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Never had a girl friend.

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Briarreos
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29 Jan 2009, 8:57 pm

Never had one, and I'm 15. I see so much love around me, and I know I will always be excluded and hated. I return the hatred with kindness, thinking how nice a boyonet would look through their hearts.


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jawbrodt
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29 Jan 2009, 9:18 pm

I might not ever have a girlfriend.....who knows? For now, I've decided to pursue money and health, and the self-confidence that comes with them. After alot of thought, it seems rather obvious that nothing will ever happen if I don't re-gain my self-confidence. So....wouldn't that be the most logical place to start? If nothing else, at least I will be healthy and financially secure. :)


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Vexcalibur
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30 Jan 2009, 12:03 pm

jawbrodt wrote:
I might not ever have a girlfriend.....who knows? For now, I've decided to pursue money and health, and the self-confidence that comes with them.
It doesn't.

Edit: Ignore the yaysayers.


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Last edited by Vexcalibur on 30 Jan 2009, 12:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

billsmithglendale
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30 Jan 2009, 12:21 pm

jawbrodt wrote:
I might not ever have a girlfriend.....who knows? For now, I've decided to pursue money and health, and the self-confidence that comes with them. After alot of thought, it seems rather obvious that nothing will ever happen if I don't re-gain my self-confidence. So....wouldn't that be the most logical place to start? If nothing else, at least I will be healthy and financially secure. :)


You're on the right track -- I guarantee you as soon as you get happy with yourself and successful, that the girls will come, like bees to pollen. Ignore the naysayers in this thread.



protest_the_hero
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30 Jan 2009, 1:12 pm

Thanks, now I feel better about being 15 with no girlfriend.



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30 Jan 2009, 3:41 pm

billsmithglendale wrote:
jawbrodt wrote:
I might not ever have a girlfriend.....who knows? For now, I've decided to pursue money and health, and the self-confidence that comes with them. After alot of thought, it seems rather obvious that nothing will ever happen if I don't re-gain my self-confidence. So....wouldn't that be the most logical place to start? If nothing else, at least I will be healthy and financially secure. :)


You're on the right track -- I guarantee you as soon as you get happy with yourself and successful, that the girls will come, like bees to pollen. Ignore the naysayers in this thread.



I agree. It wasn't so long ago when I had a good job, and was in excellent physical shape. Although still single, I remember being much more confident and happy. So, I figure that would be the most logical place to start. :)


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30 Jan 2009, 7:28 pm

I'm 18 and have never had a girlfriend.

Ironically, a lot of girls at school want me to be their boyfriend.
WTH, people! I'm want to do homework!


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01 Feb 2009, 6:51 pm

I seem to have the worst traits of Asperger's combined with the want or need for emotional/romantic relationship. It sure sucks to want the emotional bonds or romance but not have the 'natural' skills to actually get it.



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01 Feb 2009, 7:20 pm

Add me to the list. What's worse is I KNOW I actually could of had a relationship, but I decided it wouldn't work well. I'd like to think I made the right decision.


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billsmithglendale
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02 Feb 2009, 12:46 pm

Adam917 wrote:
I seem to have the worst traits of Asperger's combined with the want or need for emotional/romantic relationship. It sure sucks to want the emotional bonds or romance but not have the 'natural' skills to actually get it.


By worst traits, what do you see yourself doing? And is it something you can maybe proactively control, or do you not realize what you did until it is too late and the damage done?



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02 Feb 2009, 3:41 pm

billsmithglendale wrote:
Adam917 wrote:
I seem to have the worst traits of Asperger's combined with the want or need for emotional/romantic relationship. It sure sucks to want the emotional bonds or romance but not have the 'natural' skills to actually get it.


By worst traits, what do you see yourself doing? And is it something you can maybe proactively control, or do you not realize what you did until it is too late and the damage done?
Well maybe not worst but certainly traits that could easily negatively impact my chance at making it to '1st base'. Basically, I find that besides the few things I'm interested in, I have little else to talk about. If I ask someone questions about something they're interested in but I'm not, it can usually be noticed that I'm asking them just to keep the conversation flowing & not due to a genuine interest in the subject.

Of course that's assuming I make it past the initial 'attraction/interest stage' (first seconds within meeting someone). It seems it doesn't matter what greeting you use but _how_ you greet them that will determine where things go right afterward.



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02 Feb 2009, 5:02 pm

Adam917 wrote:
billsmithglendale wrote:
Adam917 wrote:
I seem to have the worst traits of Asperger's combined with the want or need for emotional/romantic relationship. It sure sucks to want the emotional bonds or romance but not have the 'natural' skills to actually get it.


By worst traits, what do you see yourself doing? And is it something you can maybe proactively control, or do you not realize what you did until it is too late and the damage done?
Well maybe not worst but certainly traits that could easily negatively impact my chance at making it to '1st base'. Basically, I find that besides the few things I'm interested in, I have little else to talk about. If I ask someone questions about something they're interested in but I'm not, it can usually be noticed that I'm asking them just to keep the conversation flowing & not due to a genuine interest in the subject.

Of course that's assuming I make it past the initial 'attraction/interest stage' (first seconds within meeting someone). It seems it doesn't matter what greeting you use but _how_ you greet them that will determine where things go right afterward.


