What do you do when a girl you aren't attracted to likes you

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Wins what? I'm not looking for debate points. I'm trying to explain that you can't assume a woman who goes on a date with you is attracted to you and wants a relationshup. She might. She might not. But you can't assume she will. If you want to assume that so that you will be right and your definition wins, you will have dates that end in misunderstanding and hurt feelings (yours) unless you take care to not mentally lable something a date until after the relationship has already started, which is hopefully what you will do.

I'm not so sure. I've been together with several relatively fat girls and it doesn't bother me. In fact, I couldn't care less. Physically, I'm only looking at the face and the eyes. Guess there is no rule without any exceptions after all.

It's a piece of information. Why withhold information? Also, it's very common to find fat people unappealing because our current society indoctrinate us with how unhealthy it is. (Which translates to "not in the top ten list of characteristics particularily suitable for procreation" by the internal biological clock. Note that it refers to unhealthyness, not the concept of being fat.)

I argue that most people have no less than two distinct standards. One that is based on physics and one that is based on psychology. Note that this implies you still have eyesight. If you disagree on this point, can you really look at anything and never decide if it looks good or not? The answer to what [looks good/bad] is individual and has no static answer. But fatness (and particularily obeseness) is, generally speaking, perceived as "not looking good" - and thank media for that and stop telling people they need to take a position on this matter - or else they're shallow and they suck.

I totally agree.

Great, I'm happy for you.
By the way, you're funny too.

Yes, I can see that potential for a breakdown in communication, but I think this comes down to the way people phrase the question. For example: if a girl I've just met says, "shall we go on a date?" I'll probably say, "sorry I don't feel that way about you" because to me the word has romantic connotations. If instead she says, "shall we meet up for a meal when we're both free?" Then I'll probably accept and inspect my diary.

With the first question, I'd feel grossly uncomfortable and pressured into a relationship. With the second, I'd assume they'd like to get to know me as a friend, and as I like having friends that is perfectly acceptable. I would not automatically assume that she has ulterior motives or that a relationship is on the cards; it would be strictly platonic until something made me change my mind.

Perhaps I should clarify that during the initial "getting to know each other" meetup I may consider whether she is a potential girlfriend. I imagine most people do. However I wouldn't consider said meetup to be a 'date', because we are there to find out whether we are compatible as people, rather than as lovers.



I think we agree for the most part but clarity in what I write is a problem.

I think this is the best explanation available to what I've been wanting to say in this and other threads as well... the word "date" itself is too emotionally charged for a mere meetup situation...

That works wonderfully when she asks you for a date. But can you accept that if you ask her for a date and she says yes, that she does not necessarily share your same definition of "I am attracted to this person"? If you're ok with that, then things can go well. If you assume that she is interested in a relationship because you said "date" and she said "yes", that's where the problems come in. She hasn't misled you if she says "yes" even though she isn't looking for a relationship. I'm just trying to head off the "she LIED to me when she said she wanted to go on a date" posts.

I would not have said, "shall we go out on a date?" after I've just met them, but instead "are you free for lunch on sunday?". I prefer to be friends first, because that way I can evaluate them as a person and make sure my first impressions were not incorrect. Assuming we've been friends for a while and we've spent a reasonable amount of time together, I would assume she knew the difference between me saying, "Shall we arrange a date?" from "when are you next free to meet up?". I don't use the word 'date' like that in any context other than relationships: it's too emotionally charged for me to use it casually. Hopefully, therefore, the situation would not arise where I ask for a date and she says 'yes' without any intention of a future relationship. Does that make sense?

That does make sense and sounds like a good policy.

*laugh* Yes, LPP, you win the internet. Congratulations - now let's get back to the discussion.

Your definition is your definition - there is no 'win'. I'm curious, though, how successful this outlook has been for you, since you seem driven to press it upon others. And in disagreement with Janissy - yes, those situations can be dates. A friendship can blossom into romance, November-May relationships do occur, intra-office attraction is common, and the sexuality of both people involve determine whether the gender of the other person is important. I can agree that attraction is essential, but attraction does not equate with either romance or relationships - at best, it is a catalytic agent.

CC, I completely respect the value you place on the word "date" - I think being aware of the semantic differences between yourself and those you date may help you in the long run. They may interpret your invitation to coffee as a date, and not recognize when you subtly shift terminology... and it isn't reasonable to assume that another person can read your thoughts. Also, remember that your discomfort does not mean that another will automatically feel that way. I think we agree on many points, though the extent to which we go on each differs. Nothing wrong with that; my points are generally based on 'is what you are doing now working?' - if not, then it needs to be re-examined.


M.

Oh well, I don't think it matters now anyways. She's stopped messaging me, I don't care and am still not interested. I can't pretend to be interested when I'm not, and when I'm insincere it's extremely obvious to anyone especially women, so as to be a waste of time for us both. I just didn't feel like saying "I only like you as a friend etc." because I don't want to have to deal with any misunderstandings or her getting defensive. Maybe it's a passive way of solving things but there's really nothing to be gained as I don't value her friendship much anyways. <--- that sounds mean, but NT's do it all the time, they just don't make it explicit.

I'm a little late to the party, but...

This has happened to me twice. On both occasions I put as much distance between me and them as possible - in social terms. One person had to be ignored on IM, added to my junk e-mail list, and the admin of a group we both used banned her because of her subsequent fit of (libellous, and very public) pique. The other, I just avoided as much as possible.

It took a lot of time for them both to get the message. It was kind of distressing, with the first one leaving nasty messages on my voicemail. The other was repeatedly taken aside by mutual acquaintances (one of whom is now an extremely good friend) and told politely but firmly to back off.

Thanks!



Actually, this is where I struggle because I don't want to say the wrong thing and have them assume I already fancy them from the word 'go'...but I would like some time together to get to know them. Like the "does my bum look big in this?" trap, there seems to be no 'correct' way to invite someone out for a coffee without implying a romantic date.



Of course not, but when you've been friends with someone for a while, you get to know the way they think, and become able to second-guess their reactions some of the time. I realise 'assume' is a bad word, but I wasn't sure how else to put it.



True. I just happen to be particularly squeamish about the whole business and where each of us draws the line between friendly and romantic. I find it extremely hard to kiss a girl on the cheek - even my friends. I just can't - it's too embarrassing. Hugs were hard until a couple of years ago when my aunt decided it was time for some 'therapy'! They're still not great, but better.

One question, though: if a girl I've just met does say to me, "shall we arrange a date?", should I assume that she means a friendly 'get to know each other' date or a romantic one? I'd usually default to the romantic kind due to the phrasing, but I don't want to misinterpret them.

CC - thank you, I really appreciate this conversation with you.

You might want to preface that that have struck your fancy (choose your own terminology) and you'd like to get to know them better. That way the intention is laid out without making a commitment beyond the immediate get-to-know-you phase.

If she is asking to arrange a date and you are unsure, counter with a question of your own: "Should I bring flowers or some books to discuss?" Indirect questioning can have greater success in determining intent than beating down the door. It's a tough place - I've made a world-class arse of myself by presuming more was there than the other person did. I've also had maddening success. No one way to succeed; but not trying almost guarantees that there will be no opportunity.


M.