Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

Would you dump someone who got fat?

Page 7 of 26 [ 416 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ... 26  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

11 May 2012, 1:23 pm

As for the OP's question:

My husband and I made a deal as our relationship got serious: he won't pressure me about weight, and I won't pressure him about going bald.

Face it, folks, NO ONE looks the same 20 years down the line, but you agree to stick together anyway. So what if that means you start imagining some famous movie star to get turned on.


_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

11 May 2012, 1:34 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Unconditional does not exist.

A lot of women would leave their men if they get broke.
a lot of men may leave their women if they went broke, too.


Less likely I guess.

As much as it's less likely for women to leave their men because of extra weight.

In fact, i never witnessed a case of a woman leaving a man because he's getting too fat (they might complain, but not leave), maybe it's just luck.

you are not basing that on any actual evidence or statistics. if you look at the reasons why couples divorce, lost money and lost looks are not commonly cited.


Lost looks no, but money is often cited as a top reason.

no, it isn't.


_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105


hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

11 May 2012, 1:38 pm

ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote:
It's your duty as a human being and to your partner to make an effort.

i don't really understand why you think that "making an effort" means "being relatively thin". really, i'd rather that a partner spent the time reading books, making art/music, etc. rather than working out.


_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105


DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

11 May 2012, 1:40 pm

Something to remember in all this discussion of health, and fit, and I want to know they'll still be there and healthy ...

Life doesn't come with guarantees for anyone.

And few real people with real lives have 90 minutes a day to invest in their bodies.

Dead at 42 from a heart attack - father of two young boys who was an active runner, amazingly fit.

Cancer at 45 - another running dad - well known locally in active competitive running circles. Fit and thin.

Kidney transplant at 36 - man with abs of steel and very good eating habits.

Each with wives carrying on and taking over the load.

Each a family I know well.

Yes, all handsome, healthy fit husbands leaving their wives in the lurch, and not one obese woman whose health caught up with her and took her out of commission - although I certainly know many overweight, don't exercise enough women.

There are no guarantees. You can't take all the potnetial pain out of life by eating right and marrying thin. Bad things happen. You just .. Deal.


_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


Last edited by DW_a_mom on 11 May 2012, 2:00 pm, edited 2 times in total.

hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

11 May 2012, 1:42 pm

rabbittss wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
you are not basing that on any actual evidence or statistics. if you look at the reasons why couples divorce, lost money and lost looks are not commonly cited.


I would hazard a guess as to why: People lie about their reasons so as not to appear shallow. Instead they use hollow phrases like "The spark just isn't there anymore" or "I need space". Something similar anyway.

Guys go after girls because they find them attractive, Girls go after guys for financial reasons. We are already starting to see Women with good jobs going after schlubby, no ambition having, loser guys because they find them attractive, and at the same time seeing guys going after women who make way more money than them.

I'm not saying that there isn't such a thing as genuine affection.. just that I don't think you can completely rule out Looks & Fiscal status as actual reasons why people break up..


For what it's worth, If we were dating, and she put on 5-10lbs I wouldn't.. Maybe not even 20lbs.. If she put on 30-50.. Probably. If we were married, I doubt it. It is hard to say. But I definitely don't find morbidly obese people attractive at all, and have no desire to be intimate with some one who is. Of course I also don't find older people attractive at all and have no desire to be intimate with the. But if I've made a choice to marry some one, chances are I'll stick by that choice regardless, since that is the whole point.

no, most women don't go after men primarily for their money, and most men don't go after women primarily for their looks.

if you want to assume people are lying about their reasons, then you could assert that ANY reason is true. you could say that most men divorce women because they make a horrible casserole, and most women divorce men because their feet stink. if there is no data, there is probably a good reason for it - it most likely isn't true.


_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105


hanyo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Sep 2011
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,302

11 May 2012, 1:59 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
Something to remember in all this discussion of health, and fit, and I want to know they'll still be there and healthy ...

Life doesn't come with guarantees for anyome.

And few real people with real lives have 90 minutes a day to invest in their bodies.

Dead at 42 from a heart attack - father of two young boys who was an active runner, amazingly fit.

Cancer at 45 - another running dad - well known locally in active competitive running circles. Fit and thin.

Kidney transplant at 36 - man with abs of steel and very good eating habits.

Each with wives carrying on and taking over the load.

Each a family I know well.

There are no guarantees. You can't take all the potnetial pain out of life by eating right and marrying thin. Bad things happen. You just .. Deal.


I just recently read about how Kevin Sorbo had some blood clots and strokes while filming Hercules. For someone like that who was relatively young and took great care of themself and was in such great shape having things like that happen to them is pretty discouraging for people like me.



ZX_SpectrumDisorder
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Feb 2012
Age: 50
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,608
Location: Ireland

11 May 2012, 2:06 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote:
It's your duty as a human being and to your partner to make an effort.

i don't really understand why you think that "making an effort" means "being relatively thin". really, i'd rather that a partner spent the time reading books, making art/music, etc. rather than working out.


