How to detect Narcissists (common partner for AS/Asperger's)

Post Reply New Topic

I am an NT currently engaged to an Aspie. My ex-husband is a narcissist. He was very manipulative and I was to young and insecure to leave him. I wasted 10 years of my life with him. Anyone can affected by one, not just Aspies. Mine lied about anything and everything. Even if the evidence proved he was, he would still deny it. I feel bad for anyone who ends up with someone like him. I am glad I wised up and left him. My piece of advice is listen to your family and friends. My family warned and warned me and I didn't listen. I should have and I could have been with my fiancé sooner as we were just friends when I was with my ex.

Bull and you know it.

*facepalm* I knew that, I meant borderline personality disorder

What? Why is this bull and what do I know about it???

Thank you for a very important post on a difficult subject, Chain.

I was in a relationship with, well... I still cannot define him. He claims to be AS, but is surprisingly quite social, popular, and doesn't really have any symptoms of AS. He says he does, but I never have seen them manifested. He has most NPD traits- an interesting combination of cerebral & somatic. He is fiercely proud of his intellect, yet quite obsessive about his physical body. He brags about both pretty much constantly, but very matter-of-factly- as if there's no doubt that he is the most fit, intelligent, handsome man in his generation. He has literally said that. He is the president of a small organization (<40 members) yet talks/thinks daily about his "role as president" and recently emailed me about "how presidential he looked standing on a rock near his house."

I broke up with this guy over 2 years ago and still cannot shake him. He calls me repeatedly until I pick up. If I answer the phone, he will literally spend 2 hours talking "at" me about himself. Every time I attempt to distance myself and sever all ties, he pulls the "autism" card. I am AS myself, and I am stressed to the max just thinking about having to interact with this person. So, I try to sever ties and he says: "I'm all alone in this world now... I'm autistic and I can't help how I am, nobody understands me or appreciates my mind... I have no one to talk to now, just like the whole of my life before I met you..." And on and on. So basically, he guilts me into occasionally talking to him. When I do, he "love bombs" me over the phone. He says all sorts of wonderful things just for a few minutes, then goes into his same old spiel. He gets very upset when I don't react the way I used to, and he will start getting very manipulative. He will tell me how no one could ever love me the way he does, how he is the ONLY man on the planet that would never cheat on me, how if I go on to someone new, it'll be disastrous and I will regret it, and how special he is and I'm clearly very stupid for not realizing it.

I don't know if he's a sociopath or NPD or both. I do know that I've never seen any visual signs of autism on his part. He is quite adept at reading both facial expressions and body language and has excellent social skills.

After seeing this post and looking back on the last two years with this barnacle still hanging on me... I am determined to completely shut this person out of my life. No more being polite about it. It's still difficult, though, as he can so easily make me feel as though I'm the one with the problem and if I don't want him in my life, it's a result of me somehow being mean and uncaring towards him (just like everyone else in the world).

You can have a long list of NPD/BPD traits, and some of them fit my ex (who did have a diagnosis of personality disorder) very well, and come of them are miles off. So how about this (based on him):

Someone who puts you down, subtly or otherwise. Someone who tells you that you're stupid (or implies it) when you don't agree with them. Someone who regards themselves are far more intelligent, better informed, braver and better looking than you are (mine, just before the split, told me he'd ordered a hat for himself that says, El Guapo - ie, "the handsome one").

Someone whose compliments contain an element of insult. Someone who doesn't listen to you but insists you listen to them. Someone who never bothers with your interests, but it angry when you don't share theirs.

Someone who plays games in the bedroom - not the fun sort: making the most minute feeble effort if you want it and they're not in the mood, and sulking and pestering if you say No to them. Getting you to do what they enjoy, but refusing to do what you enjoy (ie, not that it upsets them, but that they can't be bothered). So in the end you stop trying and just lie there like a sex doll.

Someone who will spend hours telling you about their problems and expect rapt attention, and yet shows next to no interest in yours, even telling you to shut up when you try to discuss things that are distressing you.

