Seeing all long-term relationships as fundamentally boring

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Though some are unnecessarily boring, whether your partner has set-out intentionally to make it more boring for you or not.

For instance, one will find it harder to get their fix of excitement if all their friends and relationships always turn out to be introverts, and you are ambiverted or extraverted.

Just like homebodies can't get their peace, quiet and solitude with a loud partner dragging them around to go out all the time.

Sometimes opposites DON'T attract.

I have to make all the effort to get friends out of the house as I'm the only one ever interested in it.

As much as I enjoy spending time with them and their 'prescence', sitting around at home is boring as batsh*t.

Perhaps love is stronger, but with family, it's the same deal.

I'm just lucky my family are actually quite 'fun'. My aunt's house at least has multiple balls for sports, the trampoline, pool, etc. otherwise it's just tv and video games inside the house.

And yes the person themselves can be boring if they're directly responsible for the boring situation, e.g. the girlfriend Aspie1 had that forced him to just sit on the couch watching movies with her.

Besides, even if his friends aren't bored in their relationships, as Aspie1 has said, they've abruptly ended their 'party' days to apparently 'settle down' with their new girlfriends, effective immediately.

As much as a serious LTR may take up your time, I doubt his friends are really having no time for doing anything with him anymore, making me think they're actually being controlled by their women a little. He explained one of his friend's girlfriends as being a loud, extraverted, dominant 'hollywood' woman, and described the rest as witty and 'stuck-up' towards him. If anything, they're probably preventing his friends from even seeing him anymore.

I can totally agree with the "controlled" part. That's what I associate LTR's with. The "preventing" part isn't really true, though. Heck, I rang in this New Year with two of those girlfriends. (The group going out had 2 couples and 2 single guys, counting me.) We had such a fun time; I was the most outgoing one of all of us. Of course, that was 10 days after I had sex with an escort, so I was still on a euphoric high. I also attended a brunch party at one of the girlfriends' place recently. I had a good time, although I see a sedate group meal as a Sunday afternoon thing, not a Friday night thing.

Uhu, I see now. I've never been particularly interested in marrying and reproducing and one of the reasons was indeed seeing how many people acted after getting married and having kids.

I married (quite late) a woman with similar views and approach to life. Even now I'm having much more fun and do more interesting and even "silly" things with her than I did when I was young and single. And we also do things by ourselves or with other friends, married people are allowed to do that, you know

Don't "settle" for anything less than you want and think will make you happy. The two-and-a-half-kids-mortage-and-life-in-the-suburbs thing isn't for everybody and as a personal preference I'd rather shoot myself then do it

Do what makes you happy for now and comes naturally and if you'll ever meet a woman that has a similar approach, you'll know it (they might not be that common, but they exist), if not stay away from controlling people and those you find boring, they're really easy to spot. You seem to know pretty well what you enjoy, so go with it and don't worry yourself silly over things that won't happen. It's not like the some crazy controlling woman will show up out of nowhere and force you to marry her.

Then don't get into a relationship I guess, if you are certain a significant other would interfere with those things. But I think the idea is to get with someone that doesn't prevent you from those things. Though a relationship should be a dedicated committed thing...doesn't mean sacrifice your entire life, I think ideally it should feel like sharing your life not 'sacrificing' it.

Well, I have to only show the parts of my personality that will ensure maximum social success with others, as once I start to truly be myself and reveal more of the details, no one is particularly interested anymore, for their own reasons.

I feel no guilt being this way - I'm omitting details of who I am, not lying or deceiving.

I expect most other people have to do no such thing and just always stay true to themselves. Doing this makes it far harder than me to relate to most people, as I may come across as too eccentric or not down-to-earth enough for them.

As said, in friendships I can usually be far more honest, but I'm not always completely, so my connections with them may be shallow and based only on what very little, if any information I reveal. Only my strongest friendships know more of the real me.

In a relationship, I don't want to have to hide myself, but from the very beginning on online dating and such, I'm altering MY methods to appeal to OTHERS, and I believe the opposite rarely happens.

