Every girl I ask out "already has a boyfriend."

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Try some place that doesn't involve moving at a fast pace and shopping? I haven't noticed many social people in stores. I've been told a dog park is a good place to meat people. Both my husky and german shepherd seem to attract women, although different sets. The husky draws many oohs and ahhs at how beautiful she is. The german shepherd gets a lot of sympathy due to a deformed paw and people thinking I must be a saint to keep her. That said, I haven't figured out (or tried) to capitalize on this. If you have access to a dog, this could be an option.


Night classes seem to attract a different demographic than day classes. Most of the people in my night classes were older working adults who weren't in class to socialize. Day classes seemed to attract a more traditional student. I liked night classes much better.

^ Yeah, I have 2 dogs actually. I might try a dog park tbh, but I don't know where 1 is atm. I will have to look that up tbh.

I also agree that my night classes are not a very social crowd I suppose. Its definitely kind of a "check-the box" kind of thing, and something people just kind of hustle towards who go there. I don't know how different community college classes will be in the daytime. Mabye there will be more people there who are there to have fun and stuff like that?

A # of girls in my night classes seem to be nurses or healthcare trainees going to school and working as interns and all of that at the same time. I know that its very busy and demanding on time in the process of going through all of that to become a nurse. Perhaps they really just don't have time for actual dating as they are so focused on work and their educational programs. I think they are required to do a full workday as a nurse intern + all of their classes.

Last edited by Pengu1n on 28 Feb 2012, 9:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

why shouldn't obese people, or weak people, or people who aren't good at school have mates? they are just as worthy as anyone else. perhaps part of the problem is that you don't really understand how attraction works. a person isn't any better than anyone else (or any more likely to have a mate) if they happen to be thin or strong or good at school.

^ I said that they DO have mates. I don't understand how other people can neglect other key components of their life, but still find partners......... but if you are socially deficient, that is somehow so different and untouchable?

Even though I have "gaps" in my social skills, I am still worthy.

this is what i am saying: YOU seem to think they don't deserve mates, or at least you think that you deserve one as much as them. it doesn't work that way.

^No, I do think they deserve mates, but I don't understand why not having social skills should be looked at so different as not having physical or mental skills.

I can't put myself in their shoes though as I've never had any girl ever say or even hint that she was attracted to me. I would not even know what "attraction" feels like as its never been directed back towards me. I've never had anyone besides a relative even care about me or show the slightest interest in me.

it's not looked at differently, necessarily. but a lot of it is how you package yourself. if a person is fat and confident, they have a better chance that they will find a mate than if they seem insecure or if they hate themselves. basically, if they act like:

yes world... i'm fat but so what? i am ALL THAT

they will have more success like this ^^^^^ than if they are acting like this:

please don't notice me, world... i am fat but i wish i was a skinny and worthwhile person

Last edited by hyperlexian on 28 Feb 2012, 10:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

wait, wait, wait, wait....So an overweight guy is more successful is he acts like this "
please don't notice me, world... i am fat but i wish i was a skinny and worthwhile person"

is that what your saying? just want to clarify

no, i think my sentence doesn't come across right. lemme revise it.

I think she means the reverse quote:

An overweight guy is more successful if he acts like this:
yes world... i'm fat but so what? i am ALL THAT

EDIT: I'm wondering if there's actually a self-confidence thread in L&D or anywhere else on WP...

Muuuuuch better, for second there I thought the world had turn up side down or something

I think there's just something horribly wrong with me tbh. I have no idea what evil I have done in my life to compel me in to such loneliness. I can tell even in the tone from posters on here, that they clearly think I am just some sort of troglodyte with no confidence and no social skills. I'm not a bad guy, but everyone seems to just think I am, even when I just write things on here. People insist I don't even "understand attraction," or have a first-hand knowledge of what that feels like and to have it reciprocated........ it sucks something BIG. I might just be better off crawling back in to my cave..........

I know when I was in Middle School and High School, I NEVER even talked to girls except for what was mandated by class. I was WAY too shy and timid to ever even attempt 1 conversation or flirt that whole time. Needless to say, I never took anybody to a school dance, or held hands in the hall. Stuff like that was way beyond me at the time.

I definitely know though that by not participating in those crucial rites-of-passage, I was absolutely missing out on that key development. I never learned or was even able to practice going up to girls, and getting feedback in that controlled environment with ample opportunities whether or not my approaches were acceptable and working.

