imhere wrote:
To the poster who mentioned being more distant to people you are closer too, that hit home to me because if you've read anything I've said, my aspie friend very specifically became cold and distant the closer we became. Well that made me feel like he was farther away even though I felt like we were (or should have been) getting closer because there were other signs of getting closer too. Maybe he felt like you do. The good thing in your case is that you recognize this. That would allow you to act upon it so the people you are close to understand how you really feel rather than sit there feeling hated like I do (and I still feel hated, because there is no way for me know if my aspie friend actually got distant for this same reason or not). That would go a long way to helping those in your life to understand, and maybe they would even make you feel more comfortable such that you didn't have to be so distant. That's what I would attempt to do anyway.
AnnGables, I had very similar experiences to you with the art showing and your aspie friend not acknowledging it by giving you well wishes. When our time of working together was coming to an end (he was moving on to another job soon), I expected at least some sort of goodbye and well wishes to take place. That would be typical in the environment, when someone leaves and you worked closely with them, and in particular became close friends with them, you would expect that upon the departure time, there would be a moment of "hey thanks for all you did, I learned a lot from you, I've enjoyed our time together, you meant a lot to me, good luck going forward, I'll miss you..." anything, something like that. I know I had a lot of things to say to him like this and I really wanted that opportunity to express how I felt sad he was leaving but at the same time happy for the new opportunities ahead for him, and a lot of other things to express my caring for him. But on his last day, he just walked out like any other day. No words, no goodbyes, nothing. I expressed to him electronically that it bothered me. He was kind about it at first, and said he would always be my friend. I followed up later because he didn't really say too much beyond that, and he got angry and said mean things, like how I was bothering him about his leaving. Total 180. There were two more opportunities to have that moment of goodbyes, the first was a group thing and he still did/said nothing. The next opportunity was when I specifically invited him out for the purposes of saying goodbye, which he rejected, calling it inappropriate (I was his superior in the work environment) and saying some other mean things. I replied back to him with kind words, said all I wanted to say about how he meant a lot to me and gave well wishes, but I did not hear back from him, still haven't after 2 months.
The significant thing about my aspie friend is that I do not think he's come to terms or understanding about what being an aspie means and how that affects his relationships with others yet. I don't think he has that insight into his own self yet. I think that makes it impossible for him to recognize things like why a goodbye would be appropriate and expected and meaningful to others or that he perhaps withdrew from me because he felt our relationship changing from professional to personal. If he does not understand these things himself, then how can he possibly reciprocate anything? He can't. And I'm sad because I think he's gone forever, and one day maybe he will realize that perhaps I did mean a lot to him, and then what? That realization and self awareness might not come for years and I think the likelihood of an aspie trying to reconnect with someone after that long of a time is slim to none.
Another situation arose when he nominated me for an award (this was a few months before he left the work environment). When I was notified of this, I approached him to thank him and to tell him how much it meant that he thought highly of me. His response was to tell me that his nomination came at the prompting of someone else! Pop my happy bubble! Tinkle on my rainbow! So let's break this down....this other person recognized how close we were and how much of an impact we had on each other but he did not. He made the nomination because someone else conveyed to him that it seemed appropriate to do so, so he did it as a matter of a socially expected norm that was told to him directly, not because he recognized it would be a nice thing to do or something he even wanted to do. In the case of the missing goodbye sentiments, no one told him that would be a socially expected norm so he didn't know and didn't do anything, he just went away.
Honestly, no matter how you slice it, it still hurts. Really badly. And I miss him. He does not seem to be at a stage to be open to understanding these things. That is probably the problem here--the lack of recognizing his own differences as being different. I can see it on my side, but that doesn't help anything if it's one-sided. Understanding that he has trouble with these things does not take away the hurt.