Someone who rages at you seemingly over nothing (though later you can fathom the "reason" - ie, you didn't agree with them or you politely asked them not to do mess up the bathroom). And who never apologizes or explains, or wants to sit down and work out how to stop it happening again. And who blames you for all this.

Someone who "triangulates" - ie, plays people off against each other in search of ego boosts - could be his mates, could be another lover - in my case, his parents. So you know if he gets upset over anything he'll walk away - and from them, when they upset him: and it's never his fault.

Someone who, every now and then, turns back into the lovely, sweet, adorable person you fell in love with, and even, once or twice apologises for hurting you (less and less, as time goes on, till in the end they're barely recogniseable as the person you once adored).

Someone who never says sorry. Someone who ends the relationship out of the blue, and gives no comprehensible reason - "We're just different people" (eh?) and yet hints that one day he'll come back.

Someone who (to my shame, I did this) when you call him up because you're so upset over losing him, gives you a long diatribe about his health, his family, his woes in general, as if you were a phone counsellor.

I agree with an early post in this thread - the only way to get over it is indeed the massive breakdown that finally allows that silenced part of you to SCREAM that it was awful and it was destroying you.

Someone who destroys you, but you stay because you have a matching set of emotional damage, and you mesh with them. And also because you can't even look most people in the eye and you're scared there'll never be anyone else. And because it's nice for once in your life to be "normal" to be "part of a couple" and for a lifetime outsider and misfit, that's no small matter.

And you miss them because you romanticise the past and because now you have no one to hold or kiss. And that takes a very very long time to get over.

Read a nice post on some site - "He didn't leave you. He freed you."

Re the previous post: I'd stop picking up the phone. Whatever he is, he's damaging you. It's a bitter lesson to learn - you have to let go of people who damage you. Yes, they're hurt too, and sad and scared and afraid and very, very unhappy. But being a doormat (as I was until so recently) is as bad for them as it is for you.

Hooboy, did this ever make some light bulbs come on for me!

I've had two (former) female friends, and one ex-husband who, after reading this, I realize fell into the NPD definition.

I guess I'm a sucker for them, so this thread is very valuable to me. I hope I will be able to recognize the traits a lot sooner in the next one I come across.

I don't remember if it was mentioned, but all three of the ones I knew had a vast capacity to make self-aggrandizement sound like self-effacement. Also, to tell stories about their own wrongdoings but make themselves seem like the victim, not the perpetrator.

The ex-husband ultimately gave himself away by reveling in the misfortune of others (although I didn't recognize it at the time as NPD, I did know it was wrong, and completely repellent to me). He first showed it as false sympathy, but as more and more time went on, it became open mocking, and then actual enjoyment of talking about the bad things that happened to other people he knew (or even total strangers in the news). Since I had stopped "feeding" him years before, he ultimately split and freed me from what had become a miserable situation.

I hope I will have better ability in the future to spot one of these toxic types.......

This is an interesting thread. I read that Narcissists are also a common partner for those with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

I know this thread is old but I am hoping the poster will see this. I am in a quandary, there are so many articles saying what the difference between Narcissists and Aspergers is, but I do not see a clear distinction?? I am a diagnosed Aspie, I met a man 3 years ago who was charming, outrageous and captivating!

Within the first week I had an ex partner contact me to say he was a sociopath, I took this to be a hurt bitter woman. Over the next few years I learned, he had no friends, he was vicious when angry, he was so like me, he went and got himself diagnosed as Aspergers too! I thought that this was amazing, a man like me, but he is not like me.

He had an affair that lasted almost a year and it only came out because the other woman found out. I sat down and talked with her and she noted that all she had come to know and love seemed to her to just be a copy of what she was seeing watching me, that she felt he was a narcissist. Obviously, because he clearly and publicly declared it was all the worst mistake of his life, that he had used her because he felt alone, and that I was the love of his life, I forgave and moved forward.

He has allowed me to shoulder all the financial responsibilities even though he moved in with me (he has never worked in all the time I have known him, he is trying to be a writer). He has ended our relationship several times, shouting horrible things at me and walking away, only to resurface later telling me how it was all my fault, but I was amazing and he loved me so he had to make it work.

