How to avoid Dating a Narcissist

Post Reply New Topic

Aspies are sterotyped to lack empathy & be immature in some ways. We can also have some jealousy traits due to OCD & a need for routeine & predictability like getting upset when our partners & dates are unexpectedly late(with arriving or calling/texting) or when they cancel plans at the last minute. I highly doubt that most Aspies are narcissists thou.

Same here. When I'm getting to know someone, I want the focal point to be the things we have in common, not (their highly inaccurate mental image of) me as a person.

The problem is that we can still have things in common with narcissists. We might have the same interests or hobbies. The conversation can be very compelling. In my experience love-bombing wasn't necessarily about how great I was. It was about the person discovering my interests and approaching from that direction. Sometimes it's sincere and they really do want to discuss XYZ. It's not like narcissists live under a rock and can't talk about anything but themselves, and it's not like I'm so stupid that I'll fall for false flattery. False flattery or even too much genuine flattery would be a big red flag to most people, since that's not realistic.

I’ve never dated a narcissist, but I did have a narcissistic father. I was his scapegoat.

While i’m not qualified to diagnose him (he died 37 years ago, while I was still working and living in Chicago), he had done the following:

He was physically, mentally and verbally abusive.

In his eyes, I could never do anything right.

He was jealous that I got to go to college, eventually earning my master’s in Library and information science.

My senior Year in High school, I was one of two featured soloists with the high school band (my cousin was the other featured soloist). Mom and Dad were sitting in the front of the auditorium. The Band director had all male soloists memorize their solos. I started my solo. Looked out into the audience, and saw Dad making faces at me, that told me, “I’m going to make you f!ck up so badly, you’ll never live it down. I caught hell from the band director during intermission, and caught all sorts of grief from Dad after the concert, for even learning how to play an instrument.

While I did go to college and majored in music, the embarrassment didn’t stop. I played in the marching band. The director taped all the shows during the 25 years he spent at that school. He carried a half inch Video Tape Recorder and camera with him. Dad called him a p!say to his face for carrying a VTR in a leather case with shoulder strap. Even though I explained to dad what he was carrying, Dad still called him a f!cking p!ssy. With the University chorale director, he took him to task for sitting down to direct the choir. I tried to explain to dad the director had a heart condition, and would sit down if he started getting weak. (Said director was also one of the few professors that gave me any kind of respect and encouragement, since I was getting damn little respect from anyone else.)

It was also the same where I went to church. Dad was a dyed in the wool Winebrennerian (also known as the Churches of God—General Conference or the Churches of God in North America). I left that denomination pretty quickly after college, since my first professional music gig was with the Lutherans. Despite Dad pulling the same jackass routine on me, like he did my senior year in high school, the Lutherans knew talent when they saw it, and I was very well appreciated.

There was a lot more bullsh!t he would pull up to his dying day 37 years ago, but that would fill a book on narcissistic abuse.

Facebook strikes me as an absolutely awful place to put an NPD abuse survivor group, given that at least some NPDers are likely to be stalkers, and given Facebook's "real names" policy. Really, it seems to me that someone should start an old-fashioned message board (if this has not been done already), and the relevant "influencers" should be asked to provide links to same.

There are two relevant forums on the topic.


Out of the Fog OOTF is a forum devoted to helping family members and loved ones of people with personality disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The word FOG was chosen as an acronym to stand for "fear, obligation, and guilt", which is a common trauma response when dealing with people who have NPD or other forms of PD.

Out of the Storm OOTS is devoted to people with Complex Trauma Disorder or CPTSD, also known as CRTC (Complex Relational Trauma Response), which is quite often caused by abusive relationships with others who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Hmmm, I'm not sure I agree with that last sentence about "most" people. As far as I can tell, there are a lot of people who do seem to expect and want lots of flattery, especially from a potential romantic partner. Flattery is the essence of most love songs and love poems, after all.

Flattery may not be the only form of love-bombing, but I would hazard a guess that it's the most common form and that many people do indeed fall for it, even if it's not the type of love-bombing that you personally encountered.

Anyhow, although I've never been in an intimate relationship with a person fitting the description of NPD, I've known at least several people who did fit that description.

Most of these people were indeed capable of having hobbies and talking about their hobbies; but, when they talked about their hobbies, it had a very different flavor from the way that other people, whom I felt more comfortable with, talked about their hobbies. When the highly narcissistic people talked about their hobbies, they usually talked about them in ways that seemed to be primarily an excuse to pour contempt on various personal acquaintances of theirs. Or, even when they weren't pouring contempt on other people, there was often an undertone of personal mindfuckery of one kind or another. It seemed as if their main purpose in having hobbies was to prove their own superiority, not to have fun with the hobbies themselves.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 20 Jul 2023, 8:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

People with NPD are not immune to having (or feigning) normal hobbies and interests and they are not always incapable of talking about them in a normal fashion. Having been in a relationship with at least one narcissist, it's not all evilness all the the time, unless they are Dr. Evil - I haven't dated him. It would be nice if it was like that because it would make it easier to spot. It's more complex than that.

On a different note, there's a difference between expressions of genuine love and attempts to flatter someone with the goal of manipulating them. I'd say that "love" is the essence of most poems and songs about love that I've read or listened to. At any rate, narcissists don't rely on flattery alone when they are trying to ensnare a target. It's often more complex, subtle, and nuanced than that, so it's not always easy to spot or categorize.