I mean neither fat or thin, and doing some exercise every other day doesn't prevent anyone from doing any of those things. It may prevent you from watching some crap on TV if you normally watch it.
It's a (insert cliche here) out there and I don't want my partner or myself to be judged unfairly. I've been on the receiving end of too much BS in my youth and it's never going to change, and as much as I hate conforming to the great unthinking and unwashed's ideals, I had to be the one to change. People are s**theads, I find it works best for me to give them nothing to use against me.
I don't want my partner or I to be an easy target.



DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

11 May 2012, 2:13 pm

hanyo wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
Something to remember in all this discussion of health, and fit, and I want to know they'll still be there and healthy ...

Life doesn't come with guarantees for anyome.

And few real people with real lives have 90 minutes a day to invest in their bodies.

Dead at 42 from a heart attack - father of two young boys who was an active runner, amazingly fit.

Cancer at 45 - another running dad - well known locally in active competitive running circles. Fit and thin.

Kidney transplant at 36 - man with abs of steel and very good eating habits.

Each with wives carrying on and taking over the load.

Each a family I know well.

There are no guarantees. You can't take all the potnetial pain out of life by eating right and marrying thin. Bad things happen. You just .. Deal.


I just recently read about how Kevin Sorbo had some blood clots and strokes while filming Hercules. For someone like that who was relatively young and took great care of themself and was in such great shape having things like that happen to them is pretty discouraging for people like me.


Read the paragraph I added later.

I think women are just built better for survival endurance ... Regardless of what shape we keep ourselves in. Look at the life expectancy stats. Not that it removes from us all obligation to care, because it shouldn't.


_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


LuckyKayla
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2012
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 25

11 May 2012, 2:52 pm

I've been on the receiving end of "Break up because you're fat now", and it sucks. I only gained 20-30 pounds and that's because I was put on medication that made me gain weight.


_________________
"So, do you think the Ion Engine will revolutionize the face of Space Exporation? Or Should they try something else?" - I asked this to a typical 10-year-old.


rabbittss
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 Dec 2011
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,348

11 May 2012, 3:16 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
rabbittss wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
you are not basing that on any actual evidence or statistics. if you look at the reasons why couples divorce, lost money and lost looks are not commonly cited.


I would hazard a guess as to why: People lie about their reasons so as not to appear shallow. Instead they use hollow phrases like "The spark just isn't there anymore" or "I need space". Something similar anyway.

Guys go after girls because they find them attractive, Girls go after guys for financial reasons. We are already starting to see Women with good jobs going after schlubby, no ambition having, loser guys because they find them attractive, and at the same time seeing guys going after women who make way more money than them.

I'm not saying that there isn't such a thing as genuine affection.. just that I don't think you can completely rule out Looks & Fiscal status as actual reasons why people break up..


For what it's worth, If we were dating, and she put on 5-10lbs I wouldn't.. Maybe not even 20lbs.. If she put on 30-50.. Probably. If we were married, I doubt it. It is hard to say. But I definitely don't find morbidly obese people attractive at all, and have no desire to be intimate with some one who is. Of course I also don't find older people attractive at all and have no desire to be intimate with the. But if I've made a choice to marry some one, chances are I'll stick by that choice regardless, since that is the whole point.

no, most women don't go after men primarily for their money, and most men don't go after women primarily for their looks.

if you want to assume people are lying about their reasons, then you could assert that ANY reason is true. you could say that most men divorce women because they make a horrible casserole, and most women divorce men because their feet stink. if there is no data, there is probably a good reason for it - it most likely isn't true.


I wish I lived in whatever world you live in, instead of, you know, the real one.



Zinia
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 22 Sep 2011
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 344

11 May 2012, 3:31 pm

I said this "If you're thinking of leaving a girl because she's gained weight--then do her a favor and leave her. At least then she'll have a chance at a satisfying relationship with someone.

And do all the rest of the women a favor and tell them you left your ex because she gained weight, so they know what kind of guy you are before they consider dating you.

Overall, I agree that you can leave anyone for any reason when you're dating. I'm hoping you wouldn't actually leave someone you cared about just because of their appearance, but if you would then please make it known to your future potential dates."

And I'm sorry it's so snippy. It really is kind of a mean post, and it came from a place of anger.

Really, every one has every right to have standards for their partner. But I truly think it's important to make those expectations/requirements for the relationship clear.

If you're goals for a relationship are to have a partner who is thin, and has a job, then it's fine, but it's important to express that to your partner so that they know what they're getting themselves into by dating you. It's not a given that you would have those expectations, so if it's that important to you, let your partner know ahead of time, IMO.

Sorry for being sort of nasty in that comment. There's nothing wrong with recognizing you own desires and expectations for a relationship, just don't expect your partner to assume that appearance is a requirement.



Last edited by Zinia on 11 May 2012, 3:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

bucephalus
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jan 2009
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,847
Location: with Hyperlexian

11 May 2012, 3:38 pm

rabbittss wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
rabbittss wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
you are not basing that on any actual evidence or statistics. if you look at the reasons why couples divorce, lost money and lost looks are not commonly cited.


