How to tell if a girl is interested in you

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I sometimes wonder if the way a woman walks, especially when she knows you're around but hasnt met you quite yet can be a nonverbal cue.This girl that Ive been eyeing who lives in my building-well I was on her floor looking at flyers on the wall when she entered the hallway from some door and was walking with her back turned to me sashaying(a slight swaying of the hips)down the hallway. It seemed midly flirtatious.

Well f**k, I didnt mean to KILL this thread!
Not having seen that girl I mentioned since a week ago last monday Im beginning to think: In situations where you encounter a stranger that shows signs of interest-especially if you dont see this person on a regular basis-that such a situation is pretty much
Now or NEVER. Anyone else concur?

I don't think the way a woman walks is a a good indication of interest. Now, if she walks past you in the way you described and then looks back at you to catch your reaction, that's a different story.

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is that I suck at being able to judge a guy's interest in me. I think Aspies in general aren't very good at this. For me, I seem to either think there's something there when there's actually no interest whatsoever or I completely miss that a guy is interested.
Being a female, I do have an advantage in that I can just decide to not try and figure it out. I can just wait for guys to make an obvious move and then decide how I feel about them. The difficult part is holding myself back from becoming interested in a guy until then. Haven't figured that one out yet...

I'd say that if you're ("you're" in a general sense) a guy and you encounter a stranger who you think is interested for whatever reason, then you should make a move. If you were wrong, and she (or he if you like other guys) isn't interested, you will probably never see them again so no real harm done. Of course it will hurt but I would think that it would be easier than with someone you see on a consistent basis and might actually have feeling for (aside from just thinking they're attractive).

Unfair!

Yeah, I know... But to make up for it, us females have to go through stuff you guys don't (monthly stuff...).

I'm going to cut to the chase and focus on this paragraph - not because the preceding ones don't matter, but because this is the crux of the problem.

I start to feel emotionally closer to them than I should be at that point.

"Should" means a value judgment is taking place. What I think is going on is that you yourself are just fine with being emotionally and physically close, it's just that you don't want other people (and yourself) to think you're a slut. You're punishing yourself for being attracted to someone.

It really blows my mind how women have a sex drive that is equal to or greater than men's, but HATE to acknowledge it. I think it has to do with the perceived loss of control we experience through intense attraction. People that are attractive to us hold power over us, and that can be a scary thing to confront. We love them one minute and then hate them the next, and it's a confusing, frustrating mess.

There's a reason that attraction and fear go hand in glove.

Women that hate men are powerless to resist them. Men that hate women are angry that they make them do irrational things.

I think that women have it worse in one way, which is that there are all sorts of ret*d "rules" that they think they have to follow. These usually come from movies or Cosmo. God I hate Cosmo. I can always tell if a girl has been reading Cosmo if she starts asking me questions that are so clumsy and stupid divorced from reality that they had to come from a FEMALE "expert" on men. I'm sorry, but if you go around with a string of alphabet-soup credentials after your name, you are not allowed to put things like "Is Your Stud A Dud?" into print.

None of these rules make any friggin sense. "If you don't have sex by the fourth date, you're a frigid b***h." "If you have sex on the second date, you're the world's biggest whore." "The third date was juuuuust right."

SAYS WHO?

Really, these people are just pulling things out of their asses! They don't know what the hell they're even on about, but women will say anything if they think someone's paying them attention. What they are saying is that you should ignore your own feelings and instincts and substitute someone else's judgment for your own.

Seriously, what's wrong with women getting a little action? This is 2007, you can get condoms anywhere, anytime. There's this bizarre cultural zeitgeist that says that women may not enjoy sex, that if they are appreciated for their bodies then that is WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Women have been shamed into equating horniness with dirtiness. As soon as a sexual thought gets into their head, they clamp down, and clamp down hard. They start judging themselves mercilessly, second third and fourth guessing themselves, sometimes spiraling down because of the self-loathing, recoiling from that barely-glimpsed knowledge that they are right and everyone else is wrong, that they are not freaks or dirty or bad or whores or sluts, but human females, animals, every inch as much an instinct-governed beast as a doe in heat.