A simple example is how I may type long and expressive, but must type very brief, simplistic messages. And people who type brief, short messages never type longer ones, even if I tell them I'm perfectly comfortable if they do so.

Maybe other people, including N.T.'s, do this as well.

For instance a lot of N.T.'s mention disliking small talk themselves and putting on a polite exterior, yet when I try to change the subject to more unusual or 'deep' topics with most people, they quickly get bored and change the subject back to topics of small talk that don't require much thought. Perhaps they believe if I steer the conversation to a 'deep' topic that they have little knowledge in, they feel that's ONLY what I want to talk about with them, when fact is I'd be just as fine with talking about any 'deep' or 'intellectual' topic from history, to the arts, to philosophy, etc.

But really, am I not just talking about what most if not all of us aspies are just always doing? Just changing ourselves to appeal to this hard to please majority?

Well f*ck me, where are the real, honest and genuine people in this world?

Teen dating sites are riddled with just males taking shirtless pics essentially saying 'Plz msg me and add me' while I put out genuine, expressive (kind of long) messages that truly show who I am and what my values and goals are, something natural and humane, along with a simple pic of me looking happy, and it gets ignored.

It's not my looks; I get plenty of attention for my looks when I only show pictures. I get plenty of Tinder matches as well.

I see the same on all the adult dating sites here as well. People are more mature about it, but it seems the adult dating sites of my location only allow a brief message to describe who you are when searching profiles, so essentially majority are just a preview saying the generic basics 'nice, good guy looking for nice, down-to-earth woman', etc.

Basically doing the same thing I am, but I try to make my messages come across as honest and genuine, but also mentioning my own individual interests, goals and values towards the world, which usually means I require far more details than the short little summary boxes most dating sites permit.

My goodness, this did expand far more long-winded than I thought it would. Ah well, that's what happens when you be real about your thoughts and don't summarize your messages just to appeal with those who have shorter attention spans.

Also, be yourself is said to be 'bad' advice, and 'be your best self' is what I suggest you should do. But, being my best self is what I'm actually doing...

'Be your best self' doesn't correlate with conformity. Quite the contrary; it encourages one to follow their desires to their heart's content, and if these desires may deviate from social norms or dating etiquette, than so be it.

speaking of humans, it is a hard-edged plastic world we live in.

"Then don't get into a relationship I guess, if you are certain a significant other would interfere with those things. But I think the idea is to get with someone that doesn't prevent you from those things. Though a relationship should be a dedicated committed thing...doesn't mean sacrifice your entire life, I think ideally it should feel like sharing your life not 'sacrificing' it."

30 year old women who go on cruises all the time, party at nightclubs and bars nearly every friday night, eat sunday brunches all the time, ride the train to cool events all the time, ballroom dancing every couple of Saturday's?

What Aspie1 is looking for is a VERY fun woman for a 30 year old woman. How many have you met still do all these things?

I've met and heard of some, but most of them are usually the single women who love to go out and have fun with 'the girls' on their 'girl's night outs', not the women actually married or in relationships.

Now, for me, 17 year olds aren't financially independent enough to do super 'adventurous' or 'fun' things - I'm not myself yet, though.

So what 17-20 year old women seem to do is going shopping at the mall, clubbing/bars, big house and block parties, and not much else.

I did meet one really 'adventurous' gal back in high school, though. I had a bit of a crush on her and it was an instant turn-on she sounded so fun. She said in her spare-time she would skateboard, ride bike through the mountain trails, hike, walk hours into town (she lived on the outskirts) with her camera exploring the backstreets alone, discovering new places or sights to take pictures of with her camera, she was a musician who could play multiple instruments and even said she produces some electronic music just like me and has used the same programs or one's her Dad, a programmer/coder, made just for her, her brother is a pop-rock/indie-rock musician, she's an amazing singer, etc. Just typing this makes me miss her...

