New dating site strategy
Tinder really is a graveyard of despair, it is true for me at least. I get secret likes, but I hardly ever get matches. When I first started using it, I got more naturally probably because I spent more time swiping, but the results felt like I was matching mostly with bots. Now that I think of it, maybe they weren't bots, maybe they had so much interest I was ignored.
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“Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.” ― Bertrand Russell
Dude, were it not for online dating I never would have had a single girlfriend.
Congrats, you're either in the top 20% of males, or extremely lucky to be one of the 80% that got a bottom 22% lady.
Everyone else is recounting horror stories that would give the most war-hardened Vietnam veteran PTSD.
Has anyone else noticed a notable bump in secret likes on Tinder? A while back my average secret likes increased by 3 times its previous average and it has not gone away since it spiked. It will go up or down by 1 from time to time. I didn't change anything on my profile and I use it about the same amount. Has this happened to anyone else?
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“Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.” ― Bertrand Russell
It’s how dating works now.
There’s a picture of a person, brief summary about them and you swipe right to like them left to pass on them. Then another person pops up
How brief is the "brief summary," and what kinds of things does it typically contain?
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- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
Someone needs to do a better job of organizing social events for aspies. More and better structure would help, IMO.
_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
Think it’ll help?
Suggestion: IGNORE physical appearance completely either way, and focus solely on location plus what the "brief summary" says (if anything) about their hobbies/interests, their religion, their life goals, and what they expect/require in a relationship.
(I'm assuming that the summary contains these things. If it doesn't, then the dating app is completely useless IMO.)
Don't assume that ALL women, even all good-looking women, are going to judge you based on your appearance.
"Swipe right" on anyone nearby who shares at least one of your hobbies/interests (the more, the better) and doesn't have stated expectations/requirements incompatible with yours. "Swipe left" on anyone who lives two far away, or who doesn't share at least one of your hobbies (or who, worse yet, doesn't even mention interests/hobbies at all) or who has incompatible requirements/expectations. If in doubt, prefer those who share your religion also.
_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
I’ve swiped like on thousands and thousands of women and never been liked back, I think it’s clear to say most women do care about looks and Job status. They take one quick glance and swipe reject on me. But I’m not alone women on dating sites reject 80% of men.
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There is no place for me in the world. I'm going into the wilderness, probably to die
I spent way too much time on dating sites before I finally got lucky enough to meet my spouse. We've been together 13 years now (and met through online dating). Before that, I believe I kept at match.com for 6 or 8 years. In that time I had 11 first dates and 0 second dates. I have 2 suggestions for you:
1. I've read the whole thread and you continuously denigrate yourself. I'm all for wallowing in self-pity on occasion (I can do it with the best of them), but you have to like yourself first before anyone else is going to like you. Self-esteem is something that most people can read pretty quickly. You need to do some serious work on how you view yourself. I don't know you, but I do know that everyone has positive qualities and negative qualities. You've got to figure out what your positive qualities are and start to focus on them instead (and I know that it is much easier said than done).
2. If you are going to subject yourself to online dating, you have to learn to play their game. It can be very superficial, which means it's all about good first impressions. You shouldn't lie, but you don't have to tell the whole truth up front. Think of it as marketing yourself - figure out your best assets and put only that positive information in your profile. There's time to fill in the details after you begin communicating with someone. And make sure your profile photo is as good as it can be. Again, don't lie but a fresh haircut, fresh shave (or neatly trimmed facial hair), a shirt with a collar, and smiling will all come across more positively. Also, pay attention to the background in your profile photo. A photo someone else takes of you outdoors will almost always look better than a selfie or interior background. Whatever you do, don't use a screen capture of you hunched over your computer. Put some thought and some effort into it. Maybe even ask for some assistance to edit what you want to put out there.
All of this is just to get your foot in the door, so to speak. You just can't give up - and lighten up on yourself. As long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you are winning.
Just some of the lessons I picked up in the years beating my head against the dating site brick wall.
What do you say about yourself in your summary? Maybe we can brainstorm ways to improve your summary?
MOST, but not necessarily all.
But don't assume they all reject the SAME 80%.
_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
From what I understand it was the same 80%, this came from dating sites who track such things. Men swipe right on 80% of women.
Tinder and others punish men swiping right by hiding profiles probably what has happen to me since I swiped right on everyone.
My tinder says “I’m just an average guy working and living life”
But they don’t see that they just see my picture and swipe left in few seconds that’s all one gets few seconds.
I’m ugly,
Could pm
You my profiles but I don’t share publicly them anymore, too many mean people.
_________________
There is no place for me in the world. I'm going into the wilderness, probably to die
Think it’ll help?
Suggestion: IGNORE physical appearance completely either way, and focus solely on location plus what the "brief summary" says (if anything) about their hobbies/interests, their religion, their life goals, and what they expect/require in a relationship.
(I'm assuming that the summary contains these things. If it doesn't, then the dating app is completely useless IMO.)
Don't assume that ALL women, even all good-looking women, are going to judge you based on your appearance.
"Swipe right" on anyone nearby who shares at least one of your hobbies/interests (the more, the better) and doesn't have stated expectations/requirements incompatible with yours. "Swipe left" on anyone who lives two far away, or who doesn't share at least one of your hobbies (or who, worse yet, doesn't even mention interests/hobbies at all) or who has incompatible requirements/expectations. If in doubt, prefer those who share your religion also.
Forget about looks on Tinder? HA!
You've never used tinder, have you? The app is based on looks and physical attraction. By default you're only swiping right or left based on people's pictures, and you have to actually click on their profile and go to another screen to see their bios. Bios have like a 200 character limit or something, so you can maybe write a whole paragraph at most. And most people seem to either just put in a one-line quip that's meant to be humorous or clever, or they have a few dot points briefly describing generally unimportant aspects about themselves, or what they're looking for.
Moreover, if you get no matches anyway, there's not much motivation to check out every individual profile for their bios, as this takes more time, and you're no more likely to get matches than if you're just swiping based on appearance. If you're getting a lot of matches then filtering through profiles based on bios makes sense, but if you're getting no matches, filtering through profiles based in their bios won't make any difference, and will just take five times as long to be done with your 100 swipes and get no matches anyway. There's no motivation to invest extra time in getting no matches. And anyway if you match with someone who's not compatible you can unmatch them, so it makes more sense to do what takes less time.
And yes, you're right that the vast majority of people care about looks, and that there are some exceptions, but you're not going to find those exceptions on tinder.
The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,096
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
^ not only Tinder, most dating sites are doing the same mechanism.
And I bet they did so based on years of research, nothing really changed from the old days really, but the Tinder mechanism is more honest now, while on the old versions (like the old Okc) people pretended that they don't care about looks but I bet they wouldn't even reply to someone they see as unattractive.
There's a huge difference between what people claim vs what people do instinctively, I bet some people don't even realize that they reject based on looks, or at least the looks/body is a major subconscious part of their rejection decision.
The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,096
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
And they don't need Tinder to find this.
blackicmenace is right, 99% of female profiles say things along the lines "No hookup" or "not looking for short terms". The "Tinder is for sex" is an outdated myth that has to die,
most women don't use apps for sex and I don't even get from where this belief even came from as it was always false since its first release.
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