The Psychological Effects Of Being 'Forever Alone'

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23 Apr 2018, 2:00 am

Singledom by choice is a blessing, not a curse.

I have never experienced it though (I wasn't single for 30 years by choice), but I can imagine how cool it is.

RetroGamer87
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23 Apr 2018, 2:06 am

Sabreclaw wrote:

RetroGamer87 wrote:

A third thing you need is to be happy in your own skin, happy with your life.

I've been very depressed in the past but in the weeks before I met my current girlfriend I started to really enjoy being single and became a bit more social.

I think this gave me the happiness and confidence I needed when I started dating my current girlfriend. Otherwise she would have rejected me as a gloomy gus.

So you're single now? Enjoy it! Socialise platonically. You are more free than people in relationships. You can do what you want, when you want. You can have any sort of fun you want, either alone or with friends.

Most normal "single" people have active sexual lives, so they don't have to spend every day feeling like they're ugly and worthless because they already know they're good enough for others. We can't just magic confidence out of thin air when everything we've ever experienced showed us there's nothing to be confident about.

Maybe that's true for some but believe me I've never had an active sex life while single. Not once have I had sex outside of a relationship.

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23 Apr 2018, 2:07 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Singledom by choice is a blessing, not a curse.

I have never experienced it though (I wasn't single for 30 years by choice), but I can imagine how cool it is.

But you'll be single either way. Is it a case of the grass always being greener on the other side?

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The Grand Inquisitor
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23 Apr 2018, 2:11 am

sly279 wrote:

I now see this thread a trap to lure lonely single men in and bash them so I’m out

How is that so?

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23 Apr 2018, 2:16 am

The only times I've been single by choice is when I've realised I'm not in any kind of shape to be bringing a partner into my life. I don't remember getting any sex during those times :lol:

I wonder if it just sounds like people like me don't have multi-year droughts, cos we have lived many more years than the 21-yr-olds. There's plenty of time in 20+ years to experience hookups, relationships, AND chronic singleness.

I remember recently telling a friend how long it had been since I'd had sex and he was shocked. I'd never said I had been having sex but somehow he got the impression I was. I wonder if that sort of thing happens here too.

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23 Apr 2018, 2:31 am

yellowtamarin wrote:

I remember recently telling a friend how long it had been since I'd had sex and he was shocked. I'd never said I had been having sex but somehow he got the impression I was. I wonder if that sort of thing happens here too.

Do single people have sex every week or something? :lol:

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23 Apr 2018, 2:35 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:

yellowtamarin wrote:

Do single people have sex every week or something? :lol:

Like, with each other? If they do I missed the memo :lol:

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23 Apr 2018, 5:30 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

RetroGamer87 wrote:

You don't have to be forever alone. Anyone can get a relationship so long as they have two things. The confidence to ask girls out and a good career.
.

You're pouring salt to the wounds of many guys here, you know.

Ok, I came across as a little insensitive. It's just there are two types on L&D who need a reality check.

The first type are the ones who never ever ask anyone out and than act surprised when they're single.

The second type are the guys who complain that girls are only attracted guys who are unemployed or part-time. That's just the way it is.

If someone can't change one or both of those things, they have my sympathy but they shouldn't expect a girlfriend any more than I should expect a PhD.

Anyway, for those who are able to do it, getting a job and some confidence could mean new hope for a relationship, as it did for me. I once thought I was unable to work full-time. I was wrong.

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23 Apr 2018, 10:23 am

Sabreclaw wrote:

RetroGamer87 wrote:

That’s true, but it differs by culture.

In my culture, I am not supposed to have sex while single.

Like that doctor when I told him about my low sex drive concern and low testosterone, he was like “why would you care? you’re not married”.

I kept my cool but I really wanted to slap him.

If he wasn’t of my dad’s age my reaction would been rude to him.

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23 Apr 2018, 10:40 am

And guys, there are also health concerns about being forever alone (aka single for so so so so long times, decades at least).

In repeated studies, it turns out that, in men, real sex with a real persons increases Testosterone levels, while masturbation alone REDUCES testosterone levels.

Even the sperm composition differs between masturbation and real sex.

Scientists still don’t know why and how, but this shows how deeply men are “designed” (via evolution) to be supposed to have sex with a real person on regular
basis.
Masturbation is not a healthy alternative for your hormones no matter what non-scientist doctors tell you. A reduction in T. and Oxytocin means a hit against your overall physical and emotional health, and this is not a small matter. Also depressed lonely guys often would masturbate to cum quickly - usually while watching porn, to release steams, that a habit that also leads to Premature Ejaculation because they are training their brains to cum fast.

