Never had a girl friend.

Post Reply New Topic

I just think that we, as humans, have the idea of conversation backward. The way it is now, you have to make small talk before you can get to the more meaningful/interesting conversation. As an Aspie with severe symptoms, that just seems completely backward. I want to get to the interesting/meaningful conversation first to see if I have anything in common and am interested in pursuing a friendship or relationship. After all, if I don't have anything in common with them, why would I want to waste time asking them about their job/school/family/friends/pets/etc? What's the point in making small talk with someone for a while only to later realize you have nothing in common and aren't going to be engaging them further?

I think to NT's, the point is that the heavy stuff is very personal/private to them, and they really don't want to reveal this to just anyone -- they need to qualify you first with small talk to make sure that A) you're not someone who is going to reject their idea or even have a violent reaction, B) that you're intelligent enough to comprehend what they are going to say, and C) that you even want to hear about that at all.

That's thing -- a conversation goes two ways, and only works if both sides are interested. AS folks tend to be a bit selfish and self-centered when it comes to what we like, and we assume it arouses the same interest in everyone else. Rest assured it doesn't, and without the small talk to "prepare the ground" and make sure there is interest, you are just wasting your breath.

So think of it this way -- Part 1, small talk, you make sure the person you are talking to isn't ret*d or crazy, Part 2. you get a little more serious, and see if you are on the same page, and part 3, you get into serious discussion. This is how NT's view the proper protocol for communication. Mind you, most polite conversations don't get past part 2, because Part 3 is dynamite, and has the potential to start an argument or to hurt feelings. No one likes arguing or having their feelings hurt, so Part 3 only happens with "trusted" people.

Let's just say that if I found a woman that could give me 30 seconds each time I needed to formulate a question without awkwardness, it would be a hell of a lot easier for me, definitely...

Do you live in Jersey?

No -- phew! It's a good thing, because I'm on here semi-anonymously, and I already revealed some personal stuff.

I have never had a serious romantic relationship and I am in my 50s. It's not that I can't; I take reasonably good care of myself; people don't throw rocks at me when I walk down the street; I have a good job and I am (according to most people who know me) very verbal. When I was younger I had several hormonal relationships but nothing else. I could actually call myself asexual now because I am really not interested in a relationship. I think when I was younger I was conditioned by society that a man was not complete w/o a woman. I also wanted so bad to fit in and one way to do that was to be a male slut (I thought that was how a man was supposed to behave). Coming to the realization that I was an Aspie and being "officially" diagnosed gave me the freedom of self acceptance. It is OK to be who I am and I don't need to pretend to be someone I am not, especially when I don't feel that way. If others don't accept my individuality, the hell with them
A story that illustrates this comes from when I was in the military. I was in one convoy and another convoy was in the field at the same time and we had to share a common crosspoint (we were heading North and they were heading West). When troops from the other convoy would pass by ( they were being directed by our SPs) they would shout out insults at our SPs as they drove by, such as F*** You (and other equally crude comments) Our SPs would just pump their arms up and down to indicate it was their turn to enter the crosspoint and tell them
"sorry you feel that way, drive on"

I'm almost 23, and I've never been on a date, but I've gotten close. I have friends who are girls, but when I asked them on a date, I either found out that they have boyfriends, or they're busy (or maybe some don't like me). I've danced with LOTS of girls at bars (some of whom had boyfriends in the room. Haha! In your face! Sloppy footed dudes!). I've also been kissed by a few girls who were too drunk to know who I was. But somehow I've never been able to convince one to go on a date with me.

If I can't get a date by valentines day, I think I'll throw water balloons at couples from my car. I gotta keep entertained somehow.

Agreed.

Yeah, that is definitely the way it is supposed to work. I do have to admit, though, that the way my AS boyfriend sees the world makes a lot more sense to me. I avoid small talk. It's irritating. unless the small talk is funny, I don't go for it.

I'm going to assume that's why I have 1 real friend.

Small talk can be annoying, especially if you don't have the patience for it or aren't interested in 99% of the brain dead "culture" everyone else is into. Unfortunately, regression towards the mean is a natural thing for populations and minds, and we just have to deal with it. I'm a little better at tolerating "empty-head" talk than I used to be (I think of it as a survival skill), but I won't waste a lot of my free time or mental space on it, so I'm in the same boat as you.

Small talk just doesn't occur to me fast enough. That's been a problem with me and girls who I don't know very well, I'm interested in talking to them but don't know what to say and in the end I think it just comes across as awkward.

If you don't have a wide variety of interests, then it becomes that much harder to converse and probably harder for her to see reasons to keep trying. Which would further explain the need to for small talk in the first place.

Im pretty much in the same boat, minus the self pity part. I just stopped caring entirely. Yeah, sometimes i may see one i like, but thats about it, just a passing thought on the spur of the moment.

I've only tried with like two girls, only really tried with one of them. The latter defines most of my romantic experience, which basically amounts to bulljive.

"destiny" is a stupid idea that a higher power has set a path for everyone so we end up together, too bad we have free will.

I'm 21, and out of my entire social circle, I only have 3 gal-not-really-friends.

I've wanted to get one, but right now, my priorities are school, foreign exchange, job and projects. There are few girls in engineering, and I honestly don't feel like worrying about how things are going with a girl I'm dating when I have to turn in an IRC server and a software documentation. The fact that I was terribly grossly turned off by the night clubbing scene really doesn't helps: I went to one on December, and while it wasn't bad, it wasn't so special either, it was hideously expensive, it's all about being flashy and flamboyant, and I definitely don't feel like going to these places anymore.

I'd really appreciate having more gal-friends though... mostly for the variety they would add to my social circle, 'cuz I've been feeling kinda bored lately with them.

my husband never had a GF and was a virgin until he was 29. he is 40 now and we have been married 11 years. don't give up if it's what you want.