Break-up: Aspie style!!

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Hi badrobot - I was fortunate enough to know the reasons that my ex had for breaking up with me, as we had discussed it before in the relationship. That is not to say that I understood them or agreed with them, but at least I did know. Other people seem to have been left completely in the dark though.

However, even if the reasons are known, it is still very hard to be completely cut off from someone who has been such a major part of every day. Whatever difficulties we had, he was still my best friend and now suddenly he's not - it takes a while to get over that. I think the major thing that people seem to struggle with is the fact that their ex doesn't appear to have any trouble "getting over them" and it leaves them questioning what the relationship meant to their ex in the first place... That is what people have been trying to give reasons for...

Maggie xx

A lot of the men in this forum wonder the same thing when being rejected by a woman. They don't get straight answers either.

WeirdPig, I had to stop reading this thread after that post because I almost went off like that. I had to stop myself. I almost didn't.

I want to add my support for you here, though, in wanting those who cut off contact to know how those of us who have been cut off like that are hurt.

~Kate

surf maggie im sorry for you but hear this please, like theirs bad muslims in islam and bad christians in christianity and bad in everything there is also good, not all aspies including me would even think of hurting any good person like that by leaving them in that manner without reosan, it was in my opinion his own choice not linked to aspergers because he must be sick in the head so don't let the minority speak for the majority.
People on wp i ask you to stop always using a.s as an excuse anyone who would do what the guy did to surf maggie is a scum bag and will probbaly never find happiness as a result

peace

Thank you Jeddy.

Rest assured that people on here have helped me understand that while Aspergers might account for some of his actions, he may also have some problems of his own, and he has pushed away the one girl who wanted to take the time to help him. I am moving on to happier places without him

Maggie xx

good luck maggie

Kate, thanks for having my back once again. I think we're both coming to find that there are a lot of people going through the same thing as us. Maybe the tide might be starting to turn on the "dump and ditch" where the public starts to see the dumper as having some responsibility.

@Maggie

Sorry you've gone through this. I don't think his ditching you had anything directly to do with AS. He's troubled, but society is afraid to step in to even acknowledge that he has a responsibility. Society fears that it might interfere with his free will. But it's him taking responsibility that will help him.

I'm a bit lost after this comment. How is society supposed to make this guy care about your feelings? How is society supposed to make him miss you? Even if they had the power through peer pressure, since when do Aspie males care about what society thinks about them?

I wouldn't want a guy to stay with me because society made him feel he had to - one of the things I loved about my ex was that he was unique and lived life his own way. It is helpful though to understand why he behaved the way he did, especially now he is not in my life to explain himself.

Maggie xx

I recently went through something very similar to the OP and I have been tormenting myself for the last 2 months trying to figure out what happened. I tried to get him back by sending these terribly desperate emails and I know it was because my heart was broken. He always responded to my emails in a very business like way and after a few of these emails that never once inquired how I was doing I slowly started to understand that this was not the man for me (even though I know it his nature to be somewhat self absorbed and that the AS makes it difficult to experience or express empathy) Since our break up I have spent hours upon hours reading about AS and even more hours reading the forums on this site. I now have a deeper understanding of AS but I don't have anymore answers now than I did that night. The only thing I really do understand is that each day is getting easier and each day it is becoming more and more clear that we were not meant to be together. I think the most difficult lesson in this whole experience has been that sometimes there are no answers and you just have to move on towards the other great things that are out there waiting for you. I wish you much peace and love.

I hope that's not what I'm specifically suggesting. I would just like to see people doing the breaking to take more responsibility in understand their feelings and how they affect the other person.

Unfortunately, I think there is often a lot of deep rooted shame. I suggest that society understand shame better and get it out in the open more, both good and bad shame (contrary to popular belief, there is good shame). I think if there was more open discussion, people would feel more comfortable about it. But because there is such a stigma to shame, people may even become ashamed of their own shame.

sounds to me like he has an advanced sense of self-awareness, coupled with the ability to hide emotions.

