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you guys need to go to parties/bars/clubs

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Eggman
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04 Dec 2009, 3:45 pm

no we dont


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RoadWarrior7
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05 Dec 2009, 6:26 am

What's the point of spending money where we have to shout in order to be heard? The women I would meet there are too superficial for my tastes anyway. Bookstores are not good for me because I don't like to be seen as a stalker...especially by store employees. My usual rule when entering a store is to grab my purchases, pay for them, and get the he** out of there. There has to a better way for us Aspie guys to meet quality women who understand and accept us for who we really are.

Besides, even being in a place (bar, club, party, etc.) where alcohol, drugs, or loud music is present is very discomforting for me.


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05 Dec 2009, 10:45 am

HopeGrows wrote:
So find a purpose in life. There are plenty of ways to help people, animals, the environment, etc.
Helping others, animals, and the environment is all good work, I'm not going to deny that. And I engage in a lot of that through my church. But while the work is at least temporarily fulfilling, it doesn't make me feel like people appreciate the fact that I'm there... I feel as though I have to work constantly harder and harder just so people don't take me for granted. And it's really taking its toll on me as a person.

That's why I need a relationship. It's hard work to start out with, sure, but it doesn't get exponentially harder as time goes on...



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05 Dec 2009, 5:08 pm

roadGames wrote:
I know you all hate the idea, and I used to be terrified of gigantic groups of strangers talking to each other, but really they are the perfect place to hone your socializing abilities. Make friends with some more extroverted nerds or look for a wingman group on the internet, and things will change. Let's say you do make an ass out of yourself or get rejected by some girl, do you think she's going to remember it tomorrow? Probably not, because you're one of 20 or so guys that approached her that night if she's even barely decent looking.

Sure, at a bar or club, you are not likely to find that cute INTP girl we all want to date. However, once you do meet her at work or school, talking to her and getting her interested in you is going to be a piece of cake because you've had some success in what are easily the most competitive environments for meeting women. Girls want fun, confident guys (yes, that's a very loaded word), even the asperger's or INTP girls. They'll deny it all they want, but it's true.

In the last 4 weeks of doing this, I've probably approached more women than I have in my entire life before then, been rejected/sabotaged initial attraction more times than I care to count (I used to think this was a big deal, ahahaha), and gotten more numbers and dates than I've had in my entire life. I actually broke a girl's heart last week by not calling her, and she's been whining to her friend who relayed the message back to me. It's not that I take pride in being called a heartbreaker, but it's just something so bizarre and alien to me. I didn't think I had that capability as an autistic.

It's also a tad bit depressing to realize all the really cool women you could've hooked up with but didn't because you totally missed all of the signals. At the same time it's a bit empowering, too. Probably the most crucial thing I've learned is that you MUST watch the eyes, even if you don't know what it means now, you will learn eventually.

Guys, joining a wingman group will save your life and you won't need to be posting here anymore attempting to analyze the BS language or behavior of some girl who "friend zoned" you.

There are two related but separate issues in the OP's post:

1. using parties/bars/clubs to obtain and practice social skills
2. using parties/bars/clubs as a vehicle for getting dates

and while I would totally agree and support the premise of #1 in that it would help everybody here to have and practice social skills, I think #2 is largely dependent on the person, and using parties/bars/clubs to get dates won't work for everybody. The fact is, although you may find people of all types using parties/bars/clubs to practice social skills from time to time, the majority of people in those environments are going to be those people who spend the most time in those environments, because they flourish in parties/bars/clubs. Parties/bars/clubs attract certain types of people whom you simply might not be interested in for long-term relationships, but it's useful to learn how to talk to people you aren't all that interested in. If you want to get dates with less extroverted people, it would make more sense to go to social events which target less extroverted people, right? Events which cater to smaller groups that are more activity-based (I personally like hiking and nature appreciation stuff) can give you some exercise while you're at it too. While going to hypersocial locales like parties/bars/clubs is great as a sort of stress testing for your social skills, it's not critical to keep doing that if your social skills are up to snuff and you're confident in them.


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ToadOfSteel
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05 Dec 2009, 5:29 pm

^About finding activities that align with your interests: I go to a few computer shows each year, and they're usually swamped with men (with an even greater gender imbalance than my school). The few women there are usually there with their husbands (or are much older than I am).

People keep suggesting nature hikes to me, but that would never work for me as I am apiphobic (fear of bees). I've gone to a few art shows before, but I was usually bored to hell inside of 15 minutes.

Other than that, if there was a chorus in the area that wasn't so time-demanding, I would try and join that, but with so much of my time dedicated to the church, I don't have such time available...



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05 Dec 2009, 5:54 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
^About finding activities that align with your interests: I go to a few computer shows each year, and they're usually swamped with men (with an even greater gender imbalance than my school). The few women there are usually there with their husbands (or are much older than I am).

You could make friends with the men in your age or interest range; you never know, they might have a sister, or cousin, that is female, that they could introduce you to!

ToadOfSteel wrote:
People keep suggesting nature hikes to me, but that would never work for me as I am apiphobic (fear of bees). I've gone to a few art shows before, but I was usually bored to hell inside of 15 minutes.

Bees are not out year around, I think.

