How to deal with unwanted attention?

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meems
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13 Oct 2012, 9:53 pm

I actually tried the faux wedding ring thing and it seems to of helped. Considering how heteronormative everybody is in this part of Texas I assume that people are assuming I'm engaged to a man. Funny how these pricks have more respect for an imaginary man than they do for me.

Two guys that had been giving me s**t on the bus left me alone today. It pisses me off but. whatever works, I guess..

I have strong feelings about placing blame on females for misogyny because I'm recently finding all unfamiliar men repulsive and I felt I need not have any respect for them and logically I know that is temporary and it's unreasonable and I don't act on it, I know it's a reaction to a recent assault. I don't rant about how men are sub-human or any nonsense like that.(no, I don't believe men are inferior etc, it's just a temporary feeling.)

I have had a lot of negative experiences with men but that's not a reason to make a judgement on all men. People are people. I won't let myself forget that or become bitter about an entire gender.

Most women I know have to deal with a fear of men on a regular basis and they aren't bitter about all men because of it. I don't have anymore respect for hatred of men tthan I do for hatred of women.


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13 Oct 2012, 11:58 pm

meems wrote:
I actually tried the faux wedding ring thing and it seems to of helped.


10 Points to Gryffindor! :cheers:


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DogsWithoutHorses
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14 Oct 2012, 12:26 am

meems wrote:
I actually tried the faux wedding ring thing and it seems to of helped. Considering how heteronormative everybody is in this part of Texas I assume that people are assuming I'm engaged to a man. Funny how these pricks have more respect for an imaginary man than they do for me.

Two guys that had been giving me sh** on the bus left me alone today. It pisses me off but. whatever works, I guess..

I have strong feelings about placing blame on females for misogyny because I'm recently finding all unfamiliar men repulsive and I felt I need not have any respect for them and logically I know that is temporary and it's unreasonable and I don't act on it, I know it's a reaction to a recent assault. I don't rant about how men are sub-human or any nonsense like that.(no, I don't believe men are inferior etc, it's just a temporary feeling.)

I have had a lot of negative experiences with men but that's not a reason to make a judgement on all men. People are people. I won't let myself forget that or become bitter about an entire gender.

Most women I know have to deal with a fear of men on a regular basis and they aren't bitter about all men because of it. I don't have anymore respect for hatred of men tthan I do for hatred of women.


yeah, if we show we're owned by some dude other men will respect his right to his property

but our ownership of our bodies? pishposh dudes gotta get laid


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BlueMax
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14 Oct 2012, 1:34 am

DogsWithoutHorses wrote:
yeah, if we show we're owned by some dude other men will respect his right to his property
but our ownership of our bodies? pishposh dudes gotta get laid


Oh come on... what a crappy attitude. No man oowwwnnss you because of marriage, nor do you become property. JEEZ!
I know you've had some bad experiences with men but is finding some middle ground so difficult? They're not all scum! (Nor do they have to be a doormat in order to be "safe".)

If a fake wedding ring keeps away some guys - it's more likely the ones decent enough to respect that someone's in a relationship. The real sleazeballs (and of course I acknowledge there are plenty of those) will hit you up for a "good time" no matter what. *barf*

What's *really* disturbing is that some women will happily accept the offer, married or not. These guys wouldn't bother if their method didn't succeed from time to time.



AspieOtaku
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14 Oct 2012, 1:48 am

Tell em to piss off and wave the middle finger.


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14 Oct 2012, 1:51 am

Dialforawesome - I really want to help you so I will respond to all your points but I'm gonna do it by PM rather than via this thread as its dragging it off topic and I'd rather keep it for the benefit of the OP.

PM coming up shortly!



DogsWithoutHorses
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14 Oct 2012, 2:04 am

BlueMax wrote:
DogsWithoutHorses wrote:
yeah, if we show we're owned by some dude other men will respect his right to his property
but our ownership of our bodies? pishposh dudes gotta get laid


Oh come on... what a crappy attitude. No man oowwwnnss you because of marriage, nor do you become property. JEEZ!
I know you've had some bad experiences with men but is finding some middle ground so difficult? They're not all scum! (Nor do they have to be a doormat in order to be "safe".)

If a fake wedding ring keeps away some guys - it's more likely the ones decent enough to respect that someone's in a relationship. The real sleazeballs (and of course I acknowledge there are plenty of those) will hit you up for a "good time" no matter what. *barf*

What's *really* disturbing is that some women will happily accept the offer, married or not. These guys wouldn't bother if their method didn't succeed from time to time.


They'll respect that I'm in a relationship but they won't respect my wishes if I'm not in a relationship. I don't think relationships make people possessions but I do think men don't accept that you're unavailable unless you have a man, so you must have a man. I can't be left alone unless I have a male chaperone or a physical representation that a male chaperone exists.

This isn't an issue of "all men are this way" it's that there always is a man that is that way. and that it's crappy and exhausting to deal with and our culture encourages them while denying and minimizing our experience.


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meems
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14 Oct 2012, 2:31 am

I don't really expect a lot of guys to understand. From a very young age I've understood that there will be boys who are going to violate my personal space and harass me and I'll be expected to brush it off and accept that it is just part of life.

I don't feel like doing what is expected of me, especially when it comes to my autonomy. I can't tell the difference between the sleazy guys and the nice guys by looking.

The fact that I have to constantly be aware of my surroundings because of the sleazy guys is a pretty clear example of a huge problem within society.

BlueMax, you dismiss these issues but you don't have any idea what it's like to be a woman. On at least ten occasions in the last two years on public transportation alone I've had a man use his body weight and strength to pin me into my seat or against a wall or just block movement. Do you know how terrifying it is to have some big guy with an erection pressed against you pinning you or just blocking you while the people around pretend not to notice?? He's not harmless, he's s sexual predator and he isn't a rarity.

