How do you know if a guy likes you or wants to be friends?

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Sorry. It's been ages since I was in your shoes, one forgets. :/

Oh god he is just soooooo cute. Brown hair, dark blue eyes. Dimples in his cheeks when he smiles. About 5´11 tall. He studied chemisty before and he likes zelda and metroid prime games. (I love Zelda too!!). Last thursday 10 minutes before the rest of group arrived in the classroom he came up to me to tell me how well I spoke my mind last meeting, and how it was beneficial to the group. The other day commented on my clothes, saying: "Hey, I see you're wearing pants today. That's a first, I only remember you wearing short dresses" (not true, I wore pants far more often during our meetings).
I know he is a very attentive, sweet, idealistic, societally aware kind of guy and that he probably doesn't like me. I don't know what to think of him. For all I know he could be gay. But DAMN what a cutie. Two weeks ago he got emotional when he was talking about taking responsibility and letting go.
Tomorrow I'm gonna see him again in class.

Update:
Him: I have no idea what will happen. And I have no idea how things would have panned out if the situation were different. There's no use in wondering.

Me: Except I'm bound to wonder. For all I know you're gay, or you think I'm hideous, or you do like me but have taken some sort of religious oath that stops you.

Him: None of those things. I just don't want a relationship right now.

Translation: he'd be up for a one night stand or a FWB deal but is not wanting a relationship right now. You gotta respect that, he just isn't on the same page as you, that's all.

Next.

I thought it meant he just wanted to be friends. He doesn't strike me as a FWB kind of guy

These were my first thoughts as well.

signs he likes you:

Will talk to you when he casually sees you.
Body Language
Gives you Eye Contact
You can tell he's nervous (girls, this doesn't mean he's creepy, he just wants to say the right things)
Big Sign is that he starts touching you, make a move back if he does this.
Another big sign is to get in a big group and see if he focuses on you.

Signs he's just being nice:
Friendly towards you
He never initiates talking to you, big sign to back off

A test to do is stand by him, see if he initiates a conversation. If he does, there's a chance he's interested.

either way, it's a dud. shame and all that but it happens. Best if you can not to dwell on it, although I know it's really difficult. It took me almost 15 years to let go of a couple of non-relationships. :/

Alycat,

I was excited for your story as I got caught up reading about it. So in my own small way I am very sad to see it unfold this way. I think you handled yourself just fine though, an you have nothing to feel ashamed about.

Sadly, knowing NT guys quite well because I most likely am one... most times the situation will play out a lot like this one did. It's rare to get to know someone that YOU even like romantically, and more rare to meet one of those and ALSO have that person like you back this way. And then on top of those two things the timing also has to line up within a certain margin of error. Otherwise there will seem to always be a handful or so of people in your life that you possibly could click and hit it off with, but they are always stuck on someone when you are free, and vise versa. So even though all this admittedly sounds pretty negative, in my own personal opinion it takes a lot of weight off all our shoulders because if the odds are really poor to begin with, then having it not work out over and over is nothing wrong with YOU, it's just the outcome of some steep odds stacked against all of us.

Two more side notes, then I'm done.

I'm curious whether he handled his end of this fairly and kindly, from your perspective? As has been said once or twice already in this thread, I would be surprised if he truly was up that late talking to someone most every day for that long, AND agreed to hang out at your home to see a movie with you, and yet doesn't have some level of interest. Hopefully it doesn't add to your pain or drag it out to suggest this, but if he's been a decent person about such a so called misunderstanding, then maybe it is worth thinking privately to yourself that perhaps the story isn't quite over. If he says not right now, then obviously it can't get romantic without his consent. But you have had an opportunity to see this guy's true colors in the way that he treated you. If you generally were impressed with his behavior (even though the result for now certainly sucks), then this sort of event can sometimes be a thing that breeds a really good friendship on the other side of it. You've both had a glimpse of each other's true character, and so if you decide to be patient and see what ends up changing over time (if anything), then at the very least you could possibly enjoy that same friendship that you obviously were both happy with at the time.

Last side note, for you and everyone else... I understand the idea of not dating inside your work group, and it also could apply to a church group, or a closer friends group (if you are fortunate enough to have one), or any number of other consistent social environments. I have done it before, multiple times, and it can indeed be frustrating and painful if it goes poorly. It can create strife and divisions in an otherwise peaceful group of associates. Certainly it is not to be done lightly. But in our busy world, with very little tangible social interaction anymore (real life, as it was said earlier), sometimes "work friends" are the only people you ever actually spend time with. And what's more, you get to see a side of them that you would never see if you met someone elsewhere (not to mention... where else IS there to meet people, really? I can't come up with any good ideas). Bottom line, and the short version of what I'm getting at: right now, you know exactly the reason that most people would tell you not to try to have romantic relationships with people you work with. You are now perfectly qualified to make that decision for yourself next time, knowing the risks if it goes poorly. For me, it tends to be worth it... but it's a decision that you are ultimately the only one who needs to be ok with.

For what it's worth, I would personally have taken you up on your invitation to explore another level between you two. I'm sorry he did not, and I am certainly not trying to be suggestive myself... but if you keep being how you were in this case, eventually you will come across someone like me that is open to playing ball. Matter of fact I'm doing it now... with an Aspergirl... which is why I'm even here in the first place keep your chin up, for the world's sake!

