Why do they marry them?

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too much wrong assumptions.

the whole story:
Last week, when I was screaming, you listened, you REALLY listened -- and I'm so grateful for the kind attention, kind words, THOUGHTFUL advice and caring, I want to hug you all!  

(((((((((((((((((All Lemon's Friends in AS Partners!)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for recognizing how hard I've TRIED!  It helps that you know! I read your stories and hey -- I know how hard YOU'VE tried!  Yay, us!

I'm doing better.  I'm finding my own way.  My head isn't in a fog anymore. 

Aspie BF feels bad that he scared me with his latest rage.  He's "making nice" and being extra effortful.  He saw that I packed my books and clothes.  I stayed away from him and his sister all week -- I'm still a little sickened by them.  I checked out of the library a book called "Law of the Garbage Truck" -- the point of which is "Let the garbage trucks go by." (Don't Hop On!)

I'm learning to say "No!" to these bullies: my ASBF is a bully, his SZ sister is a bully, their siblings too.  They all use name-calling, accusing, deriding and power-plays to cope in life.  They like to get people "off their backs!" They bark.  They smack. It's sad to me, such a stupid way to relate!  But I "get it."  It's not about me.

I've been too tender-hearted.  I had wishful-thinking.  I used to think "Well, I'll be their teacher! I'm mature and generous! They're just having a bad moment!"

Naw. They are using their TEETH on purpose! To back others off.  That's their survival mechanism, and it's ingrained, and they really don't care how others are affected.  Heck, the SZ sister frowns continually: "People suck!" and mutters about maybe doing them harm.  ("She can't mean that!" said the idiotically naiive Lemon.  Lemon, sometimes the unbalanced buy GUNS!)

You're right about love, PLily, Linda, zoops, btsn, and everyone!! !  My ASBF has a hard row to hoe.  He struggles.  He suffered a head trauma on top of having a cognitive disorder.  I love him. It's not his fault that he has severe limitaions.! His upbringing was rough, blue-collar -- his dad had a psychotic breakdown, his brother too, and the one sis is schizophrenic.  They keep these "family secrets" buried wayyyyyyyy down and try to BITE you if you bring up mental health issues.

But after all, their issues are NOT about me! (Hey, I have my own!)

I've been cockeyed, I guess.  I'd jump in and take on other people's stuff, thinking WAY TOO optimistically, being WAY TOO generous, getting hurt WAY TOO easily. 

I can see I have what they call "codependence." I admit to being NEEDY -- and taking on stuff that IS NOT MINE!  I want some of what my boyfriend has, and I put up with disrespect from him in order to be "his chosen one." Cuz he's smart, good-looking, unique.

But threatening me?  Raising his fist?  Letting his sister bad-mouth me? Both of them giving me the evil eye? Nobody listening to my side?  Rather, the family accuses ME of causing the problems? It's unbelievable!! !  I couldn't grasp it -- it's so IRRATIONAL, one-sided, childish and plain old MEAN!

Lemon, this ISN'T a safe, happy, peaceful place for you. These people are damaged. They operate in a world of chaos. They relieve their pain by wiping it off on others, or lashing out. 

I'm seeing the patterns -- and my own "complicity" in keeping myself down.

I've been "aspergated" -- maybe "schizophrenicized" -- and I've cried buckets.  My joyful outlook has disappeared as I continue to choose this unhealthy path.  All I have left is righteous indignation that "Nobody but Lemon understands or helps!"

Thank you all for shining the light on this road.  It's not my FAULT that these people act badly. Sure, it's GREAT that I gave and gave and offered up kindness, took responsibility, and TRIED and TRIED!

But this was a poor choice for you, Lemongirl.

Gotta see my boyfriend's underbelly and recognize that he BULLIES ME. It's bad.  I don't want to be a target anymore.

As regards his SZ sister, her illness makes her a huge drain on the people around her.  I've taken her on -- as family -- but her own family won't touch her.  It's not my job in the first place, and I need to bow out now.

One more thing I want to thank you all for:  showing that "awakening" takes time.   It will take time to untangle emotionally. And that's ok. I'm in a tough situation. It will take some work to get into a better one. I'm going to go through grief. I'm going to have to be strong FOR MYSELF now.

I feel better.  Thanks for listening as I sort this out.

