Women, what do you think of men who are quiet and shy?

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But I still felt bad for debating with you based on the term "weak" specifically.

The only way for an overly shy guy to progress is to fight against it at particular times, e.g. when approaching a female, or trying to let her get to know him. This I do not dispute. As I have said, I like shy guys, but they can't be completely shy and "closed", because things can't really progress in that case. I find a guy who is mostly shy, but is able to open up to me, appealing (potentially, of course, i.e. ignoring other factors).

Case closed, I win.

Go back to your homes.

It really depends on how shy they are. If they aren't loud and outgoing that's not a problem, I usually like that. But since I'm awkward too I have problems getting along with people who are extremely shy or quiete since they sometimes don't make any conversation at all or everything goes slowly and becomes more and more awkward... so if they are shy at first that's okay, but personally I like guys who get relaxed over time so that we can probably 'break the ice' and joke, talk, laugh... or just do anything that isn't driven by the fear of blowing the conversation; if that makes any sense.

The explanation to this is much more simple than that.

When I started my third year in highschool there was a teacher that everyone warned us about.
On the first day of class she said: I know that several people have had issues with me so Im going to be clear from the start I´ll take no bs from any of you and if you fail an exam I expect you to assume full responsability for it, if I hear any of you saying that I made you fail that exam I´ll make sure to see that person redoing his exam next September and assuming full responsability for it, otherwise we might come to an agreement on a paper that will make you pass or something .
A class mate that was some sort of teacher´s pet at the time asked for a clearer explanation.

She said its very funny. You see if any of you pass an exam all the credit should of course go to you, if any sports team wins a match the team expects everyone to give them credit for winning said match and so on.
However when the circumstances change and you went out with some friends instead of studying the teacher is the one that makes you all fail/the referee was biased....
Every single one of you follows this mentality and I see so many adults doing the same thing so I like to be clear on the fact that its not allowed to say those things here.




This above explains why some girls complain about not being approached and some guys do the same.
It doesnt matter that all around you there are people that are doing things right theres no way that the blame is on you.

I'm not sure I followed what your point was exactly Spongy. What is the relationship between "what women think of men who are quiet and shy" and "women (and men) complaining about not being approached"?

I don't complain about not being approached so maybe this has nothing to do with any of my input, but oh well, I'll give some more, hehe.

If a guy doesn't approach me and therefore I do not notice him, so we don't end up dating, that's his fault.
If I don't approach a guy and therefore he doesn't notice me, so we don't end up dating, that's my fault.
I don't see this as having any impact on what anyone thinks about women or men who are quiet and shy. It only has to do with a person's ability to do something courageous and difficult in that particular instance. It's a necessary thing that a person must do, whether they are shy or not, if they want a relationship to happen. It doesn't have to relate at all to the person's day-to-day temperament.

Boo went on a tangent saying that woman expect males to approach them and this is a discussion that we have had so many times.
He explained his position that says that women expect males to approach them and I explained my position which is that almost no one admits to their own failures whenever its possible to blame something unrelated to them.
Ie: girls that are having issues complain about males expecting them to approach them because things are changing and males that are having issues complain about females always expecting them to approach them.
Almost none of them take a look at their own life and consider that they might be problem

Some clarification is needed here. Boo you say "the men who don't initiate go nowhere with you (=not worth your time, weak).", this equation is wrong.

Firstly, replace "initiate" with "show interest" and/or "communicate" (and yes it's a two way street). We have been saying it "goes nowhere" because of the technical difficulty of it. If you don't know someone is interested, and don't know anything about them because they've not opened up to you at all, how can anything take place? You don't know them and you don't know if they like you...difficult foundations to build on.

Secondly, one does not at all equal the other, at least I have not gotten that at all from any of the women's posts. So replace everything after your equal sign with "there's not enough to go on to make things happen".

Also out of curiosity, would a shy man by default think of shy women as weak? Because he would WANT the woman to initiate, which "totally contradicts the nature of shyness"... If she does approach men then she can no longer be called "shy". This is all rather puzzling to me.

Last edited by yellowtamarin on 14 Aug 2012, 9:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

Ahh, I see, thanks. I did like the anecdote. It is similar to the pessimist/optimist divide, where optimists tend to blame external factors when things go wrong, and praise themselves when things go right, while pessimists tend to do the opposite. Does jadedness eventually turn a person into some sort of bitter optimist?

I don't get what that has to do with what I said.

I am not shy btw, not anymore at least.

A woman, who you say is likely to want the man to initiate, thinks men who are shy are weak. So I was wondering if a shy man, who probably wants the woman to initiate (if we are working off your assumption that shyness is about initiation), thinks women who are shy (i.e. don't initiate) are weak?

You don't know enough about me to make such an assumption. I only wanted him, and if any other guy had asked me out I would have refused. So there!

I am speculating but maybe both sexes sometimes put too much emphasis on the asking out part.If two people are conversing and getting along great it obviously makes the asking out part much easier.Sometimes you never know where a conversation will go .

Sometimes it is anxiety I am afraid that if I ask a woman out shell say piss off creep!! Or just laugh at me and walk away or say something like "what makes you think I like you?!" or a response like "I dont date freaks do the world a favor and kill yourself!!" 99% of the time they ask me out and usually when I am indifferent and not noticing. When I ask a woman out its when I have had a few drinks to summon the courage to do so or I noticed she likes me with back and forth flirting but those situations are rare.

I think this is one of many situations where technology and social media- Facebook, texting, etc make it easier for Aspies (and shy folks) to get along in the NT world- we can edit what we say a million times before clicking "send", and the rejection doesn't sting as much because it isn't face-to-face.

At least, for me.

I used to be extremely shy to the point of almost being mute and I am becoming that way again, at least around women my age. It seems I can't win. If I don't say anything women think I'm not interested and if I try to initiate a conversation they run the other way or get very uncomfortable even though I get along great with female coworkers. As well, single women seem to either think I'm a wimp or am too aggressive and arrogant (and potentially dangerous for some reason.. I still can't figure THAT one out!). It's just easier to not say anything than to have your heart stomped on again and again.

It also doesn't help that not only am I hopelessly oblivious but even NT men can't seem to know if a woman is interested. I tried to initiate a conversation with a girl at work on the insistence of many men who wondered why I wasn't putting any moves on her and when I tried to talk to her she couldn't turn away fast enough. They were convinced she was interested and badgered me for weeks but apparently not as it was another strikeout.

Often you dont get a second chance, if you didn't make the move the first time, you have just lost a 90% of points. Something to be practiced. The guy has to make the first move, but its not as easy as it seems to women. As they say back home: unlike a woman, a man is never ready. If you just wait for that move, you are pretty much gambling with who you will get next. Not to mention with feminism going strong, noone is even sure who is supposed to make the move now.