Am I good enough for a good man?

Post Reply New Topic

Erisad,

Hugs Sweetie! I am sorry that you are feeling down. Moreover, please allow me to apologize on behalf of the Neanderthal idiots who insulted you from OKCupid - apparently they are not intelligent gentlemen. In actuality, they appear to be missing sensitivity chips and probably lose IQ points (which they can not spare) every time they urinate!

All to often when people tell us bad things about ourselves (even when we know in our heart of hearts it is not valid), it becomes easier to believe the bad stuff. I think this is the self-defeating paradigm that you are stuck in right now!

Please consider accepting a zero tolerance policy when it comes to dating insensitive, verbally abusive men. The very moment they lash out at you - please let them know you will not tolerate it and kick them to the curb. Let it go and, move on (LIGMO!

Hope this helps!

Leslie

i'm with you both on this one. love may have to wait if you decide to work on yourself first, but you will be in a position to truly believe in your own worth. that will mean that you will choose better men too.

it seems like you may believe that changing your circumstances (weight, job, boyfriend) will lead to happiness or contentment, but those things will NOT create any lasting effect inside of you. happiness originates inside of ourselves, and if we are not in a place to really embrace the good things as they happen, then all of the lottery winnings and good men in the world won't matter at all.

our emotions are things that our minds and bodies create for us on the inside in response to events on the outside, but those outside events do not actually create the emotions. ultimately, we DO have control over how satisfied we are with ourselves.

it can take a lot of time and work to get to a point where outside events (or other people) have less control over our happiness...i mean, i have been working at it for many many years and i still have a very long way to go, and sometimes i still have episodes where i am virtually crippled by insecurity. but it's a worthwhile goal because in my moments of improvement i am not rudderless anymore - i steer my own ship, as opposed to being affected so much by outsiders.

We already covered fat . More tidbits of advice, men don't give a toss about your job or your car. Earning less than him is only going to make him feel more manly. Get a minimum wage job if you can as when you find that someone you'll probably need to help buy your first house, housing market being what it is. Although it's not the end of the world if you don't.

Your only other concern should be your personality, you mentioned being a b---h in school, unfortunately that probably hasn't changed. Good (masculine) men are attracted to caring feminine (polar opposite to feminist) women. Really try to analyse your behaviour... are you still a b---h? Are you really that pleasant to be around? Of course being an Aspie does not help, but nothing is unfixable. When you drop the weight and all that pent up anger and frustration from being fat in our toxic society evapourates, you'll find it much easier to be nice (try not to be too smug though).

In high school I was a b***h, in college I was really nice to people because they weren't complete morons. I really am pleasant to be around, when I'm not crying my eyes out.

Feminist rant: And I'm a feminist and he'll have to f*****g deal with it. Why can't I be a good person and a feminist at the same time? I'm not going to chop a guy's balls off if he opens a door for me for f**k's sake. I just think I deserve to earn just as much as men do in the workplace for the same job. Is that so bad? :/

Look at couples in the street. Look for thin men with larger ladies. Now look at woman that have shorter partners.
Conclusion. Lots of men are very happy with larger ladies. Weight is considerably less of an issue then height. You
probably feel that if you have a hard time now, then how is it going to get easier. That is how I feel. But you very young
you a probably making many social mistakes. Five years as an adult isn't enough.

If you are like many woman, you would take a lot of joy from being slim. There is a lot you can do. I believe that your
average woman is bad at dieting. My attitude to losing weight is if you train like an athlete, you might come last in a
race but you possibly look comparable to the other athletes . It take dedication and you have to proitise what is really
important in your life.

If I new that look buff would considerably improve my chances of finding someone. I would look like a Chippendale.
It would be so easy relative to other means. But unfortunately it is vastly more complicated then that. In reality, for dating
to be easy for an aspie male equals either putting up a façade or acquiring money. Unfortunately, because of who damaging
advice from NTs who say it is a bad thing to do, I have left it mostly to late.


