The Female Conspiracy

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well, of course, we can't expect everybody to be right, especially on the internet.


There was a time that I used to think that all women hated me, or that all women rejected me and disliked me for some reason, but then, that was highschool, so that was probably true lol

I know this has already been quoted but I promise I won't speak redundantly here. In our situation, it is - believe it or not, for a lot of us, very possible that we may never be loved. However, if that should come to pass, for anyone who's lived through and overcome hardship, I really think its their duty to themselves to assert their own self worth - to themselves, to the world around them. It really means that if I ever find that everything continues to fall away, slip through the cracks, almost fall apart as if there were divine intervention involved or an angel visiting everyone who took an interest in me saying "You must leave him at once - its not in his chart for him to date", its all the more reason that I would need to protect my identity and self worth as if it were my very life.

Looking at a lot of these guys, they have their own ideals, they have their own aspects of themselves that they like, they have their own things that they look up to in other people. Aside from striving to be everything you cherish, there really isn't much to be had. Even waking up to someone every night it doesn't really mean that those murky feelings like one's staring off into the existential abyss as they pass into sleep will lessen any. Happiness is a choice, its an attitude adjustment. So yes, for those to whom it applies I completely agree with you, on the other hand I really think that aspies, first and foremost, should strive to be as positive and dignified as they can for themselves, for the fact that what a lot of them have been through and survived means that they should defend their own integrity and do so fiercely. When someone takes charge of their own life and has themselves under control, that's about the only time where they will actually appear attractive to someone who's really good for them - and even if that never happens they're far better off to strive at being the best that they can just because, bitterness is a poison, it destroys absolutely beautiful people when they do let it happen and it steals everything good from them.

BTW, if I wasn't emphatic enough yes, I've had a few drinks, hopefully it doesn't sound like I'm beating anyone over the head with an Anthony Robbins book, but seriously, life is only worth what we can make of it - at least when the world around us doesn't throw many benefits our way.

Oh true. Having someone who can't stand you isn't pleasant. I know alot of you men want to please your partner! Better to have someone who can be happy than someone who makes you feel like depressed, useless #$%, I say.

That's where you're wrong. There are plenty of us who will be alone forever, and there's nothing we can do about it. Deep down, I know this is true in my case. By the way, did you notice the age on Ken's profile? 40. It sounds like he's had to put up with this crap for a looooong time, so your advice is silly. However, I don't advocate suicide... these women aren't worth dying for.

EDIT: Sorry, my "emotional inhibitor" failed just then.

Fnord and techstepgener8tion -

Thank you and I'm glad I was able to write something which had resonance. I speak from the perspective of someone who's lived on this earth a while and I write from my own experience. I've noticed as time has gone on that some things which seemed unsurmountable at the time really do fade as life continues on. It doesn't seem so at the time, granted.

Cyberman -

You're right, I hadn't fully thought that out before writing it. It's how I feel though. But the thing is, many people don't want just 'someone' but someone real, who is really a soul mate for them. And you're correct I had not seen the age in the profile. Yes that is a longer time to have waited, and a different vantage point. And no, no one is worth suicide, (like Queen's song on the topic's lyrics).

techstepgener8tion said what I was trying to say much better I think. And I agree that this is a struggle. But a lot of people on earth struggle. Just in different ways. As tech said it comes down to the outlook at some point. Also I can vouch that finding 'someone' does not stop those existential crises. It seems a separate issue and one that comes from within. The rest is distraction. Maybe a beautiful distraction but a distraction.

So I think that Ken, whether you find a mate or not, the inner journey is what counts.

*gasp*

So not only you know the events that're taking place in each person's life presently but can foretell the future?

No wonder so many people resort to those psychic hotlines.

Yeah, you got it. That is so much the trouble with AS. As you get older, you learn to ignore the panic instinct and stay in there when in reality, in THIS case the problems are with the other person and you have every right to do whatever to get away.

How do you know when it's your problem or their problen?

I'd like to apologize as well for my rather harsh response. While your comment may have been a little naive, I realize that you meant well, and I'm sorry.


OK, call it an "educated hunch." For a long time now, I've predicted every year that I would be single the next year, and so far I've always been right. Plus, I've never seen much evidence that I'd make a good significant other. Every fiber of my being tells me that there's no one I'd be compatible with.

As for Ken... I don't know his whole situation, and I won't predict his future for him. But I sympathize with what he's probably going through, and I honestly hope that he finds happiness in his life with or without a mate, instead of just "ending it all." It really depresses me to see guys who are much older than me who are still suffering from the same thing I'm suffering from, despite them having tried to correct it so many times. I had hoped that by the age of 40, I could at least get over the loneliness of being single and grow comfortable with it. So it really saddens me to see someone who's miserable to the point of being suicidal over this.

Once again, I'm sorry for my emotional outburst.

Okay then, why don't you just predict that you will be in a relationship this next year?

