Twenty years ago I was living & working in Dallas & she was going to medical school in Fort Worth. I've been studying Zen Buddhism & Taoism since I was a teenager & so, for various reasons, I decided to get some formal training in meditation, as I had never done it as a formal practice. One day my sensei (teacher) invited me to a seminar on ayur vedic medical/health theories of India.
It was held in the apartment of a young doctor in Fort Worth and there were about a dozen people attending. On the very first day this short, stocky girl walks right up to me, places her hand over my heart & says "You have a sad spot right here" so I started asking questions about how she would know such a thing.
This seminar lasted over a 3 day summer weekend and by the end we had all spent a great deal of time together in this small apartment talking about rather personal stuff. It was suggested & decided that those of us who desired such would turn it into a kind of "group therapy" clique. We had lots of talks about once a week & often went to dinner together after. This young lady & I kind of gravitated to each other. At least, that's how it appeared to me.
Turns out she was one of those very talented people with some sort of "psychic" ability & was becoming a doctor so she could use her talent legally to "see inside you" and refer people to specialists. Every time there was a break between semesters she would spend her spare time in India, first seeing a guru and then volunteering in a hospital. She told me that her parents, apparently part of the "Beat Generation" had introduced her to this guru and by this time she was more dedicated to her Hindu interests than Jewish ancestry.
The end of the fall semester came around and she told me she was heading to India for the holiday break. We arranged to spend a day together before she left. I had spent the summer & fall reading a huge book about Taoist medical practices and I gave it to her as a Christmas present. We spent a Saturday afternoon wandering around the Fort Worth Water Gardens and ended up sitting by that famous fountain seen in the movie "Logan's Run". Being a Texas winter, it had been warm & sunny all day but turned chilly as the sun went down. She pulled her shawl up around her shoulders so I put my arms around her and she put her head on my shoulder.
NEVER in my life have I spent so much time actually talking to a girl. AND it was Meaningful talk, not just superficial patter. Never before in my life had I felt these confusing feelings and never before had I felt like I actually WANTED to marry one specific person. She was IT. In the 20 years since I have not felt anything so intense or so seemingly true.
Since it was getting colder quickly, we went back to the house she shared with another med-school student who had apparently already left for winter break. She cooked something & this was my first experience with tofu. I didn't like it but there was no way I was going to tell her that tonight. To make this story "G" rated I'll just say there was a lot of kissing etc etc etc etc (adults can guess the rest). Looking back, when I hear someone use the word "romantic" I remember that night. This is my only frame of reference for that word. I was, at that time, absolutely convinced that she felt the same way about me that I felt about her. With 20/20 hindsight I now wish I had actually asked her if she did. Apparently, I've always felt that "there will always be another chance tomorrow" & tonight all I have to do is live in the now moment. After all, it was an awesome moment.
She was gone for a couple of weeks but back in time for the Spring semester. Our little "group therapy" circle was only about a half dozen people by now but we resumed where we left off. I've always been excrutiatingly introverted and never talked about what was going on inside of my head. In these sessions it wasn't much different. There was SOME difference as over the months we had grown closer & I actually felt I trusted this circle of folks but had never gotten in the habit of talking about my sh!t. In effect, talking about my inner baggage was an alien experience & I was only barely starting to learn how. This lovely little lady with whom I had fallen head over heels in love, revealed in one of these sessions that she had been a rape victim and apparently had undergone a lot of theraputic sessions and seemed to have no problem talking about this trauma as if it was long ago & far away.
In 20/20 hindsight I realize that I should have engineered an opportunity to talk to her in private & ask her how she felt about the night we had spent together in the context of this information that she had never revealed before. I mean, it's a life changing experience for a woman and they never get over it, just learn to live with the bad memories. I know that now; I didn't really understand it then. Most importantly, I didn't want to be part of her bad memories. I wanted to be part of her future & build my entire life around hers. Unfortunately, this was another one of those things that I kept thinking there will always be tomorrow & we can talk about it then. Right now is so pleasant, why bring up sad things?
Late in the spring she told me that she would be going to Denver after graduation for internship & residency at a hospital there. I told here I wasn't a big fan of snow but I'll get used to it just to be with her. My memory isn't perfect but I believe that by that time I had made it clear that I wanted spend the rest of my life with her. Now I was making it clear that I would uproot and follow her. She started telling me how internship involves practically living in the hospital nearly 24hr/7days for a year or two or three & residency wasn't much better. Her final word on the subject was "It wouldn't be fair to you. You expect a relationship and I won't be available."
I've always been the kind of guy that when a girl says "no" she means "no". When a girl says she doesn't want to go out with me then she isn't going to change her mind. When I'm told I can't have something I accept that as gospel and I can't have what I want or think I need. I have never "fought" for anything. I have never had the backbone to stand up for what I thought was right. I let her go.
I went to her graduation & met her parents and there was a graduation party at the house. When it was time to go she walked out to the car with me and told me "Some day we can be together; maybe not in this lifetime, but someday, somewhere, somehow." That was the last time I talked to her in person and she then went back to her hometown to prepare for her new life.
Then I got a letter from her. It was very angry and accusatory. Basically, she accused me of everything short of rape. Lots of crying words like "How could you take advantage of me like that?" etc. Even then I understood that she was just dealing with her own demons & I think I made that clear when I wrote a letter back. I THINK I must have said something about my impression that she loved me as much as I loved her and she certainly gave me the impression that she had not been coerced to do anything she didn't want to do. My memory isn't so good for unpleasant things, so I'm not certain what I said, if I said all the wrong things or all the right things in a vague, unclear way. I absolutely SUCK at communication. The internet is the only place on this planet where my communication skills are anything more than terrible. The upshot of it is that she only wrote one more letter and didn't answer any more of mine.
Fast forward 20 years almost exactly. I have heard of such organizations as Doctors Without Borders & I always figured that was the kind of place she would end up. One day I was bored, lonely & wondering whatever happened to my life that I just let it go by without making much effort to accomplish anything worthwhile. I called up Google and typed her name in. Probably the stupidest damned thing I could have done.
After a few false starts I found the curriculum vitae page for the "Acting Medical Director" for a clinic in California, near her hometown. As soon as the page came up I recognized her picture. It was a crappy picture, poor resolution, but I knew that smile instantly. I found an email address with her name so I dropped a line "Are you the {name} that I knew in Dallas/FortWorth about 20 years ago? If not just delete this email & I apologize for disturbing you."
What followed was a few messages in which I articulated that I've never found anyone like her in all the intervening years and I felt the same today as I felt then. Her messages, by contrast, were polite but distant, lacking any indication that she had ever felt anything at all for me. In fact, I got the distinct impression that she had erased all memories of the time we had spent together. Early on, I had told her that if she wasn't interested in having me even as a friend, then she could simply delete my emails & stop responding. That's what happened.
Since then I've been ripping my heart out, wondering what I did wrong or if it wasn't me, it was just her own demons that she couldn't deal with except by wiping them from her memory. I've been wondering if there was something I could have said but didn't, or if I said too much too soon. I've been obsessing with wondering what might have been, maybe if I had insisted on keeping in touch with her over those years. I started losing sleep over this and have now gotten myself into some counseling sessions.
There is absolutely nothing in my life I regret the way I regret losing her. It feels like life without here is not worth living, but I recognize that I have no choice. It's no longer my decision to make. I've done all I can or all I know how. Except to say goodbye & wish her a good life.
20 Jul 2009, 3:32 pm
