Why women lose the dating game

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Yup. Unless you're just going to drift -- which is not a good idea, especially if you're responsible for making your own way -- it's important to be with someone who not only has plans, goals, a general direction in life, but can see things through. Otherwise his aimlessness just plays havoc with your own life. The two of you decide, okay, you're doing _____, and then five months later, or two years later, as you're doing all the heavy lifting of making this happen, you say hey, a little effort, pls. And he says oh he never really was into it all that much. Or he all of a sudden decides he wants to move 1000 miles away, and you've just got things going well where you are. Bad idea.

Planning doesn't mean you have to be a slave to your work, but it does mean understanding that some things are unavoidable: you'll get sick, you'll get old, you'll need a roof, if you have kids they'll need things. So you think ahead, and think also of the things you want to do while you're on the planet, and you plan so you have a reasonable chance, and so you can handle bumps in the road.

A plan also tells volumes about what you value, and that's an important thing to know.

QFT

My trouble is all my plans got upended. I'm STILL working on a new plan, and I'm fortunate enough to have a supportive wife. She'd actually be thrilled if I gave up private teaching and focused on homeschooling the kids. I just feel that if I'm persistent enough I can do a little bit better for my family than that.

I don't drift. I've never been out of my state. I do the lame responsibly stuff and I am content staying where I am. I stay loyal to my commitments. I finished school even though it was pointless. I help people out when I say I would even though I really don't want to.
I just don't have this master plan of what I want to be doing 20 years from now. or "in 5 years I going be the store manager"

my goal for employment is to find a job any job, that I can do. though I now have to try to find the most high paying job just to appease women. meh. I't probably be best to start out in a part time job where I don't feel dead tired by the end of the day, but meh that won't get me the ability to message women. so told my voc rehab person I want to find full time. I just won't live 5 days a week.

noticed you said he, so its mainly a guy thing which seems to be backed up by dating sites that or the women like that just don't bother with dating or dont use dating sites.

as a poor person who knows other poorish to middle class people. we don't plan ahead as we make it month to month, s**t happens a lot to us. we just deal with it and make it month to month. we save what we can which isn't much. I have a small saving for emergencies.
I don't really have long term wants . i live for now I guess. I want a job and would like a gf in the future. though the 2nd is unlikely so I guess I'll just buy more guns and kill myself at or before 35. they bring me temp happiness. mini christmas every so often. I'd rather have a gf and family but meh. I just a horrible person with no career ambition or long term plan

also i've had to save over a while to get the things I have. so that isn't anything new to me. i think the whole have his life together is just code for be a carreer guy who makes good money or going to in the future.

all I have to look forward to is a awful job that sucks most of my happiness and life away all in the hopes of making some girl see me as ok to consider dating. rather then doing something that makes me happy. I looked at the guys on dating sites and cl and almost non of them list this as a requirement for a woman to have for dating. yet almost all the women list it.

whats so wrong with a guys plan being to just enjoy life find a job and work.

I hate persistent . lot of good that's done me. life been easier if I just give up and not tried. yet I can't stop trying. :'(

hope yours gets you somewhere.

Upended plans are par. Trust me, I didn't plan to be a single mom a thousand miles from home. Nor for that matter did I plan to spend 15 years with science or be a landlord, or survivor of a suicide, or a bunch of other things. The important thing's the impulse to regroup and make a new and realistic plan, and keep moving.

Exactly. And this is in part a reply to sly, as well:

My approach to planning is largely just to at least have one. I'm not convinced that many "plans" actually succeed, but mostly what I've learned to do is reevaluate day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month, year-to-year, and "dream" about where I want to be in 5 years. If I the direction I "picked out" isn't working, I can always make adjustments. I'm not so stuck on a single grandiose goal that if I fail to reach it my who world falls apart. But my whole world WILL fall apart if I don't do SOMETHING.

I too often find that my new plans aren't realistic, and understanding what IS realistic has been a struggle. Even if I never reach my "BIG" goals, it's still satisfying to look back and see what I DID do. I've been trying to do an album release for over a year now. At this point I can't say that it's going to happen this year. The work I've done over the course of a year is still pretty impressive, though, and there's always next year. If I "give up" right now FOR now, all that means is I can spend another 12 months polishing what I have, saving a little extra money to budget for professional mastering, practicing and memorizing my music for the promo tour, and keep writing new material so new projects won't take THIS long.

Persistence DOES pay off. You just have to be flexible and willing to understand that the payoff might not be what you expect. You'll get more return on your persistence if you are grateful for what you DO get rather than what you want. Tarantella mentioned a key word: "Realistic." Balancing realistic goals with your values is tricky, at least for me. Figure out how to do that and you've got that magic formula! You won't even approach that if you don't keep trying.