It’s also for that reason why some grown up women refuse to date delayed virgins/inexperienced guys; because they know they will perform badly for quite a time before they improve; probably they found out that based on previous experiences and aren’t patient for that enough-and there’s a real scientific reason why that happens with delayed virgins (or guys with very infrequent sex and rare sex experiences).

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23 Apr 2018, 11:00 am

yellowtamarin wrote:

The only times I've been single by choice is when I've realised I'm not in any kind of shape to be bringing a partner into my life.

I've been waiting to be in that kind of shape since I was fourteen. It never happened, nor does it look like it ever will, though the ways in which it didn't changed a bit over time.

yellowtamarin wrote:

I wonder if it just sounds like people like me don't have multi-year droughts, cos we have lived many more years than the 21-yr-olds. There's plenty of time in 20+ years to experience hookups, relationships, AND chronic singleness.

Still a far cry from spending the twenty years plus in a single, uninterrupted drought, with no chance to break it in sight, other than death, and with no experience of being in any other state.

yellowtamarin wrote:

I guess most women do, unless they don't want to or they depend on someone, usually their father, who refused to raise them to ever be financially independent, and keeps them locked up to "save" them for marriage.

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23 Apr 2018, 1:00 pm

FunkyPunky wrote:

I would say the one thing worse than never having a relationship at all, is to have one after multiple failures, allow yourself to get your hopes up, and then get dumped immediately after. So just when you're starting to think you might have been wrong about yourself, and maybe you are good enough after all-- yeah, nope, no you're not. At least with the first option, you're never surprised because you know in advance what's going to happen.

That's happened to me a few times and God it sucks. Looking for a partner also sucks! I'm at the point now where I'm sick of going on meet and greets because I know 99.99% that it won't lead anywhere and I'll never get a second or third date. I did the FWB thing for a while with someone who wouldn't commit to anything and treated me very bad, but I'm sick of that s**t and just want a real partner. I don't want to keep going on these stupid dates that won't go anywhere and just waste my time getting my hopes up. I'm just done and I give up.

So yes OP, even though I've had a relationship, I feel and can totally relate to the forever alone feelings.

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23 Apr 2018, 1:41 pm

Stardust Parade wrote:

FunkyPunky wrote:

Except you seem to think it's bad for me to have these feelings but it's ok for everyone else.

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23 Apr 2018, 2:40 pm

Sabreclaw wrote:

yellowtamarin wrote:

All of what you say sounds pretty spot-on.

What you have that others in your situation may not, though, is awareness of this fact. You can see that it is your interpretation of external factors that has impacted your beliefs about yourself. And that they are simply your beliefs and they may not be accurate. And that changing your beliefs might be to your benefit.

My view is this is a step closer to being able to do something about that. Unfortunately I don't have the wisdom to know how to best go about the next step, but the next step is to believe you are capable of having a relationship despite not having a reason to. I know that probably sounds really stupid, but plenty of implausible or seemingly impossible things do occur in life. Things can happen even when nobody expects them to happen, or sees evidence that they should happen. So just because you see no reason why you could have a relationship, doesn't mean you are right in your belief that you can't.

So you may as well believe that you can! Simple, no? Haha. Obviously it's not that simple when trying to put belief-changing into practice, but the concept really is that simple, IMO.

(You might not have proof that you can get a relationship, but you also don't have proof that you can't. Just one relationship is all it would take to shatter your belief. Surely you wouldn't hold on to your belief so strongly that if a relationship was presented to you, you would deny its existence?)

We can't just make ourselves believe in something the evidence is overwhelmingly against. As OP said, the issue isn't currently being single, the issue is being universally unattractive. We can't ever get relationships, flings, sex, or anything. We're completely locked out from that part of life.

I don't agree with the universally unattractive part. Being single gives me more time to focus on myself physically. If I were given a time limit to prepare for a date, I'd run out of time because I'd have to exercise, take a quick shower, put on makeup, put together an outfit, put on jewelry and make sure my hair, makeup and outfit look good. Total time for me to get all of this done would be an estimate of two hours. There are ways to look attractive even if someone doesn't feel like they look attractive. I mean, that's not my situation because I do this stuff anyway.

I'm not sure what you mean be "we're". Does that mean all people on the spectrum?

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23 Apr 2018, 2:50 pm

Marknis wrote:

Stardust Parade wrote:

FunkyPunky wrote:

Except you seem to think it's bad for me to have these feelings but it's ok for everyone else.

Except I don't make multiple threads complaining about it like you do. THAT is the difference.

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23 Apr 2018, 4:01 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Sabreclaw wrote:

RetroGamer87 wrote:

I probabl would have told him because you want to get married and need some more motivation.

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