Intellectual compatibility = utimate AS hurdle in dating?

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In the two cases where I did get a good connection with someone, it built gradually. Once over about half a year. The other time we corresponded for two years, I visited for a few days, and that's when I felt we connected.

Although my experience is limited, I think part of that sense of connection you talk about is confidence that you know what matters to the other, confidence that you can offer something that matters to the other, and that you care what matters to the other. Then that has to be mutual. The caring may be easy, the other two parts are difficult, and can fall apart very quickly.

Last edited by Gromit on 22 Sep 2010, 5:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

I know. Thats why all the real boyfriends i've had I'd gotten to know first. Going out "looking" for someone does notwork, and that is also why dating sites are useless.

The goal should be meet an get to know as many people as possible, not "look for a girlfriend"

Well I have managed to connect to about 5 people in my life (looking from about age 12 onwards), 3 out of five weren't interested in me romantically, 1 I dated for a brief while (my success story!), 1.. well it was just a mess.

I said my rate was about 0.1 because I've met hundreds of guys in my life, although perhaps a closer estimate would be 0.5%.

I think there's a lot of misunderstanding coming from the fact that everybody is defining the terminology differently - which unfortunately is a difficult problem to solve as all the concepts we are discussing are completely abstract in the first place.

Of course you have to get to know someone first before you can forge a connection - I have had to get to know every one of the people I listed, sometimes over the span of a year or more, but a connection cannot be forged without initial romantic attraction being there, I believe.

I'm not sure I'm the best person to offer solutions, but I just wanted to say that I relate to the OP's comments:

I'm attracted to very few men, although .. actually if I look a little deeper, there are in fact many that I am physically attracted to, but not necessarily attracted to in any other way. I can appreciate men's sexuality in other words, yet I, in myself, do not actually respond to anything other than a deeper attraction. And why would I?!
I don't personally believe short term relationships are generally economic, in an emotional (or any other) sense. I relate to the OP's assertion that to kiss someone I am not genuinely attracted to would feel deeply wrong, and possibly like 'kissing my brother'

Mind you, I've been open to misinterpretation, because of what I experience as platonic approach to people, male or female ..

Perhaps there are options along the following lines:
~ you prefer not to 'know what you want' and wait for the right person to come along, which you will know intuitively when that happens: the organic approach
~ you can get to know 'what you are looking for', ie what you like and also what will be compatible with you (are they the same? or two different things?) through dating, or just through friendships. I believe it's possible to do through either, or both.

In a previous post on this topic, I mentioned being statistically 'outliers', but it is also the case that if you are looking for a deeper relationship, everyone is in the same boat, AS, NT, whatever .. they actually don't come along all that often and many wonder about them.
It's ok to be looking for a deeper relationship, or not. (that's my personal belief anyway)

Whenever I've asked people who are in a happy, stable relationship or are married how they met, or how they got together, there's a variety of answers depending on the people.
To give some (obviously anonymous) examples:

* a couple I know got together when they were both a little older and they were living in nearby flats. He was poor (may have even been unemployed, can't quite remember) and she was 'wealthy' ie had a well-paying job. she had all this great food there all the time, and was quite blase about it, and he thought it was just great. Incidentally, they're something of an odd couple, he being a couple inches shorter than her - not that it matters but thought I'd throw that in. They're wonderful together, both their lives have gotten great since they've been together, they both study and do jobs they love, have child, own a house. And, most of all, they're both great people (and wonderful friends of mine - not that I actually spend that much time hanging out with them but we've known each other for years now and have a connection)

* a couple I know got together, having already known each other socially for a few years, after the guy's brother died. She had been dating the brother when he died. The grief brought the two close, and suddenly it was .. well, you know. They had to take 'time out' ie get away from others to sort out the situation and what it was, for the obvious reason of the preceived impropriety. They're married, have kids, have been for years, etc, have a healthy relationship with good communication. Also have been great friends to me and their lives (I think) have improved since being together.

*a couple I used to know got together over planning a mutual friend's birthday (I think it might have been a surprise party). He told me the story, and said that he 'used the opportunity' to get to know her a little better, and I think they may have actually gotten together at the actual party, and just taken it from there. I'm not sure can't remember. Anyhow, they're good.

*generally, a lot of women I ask this question of say that they met their partner at a time when they weren't looking for a relationship, and were just happy doing their thing in life. A lot of these women may be NT women, so it may not be exactly the same for AS women, but .. well that's what they say anyhow.

I can't recall any more right now, but my general point is just that it's different for everyone, depending on what they like, accept and what suits them.

The best advice I've ever had was along the lines of 'just ignore' them; not in a mean way, just in a 'let the guys do the work and hopefully don't scare them off with your hypersensitivity' - HA ha.

As for the OP, well, your age is listed as 22, and .. if it's any comfort .. whether it feels like it or not, you have heaps of time

p.s. in answer to your question:

observe intellectual compatability for a while. If it is a phenomenon, it will be present both sometimes in those you might be attracted to and in those who you are not attracted to. this will answer, or help answer, the question of it being a hurdle.

I can speak from personal experience that it's profoundly awful to date someone beneath you intellect-wise.

I'm trying to avoid sounding like an arrogant jerk here, but this has been a major problem for me all my dating life.

