Intellectual compatibility = utimate AS hurdle in dating?

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meh

Don't beat yourself up, sunshower, I think he's using the word "elitist" incorrectly here. To me, "elitist" would imply that you purposely exclude people, when I know (or think I know) that you're talking about a much more visceral reaction, attraction-wise. I am so glad you started this thread because I've beat myself up over this phenomenon forever. I identify with all you respondents in the same vein, especially NauticalCa. I'm at the same intellectual level as he (are there many of us on this board that aren't?), and I recognize you just can't force your attraction to occur, no matter how much time you give it. I wish it weren't so. I think I'd have boyfriends if it were possible.

Mostly, I think we're just unusual, the very far end of a bell curve, but I also think this time in history holds the most opportunities for us. I'm the *worst* and the most hopeless when it comes to developing relationships, and even I have two children. (just using that as a proxy for "mating success", I don't mean to imply that that's how everyone should measure it)

But that's just it: you got some intellectual stimulation out of it. I don't care, for the most part, what someone believes, as long as they can discuss it rationally and especially as long as they are respectful of opinions that are not their own. Oh, and



Says who, exactly? I need a meeting of minds as much as I need the other stuff. And you may be talking to a bunch of people who don't "feel" using the same pathways that you do. Right?

^ this.

it would be sad to waste genius genes....

WHAT? I don't wanna rest noooo nooooo! I want to TALK and Argue and TAlk And Taaaaa-
<--- *faints*

Yes, you are right.

And, you are also right in your opinion about looking further afield.

After all, I will have to find someone quite dumb to fall for some of the s%&t I come out with sometimes. Boo.

Me too. I had the same idea in my late twenties - perhaps outright intelligence was a factor to explore, even though it went against my belief that tests do not define people. It was a pleasant enough experience, although disappointing overall, and I did actually find the elitism there unwarranted. I really don't think IQ equates to open-thinking, and if anything, I would say that the greater the self-importance, the more closed-minded a person becomes.

Boo, I think your assumption of elitism is misplaced. It isn't about choice, and it isn't about people not being good enough. It's a question of what the elusive factor is that makes people 'connect', and why, for some of us, it is so rare as to be almost non-existent. And I totally agree with the points about not even recognising your own feelings - that is not something which can be easily counteracted, mind-blindness is a real problem.

Just like every other 'thing' that comes up with AS, if the same situation is experienced by others, then maybe the assumptions we have each made individually are based on too little, or the wrong, information. Is it just rarity, or is it another impact of AS?


I think Gromit has a good point here. It must be mutual.

Perhaps we do not trigger that mutuality in others. In fact this could be a common problem for people generally - that everyone holds back until they feel they might be accepted. It's wrong to assume that most people are more confident and self-assured than we are - when it comes to potential relationships, most people become acutely aware of their own 'deficits'.

Not recognising another's interest is definitely a problem, and the only way to approach that differently is to decide that it might be there, rather than assume it isn't. If someone choses to spend time with you, it is probable that they like you, but they may be hoping to get some indication that you like them.

Almost all of us have been 'misunderstood', so there is a very good chance that even if we are interested in someone else, it doesn't show. Gromit said 'the caring may be easy' - but showing it might not be. If we want to have more potential to connect with other people then perhaps we need to make a point of telling people when we have enjoyed their company - just in case they did not realise, due to odd body language and facial expressions! Perhaps we assume too much about how we are perceived, and forget how 'unreadable' we can be.

Hmm ... love is whatever it turns out to be, if you come across it; defining it doesn't make it easier to find. Who knows what other people mean when they describe their feelings and emotions, it could just be another way of describing the same thing, from a alternative viewpoint.

Sorry I haven't responded until now -- I've been crazy busy and I only just got a chance to respond.