My ASBF and I made a deal this week -- I laid out that I will call the cops if he gets violent again. AND he needs to move money into my account. And give me the car. And keep working and supporting me till I get my own income (this is payback for when I supported him for years). AND I'm going to my sister's for a couple weeks while his sister moves out. AND no more harsh words or negating Lemon, because we are now FRIENDS AGAIN and friends don't berate each other.

I feel better. I feel I'm holding the reins of my own horse. 

Ah, how revealing of our nutty relationship that not only do I feel empowered, but my boyfriend feels these are ALL THE RIGHT THINGS TO DO -- and HE feels better doing them.  "We are friends again!" -- he's such a little boy!

(Not sure the poor guy knows HOW to "do the right thing" -- though he's moral enough to want to....)

Thanks again for helping me get clarity.  Love you all, send you lemon zest with a promise of pie (no blossoms till spring.)

Love,



I should have done that before

"Aspergated?"

I have been in good relationships and bad relationships, with both AS and NT men, and I can definitely say that if you are having a bad time with someone, they could be AS, they could be NT. I have dated some really wonderful AS men who had hearts of gold, so I dont like terms like "aspergated". A bad partner is a bad partner, whether AS, NT, whatever he is.

^ I never thought of that... "AsperGate...

it makes me picture a whole lot of aspies locked behind a metal gate, foaming at their mouths...

Thanks for providing the post in it's entirety, @Boo. IMO, this couple's attraction is based in dysfunction....the neurological status of each partner is just a detail.

Based on the Aspies I've known, I think Aspies can have a tougher time overcoming the effects of being raised in a dysfunctional environment than NTs, for a few different reasons. Aspies typically have a tougher time forming relationships, and that will likely result in fewer opportunities to observe functional behavior in families. When you grow up in a dysfunctional environment, it really is helpful to experience a functional family first-hand. Think of the kid who's dad is a drunk, who spends all of his time over at his best friend's house (who has a reasonably functional family). By being exposed to a functional family, that kid will understand that the way his family works is not the only way a family can work; he'll see reasonable behavior modeled; he'll see a better result.

The other issue that seems to be a stumbling block in this area for the Aspies I've known is rigid thinking. What has surprised me is the tenacity exhibited when holding on to ideas and concepts that just don't work: ideas about how relationships work, how women think, behave, manipulate, control, etc., how to raise children, etc. When I say the ideas just don't work, I mean that holding on to those beliefs is self-limiting, it causes angst and sadness and isolation and heartache. But the idea of letting go of them seems to be something that's almost unthinkable. It really seems as though their approach to life is written in stone, and there's just no changing it. Obviously, there are things about being Aspie that are not subject to change, but even if there's a treatable psychological condition involved, getting treatment may not seem to be an option. It still surprises me.

The people that I've seen make progress (toward happiness) have been willing to try new approaches, get treatment, do research, and generally commit to changing their lives - even in very small ways. That's true for my NT friends and my Aspie friends. I used to believe the popular myth that some kind of valid Aspie "template" of emotional/psychological behavior exists, e.g., all Aspies behave this way. I learned (the hard way) that no such "template" or "checklist" exists. IMO, a person's ability to be a good partner is much more dependent on his/her psychological and emotional health than on his/her neurological status.

I asked why they marry them, not why they love them. When one is deciding to marry, it ultimately comes down to a yes/no decision.

They do marry them because they love them. They say yes because they love them. That is the most common reason people get married.

Another reason for not directing the question at a specific individual or a group of individuals is, that could have been taken as an attack on that individual or group of individuals, and so I attempted to avoid that.

So you did not direct it to them, but instead asked a question about them, a specific individual or group of individuals who have obviously posted questions here and would see that you are asking other people to comment on their behavior. As you have stated there are not that many NTs here so anyone can scan through recent posts and figure out who you are talking about. …which then prompted people to say lovely things like so they could crap out children, because they are desperate to marry because they would rather be with someone who would not cheat on them and other helpful things.

If you really wanted to know the answer to your question, which according to you was prompted by things people have written here, you could have sent one or two of those individuals a pm. However as you state later people almost always become hostile towards you, ignore you or find you socially inappropriate. So never mind.

We would not know to contact you unless you explicitly stated for us to do so.

Anyone can contact someone on this forum.


There are 46,232 members on this website and this is the first time I have ever encountered you.

We answered the same posts at least 2 times last week, one of which had to do with an NT in a relationship with an aspie.

I don't see how it is reasonable to assume that at all, especially in light of my experiences with contacting people unsolicited with questions, which I am almost always met with hostility or ignored or told I am being socially inappropriate.