Thank you

Thank you for saying this. My self esteem is not the highest, and so I need to keep reminding myself that it isn't a huge character flaw on my part that causes this sort of thing.


Yeah he's been really nice. It's just been a bit confusing because I'd always thought that either a guy would want to date you and would hang out loads or they'd not want to hang out and would say "I don't fancy you" when you asked. He's wanting to hang out and (if I've read it correctly) said that he doesn't not like me, he just doesn't want to date right now.
Oh yeah, we're still talking. I do worry that him knowing I like him will make him feel awkward, but we're still friends, and I hope that continues

Yeah, I don't know where else I'd meet someone. I'm at work or travelling from work seven to seven during the week, and the only guys are usually the sixteen year olds I work with, then at the weekends I'm at the ice rink (where guys are usually married or kids) or at my parents' house. I hate nightclubs and things because they are too noisy. I had thought of doing the online dating thing, but can't really afford it right now. The history with my boss is not my finest hour, but we work together fine without it being awkward.

[quote"sk8r44809"] For what it's worth, I would personally have taken you up on your invitation to explore another level between you two. I'm sorry he did not, and I am certainly not trying to be suggestive myself... but if you keep being how you were in this case, eventually you will come across someone like me that is open to playing ball. Matter of fact I'm doing it now... with an Aspergirl... which is why I'm even here in the first place keep your chin up, for the world's sake![/quote]Aaaw, thank you

Maybe your personality stands out from the rest and that intrigues him... he probably want to get to know you better and don't know how to ask you out in front of people? How would you have asked him out?

Motorboat him and watch his reaction.

What?

"Yeah he's been really nice. It's just been a bit confusing because I'd always thought that either a guy would want to date you and would hang out loads or they'd not want to hang out and would say "I don't fancy you" when you asked. He's wanting to hang out and (if I've read it correctly) said that he doesn't not like me, he just doesn't want to date right now."

Yes... I sympathize very much. My experience is it's just a very vague, wishy-washy world. The really nice thing about both you and the girl that I am hoping to get involved with is that you WOULD just be deliberate and thoughtful either way... and say so if you just didn't like a guy (which you did in your OP about the other friend of yours), or else take an honest shot at developing something romantic if you do fancy a person. You also did that.

Sadly, not everybody does things that way.

And the other problem to just realize about men, or at least some of us, is that the world of women and who we like is not all that clean cut either. Personally, I have been interested in somebody since I was like, 13 I think. It's always been one girl at a time... and you could say I was obsessed for a lot of that time. But the problem with THAT is that I'm obviously going to be attracted to other people in the meantime on some level... and just not want or not feel it's ok to do anything about it. All that is also assuming I'm even self aware enough to realize I like these other girls... which I often don't until it's too late and the girl that actually liked me back has moved on.

So as messy as it can be, I encourage you to do two things:
First of all, as you know, you should try your best to reframe all the negative feelings about yourself.... the fact it hasn't panned out, and maybe never will with this particular guy... does not say anything negative about you as a person. Imagine that the stars have to be lined up just right for something like this situation to be a success... you'd be foolish to expect the stars to be right every single time, but you would also be foolish to stop trying, because the only way to "get lucky" and find a positive outcome is to continue acting out your values and your desires until one of these times the stars WILL be lined up, and it will work.

Secondly, and I'm gonna go out on a limb and risk being offensive here because you seem like you will be the sort of person who might not be offended when I say this: You seem to be doing well here, as long as you can handle being patient and waiting for him to come around. The most likely reason this isn't happening now (in my mind) is that there is some other girl that he liked already... or someone he is still not quite over from his past. The potentially offensive thing is that being patient kind of means waiting on that other girl's influence to run out with him. Most people would think that was demeaning to you... that you were settling for somebody's leftovers. But personally, this seems to be one of those social "rules" that you would be wise to break, if you want to break it. If he is indeed stuck on somebody one way or another, then I sympathize with his predicament as well as yours. I have been there myself, with a fantastic girl on the sidelines watching it all happen, and invariably THAT girl is the one who really did deserve my attention. I am still friends with more than one of those sideline girls... and they have a special place in MY heart that nobody could ever take away. This is a hypothetical of course, but any one of them could potentially have me on their arm very quickly if they wanted to, and it's all because when it was really hard for them to be my friend, they did it anyway.

So given that you still like him and he probably also likes you... I would personally try to balance between getting over him enough that it doesn't still hurt every time you communicate, but also not getting so far over him that you end up despising him on some level. Because if you can keep that balance, odds are that whenever he DOES want a relationship one day, you will be one of the first to come to mind.

PS, isn't Motorboating something you do to a girl?


"What the Hell is a lemon squeeze??"
"It's like a backwards melon bag..."
-Easy A

I wouldn't have the guts to ask him out. And I don't feel he likes. I mean, he doesn't pay THAT much more attention to me. And besides I think he is just a really sweet, empathic person. Last friday he forgot his notebook in class, so I took it home with me. I sent him a message on facebook that he forgot it and that I could bring it to class next monday. All he sent back was: "Hey (name!), if you could bring it with you on monday that would be perfect". Don't you think that if he was truly interested he would have asked more stuff and responded to my message with more feedback? I don't really know what to think about it.