My ex-girlfriend was pretty fun too. She seemed very willing to try new things or experiences, as all the time we did different things. She liked video games and was very artistic and worked on a variety of different of her so-called 'projects', and she played Hockey. Again, instant turn-on she told me she always wanted to play the Halo games series and actually did a few missions with me...

So, they exist, but they seem few and far between.

I don't know anyone who can afford to go on cruises, and I don't usually keep up on if people eat brunch or not. And I don't know a ton of women...but the ones I do know over 30 are still certainly lively and go out and do things. Not like ballroom dancing per say but concerts for sure and some cool events but those can be kind of pricey so sometimes causual get together with friends can take the place of that(more like a small party than a 'dinner party' mind you). And aside from that being 26 going on 27 I don't imagine I am going to stop going to concerts, buying band merch, going to micro-brewery bars, going on epic camping trips with lots of beer and fire when I turn 30.

Also there is certainly what is typical, but not all women fit the typical...Aspie1's courses of action seem to be find a non typical woman, be unhappy with a typical woman, or not date it seems. Also I wasn't suggesting the 17-20 age range, that's going a bit too young...I meant more like 25-30, like my age group.

It was just a thought though since I am 26 dating a guy who is 31 he's into metal, concerts, going to bars and doing fun activities together...and me and him get along great. So I gathered from that sometimes its good to expand your age range a bit.

I know you haven't been talking about my age range, I've just also been chiming in on what I have to deal with being my age.

Haha, it is far too young, meaning OP will be able to find more 'fun' women easier than I can for a few years now.

At least that's what I'm thinking.

The women he want already seem non-typical, at my age they're practically non-existent.

I think with adulthood comes more freedom and independence, and that is when people start treading a bit more and trying newer things in life.

I don't know why some children or teens think adults are no fun, quite the contrary - when they're not working and worrying about their responsibilities, they can be pretty damn cool.

Plenty know how to work hard, play hard, something some teens might not realize.

All teens like to do is get smashed on alcohol and drugs at parties or ride bike/skateboard.

My 25 year old cousin still parties hard and likes to live a pretty fun life. He's been skydiving, he goes on day-trips with his fiance and son to the big city all the time, they explored a national park together, for new year's they had a big party, started an accidental fire in the yard they had to put out, and for some odd reason found themselves wrestling in the kitchen drunk at 3am.

That's why comparability is important. Usually when people date long enough to cause brain chemicals to release (I bet you thought I forgot) they have found some kind of comparability. They like some of the same things and are both willing to compromise from time to time so the other can have their way. They both have to be willing to, to a certain extent, based on the personalities involved. Sometimes one person is by nature more willing to compromise and more laid back about things and sometimes both are and sometimes neither is. The last one rarely works unless they each have a desire to lead a basically separate life and come together only at certain times like breakfast or bedtime or even summers, but they usually end up seeing each other the second Tuesday of every week.

I'm.going to give a basic run down of the way things can normally go from strangers to ltr OK? So you'll see how it progresses and all the various things that need to work between the two to get to a ltr. Maybe this will make you feel better so you don't think you'll end up not knowing what's going to happen once she moves in.

First there is attraction. Strangers. Something about the other has to interest them enough and/or be pleasing enough so that they want to meet them. Many times its looks, especially approaching strangers. You like their look and they like yours. There may not be the same level of initial interest but as long as it's enough to speak the first time and open the door it's fine. It can and does grow sometimes. Sometimes it fades. The person's personality usually has a lot to do with that. You find that out on...

The first date, or what passes for it. This isn't always a date but its the first time you spend together after the initial meeting and shownof interest. It could be a real date, dinner and a movie or it could be talking to the at a party you both attended, or hanging out and doing whatever you do with mutual friends if you met through them. It doesn't have to be a traditional date out together. That's too much pressure for some. But it's the first longer interaction you have where you see if you like spending time together and the attraction is still there. So then you...

