What is the hardest thing for you when it comes to dating?

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Would have replied much sooner but keep getting 520/524 cloudflare error. I tried to visit WP like 3 times yesterday and got the errors every time so just gave up till today.

Exactly this. Great post, was wanting to say this but have a hard time explaining.

Basically, there being zero signs of interest and very little to no rapport means I am extremely disinclined to try and ask them out. I may try to make conversation but if indicators never change for the better it leads me to conclude we're incompatible.


I hope most don't. It's a toxic book IMO that will feed into guys "needing" PUA should all women adopt it. It itself is basically women's equivalent of PUA since they essentially are saying "do this stuff and get better quality guys". Which would make guys' behaviour less trustworthy and lead to people relying on further mind games trying for an advantage.

Exactly this. Great post, was wanting to say this but have a hard time explaining.

This ignores the actual state of the guy I am speaking of. Available and looking.

Though in some situations one can say someone who isn't available and isn't looking is also rejecting only they are rejecting everyone except perhaps their spouse.

Grand Inquisitor's post didn't necessarily mean a guy who is in fact not looking, just one who is not so "in-your-face" about it and not flaunting that he is available to everyone in the room. He would be looking in a sort of passive sense, waiting to observe cases where there is a reasonable chance of success. An "in-your-face" guy on the other hand will hit on every woman at the bar and will ignore you if your behaviours signal disinterest. The default case for everyone except the most exceptional men is that there is not a reasonable chance of success unless factors do indicate otherwise. The default case is that there is a very low chance of success, I can definitely say this is less than 1/100 guys being considered both dating material & also compatible for almost all women.

My feeling (though it may just be an Aspergers quirk) is that working under the assumption that there are zero indicators of chances of success randomly asking every woman out might fall under futile actions, perhaps like going door to door in an effort to convince people that I should be the next President of the United States. The odds of becoming POTUS are statistically less than 1/300,000,000 and for myself any potential indicators beyond that will be negative as being "autistic" will definitely mean reduced chances of success given that anything on the autism spectrum is highly stigmatized. It's hard for me to word well but I resent have to act without factual reasons and without accounting for situational factors.

Please note the below as a correction to my previous post. SSJ4_PrestonGarvey was not properly quoted.

Looking in looking whether or not one is discrete about it.

The hardest thing for me is to believe that I am enough and he is with me because he wants to be with ME and not because he's got no other options.

That's a really good point. I've been on hundreds of dates. But when I was in my early 20s, I I had no clue how to consistently make it clear that I was romantically interested. I'd hang out with girls but it'd just be as friends.

There some comments you can make that communicate that you find someone attractive but are not too explicit to say to someone you've only recently met. Here are a few examples in increasing intensity:

1. You're quite fashionable
2. Wow, you're very well put together.
3. You're cute
4. You're adorable.
5. That's hot (in response to something they say about themselves)
6. You're hot
7. I feel the chemistry in the air (either in response to something they say that you like or just out of the blue).
Immediately change the subject after making one of these statements. You only need to say a few of these peppered evenly . throughout an hour long conversation, don't overdo it.

Also , keep in mind that none of these things are sexual. Even hot is relatively benign and you'll notice that girls who are friends will say it to each other.

One thing I've found is you should just drop these statements in a regular friendly conversation. You can really say it in the midst of a normal convo as a nonsequitor and quickly change the subject back to a friendly topic. This communicates your interest without making it awkward because you quickly change the subject back to the normal conversation so the girl or guy doesn't need to respond or directly address the statement you made. If they don't feel the same way about you, they'll be able to gracefully cut the conversation/relationship off before it becomes an awkward situation where one person thinks its going somewhere and the other doesn't have any interest.

I know this sounds weird but it's the way that NTs communicate interest without needing to have explicitly reject someone. Also this demonstrates subtlety and social acuity which is something that we aspies often lack.

Then just say, "let's go on a date" or "i'd like to take you on a romantic date to the park/bar/coffee shop" or wherever you want to go. Don't go to the movies because you can't actually get to know someone at the movies unless you're the type of as*hole who likes talking at the movies. Don't eat dinner because it's super formal and you're going to most likely be situation physically far away from the person with a table in between and also if the date is bad you can't really end it until you finish eating so it's awkward.

Alex gives excellent advice. Changing the subject immediately also helps if you’ve accidently said something awkward. It makes people more comfortable. It’s an NT and sometimes autistic thing, I’ve never understood it myself. When someone suddenly changes the subject in the middle of a conversation, it’s like a slight shock for me.

If you say something a little over the line (each person has a different line of what they'll accept) you can quickly make a statement that shows you have social awareness/ empathy, like "sorry, I haven't eaten yet" (even if you have) or "haha you're probably thinking that was a weird thing to say" and quickly change the topic. Even better ask a question when changing the topic. Or just change the topic...

Thanks, that’s true, I tend to do that too. My usual lines are I’m tired or have a headache; “I’ve been busy”; “I didn’t sleep much last night”; “Am not with it today”; “Sorry, that was a bit random!”; “Sometimes my mind jumps several subjects and comes up with something that appears totally random” (this does happen).

I think Alex when you compose the guidelines, it would be great for people to learn a bit about body language, particularly attraction signals and open and closed body language, and the context of it all. If I’m not busy, I can add some input to that if you like.

I can’t get over the idea that changing the subject is nothing short of cheating.

ME – (Insert something obviously f****d up to everyone but me here. Then insert a ridiculously clumsy attempt to change the subject.)
HER – Yeah, right, dude, like I couldn’t see what you did there. No, you’re not off the hook, and will never be. Wherever you go, this stain on your reputation will stand out to everyone, apparent as the midday sun, so they’ll instantly know what a desperate lowlife they’re dealing with, to your perpetual shame. You can run, but you can’t hide. Sorry, not sorry. Bye, bye!

Wow, it's funny because you're right, we do that and I've never even really taken notice of it until now.

Last edited by Luhluhluh on 25 Apr 2018, 5:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Spiderpig, it didn’t come naturally to me at all. I had to mimic what other people did and monitor my own responses during a conversation. It’s basically verbal distancing of yourself from a slightly awkward situation. NTs seem to respect it. I think they feel there’s nothing worse than an awkward person who is too keen, the next best thing is an awkward person who knows boundaries.

My biggest difficulty in dating is finding mutual attraction, it’s usually one-sided from mine or their side. It’s not often at all that I really like somebody. I had no problems finding dates in my teens and early 20s and still wouldn’t, but I haven’t bothered for years cos it’s meaningless to me. I know that most people don’t think like me and what I want more than anything in a partner is a great listener and someone who gets me, who doesn’t pretend to get me like men do. That’s really hard for someone with a mind like mine. It would be awesome to meet somebody who noticed the patterns and anomalies in things that I do. It disappoints me that people don’t notice the blatant bias in media, advertisements, selling things and how people are. It also disappoints me when I go into even a little depth into a topic and I notice the great look of boredom and impatience on peoples’ faces, they see it all as TMI or negativity, while I just want to explore a subject. It’s as if everybody has an off switch that makes them not notice.

The shortest and most simple way to put it is this: Reading other people and reading the signals they give off. Like understanding what kind of people they are and what they think about us based on their behaviour. And also the dynamic element so as to know if our behaviour in the moment is acceptable or not, likeable or not.

This 100%!

That would be super helpful!


I feel similarly and that is part of why I go to forums. Because everyday NT people don't want to talk about these things.


Super interesting post!