I've never said all are like this but the men who are like this are not rare at all. Women encounter them even in public places and often other people just turn their heads.

How can you dismiss those fears? The men who feel entitled to women's bodies do see us as objects, and a ring indicates this object is the possession of another man.

It's not a generalization of all men, but of thw numerous men who see women as possessions, etc.


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14 Oct 2012, 3:31 am

^^^ I hear stories about this from time to time bit it sounds so... surreal - like things couldn't possibly be that bad. OTOH, I've been bullied by other men almost as badly... they just didn't want sex, they wanted to make themselves feel all powerful.

Before I go any further I want to make it known that I appreciate you sharing more details - it makes your strong opinions make more sense. I'm sorry you've gone through what you have.

With that out of the way, I want to let you know how much it SUCKS to be treated with the same negative response, merely because I share the same gender as the monsters who've attacked you. Firing the verbal shotgun at every man who approaches may seem logical when at least one or two every day is a genuine sleazebag, but don't you gals care at all about the innocent, harmless and friendly ones who've just been shot?

Do these friendly men not respond to a simple, "no thanks"? If not, then maybe they deserve the lashing some of the gals in this thread are proposing.
It's not misogyny to be offended if you bite our face off just by attempting to be friendly...


Now if this whole thread was about how to get rid of as*holes who DON'T respond to a polite "no" - then I'd like to apologize for derailing. Everything I've had to say was in regard to the NON-predators getting caught in the crossfire.



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14 Oct 2012, 3:45 am

BlueMax wrote:
^^^ I hear stories about this from time to time bit it sounds so... surreal - like things couldn't possibly be that bad. OTOH, I've been bullied by other men almost as badly... they just didn't want sex, they wanted to make themselves feel all powerful.

Before I go any further I want to make it known that I appreciate you sharing more details - it makes your strong opinions make more sense. I'm sorry you've gone through what you have.

With that out of the way, I want to let you know how much it SUCKS to be treated with the same negative response, merely because I share the same gender as the monsters who've attacked you. Firing the verbal shotgun at every man who approaches may seem logical when at least one or two every day is a genuine sleazebag, but don't you gals care at all about the innocent, harmless and friendly ones who've just been shot?

Do these friendly men not respond to a simple, "no thanks"? If not, then maybe they deserve the lashing some of the gals in this thread are proposing.
It's not misogyny to be offended if you bite our face off just by attempting to be friendly...


Now if this whole thread was about how to get rid of as*holes who DON'T respond to a polite "no" - then I'd like to apologize for derailing. Everything I've had to say was in regard to the NON-predators getting caught in the crossfire.


You know nothing about basic psychology if you think Sesame Street-esque notions of fairness register in the human brain before fight-or-flight responses due to years of conditioning.

It's not women's job to get to know every dude who hits on them to discern whether their intention is good or bad-
as has already been mentioned, random strangers approaching you in a sexual/romantic way is by definition bad or at the very least considered crude to some people.


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Last edited by ValentineWiggin on 14 Oct 2012, 3:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

BlueMax
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14 Oct 2012, 3:48 am

^^^ Well, then just tell every man who dares come near to, "**** off" and see how the world at large reacts to it. I'll wager things will get worse, not better.



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14 Oct 2012, 3:52 am

BlueMax wrote:
^^^ Well, then just tell every man who dares come near to, "**** off" and see how the world at large reacts to it. I'll wager things will get worse, not better.


I've done that the past few times I felt uneasy/threatened by strange men leering at me or commenting on my body, and it worked like a charm. :D


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Evy7
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14 Oct 2012, 4:26 am

I usually ignore perverts even if they get angry if they try to get closer, I'd run away. I haven't gotten one yet, but I think women should always carry pepper spray with them just in case. In my area, the men are very scary and dangerous. Many times I have come home barely getting away from a creepy man. Luckily my walk from college is just 10 minutes, but in 10 minutes, men can stalk and it's gross. Though, if an honest man who wasn't stalking or being perverted asked for my attnetion, I would be kind and gentle and let him down since I am not single. BNut usually, women can tell which guys are pervs and which are friendly. But I suggest the OP to move away from pervs to a larger group of people, carry pepper spray, and ignore. If that doesn't work, then I'd take out the pepper spray. I would be too scared to lash at a creep due to his reation may be violent.



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14 Oct 2012, 4:34 am

Lets get something straight people of both genders react badly to unwanted attention:

You can see this by watching how some people of both genders tell you to piss off when you try to approach them in a friendly manner at a young age or how most people tell strangers that approach you trying to sell something/join a certain phone company the same thing.

Asking someone from the opposite sex in a manner thats similar to what this phone callers do(you dont know them at all...) and expecting a different result makes no sense to me.



lalalalalala
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14 Oct 2012, 5:19 am

I trialled wearing rings that could pass for an engagement ring and a wedding band on my ring finger and it worked like a charm. It was like I had hosed myself down with Ass*ole Repellant. It also had a bonus effect of people being nicer to me - especially shop assistants for some reason.

I now wear the rings full-time.



spongy
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14 Oct 2012, 5:34 am

lalalalalala wrote:
I trialled wearing rings that could pass for an engagement ring and a wedding band on my ring finger and it worked like a charm. It was like I had hosed myself down with Ass*ole Repellant. It also had a bonus effect of people being nicer to me - especially shop assistants for some reason.

I now wear the rings full-time.


We were just discussing the need to avoid using a pejorative word thats only suitable to one gender to refer to anyone on that gender to make this section more gender friendly.
Id encourage you to follow the same advice