Cyber spying/stalking, am I obsessed and a creep

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Actually, she probably does want that. Just not with him.

The reason for the blocking is because she ended their contact and he continued to private message her.
Just a few hints for people in this situation, a pity though that its too late in this case.

This is how an infatuated ex can avoid getting blocked on facebook, and can stay on good terms.

Acceptable comunication:

Lighthearted comments on their status updates, not obsessive, maybe one comment out of 10 of the updates she or he does. Not about relationships of past or feelings
No private messages - about anything
The odd comment (not lots, the ODD one) on their wall asking how you're doing

Creepy/stalking communication

Sending too many or even a few private messages
Talking about the relationship
reflecting on the relationship
Too many comments on wall or status updates.
ANY sort of communication on the dating site.
Any sort of facebook drama - deleteing her what not

He knows she isn't interested now, but there is little point trying to tease it out. She tried to let you down easily by being on good terms and then stopped trying to maintain the friendship for the sake of "just being nice".

In many cases, and most likely this one, the term "just being friends" after a relationship means "just being aquaintences" - the level of contact usually wanted is aquaintence. Good terms, not much communication and can be civil and friendly to each other if they meet.

I guess in some cases the ex's stay close friends but it is a lot rarer.

I do however think in this case it will be easier for him in the long run, as now shes cut communication, he will be able to heal. Having continuous contact with her as "friends" obviously bothers him and it's like continuous picking at a wound.

really well said, this is a great guideline. these things are not obvious (i have pushed things too far as an ex too).

I knew there was going to be worms.

I'd like to see if some of you might be able to relate to her. She has some issues.

Her image and esteem for herself is low.

She doesn't take criticism well.

She is a self-proclaimed people pleaser.

She says things and does things without thinking, then easily regrets it. She may even try to cover it up, or block it out.

She admits that she is super sensitive.

She has difficulties deciphering between real and perceived danger. The fight or flight instinct kicks in before she stops and analogizes whether or not she needs to run.

She sees an attack on someone else as an attack on her. She takes on other people's shame.

She builds walls to protect herself.

She's afraid to talk about her feelings in fear of being criticized or told how to fix them.

She was new to being in a relationship. She didn't know what to do or how to act.

If you can relate to her, then I don't blame you one bit for wanting to defend her and come to her rescue. Heck, if I saw someone else writing this I might defend her too. I can see why she's running from me. Because I've broken so many perceived social rules, she probably see no reason to stop and listen to me. What other social rules might I break before I am through?

HaleBopp writes down some good rules to follow, but also brings up a good point as to you have to know them. But sometimes you don't know them until you break them, or someone else breaks them toward you. And nevertheless, these are not rules written in stone. They can be adapted and modified along the way. People like her have a hard time adapting.

I feel sorry for her and I feel bad that she has decided to turn me into the bad guy. I want to see her have a good life. I want to see her face her demons and defeat them. I just think a lot of you are making excuses for her.

no you are stalking her and you are wrong

I beg to differ. I think it sucks that people hurt others this way and no one ever takes them to task for it.

~Kate

you say that, but I guarantee you, that I am sure you'd not want to be relentlessly hounded for reasons, not everyone is as honourable as you'd like to believe
I know I wouldn't want someone constantly asking the specific reasons of why I left, don't wanna talk to them, etc
I've dealt with it before, and it sucks
its nice and easy to punish but so many I know would be on my side if they were on the opposite end
so easy to condemn so hard to understand

No, I specifically said that I didn't think she was off-base for doing the dumping, only for the WAY she did it. If she didn't like the color of his EYES, explained it and said from the get-go that it was not going to work, even as friends, I'd think she was a superficial twit, but not that she did anything WRONG in handling the breakup. What galls ME is that people think they can just hurt someone and walk away without having to explain at all, just breeze right out of someone's life and leave them hurting like that. I'd rather HEAR that the color of my eyes makes an individual want to puke (or whatever it is) than have to conjure up every f*cking possibility that occurs to me on a daily basis like I do. Because then it's one or two or three negative things, not whatever my brain comes up with and I can evaluate the truth/falsity of the statements, decide whether I need to do anything about them, and MOVE ON. This "dump and run" sh*t is nasty, and people who do it are heartless cowards.

~Kate

I *do* give specific reasons, maybe too specific. No one ever hounds me because I don't withhold. I'm not brutal but I am straightforward. I hate this "dump and run" crap. Just be a man and say why you left. It's not that friggin' hard. You might hurt the person, but believe me it's much worse having to wonder.