People who've dated narcissists or manipulative, abusive people aren't necessarily stupid. Perhaps if one hasn't been in an abusive relationship, it would be hard to appreciate what it's like or what it entails.

Apparently, what you experienced was more complex and subtle. But people whom you might describe as being like Dr. Evil do exist and, in my experience, some of them do manage to attract a following (and intimate partners) too. I've run into a few people like this who wrought quite a bit of interpersonal havoc within the small subcultures that they and I both participated in.

Perhaps I've overgeneralized from these people to NPDers in general. If I've offended you and other abuse survivors by so doing, I am sorry.

EDIT: I've also met quite a few people whose primary preferred mode of communication seemed to be mutual flattery. Perhaps I've overgeneralized by assuming that most abusive intimate partners -- and many of their victims -- would be in this category.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 20 Jul 2023, 11:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

I don't think I've really experienced mutual flattery with anyone, or not in the ways you seem to be suggesting. No one has ever really told me I'm beautiful, funny, smart, etc. Not even my own parents. I've never had that kind of relationship. I've never treated a partner that way either. tbh I didn't think my partners were overly good looking, smart, funny, etc. My relationships were based on a comfort level where we were both introverted and enjoyed talking, or felt safe together. I think there was a degree of codependence in that, and that's what got me hooked.

I'm thinking specifically of my exh because he was formally dx with NPD during our custody assessment with the kids. He was my first-ever boyfriend and I married him after six years of dating. I'd spent most of that time away from him for Uni. I had nothing to compare him to, and since he was a little older I saw his "confidence" as being a measure of his age rather than his then-undx NPD. I made up a phrase about him though, all the way back when I was 17. The saying was "All things ________ " (his name). Everything was "All things _______ ", everything we talked about. Everything that mattered. Everything that we did. I know in retrospect that didn't mean he talked about himself 24/7. We went to the theatre, to museums, to art galleries. We actually had a fun relationship prior to marriage. I don't even remember why I made up that phrase but it's one my daughter agreed with, living as his child. It was a subtext and it pervaded everything. Somehow I sensed that at my young age, but I didn't know what to make of it or how much trouble it would cause.

My current relationship is all of that but the compliments didn't really start till the relationship got serious & it's still like that 11 years later. We really do mean the compliments even if we don't feel that way about ourselves & most others might not think that about us either. When I think of love-bombing & flattery I think it's someone giving lots of compliments before the relationship starts like pickup lines or compliments that start as soon as the relationship does & the behavior majorly dies down or stops after the relationship gets serious. To me love-bombing & flattery are not compliments that start after you know each other a little when the relationship starts getting serious. I know some others would consider my behavior love-bombing & a major warning sign but to me & Cass we're both very affectionate. I'll mention affection as an honorable mention in your Top 5 Personality Traits thread.

My exh is dx NPD but I really don't know if he lovebombed me in the beginning. We made a big deal out of Christmas and birthday gifts but that was mutual and kind of fun. I don't remember any real flattery apart from the fact we spent a lot of time together when I wasn't at school. He felt like family from Day 1. I was really fond of him because he was older and already finished Uni so I looked up to him and admired him, I guess you could say. It's kind of a good thing because otherwise I never would have had the confidence to move away from home (and him) and go to Uni, which has provided me with my career, my Long Term Disability, and a good pension. He was only five years older which isn't outrageous but given the fact I was a teenager it seems like a huge span to some people. Our marriage and divorce were a nightmare but I've already talked that one to death.

BF2 - Wasn't dx with anything that I know of but he was psycho. I'd say NPD if not an outright sociopath. He didn't love-bomb me. He actually tried to pull away several times but I kind of idealised and chased him. Huge mistake. He probably feels like he was love-bombed by me. I wasn't consciously love-bombing and wasn't even that crazy about him but I was really insecure on my own, being in my 20s and having two (then three) little babies to raise on my own. I wanted a friend more than anything. It was an outright horror story by the time it ended, because of his narcissistic personality.

BF3 - I don't know what his diagnoses would be but I'd bet ADHD and ASD. He has a frontal brain injury too. He's very low in the empathy or inference departments. He's very needy emotionally and I feel guilt-tripped or gaslit even now more than 20 years after we broke up. (We are still friends at a distance.) Love bombing? I don't think he did it in a Machiavellian or NPD way but he really didn't know what he wanted or how to demonstrate affection. I think a lot of his affection really was genuine, to the best extent he could offer.

WP Groomer - I've already talked about that at length. There was no mutual flattery apart from him remarking how exuberant I was. He didn't know anything the real me so it would have been very hard for him to flatter any of that. As for lovebombing it was in the form of telling me repeatedly that I loved him and I trusted him. He was a covert narcissist and likely a psychopath in that he had no empathy for anyone but himself. I was an imaginary construct to him. In some respects that was good because it kept my anonymity but his lies and manipulation unfolded regardless.

Current Partner - No evidence of NPD or any abusive behaviour.

So beware that the next time you are love bombed, just stay out and move on.

It is the most common manipulation technique used by a narc and especially a socio or psychopath.

I was just feeling love bombed, and within day 2, my gf said she felt insecure.

Right-away, I knew her affection was not genuine. So I left.

One common thing all persons with NPD disorder say: I feel insecure.

That means they want to put you down so they feel more insecure.

Sometimes people without NPD feel insecure, too.

For example, I feel uncomfortable and insecure when I go to new places or when I'm around a lot of people.

I don't think I've ever been with a narcissist but I'm reassured that I don't correspond to the description given in the first post of the subject.