My problem with relationships and age

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I think being on the autisic spectrum brings a lot of thoughts and behaviors that don't fit any common patterns.
And even if there is attraction at first glance, more and more unexpected "things" happen that are confusing to other people.

I've also learned to mask a lot, and I still don't always realize it, I think.
Masking is exhausting and causes me to have an additional need to withdraw/retreat.

I couldn't start "dating" until my late twenties, because I didn't understand how this being with a man could work at all.
And when something like mutual interest came up, I quickly closed myself off emotionally because I was completely overwhelmed and flooded with stimuli.
I thought there was something wrong with me.
And even though I was able to gain some experience in the meantime, no partnership connection could work in the long run. I prefer to live without physical and emotional "partner touches" than with such,
which simply do not do any good in the long run.

In itself, I would probably be a good candidate for voluntary celibacy - since I'm not asexual and still prefer to keep my energies inside than gaining some nice feelings with someone -
without really feeling connected to the person.

I remain open that life can still teach me something, but I'm pretty tired about partnership.

Sorry, I wrote more than I thought, it is quite a touching topic for me.
I hope you can understand my english.

I completely understand your concern with long-distance dating. I have similar concerns.

But you seem (understandably) pretty convinced that you're not going to find someone locally. If you can't think of an alternate approach that will increase your chances of meeting someone locally, this may be one of the most viable approaches you can take.

You don't have to worry too much about having to spend that money until you've reached the point of arranging to meet someone, and if it's the only avenue you have available as it relates to meeting someone, is it not worth it?

You may not even get to the point of meeting someone. You may end up chatting to a few different women separately for a matter of weeks or months and not have it escalate to something real. Even in that case, I can't imagine it would all be a complete waste of time. Surely having women show you some romantic interest would be good for your self-esteem and confidence.

I don't think that means you are unlovable. It just makes things more complicated and you, like me, are waiting to meet someone compatible because our little quirks are not usual.

I think you've probably got plenty of good qualities, as does everyone on this forum and people in general. It's just we don't get the chance to shine or sometimes other people don't have enough time for us to see the good things and sometimes life squashes down those good things and makes it harder for us to be who we really want to be.

Life is hard and we are playing on hard mode.

Hi Jane, nice to meet you. I'm going to start a new thread in the women's section about this as I think we may have much in common and I don't want to go too much off on a tangent. I relate to what you've written, thanks for sharing.

I think if you stick with your immediate local area you won't be giving yourself a chance. One of the common themes in the dating game is to expect failure.

In some ways dating is like job searching. If there's no jobs in your immediate area most people expand their job search to give themselves a better chance.

As with job searches you might initially think you are unemployable, But over time you develop more skills and practice with job applications so you become better and improve your chances. All you need to do is maintain the motivation to keep up the effort.

Over time I've seen a lot of really nice guys (I could have thrown myself in this category once upon a time) be frustrated and disgruntled that women don't see the good qualities they have. You just need to be the best version of yourself that you can be. You won't know if women can't see that you are loveable unless you give it a try.

Just a comment, but I notice that "Love and Dating" seems to be dominated by aspie guys. I wondering if this needs to be a "mens thread"?

While there is some overlap, the issues pertaining to women's dating are often different to mens,

I don't have any reason to think I'd find anyone elsewhere either.



It seems I should have been more clear: I don't have any money in the first place.



Sounds about right.



Problem is I can't just wait indefinitely. As I wait, I grow old and life passes me by. I don't have any time left before I'm simply too old for a relationship, or rather any relationship I would want. Finally being able to date after I'm too old to date anyone who isn't a grandma doesn't help me.



Problem is I don't have any other options. I've been wanting to move somewhere else for the past decade, but I just can't afford to.

I think it still may be worth trying the long distance online dating. If/when you happen to meet a compatible woman, she may be willing to spend her money to come and meet you in person.

You never know until you try.

1. From what you've told us, you live in a pretty backward area. Why wouldn't another place be better?
2. If you don't have any money, make, borrow or beg some--just enough to get away.
3. You're never "too old for a relationship." As for not wanting to date a "grandma"... I'm 58 and dating someone much younger, in a very stable and happy relationship.
4. After a major personal and financial disaster, I got a job in another country and moved there with just enough money for airfare and 1 month's expenses, barely surviving till I got my first paycheck. It can be done.

To the OP, you said before that you were bothered by the idea of dating someone much younger. But you also made the point that it's hard to find a woman your own age, that is still single, and does not have kids, etc. Do you think maybe it's best to change your outlook on how you view a much younger woman, and learn to be okay with it, so you can date them, since there are more of them on the market perhaps, that do not have kids in comparison?

No one is too old for a relationship. There's all sorts of weird and wonderful tales out there of people living alternative lives.

Weird Al didn't meet the right woman until he was 40. Everyone around him just assumed he would never marry. It just happened for him.

I started a new thread. There's nothing more annoying than being told to do something you've already done.

Men need women's perspectives though. They're trying to date... Women

I'll go. Enjoy your echo chamber.

Edit: just to say when I add experience about my failures I'm doing it to show I'm not perfect and I'm not being condescending because we're stuck on the same level dating wise.

Hey hurtloam, I think you may be misinterpreting cyberdad here. I don't think he was telling you to start a new thread, but rather pondering the notion that perhaps Love and Dating should become a subforum for discussing men's dating issues, and there should be a separate area to discuss women's dating issues.

To be clear, if that's what he meant, it's not a notion I support, but he's also not trying to tell you to leave, or telling you to do something you were already doing.

I think he was warning me not to derail the thread. I think he does want to help the OP and is making sure I don't start hijacking it, which is ok.

Now we're derailing the thread.

Revert to thread.

I will be properly gone now.

Adiós.

ahhh no no no....I never aksed you to leave hurtloam. If anything your input is more welcome here than mine (I'm old and my dating experience is pre-internet).

My point was creating a men's thread is just to get other young men who might want to ask questions to open up and not be scared, Women are definetely always welcome here and anywhere on this forum, I never ever support excluding anyone.,

I thought the whole point is that women in Third World countries are looking for men to bring them to America.



It absolutely would be. But I don't have the means to relocate. I tried moving to Ohio with my sister in 2016. But then my sister went back to Libya and I couldn't find stable employment and ended up forced to come back because my friend here was the only person willing to take me in.



From whom? All my family are in Libya and struggling financially themselves.



I guess. But the idea weirds me out.



I don't have the cost of a plane ticket or 1 month's expenses.



I should clarify that I meant too old for any relationship I'd want to be in. I missed out on dating when I was younger, and I don't want to have never been with anyone under 40.

I know nothing about Mr. Yankovic's personal life. But in my experience, whenever someone says that they never got married until their 40s, they typically mean that they dated and had sex with several partners in the years prior to that, but for whatever reason those relationships didn't work out in the long term. It is a completely different situation than remaining single because nobody has wanted to date me in over 12 years.