Fundamentally that's a good plan. Nothing wrong with that. The trouble is it's a plan for a single guy. You're not including anyone else there.

A plan that includes relationships is founded on different values than "just enjoy life." I don't value another person's happiness because I know I can't make anyone happy. I do value working alongside others to help them reach THEIR goals, which often will require me to sacrifice things I want. Sure, I want things in life, but if they never happen for me, I'll be ok. The kinds of things I want for ME aren't all THAT important.

I wonder if your desire for a gf is really inline with your own values or if it's a societal pressure you're feeling. I find I'm happier when I learn to just let go of things that really aren't important to me. If I can't reach a goal, whether it's a material goal or a relational one, or whatever, I ask myself how badly I really want it and how important it REALLY is to me in life. I also ask WHY I'm working so hard for something that seems unattainable. If there's no significant reason, if I don't value those things, and I don't want it THAT bad, I cut it loose from my life. And yes, relationships with specific women have been included in that.

What I've found is that working towards things that really are worth working towards often brought with them those things I gave up on as a matter of consequence. I got those things because it just sort of worked out that way and the opportunity arose despite the fact I was working towards some completely different goal at the time. Forget about the whole gf thing and focus building relationships through the job-search and your interests. Track who you spend the most time with and you may eventually reach a point you have a gf by default!

Nobody wants to hop on a bus unless they have some idea where it's going. It's pretty much that simple.

Once they get on board, they may decide they like the bus, and not care if the destination changes, or if there are some unscheduled side stops.

The bus has to be going somewhere before most people will take a chance and get on. The destination doesn't necessarily matter - just that it has one - it might be a short, leisurely cruise around the city, or even just around the block. But I'm pretty sure no one would board a bus whose schedule announced it would be sitting in the station until further notice.

I don't expect the bus to go where I want to go. I just care that I get in the neighborhood. I'm content with walking the rest of the way if I need to.

Well said, btw.

Agreed!

I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to do the TV/movie cliché thing and show up at the bus station, train station, airport, dock, and say "gimme a ticket for the next bus/train/plane/boat outta here - I don't care where it's going."

The point is, it's *going*.

Well... I can think of one WP member who might!

But jokes aside, yeah, it's a good way to explain it.

I guess I should edit that to say "no one wants to hop on a bus unless they're pretty sure it's capable of leaving the station."

which women here feel it gets harder for them as they get older? I want to hear their input on this

I didn't find it was harder for me to find decent men in my 30s (or even 40s or 50s). Now that I'm pushing 60, if I ever decide to get back on that horse, I suspect that most of the good ones will be either taken, or deceased.

Heh. I just received this in an email from a girlfriend. Rather timely, I think.

OlderLadies

first non of my plans worked out. my plan to join the military nope. no aspies wanted. my plan to be a mechanic, nope not a job for apies.
so here I am after finishing a degree in field I can't do. so no my only plan is to find work and make money. not sure how you plan for a relationship without a girl who going to be part of. relationship plans are made between two people. as what I mean for enjoy life doesn't mean self centered party going. i mean have a gf to love and do stuff with and take life one day at a time. I really dont' need/want much as an individual. how would a plan to find work be plan for a couple. it seems to me that since no woman will date me without a good paying job that a plan to find work is soley for a relationship. i dont get what you saying by that. o.O should i save all my money to buy a house then end up alone no. stuff like saving for houses, family cars, etc are left for when you have a gf to do them with. no one i've ever met spent their lives planing as if they would meet someone and have a family. they worked jobs, bought things they liked, then when they met someone switched to the more family planning.

you can make others happy though. you do nice things they smile bam they happy. funny how that happens daily to millions of people. and whole would be in a relationship unless the other person made them happy. rarely do you hear "she makes me so depressed. boy i love being with her." all you ever hear is about how happy the gf/bf makes the person.

not society. or i'd be waiting til marriage for sex. I want a gf cause I need/want to be held. I want to spend time with her. kiss, hold hands. camp together. I want a companion. i could care less what people think about me for being single. I won't post on fb that I have a gf, I won't show her off to the world. I don't care about that stuff. just the stuff that couples do and only a gf can provide. some people can be fine without companionship. I am not one. I crave it.

I have nothing but time to do both. finding work is a slow process. i just finished a month assestment now I have to wait to hear back from them about an appointment to look for work. I don't see why a guy can look for work and love.
there are no women in my interests. and I won't and can't date women from work.