And it's women that do this to each other.

It's the women that perform female circumcisions.

It's the feminists that preach against female beauty, because they have none themselves.

It was under the reign of Queen Victoria that sex became taboo, because like any Queen, like any cult leader, she could be the only one to be desired.

Islam is an offshoot of a pagan moon cult, a feminine deity. Mohammed's wife was 20 years his senior, and had all the material resources he would ever need to sustain him through his entire life.

Upon receiving his first revelations he was deeply distressed. When he returned home he related the event to his wife Khadijah, and told her that he contemplated throwing himself off the top of a mountain.[42] He was consoled and reassured by Khadijah and her Christian cousin, Waraqah ibn Nawfal. Waraqah was immediately enthusiastic, but Khadijah proceeded more cautiously, and was only satisfied that the revelations had indeed come from a good source after the conclusion of a test she had devised to determine that very thing. This was followed by a pause of three years during which Muhammad had gave himself up further to prayers and spiritual practices. When the revelations resumed he was reassured and commanded to begin preaching (Surah 93:1-11).

Who's calling the shots here? Not God, not Mohammed, but his controlling old wife.

Have you ever seen Black Stone of the Kabaa looks like?

I'll wait.

Muslims believe that it absorbs sins, that it once was white but now is black from receiving so many sins from so many Muslims.

Religion as vagina dentata. Muslims aren't the only ones, either.

The whole story of Adam and Eve is about Eve tempting Adam into sin, about the banishment from Paradise brought about by man's knowledge of woman's true nature.

Women are the masters of men.

Why do men build shelters, till the earth, fight wars, run for office, compete for position and wealth, race cars, show off, play sports?

For women.

That's the true nature of our species. Men are the expendable ones, the fighters, the hunters, the problem solvers, a wellspring of resources, a ready and willing servant. Women, in terms of the survival of the species, are much more important and are therefore deserving of certain latitudes not afforded to men.

Males have evolved for your benefit. We are here for you.

We can't do a goddamn thing about it, either, and that's where misogyny comes from.

Our whole lives are centered around control and domination of other men, of clawing our way to the top and straining to stay there. All of this work, this discipline, all of this control - a compensatory measure, an effort to deny that we are not in control of ourselves and never will be.

When a man hits, rapes, abuses, screams at and belittles a woman, this is a last ditch effort to deny to himself that she controls him, she is better than him, and always will be. He is enraged that something so small and delicate and outwardly powerless can have such profound and inexplicable power over him.

Once that power has been used on a man, he can one of two ways. He can either deny his powerlessness, he can rage and scream and abuse and punish the object of his desire.

Weak men hate what they want the most, and revile what they can't have. Look at these evangelical closet homosexuals who deny their true nature - they end up ruining their entire lives, everything they've worked for and achieved, just because of their unmet needs for sex. That jackass Phelps? Let's just say that along the highway of life, he's thought more than once about taking the exit to Browntown.

Or, he can go towards it, embrace it, have it embrace him, soak in it, find joy and satisfaction in his natural purpose and duty.

Chivalry is not dead, and never will be. Men just want to make women happy, and sex is just one facet of that desire. When a man comes and picks you up when you call at 1130 at night needing a ride, he is saying "I love you." When a man listens to you talk about your (boring as hell, admit it) day, he is doing it out of love. Do you have any clue how much of a charge I get from opening a stubborn jar for a woman? Doing the things you need and can't provide to yourself makes us feel alive and complete.

Why should a woman fear this? What possible purpose could it serve her to push away a man who excites and arouses her, who has passed her tests and comes back for more? Why should a woman rebel against every shrieking, raging, lusting fiber of her soul that is telling her that what she is doing is good and normal and wonderful?

