Polyamory

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I am poly... it is NOT for everyone... or most... very few, really...

It is little work as long as you have the right people...

I am polyamorous. I know this simply because I have had romantic feelings for more than one person at once, and for some reason I was not overwhelmed or frightened by the prospect. I handled it quite well. Granted, one person was (is) my boyfriend of about 2,5 years, but still. It didn't feel wrong, or like it was "too much." I was surprised by that! Normally even little interpersonal things freak me out.

I have not, however, been in a polyamorous relationship. My feelings for the other person have faded, and I realized I was mistaking physical attraction for romantic longing. That doesn't stop me from wanting to be with her, though.

On a similar note, I really hope my boyfriend meets someone at uni. He's pretty far from me and we don't see each other often. I also don't understand how he tolerates me. It's great that he loves being with me, but I really hope he finds someone who can take his mind off me now and then...he needs at least two people in order to equally distribute the amount of affection he has. He'd like that imagery...he's an engineer...but he can be a little smothering. It'd be better...more fun...easier to manage with someone else in the picture. Or two more. I don't know. I just know I don't want to be exclusive!

I was going to post and ask if anyone here is poly, then I remembered to search, but this is an old thread so I'm not sure if the poly people posting here are still around. I've been married for 17 years and have had a boyfriend as well for the last 6 (who lives in another state). This is actually the first time I've ever posted that online! Wow, feels weird... My issues definitely complicate things and my husband and boyfriend both have thier own issues as well. We make it work, but boy is it complicated at times. Just looking for other people in the same boat.

I am 110% monogamous.

A number of personal codes I subscribe to say I should make an effort to show love to everyone but when I'm intimately involved at all I belong to ONE person because I think honesty is a major part of that ethic. I don't rule it out entirely although I just know one person patient enough with my shyness to ever consider multiple GFs.

tl;dr: I'm probably 108% monogamous.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

@rdos - Go away. I place zero value in your opinions. Please.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

No. I agreed with another poster & have nothing to do with you. Quantify your own life, I'm off limits. Insolence is rude, particularly if coming from guys, so I'm not looking for any preponderance of excess dudes in my life. It's not my problem you feel a need to prove something but I'm just not seeing it. Honestly who am I really? Are you in the habit of such presumption? Sociology only helps people when the sociologists have manners.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

i can be and have been in polyamorous relationships. i find it very natural, however, i don't tolerate certain versions of polyamory. honesty, full disclosure, safety, and most importantly--mutual appreciation of the poly relationship, is a must.

polyamory is not an excuse to be a manipulative, unaccommodating, jerkwad. as some others have mentioned in this thread, it is possible to cheat in a poly arrangement.
it is much less clearly defined than monogamy, and that means it requires more communication about feelings and boundaries and such to be effective. i don't mind that, and i think it has served my past poly relationships well to be so open. what works for some people doesn't work for others and what works for some people can also change over time.

Seaweed, exactly! In some ways it almost needs more honesty than monogamy to work and so much communication! Cheating is cheating no matter what the relationship.

I have been thinking about this a lot. I nearly got pulled into a open relationship and realized that it was for the wrong reasons, wife didn't like sex. Turns out that sex is my love language and tied deeply to my emotions, and that I only want sex with a person I want to bond with.

So now I have been seperated for 8 months and I am getting counciling but still struggling with the abuse I suffered. I am new to my diagnosis, but now I get why the concept of polyamory is very upsetting to me. I have realized no other men is a hard rule for me. I want to be treated as an equal by any future woman, problem is I feel all I will find is poly woman. That fear is irrational as this is a rare life style according to the Kinsey institute (0.5% of people).

Yet strangely I am open to her having a girlfriend, it would push my limits but it could maybe happen.

Oh wow, this is such a blast from the past! I had no idea I had even subscribed to notifications on this topic until I got the emails. I must have signed up ages ago when I had a strong curiosity about polyamory but was in a long-term monogamous relationship.