As a backgrounder, I have an IQ marked at 140. I'm a Mensa candidate. I was in the Gifted program in school. I'm also Asperger's.

Of all the women I've dated over the years, I've met exactly one that has engaged me on an intellectual level that makes me feel happy and comfortable to be with her. I've dated some girls that have bored me so much I've wondering what was going through my head when I first met them (well, actually, it only takes a few minutes to realize this sometimes).

I went through a period in my late twenties when I was dating one woman after another, having passionate affairs with them for a few weeks, and then realizing there was nothing there to talk about or to engage with on my level. It's incredibly boring to date someone whom is very dull and self-absorbed in their own dramas, rarely interested in bigger issues or challenging themselves to expand their personal experiences.

It's hard sometimes, but you do realize over time that it's worse to date someone just for the sake of physical contact, sex and companionship than it is to be single and self-directed.

I think that is an interesting point of view to hear, and, while trying also not to sound arrogant, I can relate to and agree quite strongly with the post.

Unfortunately, same here, though my sense of equity and like of all people makes me extremely reluctant to admit this even to myself. I am more than willing to try dating someone of lower IQ type intellect (there are many other forms of equally important intellect after all), but for some reason I never seem to get past the friendship stage with these people, I just don't feel attracted to them. I think the intellectual connection is a driving force in initial attraction for me.

I think perhaps males are able to overlook this at first, because initial attraction for males tends to be more appearance based (whereas for females it tends to be more related to mental factors). There is actually substantial psychological research regarding this phenomenon, plus it's evolutionarily adaptive so it makes sense.

When The Face of Boo refers to me as being elitist, or says that I am choosing not to give people a chance, I think perhaps on his end due to appearance based initial attraction he would be more able to initially give a wider range of people a "chance" than I could, as for me even the initial attraction doesn't exist. Perhaps this comes across as a little personal, but I do feel as though I have to defend myself in regards to these comments because I don't believe I am an elitist person.

I find nothing wrong with "dating" someone who doesn't challenge me intellectual (99% of people don't challenge me and 90% people in the Fortune 50 companies I work with don't either).

So you date and have fun. The relationship lasts a few months and you realize you can't see yourself with the person forever - but you stay with it because it's entertaining for the time. By the time the 1 year mark hits (if it lasts that long) you're looking for ways out. Maybe you get proposed to, or maybe you find a way out. Either way, it's over.

The women with whom I interact with and find (intellectually) attractive (VP, CEO, CTO) are a decade or more older than myself and married. So no joy there.

In fact, I have met only ONE person (a woman recently) who has kept me on my toes, so yeah to me, it's that rare.

Will I settle? No, probably not. But you date and date and date to pass the evenings (well, I'm actually waiting for Civ 5 to start up).

Since 99.5% or 99.9% of people are not good enough for you guys then maybe you have to join some club for geniuses. There would be a concentration of 0.1% of people there.

Been there and done that. Just didn't find it interesting enough. Yeah the conversations were good however my interests didn't seem to run in their circles. At the time, I was a serious work-a-holic and the time comittment wasn't something I could make - then I moved and the circe of those rarified individuals diminished.

I don't think the OP is saying that the 99.5% or whatever aren't good enough. The OP is saying something along the lines of 'they don't resonate'.

What do they say? If the shoe fits, wear it. I wouldn't wear ill-fitting shoes, just as I wouldn't pretend the wrong person is a match.

Some people don't care, I do. I've tried dating people that aren't quite right (whether it's intellectually, or some other way) and ignoring my initial feelings just never has turned out. Maybe it's just an intuitive thing. Maybe it's a cost/benefit thing. I would rather be doing self-directed activity than hanging out dating.

Incidentally, what I think of when I think about people being an intellectual match, is often not what it seems. What I mean is, I'm odd and often other people who are very 'smart' in the traditional sense are the ones who sometimes share that oddness in dynamic thinking and hence whom I get along with.
But, what I've found in life is that anyone can have that actual quality. It's not that common, but I've heaps of different people who do have it. A lot are AS, some aren't. A lot are artists, or artists of some description, writer, singers, musicians .. and some aren't. Some were great at school, like me; some hated school and can't do maths or science for nuts.

It's called love, and it's what I want in my life, and hope that others find too.

Then donate your sperm/eggs to a sperm bank....

Why? What does having children, or not have to do with it?

Booh, give it a rest. No one's trying to be cool, no one's a narcissist, no one's holding themselves out as high and Godly. Its all in your head.

It still seems to me you guys are trying to make this into a business transaction. Intellectual compability is nice and all for a dinner conversation, but love is supposed to be about feelings and emotions and passion not a merger of minds. As someone who is a little too straight and narrow, I prefer someone who will push me out of my comfort zone and allow me to experience new sensations and viewpoints. I briefly dated an artistic-type woman who had me completely out of my element and who I had virtually nothing in common with (I am an INTP.) I had a great time, even though I didn't agree with half of the things she said. It didn't last, but I learned that I shouldn't limit myself if I didn't want to limit myself if you know what I mean. Besides, most self-proclaimed high iq people seem to have have a burr stuck in their backside like they are training for their next life or something.