While most school-age relationships obviously don't last in to adulthood, its obvious to me that having them is extremely vital practice for the future. I was one of the few kids who NEVER practiced interacting with girls when I was young, and its clearly returned to cripple me now. When I was a boy, even the other "nerdy" boys chatted up and went out with the nerdy girls, but I did not even do this (I was not even accepted by the nerd cliques.)

I would love to know what it feels like to actually care about someone and be cared about back. For some reason though, I just can't get past the first step, as something about me is so terribly off-putting when I make a first impression. I know I'm smart enough to fix myself, but its like all of this is just a massive mystery to me. Its all so jacked up always having to try and "force" things, and putting such a strenuous effort in to correcting everything you do. Its hard enough just to function.

Not the case at all.

It's just that there is clearly something in your approach to interacting with women that is not working.

You do not know what it is, and cannot tell us. Since you cannot tell us, we cannot give you specific advice regarding how to fix it. Since we cannot be specific, the best anyone here can tell you is to go out and get as much practice as possible so that you might be able to figure out, through trial and error, what you can do that might work better.

Do some of the women giving 'advice' in this thread really need to be so condescending towards the OP?

Clearly there is room for improvement regarding his attitude but talking down to someone will only make them dig their heels in and stick to their guns even more.

Also remember this.

Confidence cannot be turned on & off like a tap (therefore making sound so simple is illogical) and being lied to isn't very nice. How would you feel if everytime you asked someone out they said they were already spoken for and you knew half of them wasn't being truthful? Oh wait, the same women patronising the OP here, would be the first to complain about it. But there lies the problem, because it's not traditional for women to make the first move, many of them don't know what it's like to be rejected when asking someone out.

By all means give advice, but don't keep putting the boot in and making guys who want to let off a bit of steam feel worse then they already do.

Theres nothing wrong with you. Its a feature not a fault. Its a matter of statistics and finding the right girl. You either need to be much more strategic in where you look, more targeted, or you trust to time (which is on your side very much still). I've not read the whole thread so don't know much about the chat. BUT we've chatted briefly and I find you eloquent and thoughtful and I'm quite sure all that pent up passion for the "right girl" will make you a lovely and sexy boyfriend when you find her. But she is not in the places you are looking.

You need to focus and up your chances by making sure effort is spent in the right places.

Personally I think all this talk of beautiful/normal girls, and practicing in public places is a red herring.You need to know more about HER.

She is 25+ and single. She is emotionally very smart and probably well-educated. She has had a series of very dissappointing NT boyfriends, with none of the drive, passion to get really close to others, or deep universal kindness that is lurking in you. Thats a f*****g sexy combination to a smart girl.

She finds your AS a massive part of her attraction to you, and will have no trouble zooming past the "wrong" thing - which Im guessing is simply some superficial body language/ slightly quirky vibe.

She will see the whole of you as deeply beautiful and your body/body language/"wrong" thing will become seriously sexy. She will wonder how she could have ever fancied a man without that "wrong" thing. The rest of the dating world will seem very superficial and dull.

I'd want to chat to you in a bar, honestly (but I have my own quirky man) and you do seem to have gone into this forensically so you know a lot about yourself.

Try university courses, libraries, adult education courses, summer schools learning about almost any subject, buddhist retreats, yoga retreats, massage courses. Volunteering. Online dating (with a theme like the environment or a walking club, or "Guardian" readers online dating. Just be strategic.

Its not about you its about finding her.. so please don't give up.

Penguin.

Just in case you think its appearance, post a photo (no you dont have to). I swear to my personal god there isn't a human body or a wrong 'vibe' that I couldn't fall deeply in love with, that I couldn't find radiantly beautiful once I knew their inside. I can zoom past any "box" and get to the real person, and your real person sounds gorgeous. I can not find classically "handsome" men attractive and the idea of being attracted to someone on looks or their confidence seems abnormal to me. You are probably lovely looking, we all are, but with a slightly unusual vibe?

I'm NT and pretty lovely I'm told, I've always had loads of interest from blokes but all this classically handsome/confident superficial stuff bores me to death. Its what you say that makes you attractive. I want interesting and passionate and smart and kind, and you are that. And I bet you look lovely too.

So just find the right bloody girl and stop the introspection. Yeah keep trying to learn new "skills" (just to make life easier) but you really dont have to change who you fundamentally are.

IT'S NOT YOU.