Another year gone, still alone...

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Maybe that's the deal then. I just enjoy doing the same things he does. We do the movie and eating out thing, but I prefer just grabbing something and eating with him. Then we both like to look at historical places and graveyards, so we usually have a pretty decent time. I must stress though that we are just close friends. His decision...not mine.

I agree with most of what Bataar said. It's better to think realistically about this, and not keep hoping for things which are unlikely to happen. The hope itself makes being single all the more painful, so don't try to encourage us by saying "there's someone for everyone" or "it can happen for you someday"... that doesn't help at all. I've found that ditching the idealism and not caring about love so much gives me peace. I just wish I had realized this sooner.

Also, it's important to keep in mind what you're likely to get if you DID find someone. What do most people in relationships have to look forward to? Fights, loss of freedom, mind games, and eventual break-ups/divorce. Relationships hardly ever last. So what's the point? Seems pretty silly that anyone would want to put themself through this. Thinking about it in this way makes being single seem a lot more enjoyable... for me, at least.

Last edited by Cyberman on 29 Jan 2009, 11:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

i don't want to make you feel bad about being single or even take away the joy of being single but i feel i must say this, sometimes it is better to love and loose it that to never have loved at all. every relationship i've been in has failed (pretty obvious as i'm now single) but only a couple of the many break-ups were painfull, the time shared didn't feel like time wasted apart from when i was with one or two of them and i've learnt more and more each time. if i manage to get into another relationship it should last a good few months like last time, after that the next should last six months, and after that a year give or take depending on what the other half's like.

sure it sucks for me to be single but as soon as i get into a social environment such as college/work/hobbies i should be alright and i think the same could be possible for others here who are in the same boat.

I hope you're going to be living on campus if you're hoping for college to deliver a potential lover. I know from personal experience that if you don't live on campus, you won't know anybody that does, and will largely be excluded from the college "life", so to speak. It has its pros and cons. As I've stated before, you wouldn't be able to find love in college if you aren't in the middle of it, but you're also excluded from much of the social pressures such as that for drinking...

If it can work for you, that's great. But what's good for you might not be good for someone else. I know that for me, any relationship would end up becoming a nightmare, because I'm not emotionally equipped for relationships or have any real experience with them. Also, I seem to have many of the traits that NT's complain about in their AS partners. But I'm starting to accept this as being "just the way I am," instead of beating myself up for it. It's somewhat liberating.

Not true, if he's involved in school activities and/or student government or other school clubs, he'll have an easy time meeting someone. It sounds like he's already had a pretty decent track record of hooking up. Out of everyone on this thread, he's the one I think "gets it" and understands the principles at work, and who I'm not worried about at all - he's going to go on and have more and more successful relationships, because he has a generally positive outlook and tries.

Like I said earlier, I remember feeling hopeless, trapped, and limited by my own social skills (or lack of them), but I see now I had a lot of beliefs that were limiting or just flat out wrong. I see a lot of those same attitudes and ideas here in this thread, and it's not productive. You need professional help, someone to get you out of your rut, because the deep and clinical depression comes across very clearly in your words. You're like a car stuck in the mud, grinding it's wheels, that has stopped trying. You need to ask someone for a push or a tow.

Yeah, you're going to have to actually sacrifice a little bit to have a relationship. If things like having sex, getting affection, and finding a soulmate are important to you, this will be worth it, and you should be able to find it in someone where you won't have to actually change that much about your life. For sure, you shouldn't be going so far as to do things you really don't enjoy or giving up all your favorite hobbies. My wife actually enjoys several of my dorky hobbies, and I think a lot of women are flexible like this -- it's worth it to get a guy who will treat them right, or who will help them be happy. You don't need to put her on a pedestal or become another girl. And yeah, you will have some fights and some problems. The good should be outweighing the bad. I know it does for me -- my personal philosophy has always been that in any transaction or relationship, I should always come out even or ahead, or it's no good. Work, love life, and friendship/hobbies -- win/win, or win/lose in my favor, but never lose/win.