Because she has been taught that she is not worthy.

You say you've been burned before, that you've given in, and now you're afraid. You say you want to hold yourself back from becoming interested in a guy. WHY???

What do you gain that is so good and great that you feel that in exchange you have to declare your feelings null and yourself invalid?

If you were to trust your instincts, if you were to surrender to your true nature, what's the worst that could happen?

You say that on the one hand you hate being touched, and on the other you say you can't get enough touching. This splitting, this duality, is the source of a lot of pain.

When the *gap* between two the two poles of a battery is bridged, there is electricity. Depending on the size of the battery, and the charge it has built within it, the arc will be of a size and strength proportionate to its potential. If this electricity has nowhere to go, no use to serve, the short circuit heats the battery until it self destructs. The same will happen if the battery is overcharged, and never given an opportunity for release; it will build and build until it explodes.

Electricity can be both helpful and deadly. If it is discharged in a careless manner, others can be hurt. If you don't know how to wire a house, yet you go ahead and do it anyways, you are quite literally putting lives at risk.

The exact same goes for sexual energy. This is powerful stuff. If left unchecked, all sorts of trouble is in the cards. Abusers, unwanted pregnancy, emotional turmoil, the withering of empathy and the growth of distrust, frustration and rage and loneliness are the poison fruits of the Tree of Denial.

A common thread amongst Apies is that we feel much more deeply than NTs. Our emotions are HUGE, and those closest to us have to be strong or else they will be swept up and away by them as well. When we feel pain, it is worse than most people could even imagine. When we feel pleasure, it can be an almost religious experience.

What messes us up is when we start applying bogus moral judgements on ourselves for liking what we have been conditioned to avoid. As a girl, you were most likely taught a variant of what can always be distilled down to "only BAD GIRLS have sex", a message meant to control you. When you get immense pleasure from something that is forbidden, there is guilt and shame.

Whenever you feel yourself getting attracted to a man, a part of your mind comes in and says that you are a bad person for feeling this, that nobody else feels this way, only you. It makes you feel like a bad person to be attracted to a man.

In short, you are not allowed to have any goddamn fun at all. This is why you have to wait so long to enjoy being touched, so that you can justify it to the invisible jury that lives in your head.

That jury has no authority over you other than the authority you give it.

This is why I slap asses.

It is a message. It says, "this is between you and me and nobody else, and that's the way it should be."

It says, "You are your own highest authority."

I'm not sure about your situation because I don't have enough data to form a judgment, but you are right that women will walk a certain way to get your attention. We, like any other animal, have our mating dances.

Let's say that she WAS trying to get your attention - that is simply an overture to you to approach her. This is not to say that she is ready to head back to your place, she just wants to know more about you, see what you're like.

This is why learning body language is so important. Women invite men all the time, often to the point where they think they are being forward, and if you don't take the time to learn what these nonverbal cues are, an untold number of opportunities are wasted.

Actually, a lot of women are total stalkers. If you're in the grocery store and the same girl keeps showing up in every aisle, not really taking anything off the shelf, just looking at labels like when you're waiting for everyone to leave the 7-11 so you can buy a Swank, chances are she's into you on some level.

A good way to tell if she's checking you out is to use your peripheral vision. I've noticed that women don't seem to realize we have this, so with a bit of practice you can watch her watching you.

A variant of this is when she watches you in a reflection, like in a window. At my first job, I was one of two men that worked there, and I spent a lot of time talking to the secretary at the front desk. She would always be facing away from me on a 3/4 angle, not making eye contact, talking to me while she looked out the floor-to-ceiling window behind the desk. It wasn't until I had to walk around and grab a file off her desk one day that I saw how she could watch me in the reflection. She was 25, gorgeous, and I was a 17 year old dork with crap social skills, so I never would have thought she could be interested in me, which was why I had low anxiety levels around her, which in turn is why she found me attractive. She was mistaking my social retardation for confidence; if I had realized that she was into me, I probably would have quit, that's how bad I was.

