, because I don't know what the hell was wrong with me to do that) and it is very cheap to call a man, specially after you slept with him and you don't know what the heck is going on. This post would be the first one I might regret...but what the hell...
I forgot to mention that the man in question here reproach me for not calling him...it's not like he called and I pretended I could not answer, does it make any sense?

Kilroy
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15 Dec 2007, 10:34 pm

its okay...

I donno, maybe its because I am so desprete, that I'd call her and stuff
but I donno-I am loyal beyond all anything...
but women refuse to get to know me...
No woman has ever showed interest in me, I've had one online (only) relationship-if you could even call it that :roll:
and it was well just like most other "friendships" I've had (if you could call them that)
I don't try to hook up or bother much saying hi to new people
don't see any point anymore

sands
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15 Dec 2007, 10:41 pm

I know I am interested in someone that has aspergers and it is me who does most of the calling. He is just to shy to call. He has no problem with emails though. Sometimes I just like to hear his voice. I'm NT, but I would hardly call myself normal. What is normal anyway? I think all people should just be accepted for who they are. By the way, my opinion differs on the norm. I think people with aspergers have as many feelings as anyone else (maybe more) they just have a hard time knowing how to show them.

cerasela
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15 Dec 2007, 10:56 pm

Kilroy, I wish you would be face to face with me and we would have a talk...there is no way that everything is over, like it seems. I am not bashing you, I am just saying. You can pm if you want. There is no way...you have to believe that the best is ALWAYS yet to come.

Quote:

I think all people should just be accepted for who they are.

I know it seems off the wall, but I am feeling from your post that you don't regard AS people as being jerks/weird/freaks/insensitive, like I almost always feel from NT's. I have a lava of feelings in me, but in real life you would only see me as a shy woman, with very bad temper tantrums...

Kilroy
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15 Dec 2007, 10:58 pm

I'm PMing you

sands
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15 Dec 2007, 11:15 pm

You're right I don't see people with aspergers as being anything of the sort. I guess I see it as I would someone that couldn't see or couldn't hear. If they couldn't see you would have no problem describing yourself or things around them to them. If they couldn't hear you would have no problem writing stuff down for them. Why should people who have aspergers be treated any different? What's wrong with people actually saying what they mean and not doing the hint thing. I'm sure I would consider you shy, but I would make the effort to try to make you feel comfortable around me.

cerasela
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24 Dec 2007, 11:47 pm

I wish everybody would have your attitude (kindness, acceptance, patience and compassion). What is going on with your aspie sweetie and you? I hope it's going well.

sands
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25 Dec 2007, 6:47 pm

I haven't talked to him since Friday I think. He is gone to his dads for the Christmas holiday. I see this as being a ritual. I'm a tad bit lonely for not getting to chat with him, but I know he needs the rest. I did find out through a friend that had talked to a friend of his that he says I drive him nuts. This made me feel horrible and I actually cried about it. Of course I don't really know the whole conversation. I can't really bring it up either to find out about it. I have spoiled him quite a bit because I wanted him to know I cared about him. I think I will probably back off a little and see what happens. Do you think that would be wise?

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Topher
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25 Dec 2007, 8:30 pm

Pugly wrote:

Love Shyness is probably something that applies to those here. Not sure how "real" this thing is anymore than just a list of criteria...

* He is a virgin. He has not yet experienced sexual intercourse.
* He is a man who very rarely goes out socially with women.
* He is a person without a past history of any emotionally close, meaningful relationships of a romantic and/or sexual nature with any member of the opposite sex.
* He is a person who has suffered and is continuing to suffer emotionally because of a lack of meaningful female companionship. In short, he is a male who desperately wishes to have a relationship with a woman, but does not have one because of his shyness. In other words, he is not a man who consciously chooses not to have romantic or intimate relationships; rather, he wants such relationships but cannot establish them.
* He is a man who becomes extremely anxiety-ridden over so much as the mere thought of asserting himself vis-à-vis a woman in a casual, friendly way. This is the essence of "love-shyness".
* He is a man who is strictly heterosexual in his romantic and erotic orientations. Again, he is a male who is in no way a homosexual.
* He is a male. There were no women interviewed in the study.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_shy

It's something that nearly applies to me... though I think I'm not quite a lost cause... I can pull myself out of the quagmire. I've at least taken chances on love... barely little that anyone would describe as success...but at least have that adventuresome spirit to conquer love every once and a while.

There's a book by the guy who coined the phrase and what it's all about. Most of it's online as html.... but you can also download the pdf.

http://www.love-shy.com/Gilmartin/toc.html

Some of the specific life experiences described really hit home for me. Having crushes and infatuations with girls from a very young age. Not having any family or any one to push me in the direction to talking to a girl. Having a relatively cold and distant mother that frequently told me and others "he's just a late bloomer."

Which according to the book is some of the worst advice to give a kid based on love. Late bloomers are the ones who don't crave it until later, these guys described crave it but never find it from a very young age.

This applies to me! I can't believe I stumbled across this article! So many questions answered about myself.

The question is. How do i get rid of it?

ToadOfSteel
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25 Dec 2007, 8:43 pm

Simple. Just realize that Gilmartin is an idiot trying to create a cash cow...

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