I don’t doubt this at all. You are correct, I was wrong you should probably never contact anyone.


I don't see what's wrong with that. Is it not better to understand why someone is asking a question? I was sharing why such a thing does not make sense to me, and illuminating the source of my confusion to put the question in context of my perspective.

Because it makes you seem like you feel superior to them. And I’m sure you will not understand that, but that is how it seems.

Just as when someone writes a post that they want to have friends and someone else writes…"I’m fine on my own." While this is different, there is still a sense of superiority that comes across although I often just think, wow you really have to comment on everything don’t you?

When I see things like,” I’m so lonely I wish I could make friends” ..I would never write “I’m not lonely at all. In fact life is pretty easy for me. I have a job I love, a family that is great and lots of friends. When I was single I got asked out on a regular basis and pretty much stayed at home alone only when I wanted to, never because I didn’t have other options.” If I wrote something like that, I’m sure that it would not be appreciated and just make the person feel even worse. They are coming here and writing about what is bothering them to find either people who can validate how they are feeling, or find someone who has felt the same way and has found ways to feel better or improve their situation. They don’t need another person telling them how they do not suffer in the same way, I’m sure they get that enough in life as it is.


If you ask a question and provide your reasoning for asking it, it would better help us understand your perspectives, thought processes and logic, so we can contrast and compare with our own, and perhaps make corrections to our perceptions where applicable. I feel you do a disservice to others and yourself by not explaining your logic. Would you like a math tutor to not explain their logic and telling you the answer to the question is just common sense, when they are proclaiming to try to help you? Probably not. You would probably just get confused and frustrated that this person is withholding information from you.


Why would I ask a question about a problem I don’t have and have never had? “There are many problems that people here have that I would never have and have never had.” That’s what I stated in my post.

When I have asked a question, the people who answered me did so in a way that I understood. I have found their input helpful and have made some friends here that I talk to on a regular basis.


I am in the industry of finding solutions to problems and there is no way this translates to any solutions to any problems.

Did you ask this question in order to help anyone find solutions to their problems or just to satisfy your own curiosity?


I am not going to comment any further on this post I’m sure you will comment back and this will go on forever. I will use the ignore tactic that seems to work for others.


I will close with this; maybe it will provide some insight. I see very few NTs have answered your question.

I basically have a happy well balanced life. I fell in love with someone who is very different from me and perceives the world differently than I do. This has added some challenges that were not there before, but it has also added something that I value. There are times when I have questions about his behavior and I look for answers. I try to do this in the most respectful manner possible. I do realize that most things he does are not done on purpose, and that I will increase the odds that our relationship will be successful if I can learn ways to communicate with him more effectively. We are lucky because despite our differences we seem to enjoy many of the same activities, have similiar values and a have a strong physical attraction for one another. He is complimentary of my strenghth and intelligence. I find him to be brave, intelligent and disciplined. These are the things that brought us together and I suppose contribute to both of us continuing to try to be together.

There are not many places to go for answers. In forums where the partners are mostly NTs there is a lot of negativity. I have not seen that here, the NTs here seem respectful to me. I have not read every single post here, but I have not seen instances where there is talk of violence, major abuse or police involvement. Mostly just people who are struggling to understand common issues that affect people in these relationships. However there are issues in every relationship and people who run at the first sign of stress or conflict will probably be alone.

We are often questioned by the NTs in our lives about why we choose this path as well. It can be hurtful for people to look at us as if the person that we care about is not worthy or we could “easily find someone better" and they wonder why we even "bother" with the relationship. In my case this is not often prompted by any "complaints" made by me, just differences that they see in our relationship. Because of this, I do not often feel free to discuss any questions I may have in my relationship, even though others around me do so on a regular basis when it comes to their NT husbands or boyfriends.

If things that NTs say here are met with the same attitude of "why are you even with them if there is any level of conflict?" Then there really will be no place for us to turn without feeling like any level of complaint will constantly call into question our choice of trying to make our relationships work. At this point, I prefer the option of asking my friends with AS privately about my issues. However people new to this forum may get very turned off if they feel like even here their choice is questioned and not supported before they have the opportunity to make friends who they can ask like I do.

While I am not married to an aspie, I would not say that this is not something that I would not do. Yes there have been some struggles, and there would be more. There may even be more than if I married another NT. But for me the person that I care about is worth it. I cannot say why other people make this choice. I would hope it is for the same reason that I do.