Nice Guys and Love, what's your take on the issue

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To be honest I think this thread is totally pointless.
What good is a thread like this for people who are nice, confused, or young? I like nice people.
This thread just incites arguments and probably doesn't do much good for people who are naturally in that nice category, which need not carry any stigma... people are people... let's not categorize everything.
What exactly is the goal of this thread any way? All I see is arguments, bickering and attacks on people's character.

I'm 15, but I'd consider myself a "Nice Guy." The thing is, I've made some discoveries.

Just because you're "Not bad" doesn't mean you stand out, or that you're special in some way. And that words really do fall in the shadow of actions, so even if you say how "good" you are, other people may judge differently based on what you do. So I'm trying a different approach, if only slightly. I'm not going to explain how I'm "not a drinker, not a smoker, I dislike curse words, I'm NOT going to abandon you, I'm NOT going to cheat". I'm going to show them how I can be special, in my own way.

Hopefully I actually get a chance first.

Internet much? Immature people are immature.

But seriously, I don't think that people see the difference between Nice Guys (TM), and nice guys. Be nice, fine, but don't pretend that wanting sex but not mentioning it makes you nice. You can't pay for sex with good deeds; if you want to pay for sex, pay with cash. If you want a romantic relationship, you'll need to do something exciting. I don't mean to advocate stupid behavior, if that doesn't fit your personality, but what's sex without risk?

If you disagree, then read up on some criticism of Nice Guys (TM), and honestly assess whether niceness or cowardice or passive-agression has gotten you Friendzoned.

"Nice" guys are not really nice. And this is coming from a long time nice guy. Nice guys are looking for external validation, they are making her make the decisions, they are trying to take love and comfort from her instead of providing love and comfort, and the list can go on.

The thing is, women are going to see right through it, because they can sense the neediness a mile a way. The nice guy is not providing her anything. They are making them do more work instead of setting them free.

It is all about motivation. Is teh nice guy doing something nice because he is truly nice, or because he wants something in return. You do not have to be a bad boy, you can be nice. But you have to be your own person doing the things you want to do and not be a doormat to the whims of the woman. You won't get any woman in this way, but the one you do connect with will be on a deeper level.

And how ... pray tell ... do we connect on a "deeper level"
if every possible action can take can be dismissed as motivated by selfish reasons?

Being selfish is not the problem. Most "bad boys" are incredibly selfish and do only what they want. Yet women still go for them.

You cannot be "needy" or clingy. You can not expect your partner to be your emotional foundation that cracks the first time she slooks at you funny.

Connecting on a deeper level is not some crazy spiritual thing, but simply doing what you want to do and finding someone connects with you there. Finding someone who totally accepts who you are.

I just feel that this thread is simplistic, and doesn't look kindly and openly to the idea of people who have a certain style of emotions, i.e. the person being a nice guy, the person I'm trying to stand up for in this thread.
I don't like this whole feel of competition... it seems people are placing certain descriptions of people into boxes, and it makes it feel kind of warped, in my view.

This thread is causing me quite a lot of anxiety at the moment, so it's best if I avoid it.

It is perfectly acceptable to be a truly nice person Samtoo. Generally speaking if you are "truly" a nice person who gives of yourself emotionally without ever expecting anything in return who is also not a doormat, many times people get drawn to you like flies. The term nice guy though generally refers to the guy who thinks he is nice, but may actually be conforming to the desires of others, and probably doing nice things for something in return (validation, sex, to be liked, etc, etc). This person can be an emotional vampire, because they steal the energy from other people. They usually (not always) blame others for their bad feelings and generally do not take responsibility for themselves emotionally.

If you are truly a nice person though, please be that person, be who you are. Because faking being bad is almost as bad as being nice for favors. People who this giving of themselves are very, very rare Mother Theresa type figures. Only you can look in your own heart though and determine if you are motivated from true love and care, or simply trying to do tit for tat.

edit: I used to be the emotional vampire version of a "nice guy." I feel shame for that part of my life and realizing now how I was actually treating people.

Not exactly the most encourageing forum. I cant seem to be anything but nice, and not a single girlfriend. ever... f**k man.
its not like i didint try. i lost track of just how many women ive asked out. eather instant rejection or they atleast try to consider it but give the cold treatment s**t later. like they cant just say no? eventualy i get that shes obviously not intrested but it takes me for f*****g ever to figure it out if they dont say anything. i know im not ugly. but i gess if your nice than average looks dont realy cut it,you know? at this point im not realy sure what to do. do i accept the chance that thers just somthing tribly wrong with me and stop trying? its not that im scared of rejection anymore but im just tired of it. would i get more luck in this subject if i just alow myself to turn into a total as*hole? i didint realy read every post cuz thats just so much reading material that i dont have the focus for, but so far most of what i read totaly sucks for me. Not only all of that negativity but allso i dont understand why i even care. i just wana figure out what spot in my head makes me crave this kinda of interaction so i can scoop it out of my head and be rid of it. sounds better than turning into an as*hole.

You ... scooped the words right out my head.
I've often wished to abolish my own desires (those which are impossible to fulfill),
but I've never thought to describe it in that particular way.

Hi, new guy here, in case you are wondering who I am, I am a college student that has AS and majoring in psych/pre-med. Currently I am thinking about either psychiatry and neurology for a profession and my main influence is from my sister, who just got out of medical school herself. I joined here because I was wanting to see what I had in common with peers who had AS and maybe help those out who are having problems like I did when I was growing up.