You appear to be Mr. "I'm the future, I will be this." Seer, when in all reality, you have the emotional immaturity and detachment of a 7 year old.

You have no idea if you'd be compatiable with someone til you try, after all the quote is, "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger." So why not? Why not take a chance?

Because if I have the emotional immaturity of a 7-year-old, then I'm obviously not ready to be in a relationship, am I?

For all I know I *could* still be in that situation, don't really know. The only message I wish I could pass on to everyone, the message of hope I've found from within; other people's judgment about single guys, condemnation to a guy being something less than human just because he doesn't have an SO - you really don't have to take it and really shouldn't. I can say, just because I have a certain inner quality that's made myself the worst bully I've ever known, I've felt every little bit of this and brutalized myself over everything from the social slips, the awkward gestalt, the over originality in conversation, and even the internal sensation of emotional innocence. Did everything I could to straight up brutalized and brass-knuckle those things out of myself and found out that for whatever that was worth most of this is never truly going away. The one bit I did achieve in all that, all the people who told me that I was just weak and that it was all in my choices - I found out for certain that they were wrong. As time has gone on, and since I have given it almost non-stop effort, I have grilled out a lot of the more superficial symptoms that people can overtly take me on and disrespect me for; unfortunately the stuff underneath the venier won't go away so my best bet is just keep most people at a distance unless they're really people who I can tell are either NT's who are much like myself or mild aspies who are much like myself; that's when the guard can go down from 70 to 90% to maybe 30 or 40% which is a lot more manageable.

On the other hand though, my own quest to assert myself over this condition, my efforts to refuse to see myself as less (unless I'm railing on myself for something I know I need to change - which is more or less vestages of some of the adults in my life who tried to toughen me up throughout my life), and yes - its really a bit of Texan stoicism where I do my best to keep a smile, stay strong, and not complain but rather even try to lift other people up around me when I can find the opportunity.

The way I see it, most of us have great potential, most of us diserve a great deal of dignity from ourselves, we have great inward qualities and characteristics. I think the trouble that a lot of us get into (which I did and I'm extremely grateful that I did find friends who helped me through this) is that between the real us, the us that society projects on us, the mind-f***ing people throw at us by absolutely dictating that we are whatever they say we are based on what we look like or how we come off to them - that's the trap, you absolutely have to separate your best qualities, the best of yourself, from the s--- they're talking. You have to look at the things that you look up to in other people, realize that the very reason you look up to those people in the sense of these characteristics is that they fit you, they are parts of you that you want to develope, you just haven't gone that road and for all the slating you take its an extremely confusing world - one where when you have a gestalt disability, possibly a social disability, and can't even get reacted to normally by a lot of people, its so disorienting and nonsensical that its almost impossible to get a grip and be able to tell up from down, left from right, backward from forward, just because its really a constant attack on your foundations of reality which will leave you summersaulting in limbo and forever pray to anyone who wants to emotionally reach inside of you, corrupt you, victimize you.

I'd say for everything that a lot of us have lived for - the memories we have, the places we've been, the things we've seen, the things we've felt, that our dignities are very much worth fighting for. That's the trick though, reminding yourself that most likely you'll live to 70 or 80, that leaves a very long time to either be horridly miserable and let the shadows continuously deepen you as the years go on until it swallows you whole (long before your physically dead even), or alternately you can realize that the only thing you can really do for yourself is to do everything in your power to make life as absolutely pallateable as you can; that means improving yourself in all the ways you've ever wanted (or at least trying as many as you can, going with what works, and dealing with the things you absolutely can't change as they come and finding out ways to gloss them over).

Regardless though, when you look at the dating situation though, that relies very heavily on another person. You can control your education, you can control your industriousness with career, hobbies, even social life, far more easily than you can control whether or not your dateable. You can really have it all but just because your socially atypical, even with good social skills technically, you can still end up single ever after - its a game of instinct, instinct is king, and a lot of what makes us untouchable quite often can go hand in hand with a lot of our best traits as people; so you have to decide if you can corrupt yourself enough, should you corrupt yourself enough, can you look in the mirror and be happy with what you might have sold to be with someone, would you even enjoy being with that person if you had to throw away the best of yourself to be there with them. Its a brutal, unfair, and unjust world by design - all you can do is be fair and just to yourself, its the only way to find some degree of happiness - alongside pushing your own self-assurance, self-worth, and making sure that its something you fight for internally and even externally.


BTW, sorry if post like this go on and on and I hope it doesn't sound like I'm bloviating. It's just that when I have a lot to say on something, its hard to make a complete thought a paragraph at a time in a patchy and sporadic manner.

The comment about 'emotional maturity of a 7 year old' may be true. However, most people have little emotional maturity when they first stumble into relationships when young. That is how the emotional maturity grows.

Same goes for insecurity. And reading what Cyberman says, his deep level of insecurity seems evident. It is commonly knowledge that insecurity is a huge problem in both starting and maintaining relationships. However, in many cases, insecurity is the perfectly natural result of constant rejection.