And I have not contacted him since either because he has consistently made me feel like my communications were unwelcome, like everything I said made him "uncomfortable", and that I was "bothering him". If that is what he feels about contact with me, then I certainly don't want that. It hurts int he first place, but even more to think that maybe that discomfort is a result of actually feeling too close! The thought of that seems absolutely absurd in the NT world, but in the aspie world, that just might be the case. I'm still in a position of being pushed away no matter what.
Imhere, I'm sorry for your experience with your Aspie friend. I can't take your friend's behavior point-by-point and address it only because I wouldn't personally behave exactly the same way as your friend. However, if your friend is anything like me, I think he *is* pushing you away, but (and this is really frustrating) while not *wanting* to do so. The problem is, he is pushing you away on purpose, not by accident, but I think for us Aspies its a combination of a lot of factors.
I think perhaps the biggest driving factor in driving people away who mean something to us is a compulsive behavior we have. I cannot exaggerate enough when I say that we have experienced an incredible level of rejection in our lives. We have had NT's (and probably Aspies) make promises that they will "be there" or will "help" or "always be friends" only to have those promises broken. And I think that Aspies interpret those promises more linearly, like they are always there in the space-time continuum until that person dies. Whereas the NT probably meant it in a more nuanced way that I wouldn't even be able to express because I don't have nuanced thinking.
However, Aspies doing always drive people away, and so I myself haven't always done that. But I think the other challenge for Aspies is the view of things in linear terms like I mentioned above. I think this part is a bit ironic, if you think about it. So, as an example, if we say we are somebody's friend, we are stating that as a fact to that person and we will remain their friend until we tell them we are no longer their friend. And for us, since we don't have a lot of friends, that might take a lot before we break off the friendship.
However, if that friend is an NT, they might require acknowledgment of that friendship on a regular basis. This includes phone calls "just to talk" (I don't think I've ever called somebody "just to talk" in my entire life except my wife because I knew that was necessary to keep up that relationship), gifts, etc. And I think the reason for that, from an NT perspective, is that Its know promises of friendship can be nuanced, and so constant reminders that the friendship exists are still needed. Whereas, the Aspie's promise of friendship was more absolute and lasting, and without the need for the Aspie to get acknowledgement of the friendship.
Related to that linear thinking of the Aspie is their inability to show empathy on smaller things. Here's a good example. A person at the school I attend had her place broken into and a lot of stuff stolen. The worst thing was she had her laptop stolen which she needed for school. Without renter's insurance, she was screwed. The ironic part was I was the one who was most empathetic in terms of talking about what happened, and expressing sympathy (along with an NT person sitting next to me). Since I have more computer stuff and any one person should, I offered to let her borrow my MacBook Pro for the remainder of the semester. The NT person sitting next to me talked to me in a separate conversation and suggested that the entire class should get together and pool some money together to buy this person a new chrome book. So basically, the NT come up with a better idea than I did that will result in a much longer term solution for the person who had her stuff stolen. In other words, while I tried, the NT came up with a better idea. Also, this lady would be more likely to accept a new Chromebook from the class than to borrow my personal computer because she might misunderstand my motives or think there were "strings attached" or maybe just be uncomfortable because she's afraid I'm being over generous and that I'll be inconvenienced. So I meant well, but the NT person actually had more empathy because his idea addressed her emotional/social needs better and was also a better solution.
I'm glad that my above example resulted in the person getting a new computer. If it hadn't been for me sympathizing with this lady and talking to her in detail about the theft, she might not have gotten her new computer. But I can't express to you how much it hurts that I can't come up with these ideas on my own and better meet the needs of people because I WANT to. So Aspies generally want to help, but they may not know how to. Now just to give a silly example, if something more OBVIOUS happened like (heaven forbid) this lady was shot, I'd put pressure on the wound and provide her with reassurance. I'd probably handle the situation as well as any NT who had a bit of medical training. So, we have trouble with nuanced, creative thinking that holistically addresses the needs of the person we are trying to help (assuming we even recognize the nuanced need of the NT person in the first place).
01 Oct 2017, 11:12 pm