Get to know each other. Usually people date or hang out for a while. A few months is usually the shortest here. You go out and do things, you hang out together and slowly you start just hanging out on regular nights that aren't date nights. This is where you find out whether or not you are compatible. You either like each other more and do more together and get more and more comfortable with each other or one of you bails. By this time you usually..

Make it FB official. Or whatever. But you talk or hint or whatever works for you and you agree to only see each other. By now you know their likes and dislikes and hobbies and interests etc. This is usually where people first speak about the effects of the brain chemicals that have been slowly releasing over the getting to know you period. Most folks are really happy and its all perfect right now, even if it's far from perfect. You start spending more down time together and some spend the nights together very often now and just hang at the house and do regular stuff along with dates. Most are still joined at the hip during this and it's all together s**t right now. Both have been on their best behavior pretty much but now they start relaxing. She may not wear makeup or just lay around in sweat some nights. He may not shave and may be messy and not clean up after himself as much. That's just stereotype s**t but it happens. It varies for everybody. But around this time you fart in front of each other or whatever really relaxed and comfortable with equivilant suits you. It's different for everybody. Because after the fart stage you...

Move in together (some don't and get engaged instead if they don't want to live together first). And now we see if you can make it in the big leagues. At first it's not that different but you start missing a little time of your own. You go out from.time.to time with friends separately or you take up a solo hobby or get back into one. You start spedning some.time away occasionally. And you also have to see how compromise works. Some talk it out and decide everything first and others play it by ear. By this time the chemicals are all over the goddamn place or they are backing off and it will end. But if it doesn't you male decisions and talk about each person's ideas of what it should be like AMD what you want. You find your way and your pattern. This is where people compromise. I'll go to your mother's with younif yoingo to Hooters with me. Or I'll go to Hooters and you go to yout mothers or whatever. Trial and error about what works. And then....

This keeps going on but your settled. Your comfortable with each other, a part of each other's life, you have your own way of doing things, and when you think of home the other one is there. Sometimes it lasts forever and sometimes it doesn't. But you can't know until you get there.

There are plenty of chances to find out about each other and to back off. It's slow and you keep seeing each other because you are pleased with what you discover. Not everything but most things. So you know each other and have willingly and purposefully gotten here. And it's your (plural) life lived your (plural) way.

So you won't get blindsided. It's not like buying a car. It's like building a car and you can stop at any time and tear that motor down and put in the big block instead. Maybe see how you like a rice boy. Maybe just forget it and build a bike instead. In other words you are in it from the ground up and you only move forward with it if you are satisfied.

Yeah, I think this is where some people really missed the mark. I didn't like hearing/reading how "loving" my SO will make me enjoy a boring life, full of sleep-inducing dinner parties and movies on the couch. Which essentially mean I have to sacrifice everything I love for "love". (See what I did there?) Especially after my own family told me to "forget about my interests" upon entering a relationship, because once I'm in it, only "feelings" will matter. Thankfully, OliveOilMom did a good job of restating it in a more rational way and especially giving me an "escape clause" in an LTR. Although with that said, words like "settled" and "official" are still giving me micro-panic attacks. Because even if an "escape clause" exists, it's cumbersome to enforce.

If what you're saying is true, then my chemicals must be out of whack! Because intimate or sexual contact---unless with escorts---doesn't light up my oxytocin channels. It only gives me feelings of confusion, anxiety, and even depression. What does make the channels burn bright are playful physical affections from girls/women I just met: side hugs, hand grabs, touches on the arm, dancing slightly too close, etc. It makes me feel flattered and desired, even if those things are used to show respect, rather than interest. And of course, escort sex; I feel like I'm walking on sunshine (whoa-oh) afterwards. The downside is that I'm totally useless for the rest of the day , but that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Another problem is my friends went with their respective girlfriends from "hi, how are you" to "you and me together 4eva" [sic] in a very short time: just 2 months or less. Which makes it seem like they did it out of social pressure and/or conformity. I gave them plenty of warnings about how unpleasant LTR's can be. (Before they met their girlfriends; I keep quiet now.) I also remember them saying how they want to have a life partner. While the only partner I'm interested in having is a dance partner. (And a sex partner, of course.) Perhaps all this is what's adding a lot of fuel to the fire I call "seeing all long-term relationships as fundamentally boring".