Opportunity abounds where we least expect it. :)


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05 Dec 2009, 6:48 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
^About finding activities that align with your interests: I go to a few computer shows each year, and they're usually swamped with men (with an even greater gender imbalance than my school). The few women there are usually there with their husbands (or are much older than I am).

People keep suggesting nature hikes to me, but that would never work for me as I am apiphobic (fear of bees). I've gone to a few art shows before, but I was usually bored to hell inside of 15 minutes.

Other than that, if there was a chorus in the area that wasn't so time-demanding, I would try and join that, but with so much of my time dedicated to the church, I don't have such time available...

Other than the bees, do you like nature? Winter approaches and snow will be coming soon. You'll see very few bugs out and about, if any at all, as hartzofspace is alluding to.

Maybe you just need to do something else for a while, to get your mind off things and get a fresh start. Something not related to your church, though, since it seriously looks like your dependence on the church is a big crutch that is really hurting you in the long term.


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07 Dec 2009, 3:07 am

heh, the bars round here are all biker bars i enjoy so meh, whatever. For me a bar isnt bout meeting people, it is about enjoying the brewskis :P


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Eggman
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07 Dec 2009, 3:32 am

Meh I dont need this


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makuranososhi
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07 Dec 2009, 10:08 am

This is the Love and Dating forum, not the Adult Issues Forum - please post appropriately.


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07 Dec 2009, 10:16 am

makuranososhi wrote:
This is the Love and Dating forum, not the Adult Issues Forum - please post appropriately.


M.


Yes...



ToadOfSteel
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07 Dec 2009, 10:29 am

Stinkypuppy wrote:
Other than the bees, do you like nature? Winter approaches and snow will be coming soon. You'll see very few bugs out and about, if any at all, as hartzofspace is alluding to.

I would love to be able to do that. Unfortunately, most women in the NJ area are summer people. They're all about going down the shore and getting tanned and being able to wear bikinis and all that...

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Maybe you just need to do something else for a while, to get your mind off things and get a fresh start. Something not related to your church, though, since it seriously looks like your dependence on the church is a big crutch that is really hurting you in the long term.
But it's also the only place I get accepted for who I am, aspie and all. I've never been in any other group that I've had to hide my AS for fear that it would result in my ostracism.



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07 Dec 2009, 2:05 pm

toad, your not too far away from the skii areas in PA i am guessing, since your in NJ correct?. Maybe you can go to one of the skii areas, since I know they do get crowded. You might meet someone, who knows.


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27 Jan 2010, 10:18 pm

roadGames wrote:
I know you all hate the idea, and I used to be terrified of gigantic groups of strangers talking to each other, but really they are the perfect place to hone your socializing abilities. Make friends with some more extroverted nerds or look for a wingman group on the internet, and things will change. Let's say you do make an ass out of yourself or get rejected by some girl, do you think she's going to remember it tomorrow? Probably not, because you're one of 20 or so guys that approached her that night if she's even barely decent looking.

Sure, at a bar or club, you are not likely to find that cute INTP girl we all want to date. However, once you do meet her at work or school, talking to her and getting her interested in you is going to be a piece of cake because you've had some success in what are easily the most competitive environments for meeting women. Girls want fun, confident guys (yes, that's a very loaded word), even the asperger's or INTP girls. They'll deny it all they want, but it's true.

In the last 4 weeks of doing this, I've probably approached more women than I have in my entire life before then, been rejected/sabotaged initial attraction more times than I care to count (I used to think this was a big deal, ahahaha), and gotten more numbers and dates than I've had in my entire life. I actually broke a girl's heart last week by not calling her, and she's been whining to her friend who relayed the message back to me. It's not that I take pride in being called a heartbreaker, but it's just something so bizarre and alien to me. I didn't think I had that capability as an autistic.

It's also a tad bit depressing to realize all the really cool women you could've hooked up with but didn't because you totally missed all of the signals. At the same time it's a bit empowering, too. Probably the most crucial thing I've learned is that you MUST watch the eyes, even if you don't know what it means now, you will learn eventually.

Guys, joining a wingman group will save your life and you won't need to be posting here anymore attempting to analyze the BS language or behavior of some girl who "friend zoned" you.


No Thanks,

If I am going to socialize then it is going to be an alcohol-free environment.



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27 Jan 2010, 10:26 pm

Not this thread again. It's funny, though, I was just discussing with a woman that I'm a virgin in part because I don't like the bar/club/party scene and want the woman I have sex with to be sober and to cuddle and talk afterward...she recommended a hooker. What don't women get about the fact that guys want a real woman, not someone going through the motions for 300 dollars an hour?



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27 Jan 2010, 11:10 pm

therange wrote:
Not this thread again. It's funny, though, I was just discussing with a woman that I'm a virgin in part because I don't like the bar/club/party scene and want the woman I have sex with to be sober and to cuddle and talk afterward...she recommended a hooker. What don't women get about the fact that guys want a real woman, not someone going through the motions for 300 dollars an hour?


not to mention the risk of STD? I swear sometimes the crimes against prostitutes is just Karma striking them down.


And round here the bars and clubs and stuff? Its manly man/biker land. I suck at keg stands though...


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