He says he is naive, but he has cheated and lied, he says he is socially awkward, but he literally lights up a busy room. These things all describe me, I don't like the fact that I am naive and I stand attached to a wall in social settings, that I hide away from the world and I was/am obsessed with him. Yes I am able to say he is/was my obsession since we met, I loved him totally, forgave him leaving, calling me names, lying and cheating I wanted him so much.

Am I so aspie that I can not see that in fact, I am the narcissist? He tells me that I am the cause of our problems, I am stressy and nit picking, both things I can see are true! Am I seeking to label him to make myself feel better, justify my own shortfalls? I really do not know!

Right now I am in the position where he has been gone for a month (he always kept a rented room as his safety net, as it was close to where his children live). He has sent me messages such as 'I never want to hear from you again if I do it will only be easier to hate you' and then I love you, you are my soul mate, you were an excellent amazing girlfriend and I want to sort this out all within hours of each other.

I think I am losing my mind, all I want to do is sleep, I feel like a shell. Am I being overly dramatic and I need to listen to him, or is this something else? I do not know.

The people most vulnerable to narcissists are people who have been consistently deprived of respect and affection in childhood in a systematic way by a parent or parent figure who withheld approval of any kind to the child (they are often not slack in providing cruel and untrue putdowns however).

Education for these victims is hyper-important, as narcissistic predators can spot them rather like lions can spot the most vulnerable gazelles. Knowledge can increase awareness, and when you know better you can do better.

Incidentally the same thing actually result in NPD. Either too much praise, respect, etc or too little. Obviously there are other factors too like predisposition, but that is a big one. I also observe these people cause a lot of unnecessary drama an problem for themselves. Still it is rare.

There is a term "co-narcissist", which is a person that goes along with their manipulative behaviour and ends up doing their bidding.

Actually from personal experience I would say than anyone in vulnerable especial those that have something that would be useful for a NPD person to exploit.

I use to have friends like that when I was in high school. They were very controlling of me, would follow me around, gas-light me and turn people against me. It was a living hell.

I have done a lot of reading about narcissists and since then I have been recognizing symptoms in people and I realize everyone has a little bit in them. I can now spot one easily.

Ironically people with BPD fear abandonment but their behavior is what makes people abandon them but their behaviors are so similar to those with NPD they both look the same to the victims because both behaviors are very harmful.

I honestly believed my ex was one because she acted very much like it but she claimed in her comment she has BPD. I have been reading about it online and all the stories are similar to what I read about narcissists. I am in narcissisticabuse and BPDLovedOnes on reddit and also in raisedbynarcissists and raisedbyborderlines. All stories there are so similar but the difference is the names of the groups are different.

My current girlfriend is a covert somatic narcissist.
I was dating her since last year.
She's older. She's in her late thirties.
She's beautiful and attractive.
We first met on facebook.
I found out she was a covert narcissist last month.
The gaslighting. The arguments and misunderstandings. The feeling drained feeling. Her trying to control me. The her pushing boundaries. The other stuff.
I don't know what to do! I want to cure her somehow, but it might be better to leave her.
She's in another state. She wants me to take the amtrak and move in with her. She paid for the ticket and uber last time, but I didn't go. We talk on skype.
She wants me to go in a few months.
I don't have much money.
I don't know if I should leave her.
I think she wants to be with me.
I'm smart and handsome and attractive.
This narcissist woman situation is causing anxiety.
If she weren't a narcissist, it would have been perfect.
I told her I have Asperger's some time before I found out about her narcissism.
I'm in my mid-twenties.
What do I do?!
I thought I found a cougar, but instead I found a narcissist.
..

when you learn to notice, it's everywhere
or if you distance yourself from one, it's all around, or you make that? transparent?
i don't know, last time i was updated another one turned into selfidealating 'trans'person
oh ff off, you think you're special now?

I am glad that I am no longer with the narcissist.
But other stuff are going wrong in my life now. I hope it gets better.