Picky and alone.

Post Reply New Topic

Is it possible that the activities you do for dates have something to do with it? Do you think a spark might be more likely during some activities than others?

I'm not sure. I try to keep first dates pretty standard, like dinner, coffee or drinks. I've not really thought it was a good idea to do something unusual for the first date. Have you had some positive first dates doing something different?

If everything else fails then just marry the richest suitor.

i think it's possible, but not really the subject of the thread.

my boyfriend and i talked about this. we both consider ourselves picky, and that pickiness led us to each other. but... i think people can be so picky that it completely narrows the chances down to nothing, and i think there may be individual underlying reasons why that happens.

i created a thread once about some friends (some aspies, some not) in real life who didn't seem to be willing to compromise on a basic level in order to really make a relationship successful. it seems like a relationship requires a tug or a pull towards a person and away from the life
already being lived. love seems to be a bit of a destabilising force, and not everyone is willing or able to be destabilised in that way.

for example i had one friend who lived with her sister and was so close to her family that she spent every sunday dinner with her parents and went shopping with her cousins on the weekend. she called her mom every day. she visited the old country every summer. her family was so deeply embedded in her social life and so deeply involved in her calendar that a man had to jump into the situation fully perfect for her and fully willing to give up his life to exist within her circle as-is. there was no room for compromise really. both she and her sister entered their thirties single, without having any serious relationships - even though they were attractive and accomplished. notably, they called themselves "picky". i had a male friend with a similar situation as well, right down to calling family every day.

if the pickin's seem a bit thin, then all of the potential destabilisation maybe doesn't seem worthwhile. it's chalked up to "not feeling it". but really, it seems like it comes down to whether the sacrifices of a relationship with that person is really worth it. and if a person's life is already ok, and none of the people offering seem to be that great, it might seem like too much trouble to be worth it.

How does pickyness lead people to each other?

/

Aspies obviously find it more difficult to change their lives to let another in, especially if they are overly content with their existence. I think the problem also lies in the fact that it is extremely difficult to quantify what benefits being in a relationship can bring and what disadvantages it will create to be able to judge whether or not the net result is positive. I suppose if anything we should be more willing to try and not affraid to bail-out if not happy.

we didn't want anyone else, so we were too picky for other people. if we had been less picky, we could have ended up with other partners.

ok, in a musical chairs sort of way, I get you

Well personally I'm trying to get my financial situation in order before I go on dates. My standard is that I expect certain things out of a partner, but I won't expect out of anyone else what I don't have, which might make me picky in some ways. But I've learned the hard way that you have to kind of be picky, otherwise you'll end up in really awful relationships. Anyways, I have been reading up on dating profiles in the area, to get a sense of what's out there.

One thing I have noticed on women's profiles are suggestions for activities such as tennis, mini-golf, and bowling. To me those activities seem like good ideas because they're focused on having fun, and for me personally it'll probably help to loosen tension and nervousness doing a physical activity. Coffee and conversation is fine and everything, it just seems like there's some pitfalls to that, and us aspies often aren't fans of idle chit-chat anyways(and deep conversation is probably best reserved for future dates). I envision the "spark" you speak of happening in the more active activities than in the coffee and conversation type of date.

So those are my considerations once I do start actively dating. I would say try different dating ideas, chemistry might change just based on that. Conversation can always be had afterwards or on a second date if it goes well.

The one thing I have noticed on women's profiles - the MOST common thing often mentioned there - is WORLD TRAVELLING "Ie. I love to travel a lot, I've been in Paris and Luxembourg before; Rome and London are next on the list" - lol; it's so weird. I mean who doesn't like travelling? yet I don't understand why it's dating-relevant to be always mentioned in detail like this.

This tag certainly fits me at the moment

You'd be surprised. Many people, especially in rural areas are ignorant about the world and don't really care about anything outside of their own area. It is common, but I wouldn't go so far as to take it for granted.

Travelling mentioned in the profile. I would say they are open to guys being a foreigners. They wouldn't mind meeting their man there...

I remember that thread, actually it looks like I was first to respond. Within reason, I think I'm quite open to changing things around in order to make it work with a partner. It depends what sort of things, though. E.g. my last partner was an extrovert who loved to socialise. For the relationship to work, I had to get out and hang out with his friends at bars and beaches etc. a lot more than I was comfortable with. It was too much of a dramatic change for me, but I'm okay with making that change on a smaller scale. I have pretty much learnt from that relationship that extroverts are not likely to be suitable for me. Would you say that's being too picky, or a valid conclusion? I found the whole relationship very draining and that was almost entirely due to his extroversion, not any other unique quality about him.

But with the above example, I wasn't to know that it would be like that. I was just attracted to the guy and keen to see him again after the first date. That's the part I'm struggling to find with most people. Whether I'm willing to change things around to fit a partner into my life doesn't really cross my mind of a first date, it's just about whether I'm attracted to them or not.


The "sacrifices" you mention here, I'm really not sure that I consider those, like I said above. For me it's whether the "sacrifice" of trying to build a relationship with someone I'm not really attracted to is worth it. Maybe if I spent the time, stronger feelings would develop, etc., but perhaps it does seem like "too much trouble to be worth it" as you say.

Being honest, I'm not into traveling. I haven't had a foreign holiday in ten years, which was to Paris for about 5 days although I barely remembering any of it, other than I couldn't speak French, read French or understand French.
I've stated that I want to go abroad on holiday this year, just so I can see a beach and sunshine, but my entire wardrobe is designed for rain, wind, comfort and warmth. That's the UK for ya.

I would find it difficult to go out with a woman who's traveled a lot, since I would feel less intelligent and less cultured, but I would learn a lot and probably enjoy going abroad more often. Hm, not a deal-breaker.

Those things you mention (tennis, mini-gold, bowling) I tend to reserve for second or third dates. Somewhat recently I went to lunch with someone for a first date, then tennis for a second date, and I didn't go back for a third. And I went to a pub for drink for a first, then mini-golf for a second, and didn't go back for a third.

I'll try reversing the order if I get a chance and let you know how it goes!

As for idle chit-chat being an issue on a first date, I actually like to get into deeper conversations asap. I don't see the point of chit-chatting even at the cafe for the first date, partly because we've probably already done that a bit online first. I always try to talk about more interesting things, and if they aren't willing to do that then the date is going to be a bit boring and awkward so I guess a spark is unlikely.

So I'm trying to recall the dates I really liked and what was different about them - I do think that they were with people who were as interested as me in talking about deeper topics (not necessarily personal topics, but things other than movies and sports). Perhaps I should keep in mind that a lot of people feel it is wrong to get into deep topics early on, and see what they have to say on the next date. Not sure this resolves the issue of how to "feel excited" about seeing them again...but it's a start.

Yes, you are; you are getting that "need" for having a stable relationship and ......popping babies awwww - baby yellowtamarins