Another thing: while the Hollywood girl still looks down on me a little, although less so than before, the New Orleans girl seems to respect me as an almost-equal now, and learned to get my jokes. Maybe she subconsciously attributes my quirks to me being a different race, and doesn't put as much meaning into them as the Hollywood girl. It happened after we all celebrated New Year together. I'm guessing she was thrown off by my "super-fun party animal" persona---she admitted to me that I came off as shy at first---despite being nothing like that in her relationship with my friend (who's actually more introverted than me, even though he's NT). Of course, she's none the wiser to the fact that an escort made me act that way, but still.

Hmm...it's entirely possible to enter an LTR with a woman confident and spontaneous enough to give you that fix you desire.

Getting to know someone and falling in love doesn't necessarily have to be some slow, steady process.

It's hard to explain what I am trying to say, but, let's say you are a part of a club or group that frequently means you meet new people.

So perhaps, you start befriending a new group of friends and some of them are women.

Maybe one who develops an attraction to you might instantaneously express her feelings towards you in the way you describe - a flirty and fun gal she would be.

Unfortunately, they also seem to be few and far between, so most women if you were to get an LTR out of them are a bit less playful about it all.

Just like that 'two kinds of love' forum, this goes back to wanting that spontaneous, erratic kind of love most akin to teens and youth.

You can fall in love by meeting new people and slowly getting to know people, or you could meet some woman on some European tour circuit, decide to travel together having a casual fling and fwb, before slowly and over-time falling in love mutually.

If you are satisfied Aspie1 with casual flings and fwbs, than so be it.

But I've observed, if you actually wanted an LTR, the actual way you want to fall in love would have to start casually with some flirty, flingy woman.

Good bloody luck, that's just so rare....

The only movie example I can think of where something like that happens is Kangaroo Jack. One of the main guys meets another woman during his Australian travels and they have a flingy, casual thing before it develops further.

Starting an LTR can be gone about multiple ways - starting it from scratch with a stranger you've been on just a few dates on, a friend you've known for quite a while and developed a mutual attraction to, and then there's starting one fro an FWB.

The problem is each method has its drawbacks, the FWB one being only one person usually ever develops feelings for the other, and a lot of people prefer monogamy over fwbs.

Aspie1 - that line from your Grandmother is obviously hugely important to you. Did she say it at an impressionable time? Was what she said something that confirmed your own suspicions/worries, perhaps from parental example?

Because, obviously, no-one's Grandmother is the authority on how a relationship goes. With all due respect to her (and to all Grandmother's), what she said about anything is not what you have to think, or how you have to live.

Even interpreted as 'shared interests aren't going to hold a relationship together. Feelings will' (which I'm assuming is what she meant), I'd still disagree. Feelings are necessary but not sufficient. I have shared interests with Mrs Hopper, and we each have our own interests, which we leave each other free to pursue, offering support where necessary. I think it's an odd relationship where this doesn't happen, allowing for the initial 'honeymoon' phase of joined-at-the-hip besottedness.

Of all the things you'll have heard and seen about relationships, all the various examples in people you've known and in books and films etc, her remark is the one you keep coming back to. It ought not to have the hold over you it does, and it might be worth considering why it does, as it might help you get free of it.

Similarly your attitude to feelings and love in romantic relationships. A very distanced, disdainful one. Yet you doubtless love much in your life, and many people in your life. And this thread is shot through with feelings; from the first post alone we have 'boring, tedious, fun, child-like' and so on. So to my mind, there is something here, some 'block', when it comes to relating to a romantic partner, to having feelings for and about them, to loving them.

