For my autistic brethern- Have you given up on love?

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Please stop spouting this crap. Just because you lucked out doesn't mean everyone else will. I'm 38 and all I know is rejection. You should change the F's in your username to P's.

dtoxic - so cynical
I'm 44 and I have had plenty of time to have my share of difficult relationships too .. I suggest you stop feeling sorry for yourself and perhaps that might give you more of a chance. Cynicism is not attractive. I see MANY relationships in my work with autistic children similar to mine with an NT partner and an Aspie partner- so no, I am not the only one in the world that is in a good relationship with someone with Aspergers.
Men with Aspergers in my experience ( and yes I know a lot of them ) are generally intelligent, often quirky and creative, intense and very thoughtful and sensitive people - all qualities that any woman worth her salt would be a fool to overlook. The relationships come with their own set of challenges, but don't they all ? I do feel lucky to have such a terrific husband, but an NT/Aspie relationship takes an effort from both people to make it work well. So luck has nothing to do with it

Cyberman - I met him online of course
Not on a dating site, but in a chat room where we had a common interest, it was a computer related chat room, where being the complete noob that I was .. I was looking for some assistance. He was kind enough to offer some help and sorted out my problem. We started to talk and discovered that we had a lot of common interests and his wicked sense of humour and gentle nature captured my attention. We spoke online and on the phone for roughly 6 months or so before we decided that we would like to take the next step of meeting in person ( he was in the US and I live here in New Zealand ) We met in person and our relationship blossomed from there. He is not dashing prince charming ( for all you guys that think that women are only interested in men with stunning good looks ) but he was the honest, intelligent and witty person that I had met via text.

He was exactly as I had expected. He had described himself well. I think the text medium initially rather than having to meet in person first helped him express himself more easily and also it meant that my communication with him was clearer to him. In person we have frequent misunderstandings - but have got very good at recognising when they occur and clarifying what we intended to say. Communication is the key ( as with any relationship ) and never assuming ( for both people ) that they get what you are trying to tell them. NT/Aspie couples have a very difficult time with different communication styles. Working to understand how the other communicates is so important and I think ongoing.

Perhaps starting to look for people with a common interest is a good place to start .. after all friendship is at the root of any good relationship. Being honest with the person that you are with .. and working hard at understanding how the other half lives ( again both people ) It is possible to get it right .. but it does take an extra measure of effort I think from both people.

Btw he did not have his Aspergers diagnosis at the time, but IF he had it would have been important to know, so that I could have understood him a little better earlier on. It would not have scared me off, but would have helped us iron out the kinks more easily.

You're still missing the point you still have to pass a looks test, it doesn't mean you have to be beautiful or that the other person has unreasonable standards but you DO have to pass the looks test before you are even considered dating material. There has to be some sort of physical attraction there to begin with whether the person is aware of it or not.

No they don't: they gauge your financial standing and genetic potential, first and foremost.

Yeah, you tell her! She wouldn't have a clue what it's like to be a male with any sort of defect.

Last edited by BPalmer on 15 Sep 2008, 5:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

Odd.. I did none of those things.. and am not aware that I ever have, at least not consciously. Maybe as a teenager ?

I think humility tends to be a quality that's seen in a positive light.

I did not realise that not being male precluded me from having an opinion. I do not see Aspergers as a defect, and it's a shame that you do

It doesn't mean your opinion doesn't have any value but being an aspie guy, attraction for women is unconscious, more then 98% of thinking and feeling happens beneath your awareness. If you don't believe it see here: http://www.linktv.org/video/2142 And watch it until 25 or so minutes in.

The problem is women have no clue specifically what attracts them, they can put it in terms of generalities (bad boy, vs niceguy, or 'values' or 'personality', etc, etc) but at the end of the day most people don't know and science says: Most people don't have a clue of why they do what they do, think what they think and feel what they feel. They have some insight, no doubt but most of what happens is reactive and automatic.

Being a woman is much different from being a man: Men still have to be active in order to enter relatinoships, women just have to post, sit somewhere in public, etc and wait... sure there are women that have problems but most of them fall under either 1) self esteem, 2) pickyness 3) Lack of effort.

As a woman did you ever have problems finding a man (any man) for sexual intimacy? For guys sex is like the lifeblood of their existence, going without it for too long is excruciatingly painful and this is why men are the majority of sex offenders in many circumstances - they take out their sexual frustration because they have been denied too many times over too long a period and/or are suffering from some kind of malady that turns women off (mental health, etc, etc).

Ideally for the involuntarily celibate, if I were running the country I would subsidize call girls for these kinds of men so that any potential sex offenders get caught before they release their pent up frustration on the opposite sex.

Women have the power in relationships compared to AS guys. You can't understand unless you've gone years without getting laid, etc, etc. Only then can you really understand what it's like to be an AS guy. Sex is how guys feel loved and connected whether they are aware of this fact or not, without it they wither and die.

You make some interesting points.

I cannot see it from a man's point of view, I am not a man.

Yes men and women approach relationships in different ways and have traditionally taken different roles in initiating relationships. Men do have to be actively seeking relationships much of the time. Personally I think that is a pity really.. there have been times in the past that I have approached men that have attracted me to test the waters so to speak. I assure you rejection is there for women as well. But since most women choose not to ( and have the choice not to, because of society's expectation that men will do the work ) put themselves in that position then rejection is less frequent.

I am in no way trying to say that there is not an issue for males with Aspergers, in fact in my original post I acknowledge it and tried to give some kind of balance to the thread, since there were many despondent posts which seemed to be mostly from younger males saying that women will not give them the time of day.

I still maintain that the women that are worth having as a long term part of your life if you have ASD are out there and finding and forming lasting relationships is completely possible. This is entirely different from the casual sex scenario that you mention. Sex alone does not = love. My understanding was that the post was about love and not about sex ?
Finding and maintaining a lasting and meaningful relationship requires effort and understanding. BUT it is harder if you have aspergers because the unwritten social rules can be pretty tough to follow
Your comment about women having the upperhand - In any relationship that works no one has the upperhand, there is a consensus about how that relationship will operate.

I am not in this thread to belittle, aggravate, or give an opinion where it is unwelcome, so I will leave the thread.

You missed the point, namely that women prevent relationships from forming in the first place.

Stop spouting your own crap. It's toxic.

Have you ever thought you're not letting the more attractive facets of your personality shine through in the right way?

Vader's right, you can't just expect women to notice the good things about you. You have to sell it. You need to read "The art of seduction" it gives you the dynamics of how people react to gestures, actions, ect... I think all AS can learn something from it.

Hehe. The Art of Seduction, written by the world's greatest lover, Casanova.

Women will notice the good things about me, but only if I know them well enough... Yet another reason I don't rush into anything with a woman I hardly know...