I've thought about these comments for a while now, and I find them profoundly disturbing. First, I think if you identify with these sentiments, you may have issues besides Asperger's. Some of those issues may be treatable, some not. But I think you owe it to yourself and any potential partners to seek out a comprehensive diagnosis, and to gain a complete understanding of the issues you face - because your partner has to face them, too.

That leads me to my second point, which is your duty to disclose this behavior to any potential mates before you become involved with them. The idea that someone could describe dumping a partner without explanation as an "elegant and empowering solution to an intractable problem" is so devoid of compassion it's frightening. "Its like I get this split second decision to end the relationship and its done. I sever all connections and don't feel a thing for them," isn't any better.

Comments like, "I think its driving my ex crazy because she literally stalks me....like she's trying to get something out of me and I just won't give her the satisfaction. When I say its done, its done," lead me to the conclusion that the speaker has no appreciation for what a relationship is. It involves two people: emotionally, physically, psychologically, spiritually. These comments betray a complete lack of understanding that how one behave towards his/her partner isn't only about you - your actions impact your partner. While you may be able to "sever all connections and don't feel a thing for them," that response is not normal. The majority of the population feels attachment to their partners - that's why your ex doesn't understand how you don't "feel a thing" for her. At the very least, you owe her the explanation of your behavior that you've provided to a forum full of strangers. My suggestion is that you "acknowledge that she exists" long enough to take responsibility for taking advantage of her. Because IMO, that's precisely what you've done. You knew before you got involved with her that this is how you end relationships - and my guess is that you never informed her of that. If a guy ever told me that he would dump me without explanation, was capable of turning off his feelings for me like turning off a light switch, and that when he said the relationship was done - it was done - my only concern would be not twisting an ankle in my haste to get away from him.

So if you identify with the behavior described in these posts and truly want to avoid hurting a partner, you should explain that this is how you behave before you lure an unsuspecting person into a relationship. Saying something like, "Gee, if there's ever a problem in the relationship, I'm super likely to just dump you rather than discuss it. And when I say 'dump' I mean it - no 'pleasantries,' no FB chats, no compassion, no mercy. It'll be just like you never existed," will get the point across. Anyone who accepts a relationship under those terms deserves whatever he/she gets.

Do you often begin relationships by telling your new partner how you go about ending them? Have you ever done this even once? This sounds like the height of hypocrisy to me. Besides, most people don't enter into relationships with the intent of ending them. We go into them with the best intentions and the greatest hopes and aspirations - probably even more so than most NT men. While we are in the relationship we are generally the most loyal and honest partners one could hope for. When a relationship between an AS man and an NT woman ends it is almost always initiated by the NT partner as we Aspies often have a real problem with change (Atwood, Aston, Holliday, et al.)

I find it very offensive that you imply that because you don't like something it must be the result of a mental illness or something other than autism. Frankly, it leaves me doubtful as to your actual understanding of the condition. The people who have been sharing their stories did not "dump" a partner because a "problem" suddenly arose and he didn't want to talk about it. You don't actually know the background of any of any of these stories, but have painted them all with your own brush so you can lash out at us as a substitute for some man who screwed you over. We are not him.

I keep saying this, but we were asked to share our (painful) stories to help someone understand something that happened to her and we keep getting slapped down for being honest. Perhaps you need to look inward at your own issues before you start throwing stones at people for your ill-prepared assumptions.

I've only read the OP, none of the comments, so I don't know who has said what yet.

I'm an aspie girl, not a guy, and I try very hard to make a relationship work... but when I make the decision to move on, it's done. I can burn a bridge and never regret it. I tend to think about things a lot, mull over the past to a point where it keeps me awake at night, but I never have any inclination to invite anyone back into my life. When it's done, it's done.

I can't imagine living without my husband but I know that if I ever made the decision that I was going to live without him, I would do it and that would be it. It's who I am.

Thank you for providing further evidence that this is an Aspie thing, not a male thing