At my last job I had an ID tag with my picture on it, and this one girl would stare at my picture on the tag as a "safe" alternative to looking at my face. She had a boyfriend, so that's probably where the guilt comes in. I should also say that having a boyfriend has ZERO effect on her attraction for you. Attractive women are like monkeys swinging from tree to tree - they don't let go of one until they have another in their grasp.

More on movement:

If she's interested in you, she might position herself so that she's in front of you, but just off to one side and facing 3/4 towards you (to gauge your reaction) so it isn't "obvious" she's posing for you. I call this "perching". This is where staring off into a fixed point in space can be an asset, as she will try harder and harder to get your attention.

If she keeps entering your field of vision, even if she NEVER looks at you when you look at her, but seems to have no real purpose to be where she is, she's into you.

I had this one waitress in a restaurant who kept coming back to the table across from me over and over again, making busywork for herself. She would grab the little doohickey with the salt, pepper, sugar, etc, fiddle with it, put it back, go to the kitchen, come back, move things around, go to the kitchen, come out with her electric-blue La Senza panties now sticking up out of her pants, bend over the table in the most inconvenient and unnatural way (butt in my face) in order to wipe it down, repeat.

She was upping the ante each time she came back because I wouldn't give her what she got from all the other guys - supplication and stunned mouth-breathing. It pays to be aloof, but not to the point where she gives up. If you learn to control the dynamic of the encounter, to play it like a musical instrument, you can ratchet up the sexual tension to the boiling point without even saying a word, and THEN make your play. Something funny is good, because that tension has to go somewhere; inducing laughter and shock are my two favourite tools. Comic relief.

There's also a good rule to follow called the "Three second rule", which is pretty famous. What this means is that if you see a girl you want to talk with, you have three seconds to make your move. You'll find that most of your tension and anxiety come from indecision, and that it tends to melt away once you get moving. Women respect bold, decisive action, so if you can turn it around in your head and realize that approaching actually reduces anxiety, it's a major breakthrough.

You will never totally shed your anxiety about approaching, and that's good. Realize that when you look at a woman and feel anxiety, that's because you're attracted to her. Acknowledge that, move forward and take your cuts.

If a baseball player gets a hit 3 out of 10 times at bat, he's a legend. Think about it.

I don't know if you know who Mystery is, but he was a just a gawky beanpole from Canada who hit puberty at 17. He also has an off-the-chart IQ and used this to analyze his approach with women. He would make dozens of approaches every night, trying everything he could, not caring if he "screwed up", because that was a lesson learned, an even better lesson that a success could give him. He just decided to stop hating on himself and make his life better.

Still, look at the guy today. He's still a massive dork, but he's found a way to let his character show through. Just like a fable tells truth through fiction, he learned to tell the truth about himself by studying the fictional social constructs under which most people operate.

Wow Kurtz just wow. The amount of detail you post in is ridiculous. I mean that in a good way of course. You certainly have more wisdom and advice than you know what to do with. I gotta say I agree with you on a lot of the points you made too.

Kurtz, I agree with you but your information about Islam is not entirely correct. The pre-islamic moon GOD was known as "Al Uzzah". Muhammad abolished the cult of the Moon God upon his conquest of Mecca. The God of Islam is identical to the God of Judaism. Christianity is the nominally monotheistic religion which is in fact inherently PAGAN-there are three gods: the Father(borrowed from Judaism), the Son(a Man named Jesus), and the Holy Spirit which of course they deceptively claim are "three in one". Society really gives women a hell of a lot of power-especially western culture(which practically WORSHIPS women).

Thanks, I do what I can.