Paula is attractive and slim but it is impossible to see a lady the same way who takes a leek in the high street

I highlighted the problem in bold. You're an adult, and thus entitled to make your own decisions. I used to be a lot like you, and wouldn't do anything unless my parents gave me permission, even though I was 20/21 years old! Once you have your independence, and have gotten a job, you need to remember you are your own person, and when it comes down to it only your decision counts. At your current stage I would work on getting a job first, and then work on saving. When I said to consider moving to the city, I don't just mean your closest city. You could move anywhere.

Not being able to drive doesn't mean you need to stay at home. As I've said, if you move somewhere where the public transport is good then you can pretty much rely on that and only occasionally have to fork out for a taxi. However, if your parents are offering to teach you to drive (as in, within a year's time, and not in the far distant future) then I would probably take them up on that first, but I would put pressure on them to hurry up and teach you now. My parents just wouldn't teach me because of my AS, although they taught my brother when he was 17, and even after telling them for several years that AS does not affect ones ability to drive, they still refused to see reason. It's too late for me now (at the moment) because I don't have the time (doing full time uni, living independently, and working singing jobs can really take it out of you) and the money (I live away from home, so I'd have to pay a driving instructor) to learn any more, although I'm hoping at some point in the future an opportunity or time slot will arise.

Yeah, she said driving is next but I don't know how long. I really need to learn how as my state ID expires next month. I would love to get a job if there was anything out there. I earned 50 cents for blogging this past week. That's it. I submitted two articles and that's all I got. I need a real job, otherwise I'll be dependent on my mother forever. I don't know where I would go. Most cities have too much crime and people would murder me or I'd get mugged and lose everything. >.<

I wish I could help you regarding where to go, but as I live in Australia and have never even visited America I wouldn't know. I think at the current point in time just setting your ultimate goal to complete independence and focusing immediately on the small steps you need to take to get there will benefit you a lot more in the long run than focusing on trying to find a partner, or ESPECIALLY on trying to find a partner who can take you away from home to live with him.

You say you're a feminist, so hopefully you'll be with me on this one. Replacing reliance on your parents for reliance on a man (you will be reliant on him, as you will not have learned to be independent) is like replacing one prison cell for another prison cell. People make this mistake all the time, and most (unless you hit the jackpot and end up with a man so amazing you're happy to spend the rest of your life together and he doesn't mind your dependence - dependence is not just a financial thing, it's also an emotion and intellectual thing. It's a daily living thing.) live to regret it.

True. *sigh* I just don't want to have to deal with getting yelled at by my family when I cry anymore. I can't talk to them about anything regarding my views on things or how I feel because they're a bunch of conservative christian sheep that lack empathy for those who are different than them. :/

YES!! !! that was me, in a nutshell. went from dependence on my parents... to a failed attempt at living alone... to living with my husband...

it's only *now* i am learning to be independent - with the help of a therapist.

Independence is what I really want I guess. I got my goals confuzzled. I'll just start trying to get my license and a job and hopefully I'll save enough money to move out. I'll have a mod lock this thread now. >.<

I've sent you a PM re the independence thing. If anyone else would like to read it, feel free to PM me, but i didn't want to post publically as it contains some very personal information.

There's no such thing as a "good man".

Good Luck and keep us posted!

Hugs,
Leslie

To be sure, have you asked anyone how well you come across? (obviously find someone who'll have the decency to tell you the truth).



Aggression is not very feminine btw.



That's not what I said, I said feminine and feminist are polar opposites. Someone who views the world through the feminist lens; where men are the enemy (they're not); where men oppress women (it's pretty far from oppression); where masculinity itself is reviled; will have great difficulty with the kind of relationship you are seeking.



I'm not sure how the wage gap arose (it's been largely discredited) I was only trying to put across in my last post that men do not care for your job, your assets or your salary. Recall that the prince marries Cinderella, not the aggressive cow of a lawyer earning $200k a year.

I could try and deprogram the feminist in you, but I fear it would fall on deaf ears. After you have been around for a while, observed enough men and women and have come to accept your own instincts and feelings, something will click. You'll read and read and read, eventually coming to see feminism in all its glory. That is lies, half-truths and hatred.

At the very least google some articles written by women who regret embracing feminism.

I think that Feminist Hater woman/whatever (The Female Misogynist) is back again.