Do Aspies have a chance at a meaningful relationship?

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ThePeaGuy,

We know that Autism is a spectrum, worse for some than others. If you think that getting a date is as easy as gritting your teeth, learning the right body language, concentrating, and using some self-determination - then you're not Autistic enough to appreciate what it's like for us on the more severe side of the spectrum. I can't even make friends, who do you think you're kidding if you think I just don't have a positive mental attitude. I lived in confused bliss for years, it made no difference if I'm positive or not. I have days of good self confidence, it makes no difference.

Well said, Tolian!

I'd just like to interject for a second (yeah i know everyone is saying "dammit not again...")

While I've had my disagreements with ThePeaMan as is obvious from the last 10 or so posts, I do want to point out that it's really not appropriate to start talking about who's "more autistic" on the forums. The spectrum really is multidimensional and thus there is no meaningful way to come up with a single quantitative measurement as to "how autistic" someone is, and even if there were, telling someone they can't understand because they're "not autistic enough" kinda cheapens the whole thing, at least in my opinion.

Remember, we're all on the same side here, just having some differences of opinion.

That's not what I'm saying. I hate elitism in all it's forms, and considering myself part of some self-appointed Autism elitist crew that are "more" Autisic is ludicrous and goes against everything I believe in.

That said, Autism is on a spectrum. It's worse for some than others. I know what self-determination is. I know that some things aren't ever easy. That's life. There are some things that may seem easy to the Pea Guy, and there are things that seem easy to me. But I'm not going to tell someone who is so severely affected with Autism he has to live in constant care "hey, you just need a positive attitude". But if I did say that, and the guy turned around and just managed to mutter "you couldn't understand" - I wouldn't say he was trying to be "more autistic" - why would anyone say that? Do you realise what you're saying? You're suggesting I'm wearing Autism like a badge. I've been conditioned by society too much, I will not proudly declare "I'm more socially inept than you!". The only reason I say the things I do is to get more understanding about the condition.

Trust me, telling me to have "a positive attitude" is like someone waving a wand at me and saying; "I JUST CURED YOU!" It's ridiculous. Only logic, reasoning and a deeper understanding of what makes by brain tick could possibly make me feel better about any sort of social situation.

I don't blame people for trying to help me. But Peaguy was way off the mark with his "manic-depressive" diatribe. A lack of empathy does not excuse a lack of reason, come on - I thought we were supposed to be all intelligent here!

And if people avoid the VERY important fact that Autism does affect some more than others because of the potential implications for elitism and arguments about who is more autistic, then you deny what could be essential into getting people help. What if some people found out there was one thing they *could* do well that other people couldn't, and not just assume they couldn't do that thing because some other Aspie couldn't.

Pretending Aspies are all the same is more destructive than any possible group of aspies claiming to be "more" autistic. Get over it. I'm more Autistic if it just takes a PMA to get dates. And I don't say that to be elitist.

im pretty young compared to all of you apparently.. .

ive never been on a date.. once this friend of mine wanted to hug me... she puts her arms out as if to hug,.. all i did was stare at her baffled. i did hug her when she says "hug me"

but... we havent ever since. and when i ask her to.. she kinda .. runs away.

and about everyone keeps saying ill never get a date.. wether they be friend or foe...

if anyone could give me some advice.. instead of just YELLING.. that would be nice..

Only one form of Autism? You cannot be serious.

True queerpuppy. If there are not more severe forms of autism, how then would those with any form of low functioning autism be explained. They have it far worse, since they struggle to function at all and may only be good in one or two things, and for some, maybe more. Perhaps severity is the wrong wording. There are, however, people with autistic forms that struggle more than others to: work, socialize, sustain themselves, live on their own, make friends, date, marry, remain married, communicate, or develop.

If this is not so, then how do some get girl friends or mate intimately before the age of 25 and many others do not? Or how do some find lifelong careers and others bounce from one job to another or do not work? How do some succeed so well in life, career, romance, and such while so many others fail? How come many are afraid or just don't ever leave their house, while many others appear to do just fine?

Whether or not one agrees with severity within the spectrum, one certainly must agree with how severe the autistic is affected compared with others who do so well. Level of functionality must be considered, for this is really the form of measurement for autism. This level of functionality, directly affects auties performance and success in functioning in life. Some, though, do or may learn ways to work around their problems or even overcome some problems, for some that manage this, sometimes new problems arise. Thus, for some, it maybe an ongoing process, but if one conscientiously develops work arounds for past problems, it maybe easier to continue to develop those for the new ones.

I maybe using oppinions, but i have developed my oppinion after reading alot on the subject of autism, including books, magazines, and net sites and articles.

I'm 23, never had a girlfriend, never been on a date. I can say that I've probably never said more than a few words to a girl before that wasn't about work or some formal situation. If I were a gambler I’d put it all on single ‘till death.

The last few years of my life have been, different, to say the least. But I am at a point were I understand that if I go my entire life without so much as having a single relationship, it won't matter. I have an awesome life, I love were I am, and a lack of companionship can't take that away.

I guess the chances of me meeting someone are pretty slim. I don't go to bars--don't drink--or parties--I dislike large gatherings--so I am just not really in the physical locations that would allow me to meet someone. True, you could meet someone any place, any time, but I--at least subconsciously--avoid situations were I would meet new people. I have many friends, including one who is also an aspie, and socializing with them is no problem for me. I feel natural, relaxed and at ease, but when I’m around someone I just met my AS kicks in and I over analyze every detail to the point where I can’t express myself the way I want to.

If, by chance or fate, someone approached me, I would definitely give it a go, but right now I don't see how sharing my life with someone else could make it any better.

I'm happy, and that's all that matters to me.

I was 25 before I managed to get though a whole date. I was 28 when I met my wife - we've been together for 17 years - and I'd kind of given looking for someone. I was depressed and suicidal at the time. But luckily something clicked. I think part of the problem was that I'd been so desperate to find someone. When I stopped trying I became less scary.

I only found out that my strangeness in society was Asperger's last year, I spent most of my life feeling I was going mad, some kind of alien in human form, etc. My wife, it turns out, is borderline Aspie. It possibly gives her greater insight into how I am. She says that knowing I have Asperger's makes things a lot easier. It's just the way I'm hardwired, a different brainset to NT's. I love her all the more for the fact that she was with me for 16 years before discovering I had Apserger's.

The relationship thing is something you've got to work at everyday - looking at the few NT couples we know I've concluded that it doesn't come naturally to anyone, the high percentage of divorce seems to support this. As an Aspie there are more difficulties to overcome, but talking to your partner is critical. M is, more or less, the only person I actually talk to. I fortunately now have a job which is done over the internet (I've worked as a research engineer and a maths/blacksmithing teacher). I'm incapable of reading people, without asking regularly what M is thinking and feeling I'd be completely lost. The reverse is also true, I don't show emotion (I'm pretty sure I do feel it, I can certainly get joyful, angry and mad) and M has to ask what I'm thinking/feeling.

I think it really depends what kind of aspie you are - in what senses though I'm not really sure I wanna go into.