I have been very fortunate since then to be able to embark on a personal journey of exploring polyamory for the past 1.5 years. It has been an exciting, interesting and eye opening experience, with some low points and heartbreaks thrown in, but I guess that is part of any form of romantic and sexual dating.

From a fairly young age, I have always been the sort that unintentionally stands out from the crowd and goes against the norm. I find myself questioning 'conventions' and social rules, preferring to think deeply and analyse why we do the things we do and whether we *should* do them or not. My conscience and sense of what 'feels right and fair and logical' can sometime come into conflict with traditions and society's unspoken expectation of 'this is just how we do things'.
I suspect I am somewhere on the autism spectrum and aspects of this impacts on my relationships.

I felt stifled in monogamy. I found conventional relationships and dating such a minefield with so many unspoken expectations and social pressures to follow a 'one size fits all script' whether it makes you feel happy and fulfilled or not.

Non-monogamy is a wide and varied umbrella, with polyamory a subset of it. Even within polyamory, there are so many different ways to structure relationships based on our individual needs and desires. Humans are creative and imaginative, so it is no surprise that human relationships over the millennia come in all sorts of flavours.

For those who might be interested, this page provides a good summary and overview of the various concepts and types of non-monogamous and polyamorous relationships. The Coffee Break Primer on Polyamory

I tend to strongly identify as 'solo poly' and I strive to be as egalitarian in my romantic relationships as possible. There are also probably elements of 'relationship anarchy' in some of my connections with people.

The best poly resource so far is the More Than Two website.
It covers lots of topics such as handling jealousy, when one partner is polyamorous and the other is monogamous etc. Of course the info in there isn't gospel and people can explore what works for them individually, but it is a good starting point for discussion with partners.

As someone who is quite inclined towards solo poly and questioning cultural norms on love, dating, romance, commitment etc, I find it fascinating to explore info on sites like Stepping off the Relationship Escalator.
I really like the author as she has written a lot of stuff on alternatives to monogamy and even critiques aspects of polyamory, as a lot of monogamous ideas and baggage can get carried over into polyamorous relationships.

So far, polyamory seems to work for me better than monogamy. I can be completely open and honest with partners about my feelings, desires, expectations, needs etc and they can do the same. Since there is no standard script or template for ethical non-monogamy, there is a greater need for communication with one another. Assumptions only lead to unnecessary complications. We try to be loving, understanding and patient with one another just like in monogamous relationships, and like all frail humans, we sometimes make mistakes and aren't perfect. No one 'owns' another person's body or their feelings or their time simply because they are in a relationship with each other or said 'I love you'. I am free to share my romantic and sexual feelings with different people and my partners have the same freedoms.

I enjoy a lot of alone time and my own company as an introvert. I struggled with 5 years of cohabitation when I was in a monogamous relationship because all the social conditioning for relationships indicated that moving in with a romantic partner was what was expected of me. I never knew I could do things differently. I have come to realise I really prefer to live by myself as it allows me to organise my life the way I want and to be more in control of my living routines and schedules.

As a feminist, I love the fact that the men who wish to date me have to understand that equality is an inherent component of the kind of polyamory that I practice - if they get to sleep with other women, then I get to sleep with other men. No double standards. If women can learn to deal with their insecurities and egos when their male partners are sleeping with other women, then men can learn to do the same when their female partners sleep with other men. I have faith in their capability!

I find polyamory encourages me to engage in personal growth. This is not always easy and it is not meant to be. It forces me to confront insecurities, biases and work on making myself a better person to my partners. I expect them to do the emotional work for themselves as well.

Whether monogamous or polyamorous, finding good connections, compatibility and long-term relationships take patience, good communication and mutual respect. These skills have to be cultivated over time and by learning from mistakes. Polyamory is certainly not for everyone. And that is ok. Monogamy certainly isn't for everyone either.
We all want to be loved and find happiness in our brief time on this planet. It is down to use to find the path that suits us best.

Hope my rambling is useful to someone out there contemplating polyamory.