You sure?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al-Uzza

Mentioned in the Qur'an (Sura 53:20), al-ʕuzzā "the Mightiest One" or "the strong" (derived from the root ʕzy) was a pre-Islamic Arabian fertility goddess who was one of the three chief goddesses of Mecca. She, Manāt and al-Lāt were known as "the daughters of god". Uzzā was worshipped by the Nabataeans, who equated her with the Graeco-Roman goddesses Aphrodite, Urania, Venus and Caelestis. A stone cube at Ta'if (near Mecca) was held sacred as part of her cult.

"Society really gives women a hell of a lot of power-especially western culture(which practically WORSHIPS women)."

Im highly skeptical of that wikipedia article. Regardless, the cult of the Moon deity was abolished by Muhammad when he besieged and conquered Mecca.But I am Damn Sure about the inherently polytheistic nature of Christianity. Putting religion aside, do you disagree about my claim that western culture puts women on a pedestal?

Everyone in western culture put THEMSELVES on piedestals.
(This is a joke, but am I completely wrong?)

You arent entirely wrong but western women for the most part do NOT exalt men the way western men exalt women.

Exalt?

I don't see how Western pop culture exalts women. Objectifies and desires, sure.

In the words of the band Tonic:

It's a casual affair
When everybody loves you
Oh they'll pay top dollar
Make you wear the dog collar
When everybody loves you

I'm not even talking about sex. Just hugging someone confuses the hell out of me. That aside, yes, I can see your point. I was raised by very conservative Baptists and went to Catholic school for five years, so I'll admit I have issues with self-abasement when I feel like I'm not going the "proper" speed when dating someone. My sensory issues make it worse though. I think that when I'm physically intimate with someone before the emotional intimacy is there, my mind creates a false sense of emotional intimacy to compensate.



Being an Aspie makes it worse. I know I have control issues and a lot of other people here do too. As children and teens we were ridiculed and teased, made to feel inferior. As an adult, I sometimes feel that I'm in a constant state of protectiveness over my self esteem. The fear of rejection from someone I'm attracted to is just the surface emotion. The real issue is that rejection makes me feel inferior and stupid, as though I'm back in middle school again.



I don't read that crap, and even if I did, I think it would just confuse me. I honestly am horrible at reading a guy when I'm interested in him. All other people, I'm great at it. When my emotions get involved I'm blind to all the little signs and s**t you're supposed to look for to know how the guy feels. It's incredibly frustrating. I try and just go by my instincts but my instincts for this seem to be shot to hell.



Guys play a part in it too. Since I'm oblivious to the whole "courtship dance", I tend to either come on too strong to guys or do nothing. When I say I come on too strong, it usually ends up with me just blurting out to the guy that I like him or asking him out. Either way, a lot of guys (not all) tend to run from that. There's an evolutionary reason for it, women play coy because men are programed to expect it from them.

A lot of guys like the chase because they're wired to believe (subconsciously) that the women who are biologically "worth it" are going to play hard to get. 10,000 years ago (the time period we're programmed for), men's investment in procreating was negligible - get one pregnant, move on to the next. They could spread their genes all over the place without much cost to them. Women, on the other hand, have a much larger investment in procreating. When they get pregnant, it's usually at least two years before they can procreate again (most women are infertile while nursing). Plus, they have to take care of the offspring until they can fend for themselves. So women had to be more choosy about who's genes they let in the door. They would want the fittest they could get to have viable offspring.



Yes, I've seen this. It usually results in the "shallow hal" syndrome - guy's who are overly critical about women as a defense mechanism to compensate for the fact they can't get dates.



I think part of the problem Aspie women have is that we don't understand the concept of letting a guy do stuff like that around us. I have a hard time accepting help from anyone, but apparently guys really go for the "damsel in distress" routine.



See above comment about feeling inferior. It's all about the pride.



Yeah, I agree. It sucks but finding a compromise between pursuing the physical and emotional intimacy I crave and protecting myself is a battle I've fought for a long time. Wish I could find a solution. I know intellectually that a chance has to be taken in order to get that, but after you've been hurt a few times, you get a little gun shy.