Is my girlfriend too much about money?

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First off they are not married nor living together, I don't see why he has to pay for all her stuff. Even if he wanted to, he said that she is not being very clear about what her problems are and stuff like that. Smells fishy perhaps.
The thing that disturbed me the most was the "real man" thing, wow that's so f'd up and sexist man. So if I don't pay my gf's stuff and things like that what am I, a child? Seriosuly, stop with this "real man" thing it's so ret*d.

Oh and you might not be familiar with this other thread started by the OP. viewtopic.php?t=329118

Don't need to discuss much, just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free!

Last edited by nurseangela on 30 Sep 2016, 1:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

"ret*d"??? Seriously? You don't have to like what I say, but you can leave your ableist attitudes off this forum.

I never said he WAS compelled to pay for her stuff. Depending on how much he cares about this girl and how much he wants her in his life, it might be useful to help her cut off her financial ties to her exes. The borrower is slave to the lender. It's generally a bad idea to stay with someone if someone else has some kind of control over them. Buy them off and be done with it.

I also clearly said that it might not even be in his best interest to help her at their level of commitment (unmarried) because of that and because she might prefer living the lifestyle of a slave. I don't think he should be in any kind of relationship with her, which I have also plainly said.

You should be aware that white supremacist, ableist websites are out there in abundance. If bullying us "ret*ds" is what does it for you, I suggest checking out one of their forums. You might feel more at home there than you ever would here with us "ret*ds."

So very typical, you know that I am right and you are acting as if I called someone a ret*d, which I didn't. I said that the concept of "real man" who just gives out money like that is sexist ret*d, and I repeat it. If anyone here disagrees with it please tell me or report me, if you want. So much for gender equality, lol.

I think if he cares for her he shouldn't spoil her by just paying her debts and stuff like this, especially since she was not clear about her financial situation (OP said it, if I am not mistaken) and recently confessed her that she cheated on him after they started dating.

Also what's with white supremacy and slaves now, lol? Are you just saying random words?

I'm not the one casually throwing around the word "ret*d" on an autism website. Just sayin'...

Anyway, I don't suggest spoiling anyone. I don't like it when people buy big stuff for me because it keeps me from seeing my own financial situation as it really is. Mom bought us a new washing machine after ours died. I was prepared to give it another two weeks and another paycheck before pulling from the emergency fund. We need to stay aware of what we're realistically able to do on our own, and people bailing us out does more harm than good. But, of course, I've learned it's best to say thank you and let it go.

There's a fine line between being nice to someone and enabling bad behavior. And I am, too, concerned that the OP would end up just being an enabler. If they were to get married, it would be in his best interests to settle her debts ASAP. If I were in his position, I'd want to see a dramatic change going forward, i.e. trying to settle her debts on her own and most certainly not accumulating any more debt.

And that's only a part of the issues I have with this relationship. I would have ended that relationship a long time ago based on what the OP has disclosed to us.

If a girlfriend doesn't pay me on break up then she is not a real woman.

/alternative world.

Well I am on this site too and it doesn't bother me at all if someone calls something stupid ret*d. If someone takes offense I'm sorry, I guess.

Yes but this girl doesn't seem to be like you.

Yes but if he does she'd think that she must not worry and her boyfriend will always pay, not sure. Or maybe she'd think that talking about selling the ring was an effective way of convincing him, or that the cheating thing was not so important because now he is paying her debts (but I don't know how long ago she told him about it).
I wonder if the guy she owes money to is the same she cheated on the OP with, in that cause I doubt anyone would have the nerve to give him money for her.

Yes she is kind of weird.

Okay thanks for the input.


Well tonight when I came home she was waiting there for me in her car. She was crying and said that she would never sell the ring, and that it means a lot her. She could never do it she says. She says the reason why she has been behaving this way, is cause she feel so bad about having lost so much money, and feels such a shame of herself, that she has been treating me this way, and saying this like she wanted to sell the ring in order to push me away, cause she felt a shamed, like she wasn't good enough for me.
But she says that she is not this kind of person and she would never sell the ring, cause she loves me too much, and i mean everything to her.