Some general points here, sunshower:

1) I agree with mv -- I don't think it is elitist to want certain characteristics in a mate at all. Just to clarify, elitism is more about arbitrary traits than ambiguous, complicated ones. For example, someone is elitist if they won't even consider seeing someone without a university degree, or if they don't earn a certain amount of money. Wanting an intelligent partner is not elitist; it's an essential desire to have. No one should ever apologize for wanting an intelligent partner. It doesn't make someone elitist to want that in someone. If we want to reduce it down to evolutionary terms, you should *want* a partner with smarts -- it's good for you and your genetic heritage. Good looks may indicate health and fertility -- that's why we're attracted to it -- but it has a limited shelf life in terms of being at maximum appeal. It's much more elitist and small-minded to want someone based on traits that won't last. There's a reason why teenagers and early twentysomethings tend to be pretty exclusionary and idiotic at times when it comes to partners -- their perspectives are so small they base their assumptions on arbitrary characteristics.

2) I appreciate what you're saying about your sense of equity and like of all people making it hard to admit where you're coming from. I don't think you should feel bad about what you want, though. The fact is that, sure, everyone's equal, but there's a big difference between equality of peoples and preferred characteristics in people. It's not about saying a person is morally bad or morally good because they have X or Y traits. Morality has nothing to do with mate selection. It is a morally neutral act.

I freely admit, as a man, I have dated women that were attractive in a purely physical sense but had very little going on upstairs. I also admit that I was in it for the same reasons they were -- good sex. Does that make me shallow? In some ways, sure. Did I demand more out of some of them? Yes, I did. I wanted them to be better than they were because I felt the potential was there. Did it work out? No. Why? Because one of the greatest signs of intelligence is your willingness to recognize your own limitations and a desire to improve yourself. That's the key there: even if someone isn't a genius or knows Euclidian geometry off by heart, I respect someone as a potential partner more if I know there is a desire to *get* smarter than to stay where they are. I don't respect people who view themselves as finished products.

If there's one thing I've figured out is that no matter what people say about beautiful people having sex with other beautiful people, it's largely a crock: those people have limitations in ways that differ from intelligence, i.e. shallowness and superficiality. I've worked in the movie industry -- trust me, I know this is the case with a lot of people judged on their looks more often than not.

I wonder... would pairing two Asperger's people together give them a better chance at compatibility, or would it just make the relationship twice as awkward?

I'll bet sunshower would've gotten fewer IQ-related replies if she hadn't titled this "intellectual compatibility." I admit, when I first saw the title I thought it was going to be another "everyone is dumber than me" rant and I was ready to roll my eyes like it was nobody's business.

On a related note, it's apparent now that high IQ does NOT equal to excellent reading comprehension.

Depends on the folks. I think two self aware aspies can be a good match, being understanding of each other's quirks and foibles, and giving plenty of space and such.

This thread is great.

I am totally aware what sunshower means by "intellectual compatibility" , she's not just referring to IQ but also to mentality compatibility or whatsoever (but she doesn't deny that IQ is a part of it).

I don't believe this is a "primative brain" thing as hale_bopp described it.

Humans' brains didn't evolve to be attracted to 0.1% or 0.5% of the opposite sex , I can hardly believe this thing is "instinct" because "instinct" tells us to be attracted to a lot of people , not to 0.1% or even 1%.

Unless if sunshower and the other ladies who are like her have a different biological component that make them hard to be attracted to any of the 99% of men (in case they're hetero) , as if they are a different human subspecies.

Your problem might be a problem of belief and self-brainwashing , keep saying to yourself everyday "I am very unique, I am very unique , I am very unique..." thousands of times and you'll end up really believing yourself as a very unique gem, and you start failing to connect to any other person unless if you perceive him/her as "unique" as you.

The fairy tales and prince charming stories have the same effect on the girls since they're little.

But it is hard to undo this brainwashing effect since it became so implemented in your mind as if it's "instinct".

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 25 Sep 2010, 9:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

Do you have any facts to back this up? It sounds more like you're taking yourself as an example and basing everyone on that like the rest of us are wrong. I also don't think that most people aren't like this. People hook up too easily, and half the time they break up or get divorced because it's not a good match. Too many people settle for others that aren't a true match and they get nothing out of it in the long run except heart beak for one person or both. I don't see anything wrong with trying to avoid that.



I don't think thats it, really. I mean really really. It doesn't even go through peoples heads. Why would you even think that?