It's a feedback loop and it seems to me the only way out is with immense helpings of good fortune.

True.

However, the only way to get the good fortune, is to go out and seek what you want.

It's definitely NOT just something women do. With probably half the guys I've had sex with, I've had the problem of being told that I'm "good enough to f**k but not good enough to date." What kind of an awful thing is that to tell someone? I've also been very badly treated by many guys, those I liked and those I wasn't necessarily interested in. I'm a generally very nice person, and though I'm not outgoing necessarily I don't think anything's inherently WRONG with me. People are just as*holes. Don't blame it all on women just because you haven't found a nice girl yet.

You mean men can be dickheads sometimes too?

I refuse to believe this information!

What I have either learned or decided (some of each) is this: It doesn't matter. If you are uncomfortable, you have every right to set your boundary and act upon it. The key is to do so coolly. If you feel you have the right to do this, though, it tends to remove at least some of the inner pressure. Instead of thinking "what am I gonna do if...I can't stand it when...I hope they don't..." you can rest assured that if that happens (whatever it is, let's say someone grabbing onto your hand as some people do for no apparent reason), you WILL do what you are comfortable doing. You've already given yourself permission to do so.

After all, who's to say they have more right to set the social definitions than you do? You're not hurting anybody by setting boundaries you feel comfortable with. They may even realise they were a bit too 'grabby' and tone it down a bit (in the above example). If a person becomes anxious in a crowded room - in that case they could handle it one of two ways (basically). They could ignore their real feeling on it, and let pressure build until they did what they feared they might do i.e. run out or scream or some other socially frowned upon response. Or they could accept their feeling on it and if they notice it's getting to them badly enough, they could at an appropriate moment (after the speech someone made, and things are quiet for example) pardon themselves 'for a moment'. People will assume things like, you needed to use the restroom. Which is socially acceptable. (As long as it hasn't interrupted anyone's speech at a work meeting etc. And even then, you might just lean in to the person next to you and whisper 'pardon me I will be right back in a moment'. If you know that person at all.)

In other words in almost every occasion it's permissible to detach. There are socially accepted ways to do so. NTs also need to do this at times, and so it's built into almost any occasion. Even shaking hands - which I dislike and always have Lol - has become an okay place to differ. Some people do the 'knuckle knock' instead like Howie Mandell does.

Bottom line though, it doesn't matter, because you have just as much right as they do to feel comfortable. Anyone who disputes that is not really a friend to you anyhow. I've given a bit generalised advice since no particular situation was specified. But I think it's sound.

____

Cyberman: It's perfectly okay. I could tell that your own intentions were good also. What I saw in your post was the pain of personal experience. Also, you were right. It was remiss of me not to have noticed more about his situation. As such I may have seemed to be lessening the gravity of it. Good intentions cover somewhat but not completely. I usually don't read people's profiles as it seems an intrusion (even though logically speaking perhaps it is not). But maybe I should if I'm going to try giving advice.

It (that part of his post where he said he's packing it in if he hasn't found a mate in a year) just pained me because I've had similar low moments in my own life, and I can vouch that it's always seemed different later, and worth having stuck around a while longer for. I have also had times where I wasn't dating for a long time - partly by choice and partly because I just wasn't finding anyone who treated me well - and I know how that huge loneliness feels. So I know it's very hard. But, it did also get me into other endeavors I might not have gotten into had I been perfectly content and not lonely. I went for charitable things and such. That was rewarding. I wonder sometimes if I'd been able to have a pet (I don't own and the landlord says no pets here), if that would've made up for a lot of my lonely feelings. Pets can be very loyal and more so than humans. Of course, it is not the same as human relationship.

Then again the wisdom goes, take care of a plant first, a pet after that, and if those succeed try a relationship. I don't know how true that is. But I hear it is. Then again I can't take care of plants and don't have any pets. Lol So I haven't tested it myself. However maybe something does occur when taking care of other living things which would prepare one for a give and take of a relationship.

While waiting/hoping to find a relationship partner there are active things one can do. Learn things, think about/write about (for your own eyes only) what you want in a relationship. What you dont want. What are deal breakers. What you can be flexible on. And most importantly perhaps - what you will GIVE. A lot of relationships fail because the person had never thought what the other might need or what they could give. So I guess I wanted to convey two things.

One, that a relationship isn't everything (having had relationships plus spent years on my own too), it just seems like it. There are many other rewarding ways to spend time and one's life. And many other types of rewarding relationships as well.

Two, being in a relationship does not fix anything, it does not necessarily complicate things but it is a different set of situations is all. It carries its own joys but also its own problems. Existential crises and thoughts can still occur. I thought when I got married everything would be la de da and I'd have what it took to do things and be things I didn't before. Doesn't happen that way. And a lot of marrieds wish they were single just as a lot of singles wish they were married...

I think it's in the human condition to wish for what we don't have and regret what we do have. As such then, nothing is worth commiting suicide over not having...My .02.