I would hazard a guess as to why: People lie about their reasons so as not to appear shallow. Instead they use hollow phrases like "The spark just isn't there anymore" or "I need space". Something similar anyway.

Guys go after girls because they find them attractive, Girls go after guys for financial reasons. We are already starting to see Women with good jobs going after schlubby, no ambition having, loser guys because they find them attractive, and at the same time seeing guys going after women who make way more money than them.

I'm not saying that there isn't such a thing as genuine affection.. just that I don't think you can completely rule out Looks & Fiscal status as actual reasons why people break up..


For what it's worth, If we were dating, and she put on 5-10lbs I wouldn't.. Maybe not even 20lbs.. If she put on 30-50.. Probably. If we were married, I doubt it. It is hard to say. But I definitely don't find morbidly obese people attractive at all, and have no desire to be intimate with some one who is. Of course I also don't find older people attractive at all and have no desire to be intimate with the. But if I've made a choice to marry some one, chances are I'll stick by that choice regardless, since that is the whole point.

no, most women don't go after men primarily for their money, and most men don't go after women primarily for their looks.

if you want to assume people are lying about their reasons, then you could assert that ANY reason is true. you could say that most men divorce women because they make a horrible casserole, and most women divorce men because their feet stink. if there is no data, there is probably a good reason for it - it most likely isn't true.


I wish I lived in whatever world you live in, instead of, you know, the real one.


the real world is underrated, it's full of people lying to themselves and each other, and cynicism

hmmm, they leave you for the guy with more money / girl that is thinner? On the surface yes, but i seriously don't think that is the real reason in almost all cases. it's just an excuse, a way for someone to justify the decision to break away to themselves. "i can do better, time to make some harsh decisions". nah, something fundamentally wrong happened and it is bigger than your partner gaining a few pounds or getting fired. The crap casseroles are also a mere aggravating factor. they taste like sweaty feet.



rabbittss
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 Dec 2011
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,348

11 May 2012, 3:42 pm

bucephalus wrote:
rabbittss wrote:
...
I wish I lived in whatever world you live in, instead of, you know, the real one.


the real world is underrated, it's full of people lying to themselves and each other, and cynicism



I'm growing more cynical by the day attempting to cope with it. I've not started lying yet though, not because I don't thing it's effective, but just because I'm crap at it.



Zinia
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 22 Sep 2011
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 344

11 May 2012, 3:43 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
no, most women don't go after men primarily for their money, and most men don't go after women primarily for their looks.

if you want to assume people are lying about their reasons, then you could assert that ANY reason is true. you could say that most men divorce women because they make a horrible casserole, and most women divorce men because their feet stink. if there is no data, there is probably a good reason for it - it most likely isn't true.


It's true. There are deep-rooted gender roles that emphasize men's ability to provide, and women's appearance, but it sounds like someone is just using these social constructions to justify their own beliefs towards the other sex.

Although I disagree with you about casseroles. They are, statistically, the biggest cause of divorce in the world. You won't find any data to back that up, but that's because no one likes to admit how they feel about casseroles. Some people hate them, and some people love them. It's a touchy subject.



bucephalus
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jan 2009
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,847
Location: with Hyperlexian

11 May 2012, 3:45 pm

rabbittss wrote:
bucephalus wrote:
rabbittss wrote:
...
I wish I lived in whatever world you live in, instead of, you know, the real one.


the real world is underrated, it's full of people lying to themselves and each other, and cynicism



I'm growing more cynical by the day attempting to cope with it. I've not started lying yet though, not because I don't thing it's effective, but just because I'm crap at it.


haha, join the club. believe me, stay crap at it. it's a strength to be crap at lying. just not a strength recognised by the world yet


_________________
"grrrrr"


ZX_SpectrumDisorder
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Feb 2012
Age: 50
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,608
Location: Ireland

11 May 2012, 4:01 pm

Zinia wrote:
I said this "If you're thinking of leaving a girl because she's gained weight--then do her a favor and leave her. At least then she'll have a chance at a satisfying relationship with someone.

And do all the rest of the women a favor and tell them you left your ex because she gained weight, so they know what kind of guy you are before they consider dating you.

Overall, I agree that you can leave anyone for any reason when you're dating. I'm hoping you wouldn't actually leave someone you cared about just because of their appearance, but if you would then please make it known to your future potential dates."

And I'm sorry it's so snippy. It really is kind of a mean post, and it came from a place of anger.

Really, every one has every right to have standards for their partner. But I truly think it's important to make those expectations/requirements for the relationship clear.

If you're goals for a relationship are to have a partner who is thin, and has a job, then it's fine, but it's important to express that to your partner so that they know what they're getting themselves into by dating you. It's not a given that you would have those expectations, so if it's that important to you, let your partner know ahead of time, IMO.

Sorry for being sort of nasty in that comment. There's nothing wrong with recognizing you own desires and expectations for a relationship, just don't expect your partner to assume that appearance is a requirement.


It is a given. We live in a world where appearance matters, whether you like it or not. I wish we didn't, I really do. Maybe I'd be a happier person, but you're pissing in the wind.
I'd rather play the game than sit on the sideline moaning about it.