Anyways, try other avenues besides school. Online dating, WoW, places you think people with your world outlook and AS characteristics would go. I know a lot of AS people who have gotten married, mostly to people like themselves (thus the rising rate of autism in Silicon Valley, case in point, as a result of these pairings). There's nothing wrong in consulting a professional or an expert for help.

Having a positive outlook is all fine and dandy, but it means nothing unless you can stay realistic with it. When I was a kid, I had a rather positive attitude (except when I was being bullied in school), and it all came crashing down on one summer evening in 2002, when I was rejected for the first time. I was in a serious depression for three years and had to be put on prozac before I came out of it. Nowadays, I'm over that particular rejection (and I'm actually good friends with the woman that rejected me then, and we've pretty much both been able to chalk that particular episode as teenage awkwardness and moved on), and I've been rejected many times by many women since then (albeit I was prepared for it and was spared the clinical depression that you think I'm in now), but the consequences of that rejection (and the rejections to follow) provided me with the rather heavy dose of realism I needed to understand... that I am pretty much an unlovable man...

due to how the system works over here i doubt there'll be any 'clubs' available at college for me to try and no dorms i can live in, an idea however could be part time work experience which others might contemplate as a good idea for them. the people i'm working with to get me into work are trying to get me a place working in a gym, i'll be starting off by going to college so i can try that route out first and if it fails i can try meeting people at the gym, there'll be an instant conversation starter and we'll know we have similar hobbies because of going to the gym and so it could work out for the best.





Toad, just because you've had a bad set of experiences in the past it doesn't mean you should give up, having the experiences shows you're capable of starting a relationship and where you've failed in the past you can learn to correct those mistakes and try what worked and leave out what didn't. i had a bad case of feeling rejected and felt so depressed when i was dumped that i didn't know what to do, i wallowed in self pity for a long time and missed an oppertunity with a good person as a result. you shouldn't forget the negative things from the past but instead see them in a different light and think differently to what you do now, you need to look past the negative and see it as something that happened in the past, if you constantly worry about 'what could have been' you wont be able to worry about 'what could be'.

Yes, the gym is a good idea, as it will expose you to different people constantly, especially if you work there. Also, I haven't been to the UK, but I find it hard to believe there aren't various clubs and organizations in school -- colleges can't be that different. I'm talking about any kind of special interest organization -- photography, film, politics, whatever.

The only reservation I have about work is making friends with coworkers -- since both of you have to be there, the time you spend isn't really friend time so much as necessity time. Clubs, on the other hand, are people spending their free time doing something they want to do, so friendships and relationships started there are more serious/sincere. I'm not saying you can't end up with relationships and friendships from work, just that it is a bit harder, even more so than school.

I tried going to a gym once... I have never felt so out of place in my life... although it would probably be a better option for familiar stranger, who at least appears to have average physique...


Let me get this straight... clubs are the places where serious relationships start? Are you out of your mind? From the experiences I have had in clubs, the only thing that is going to start is a one-night stand or something else that is as equally shallow...

From what I've heard, there is actually an advantage to developing a relationship at work (provided you're "compatible" and get to know them first.) Because at work, you get to see how the other person functions under stress and how they deal with certain problems. This is good preparation for when issues arise while you're together. My parents supposedly met at their job, and they stayed together, so it can work for those who are capable of having relationships.

Last edited by Cyberman on 30 Jan 2009, 1:01 pm, edited 2 times in total.

the club you're thinking of is different to what billsmithglendale is talking about, clubs with doormen and booze fuelled dancing are one type where another is where you go to meet others who enjoy the same hobbies. ever heard of a book club?

that's a pretty good description of the positive outlook on office 'romances', you seem to know what you're talking about.

That's what my parents explained to me, and one of the reasons why their relationship worked out pretty well... but then, they had more relationship-compatible traits than I have.

many people have told me i'd have a beautiful girlfriend with a great personality, a decent job with great pay and have a good outlook on life by the time i left school.

i agree that sometimes people can be wrong, then again they might just be off a few years

I wouldn't put much stock in unrealistic expectations provided by others... One of my now-former friends that I stayed in touch with after high school got this girlfriend in college that he later introduced to me, and after a while the girl was going on about how I had everything a girl would want and she was surprised that I was single... go figure...