She also says I do not have to pay any bills and she is sorry for making me think i have, to but i don't. she said that in order to prove to me, how much i mean to her, she is going to pay me back the money for the dentist before, cause she feel guilty and that i deserve much better.
What do you think of this now? This is a total change, and she was crying completely. And I didn't even have a chance much to talk to her today, so I never brought up anything about breaking up or anything, so what's with this total change?

She also payed me back 200 dollars, saying that she understands how she has been relying on me for money too much and pressuring me, and she wants to make up for it and pay me back she said. She didn't say this in a turned off way, she seems willling to pay me back, and gave me money. This is confusing to me now. Is she manipulating me or does she really care and want to make up since she actually payed me back some, which I find very surprising.

What do you think?

https://www.amazon.com/s?url=search-ali ... t+leave+me

(just look at the covers / titles and you'll know what i mean)


possibly both

she has a personality disorder. that endless drama will always be endless. if you're okay with it, good for you. but... really take a good look at it and ask yourself if you're okay with it. it's never going to be a stable relationship. never

So basically even though she told me that she could never sell the ring and that it means too much to her cause she loves me, and now that she wanted to pay me back the money to prove herself (even though I didn't ask her to), it all means nothing and it's all trickery from her, no matter how hard she tries to prove herself...

You are the only one who can know if she is sincere or not. It's normal for people to be ashamed of debts and spending problems. The task for her is to truly turn over a new leaf and change her behavior, which isn't easy for people who have developed habits over time. Some people spend too much because they think it makes them happy or to relieve depression.

Indeed. And to be perfectly clear, I don't think debt is necessarily a deal breaker. It's the whole mindset that bothers me. I want to know why you got in debt, what you're doing to fix it, and how you feel about it overall. Is this recurring behavior? Or did your insurance company drop you the instant they heard you were in the hospital? My situation dramatically changed the instant I DEMANDED we keep no less than $1k cash on hand for emergencies and never spend a single dime on non-essentials until we made the money back after spending it. Ideally I'd like to have about $30k (roughly more than a year's worth of regular expenses) in a money market in the event something goes wrong at work.

I'd rather date a woman with a paid-for $3k junker than a girl riding in a brand-new luxury sedan or SUV she'll be paying on for some 10 years or so. A good rule to remember regarding wealth and debt: Rich people ask "how much?" and pay cash. Poor people ask "how much down, what's the monthly payment?" If you wanna be rich, do what rich people do.

What if I told her in order to see if she has really changed, that she cannot bring up money problems with me again, and that I will give her a year to see if she changed. Do you think if she is serious, she will be okay with me telling her that? If she was serious?

That's a bit extreme. If a woman was like you can't bring up ___ again for a whole year, I'd be like ok guess I'm out. Really not a fan of ultimatums. problems happen wouldn't you prefer she talked about them? Not saying always or ever help her with money but you could help her with planning and strategy to solve them. Part of being in a relationship I think(never had one) is being there for each other and talking about each's problems and offering emotional support.

unless there's a really good reason for it (something really out of your control, like severe ptsd or something), taboos should be avoided in a long-term intimate relationship

Ah yes, the old "what if?" game. What if an asteroid falls from the sky tomorrow and wipes humanity from the universe...

Here's the thing-- You're talking about trying to change her. Maybe not you changing her, but sending an ultimatum that she change, "or else." Whether you force/coerce someone to change for you or they willingly decide to change, at the end of the day you are still unsatisfied with the person she is.

The reality is people don't just change like that. We are who we are and will always be that. If she has to change for you, then you don't really love her. You love what you think you could mold and shape her into. I've been in a relationship where my girl was young, innocent, and impressionable. It was a lot like parenting a well-behaved middle-school kid even though we were both in college. Your girl is nothing like that and certainly not the type willing to let you take complete control over her life.

Not that she should be... I'm just saying for the kind of outcome you want, you would have to be in total control. She's not willing to go there with you. If she were willing, you wouldn't be here asking us about it. And it might even be cruel of you to ask her to change that much in any given time frame.

Pull the plug on this NOW. This relationship is toxic anyway you look at it. Find a sweet, younger girl who loves you and doesn't carry so much baggage. Or a mature woman who will take care of you without injecting so much drama into the relationship. There's nothing but disaster at the end of your current situation. Cut her loose, Bruce.