Intro aside, I do have a girlfriend (we've been going out for over a year now.)and no you don't need to be a jerk to be a boyfriend.

Here is how I did it.

Don't look for a girlfriend.

Really, that's all I did. The reason why this works is because when you do this you are not looking for a girl based on looks. Every guy does this, it's natural and the problem with it is because you are prioritizing looks and sexual appeal over interests and personality. I got rejected 8 TIMES before I got a girlfriend and they all told me we had nothing in common, and they were right.

When you don't look for a girlfriend, you don't care what gender your friends are, all you try to do is find a guy or girl with similar interests to you and you hang out and do stuff. It makes you happier, it gives you practice socializing and your confidence will skyrocket. You don't need a girl to succeed in life, in fact I was happy for a bit thinking I would single for the rest of my life because I didn't have leave the toilet seat down. And if you are worried about being not confident enough with women, treat them like you would treat a guy friend (with a little more respect of course,) and that will be all the confidence you will need.

Nice guys don't finish last, they finish first if they know how to play the system. A lot of guys who go for chicks for sexual appeal will get screwed badly in a vast majority of cases. You DO NOT want an emotionally unstable chick who thinks she is the queen of everything; you'd be better off single, trust me.

Somebody once said you will find love in the least likely places and I believe this completely. Don't care until you have a friend who is a girl and is giving you obvious signals that she likes you.

This is VERY true.

My grandmother is an actual nice person. And people will not leave her alone.
She has fans like a celebrity.
And she meets new people and they are drawn to her.

And my cousin who just died.
He was just a really kindhearted guy.
Women flocked to him in droves even after he was married.

What constitutes a nice guy?

Because if you're just some guy who whines and complains about what or whom a girl should be attracted to, then you're not a nice guy. Rather, you're just a douchebag except you lack the means to socialize it, you douche . Objectifying a woman into an idealized image and then trying to decide for her shows that you're more possessive than nice.

That being said, there are a lot of dumb people out there who should make much more responsible decisions when it comes to love. But then again, you can't be wise and in love at the same time.

I think a true nice guy would be able to get whatever he wants. Sure, he might struggle and fail a few times but he doesn't let it bother him because he is understanding and caring that he lets the girl choose for herself. Better to let someone love you for who you are than for who you pretend to be. See? Because the true nice guy is honest with himself and comfortable with himself. In his genuineness, he gains more respect from everyone around him. Thus, when he isn't able to get the girl, he respects her and goes after someone else. There are plenty of compatible people out there.

I have never had a relationship with a decent person.

All I want from a man is someone who likes me... As I love unconditionally.

Someone who wants to be with me and does not confuse the words love/hate.

I'm currently getting ready to divorce a very outgoing "bad boy" after being married to him for 20 years. Tired of his crap, and the world always has to revolve around HIM. Being an aspie myself, I have always drawn extremely outgoing NT guys and every last one of them eventually began to treat me like crap. So, I'm in the process of filing for divorce and I begin to notice this really sweet & good-looking guy who lives in my building. He is extremely shy around women (seems to talk to men OK) and is bashful around me. I've said "hi" to him a couple of times and not sure if he's AS or not, but has a lot of the same traits. He's very introverted but has recently been making some attempts to talk to me as of late (long story), but because I'm extremely shy myself, this exchange has been rather excruciating for both of us. Not to mention, I still live with my husband, and even though everyone in the building knows we're in a rocky marriage (my husband's quite the talker), so this is an issue as well. I'm planning on making more of an effort to talk to this man in question once I get my divorce rolling and move out, but I doubt he'll wait that long. Still, I really like him and since he's managed to be attracted to me and made it known in small ways since May (approximately), there's a chance he might wait for me. I've never dated a really shy man before and I can see with both of us being very withdrawn that there will be some pretty significant communication problems. However, like I said, I really like him. I just don't know how to tell him. I'm ready to meet a nice guy, though. I'm tired of being treated like a piece of furniture.

I disagree, though it depends what you mean by "nice". A girl who feels deep love, who is genuinely fascinated by other's strengths, and/or who sees everyone as a beautiful soul can be very attractive. Especially the shy, mysterious types, they are very alluring, but maybe that's just because I love creative minds.

Though there is the "closet nun" or "goody two-shoes" type that is really not sexy. These women are trying deliberately to cultivate a stereotypical "good girl" image, which includes sexual purity and acts of kindness that are often formal or superficial.

Also, for some of the latter, acting "good" takes the place of challenging themselves. I think it's safe to say that nearly any woman who rarely challenges herself will lack sex appeal. This can take many forms, i.e. even a woman with "no life" in the stereotypical sense can still have a passion for something and push herself to develop in that area. And it can even take the form of "niceness", if a woman has a very resilient heart and works to hold everything together even when others are falling apart. Especially, in fact, because I greatly lack this skill.

I think a lot of the problem is that women in particular tend to see sex as something inherently "un-nice", and something that has to be bought from them, or that they have to be tricked into. This means that a lot of us guys have experiences where girls who act just plain nice to us, like they do to their best girl friends, don't end up wanting sex. But the rare one who DOES is incredibly sexy, because she is likely to feel the freedom to totally be herself!



Yes, I can definitely be attracted to the complementary, highly social women. Though the gossipy type of social woman, who is generally the least nice, is also the least attractive. The "babysitter" or "big sister" type, who looks after everyone socially, is much sexier.