I once broke up with a guy when I was in HS and he was in his first year of college because he was too "traditional" in his view of women and I wanted a career. I told him he was too much of a misogynist and when he asked what I meant I spelled it out as far as the career stuff. There was no doubt in his mind. I *never* do the "dump and run" crap. I hate it with a PASSION.

~Kate

She's the only person other than my mother to ever tell me I had beautiful eyes.

in this thread its the woman who "dumped and ran"
we all make mistakes, I was a teenager then, and not exactly the most mature one
we all need to learn in life, yes maybe its not the best thing to do but hounding that person for an answer does no good to anybody

I sent her a message in August, and no contact since. The last message I sent before that was in March. Put this into some perspective. I don't think that constitutes hounding.

No, it doesn't. I have sent my ex one email and 2-3 postcards (all very "light" and benign, in the vein of the 'rules' I think it was hale_bopp posted) in a five-month period. I haven't telephoned. It's not 'hounding'. That would be not leaving the other person alone at all, calling all the time, emailing every day, etc. I would be content with *an explanation*. I don't need him to come back to me and in fact I don't WANT it, UNLESS whatever changed his mind is no longer applicable because it wouldn't be REAL otherwise. I don't want someone to pretend to like or love me or to have to TRY to...how pathetic is THAT? BUT, I do want to know WHY, for Pete's sake.

~Kate

No, it wasn't the woman who "dumped and ran" - she did the dumping, but there was no running. She was kind about it. She was kindly vague about the reasons for the break-up, she kindly remained in contact with him for a period of time. She finally blocked the OP when he wouldn't drop the subject of the break-up. I said this a little earlier: I think the OP wanted his ex to help him work through his feelings about the break-up, and to remain in contact until that happened. That pretty much never happens.

OP, what if you were the pursued instead of the pursuer? What if you ended a relationship, ended it as kindly as you knew how to do, and tolerated a fair amount of rehashing from your ex? But what if nothing you told her satisfied her? How willing would you be to continue to entertain her questions about the relationship and the break-up? What if you told her everything you had to tell her - everything there was to tell - and she just didn't buy it? What if she just kept asking the same questions, kept pressing you for answers you didn't have to give? How would you handle the situation? Would you resign yourself to enduring her inquiries forever? Would you accept her stirring up pain from the past whenever the mood struck her? Would you think it was okay for her to interrupt your healing process to communicate random nuggets about your former relationship at any time? And would you be willing to do all that for someone you once dated? Not an ex-wife, not the mother of your children - just someone you had a relationship with. Exactly how much would you expect to sacrifice for someone under those circumstances?

As to whether she "owes" you anything more than she's given you, your question focuses on her moral and ethical obligation to you. To put it simply, there is no court that adjudicates that type of obligation. There is no way to "take a person to task" for failing to provide a "satisfactory" reason for a break-up. So while it absolutely sucks that someone would initiate a break-up without providing a reason, there is no remedy....and sometimes, people don't really know why - they just know the relationship isn't right.

I just realized my mistake there, my bad

You're right there. It's one of those things that many people like us with aspergers tend to learn the hard way in regards to obsession.

I'm sorry, I have to disagree. I have *always* managed to provide a reasonable explanation for not wanting to continue a relationship. Not always one that was agreeable to the other person, not always one that was pain-free, but an explanation. It isn't that hard if you're not a coward. I have *never* had anyone "hound" me for answers because I think it is unethical to *withhold* answers and I behave accordingly. I may not be the best at interpreting and modulating emotions, but facts are something I am damned good with and why you break up with someone is basically a FACT, or maybe two or three or ten. One guy was a "traditionalist" when it came to male/female roles and I'm not tolerant of that so I *said* so. Another guy was interested in dating other people when we were together and I wasn't interested in that kind of relationship at that point in my life, so I said so. I mean, come on. This isn't subtle emotional communication here, you know, the stuff I suck at.

I think it's only reasonable and ethical and mature behavior to address problem issues in a relationship and give the person a CHANCE to work them out if working them out is possible. If it's not, fine, break up, go on your merry ways, but give the other person a SAY, for heaven's sake. This cutting off communication completely without a reason and without the other person having anything to say about it is about the worst thing one can do to another person, short of physical/emotional abuse.

~Kate