To be blunt: it's all in your head. That there are abysmal, tedious, soul-destroying long-term relationships out there is a fact, but that fact has little if anything to do with your feelings about LTRs. I say this because there are wonderous, adventurous, evolving and soul-enriching long-term relationships out there. This is also a fact. But because of your prejudices, it's a fact you cannot process, cannot bring into your worldview - at best you might say that the people in those relationships were only pretending to be happy.

Your feelings about LTRs come first. Something that reinforces those feelings is accepted as 'fuel to the fire'. Something that contradicts them is dismissed or ignored.

You've told us repeatedly: it's an association, a reflex. Someone says 'long-term relationship', and it sounds like you go into fight-or-flight mode, so scared are you of being bored. This makes it very hard for you to consider the matter from a sober, calm perspective.

I think one thing to consider here is: why is boredom so scary, so painful to you? That is, what might happen if you get bored? Boredom is generally undesirable, sure, but you sound positively phobic about it. One of the chains here is: Boredom must be avoided. LTRs are boring. Therefore, LTRs must be avoided. As such, considering why you are so panicked about being bored might allow a little nuance here.

Another is, why do you react with disdain toward love and feelings within the context of a romantic relationship when you don't seem to elsewhere?

You assume your friends have fallen into LTRs due to social pressure - maybe it's something they've wanted for a while, but it was social/group pressure that kept them from it? You say you were the one warning them off LTRs, presumably because you were the only one of the group who'd had one. So, maybe they already did the swinging bachelor thing you seem to have come late to and are presently enjoying, and just got bored with it?

Let me try an analogy. I would not engage a white-supremacist by pointing out the many great things non-white individuals have done, all the wonderful non-white people I've known. The supremacist would doubtless have a way of dealing with that, and it only reinforces the notion that, while some non-white individuals can do great things, overall whites are still supreme. Though they might put forward arguments or facts, the white-supremacist is not so because of a considered, reasoned process or understanding. They are so due to certain emotional associations. So, were I to engage, I would try to find out why and when and where and how those associations had been forged.

Emotions, feelings, sentiments - these are alogical, not illogical. They can be affected and changed through reflection and analysis, or through experiences that bring an overriding counter-emotion. So when you say:

it makes me want to ask: what if this happened, and you were glad to do it? What if there was someone who flipped your life around, your perspective back-to-front? Someone who spending ten minutes with made all your present joys pale in comparison? How do you feel right now, about that possibility?

I'm guessing terrified.

I certainly did not suggest and don't agree that 'loving' your SO would make you enjoy a boring life full of sleep inducing dinner parties and movies on the couch. So I understand that perfectly what I said is getting with someone with similar lifestyle to you...a female who'd also be bored to tears by sleep inducing dinner parties and movies on the couch as the only activity. That way you don't have to suffer that boring life.

I don't see why you'd have to sacrifice everything you love for love? I say whoever has told you that is wrong. My boyfriend loves me and I love him back...he certainly didn't have to sacrifice everything he loves for me, and I certainly would not have expected it, but yeah we have similar interests if we didn't I don't think it would work out.

Also family and relatives aren't right about everything, though feelings in a relationship do matter...interests are still important. As for escape clause you don't particularly need a clause....you have the right to leave a relationship whenever you want, though typically the earlier the better if things start going down hill.

Ah that makes sense, and as a rule it does seem females in that age group largely do fit your description. I just remember I wasn't much like that, but of course I didn't particularly fit in with females my age ever. But yeah it doesn't just turn boring once you're past 21, people still do have fun....some people do want to jump into 'settling down' and having a 'normal suburban life' or whatever and become all dutiful very early on but that is not everyone...certainly not the kind of people I hang around.

If a significant other like that waltzed into my life and tried to change everything on me unilaterally, I'd dump her on the spot, then drive over to my city's police station, and file a restraining order, without a trace of a guilty conscience. All my leveraging my "fear of violent reconciliation". I did it before; I will do it again. (Although it was against a female friend who was mistreating me, not a romantic partner who wanted to change me.) The police in US cities may be scumbags, but they're also easy to manipulate; you just gotta know how. Which I do, depending on why I'm dealing with them.