Depending how AS we are, we seem to have the issue where we like to lecture about what we find interesting, and pretty much ignore what the other person wants to say. I see this happen with my father and I, and it sounds like maybe you have the same issue as well. I have found that sometimes it's a fun game to try to "interview" someone and find out about what they like, where they are from, what they do, etc. It's a nice way to get the conversation going, and then I don't feel like there's a lot of pressure to make interesting conversation, as other things tend to flow organically out of that as you find some common interests. Otherwise, it's like you're rolling the dice as far as what you might want to talk about or what you know about being at all interesting to the person you're talking to. It has the added bonus of making that person think you care, and if you remember what they said at a later date, they'll really be impressed and be more likely to listen to you.



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02 Feb 2009, 5:05 pm

billsmithglendale wrote:
Depending how AS we are, we seem to have the issue where we like to lecture about what we find interesting, and pretty much ignore what the other person wants to say. I see this happen with my father and I, and it sounds like maybe you have the same issue as well. I have found that sometimes it's a fun game to try to "interview" someone and find out about what they like, where they are from, what they do, etc. It's a nice way to get the conversation going, and then I don't feel like there's a lot of pressure to make interesting conversation, as other things tend to flow organically out of that as you find some common interests. Otherwise, it's like you're rolling the dice as far as what you might want to talk about or what you know about being at all interesting to the person you're talking to. It has the added bonus of making that person think you care, and if you remember what they said at a later date, they'll really be impressed and be more likely to listen to you.


Asking a series of rote general questions will only get one so far...



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02 Feb 2009, 5:14 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
billsmithglendale wrote:
Depending how AS we are, we seem to have the issue where we like to lecture about what we find interesting, and pretty much ignore what the other person wants to say. I see this happen with my father and I, and it sounds like maybe you have the same issue as well. I have found that sometimes it's a fun game to try to "interview" someone and find out about what they like, where they are from, what they do, etc. It's a nice way to get the conversation going, and then I don't feel like there's a lot of pressure to make interesting conversation, as other things tend to flow organically out of that as you find some common interests. Otherwise, it's like you're rolling the dice as far as what you might want to talk about or what you know about being at all interesting to the person you're talking to. It has the added bonus of making that person think you care, and if you remember what they said at a later date, they'll really be impressed and be more likely to listen to you.


Asking a series of rote general questions will only get one so far...


All questions are rote -- "what's your name?" "where are you from?" "what was that like?" "where did you go to school?"

From there, you find out other things, maybe more interesting to you, that you can ask. The person is happy to talk about themselves, and before you know it, you've burned an hour. I used to have all kinds of anxiety about talking to people, but now I can converse with almost anyone for hours if I have to, and still enjoy myself. It's really not that hard, just stop thinking so much and being worried about your performance. Show some empathy and concern for the other person.

Btw, people tend to really like it if you know something about their ethnicity -- I live in an area with a lot of Persians, so whenever i meet someone obviously Persian, I bring that up, and they appreciate it. Everyone likes acknowledgement.



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02 Feb 2009, 5:25 pm

billsmithglendale wrote:
From there, you find out other things, maybe more interesting to you, that you can ask. The person is happy to talk about themselves, and before you know it, you've burned an hour. I used to have all kinds of anxiety about talking to people, but now I can converse with almost anyone for hours if I have to, and still enjoy myself. It's really not that hard, just stop thinking so much and being worried about your performance. Show some empathy and concern for the other person.

I can't possibly anticipate all answers to all questions (that would be a bit like asking deep blue to predict all possible outcomes of a chess game)... and since my ability to think on the fly is somewhat hindered, I can't possible engineer pertinent follow-up questions on the spot... I can do it with about 30 seconds delay and internet access to try and gain background information wherever possible, which makes me appear much more eloquent on internet forums such as these and over chat programs, but in real time I tend to look dumber than W...

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Btw, people tend to really like it if you know something about their ethnicity -- I live in an area with a lot of Persians, so whenever i meet someone obviously Persian, I bring that up, and they appreciate it. Everyone likes acknowledgement.

Well that at least narrows it down, although again, it still takes some time to devise follow-up questions, necessitating the usage of pre-designed questions...



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02 Feb 2009, 5:51 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
billsmithglendale wrote:
From there, you find out other things, maybe more interesting to you, that you can ask. The person is happy to talk about themselves, and before you know it, you've burned an hour. I used to have all kinds of anxiety about talking to people, but now I can converse with almost anyone for hours if I have to, and still enjoy myself. It's really not that hard, just stop thinking so much and being worried about your performance. Show some empathy and concern for the other person.

I can't possibly anticipate all answers to all questions (that would be a bit like asking deep blue to predict all possible outcomes of a chess game)... and since my ability to think on the fly is somewhat hindered, I can't possible engineer pertinent follow-up questions on the spot... I can do it with about 30 seconds delay and internet access to try and gain background information wherever possible, which makes me appear much more eloquent on internet forums such as these and over chat programs, but in real time I tend to look dumber than W...

Quote:
Btw, people tend to really like it if you know something about their ethnicity -- I live in an area with a lot of Persians, so whenever i meet someone obviously Persian, I bring that up, and they appreciate it. Everyone likes acknowledgement.

Well that at least narrows it down, although again, it still takes some time to devise follow-up questions, necessitating the usage of pre-designed questions...


Interesting... I have to admit that my AS is not that bad, so I guess I'm not seeing some of the limitations some of the folks with more severe symptoms are running into. What you say makes sense, and I don't really know what to say, because it does sound like a genuine limitation/challenge. I know people like this at work, esp. in the Tech/IT dept. -- very hard to get small talk out of them, not a lot of engagment or empathy. I guess this must be what's going on in their heads. Funny thing, the one I'm thinking of the most with regards to thsi also spends all his time at church -- It would be funny if you're him, and we're coworkers ;)