AS dating a NT - is it morally right?

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I agree that lying is never a good basis for a relationship but it is difficult as there is so much negative information out there.

Education is the only way for people to understand each other and their differences . . .. . I speak now as as someone who has a failed deep friendship with an Aspie man . . . .. this hurts me as I cared for him deeply and cannot help but feel that I could have done better.

Society is getting better- eg there is much more information about understanding the sensory issues that autusim is connected with - but much less about how difficult it can be to manage and communicate emotional stuff.

I can only hope that my friendship ended because he simply was fed up and bored with me, and not because I hurt him emotionally.

I dont know that i won’t ever tell but it wouldn’t be til after months of dating.
In idea world the lady would sit down and talk with the male aspie about what his disorder is but that’s not what people do they google it before talking. Then they see how horrible aspie men are and block the guy. Where as they might been happy and had no problem dating him but now they are led to believe he’d be the worse thing to ever happen to them, based on angry ex’s who believe their absuvie bf or husband must have autism. Not to mention the media saying aspies are violent and mass shooters. So I’d rather a woman get to know me first then if she googled it she’d hopefully be like well he’s not that way so they must be generalizing and wrong.

If you're an autistic person and they spend months getting to know you without being informed that you're autistic, that will involve lying on your part because you will have to either directly lie about or leave out all the things about you related to your autism. I don't see how it would be possible to get to know someone for months without mentioning being autistic. For me, it would be impossible for me to get to know someone for months without mentioning why I am not working, why I have struggled with relationships in the past and haven't had many of them, and why I have so much trouble making friends and getting to know people. If I couldn't explain any of that without mentioning autism I would have to lie about why I don't have a busy social life, why I don't work, why I haven't had many boyfriends or relationships since I left school years ago. I would have to either lie or just not say anything about those things, which would make it impossible to actually get to know me.

How can you spend months getting to know someone when you can't actually tell them the truth about your life circumstances, about your daily experience (sensory issues, special interests, obsessions), about anything really? All you've done is spent months lying either directly or by omission, which would leave you not being known any better at all. They are not getting to know you, they are getting to know the fake persona you created. Then when the person finds out the truth they would just feel betrayed and lied to and would probably stop talking to you anyway or would just need to spend more months getting to know the real you and forgetting the lies you've been telling them. It won't work as a strategy. Lying for months about who you are is a bad idea and will not solve any of your problems, Sly.

So is your first message to men hi I’m Kara and I’m autistic?

Cause if not your lying by omission. Everyone lies by omission in dating, it’s all about hiding your negative qualities until they’ve gotten to know you. If yiu upfront people won’t ever see your positives. Autism is a negative.

She’d just think I’m odd. And if we got to being in a relationship I’d explain why I’m odd.
I can explain my difficulties without saying I’m autistic or aspie. I have social anxiety and adhd, both are much much more accepted by people and not seen as a red flag vs autism. The fact the social anxiety and anxiety comes from autism does t seem to relievent. If they hear autism they think, mass shoter, cold robot, insensitive jerk.
Social anxiety they just think he get anxious and has a hard time around people, explains why he doesn’t have a big social group and doesn’t work full time.

So i dont know I’ve never had a gf or been in more then one date. Asumming one goes on a date very 2 weeks 3 months would be 6 dates at which point they probably aren’t even in a relationship yet. She doesn’t need to know my medical history no do I need hers. I’m not going disclose person medical information to every woman I met who more then likely won’t stick around. No different then telling random strangers and it ruins the chance one will stick around. I own guns, what do you think they going think when they find out I’m aspie and look up to see media says aspies are mass shooters? I’ll probably get reported and end up in jail with my rights revoked. So there’s mother reason not to tell women right away,.

Also the whole how will I explain why I’m not working is totally a female issu, my experiences with women is they don’t care to find out why you aren’t working full time it doesn’t matter, you’re not working full time and that’s a deal breaker, I’ve never had any of them ask me why I’m working part tim or why I work min wage, it’s just oh yiu don’t work full time bye.

There's a difference between hiding things, and not deliberately bringing things up. You can opt to not introduce yourself as autistic, but when a situation calls for an explanation and the explanation is that you're autistic, that's when you are making the choice to hide it, i.e. lying by omission. If there's not yet a reason to bring it up, it's not yet lying by omission. Nobody can introduce themselves to someone by telling them everything about themselves - there isn't time.

If social anxiety and ADHD explain away everything about you that's related to autism, then perhaps you aren't autistic. To have autism you must have difficulties that can't be explained by other disorders.

If you do have autism and you do get into a relationship, at some point "I'm an aspie" is going to be the explanation for something quirky about you, unless you don't spend much quality time together. I know a lot of people prefer to explain each individual quirk without using labels, e.g. "I find it difficult to concentrate on what you are saying if I'm looking you in the eyes, just cos", and I guess that works for some. But IMO it would be a lot easier and more informative to pull out the autism or AS label than to just describe each difficulty every time without providing a reason. Surely you'd end up with a whole stack of separate issues and quirks that makes you look like a bit of a wreck, rather than a nice neat package that explains it all, called autism?

I mean, before I realised I was autistic, that's how I felt about myself. I just thought I had a heap of things "wrong" with me for no particular reason, and I felt like a mess. I much prefer being able to explain my quirks to my partner with a useful, neat label.

From what I’ve gathered, Austin’s is a bunch of disorders mixed together. Every symptom of autism is also it’s own disorder. The adhd is separate. Social anxiety is one of the big symptoms of autism, I used it as a way to explain not working. That doesn’t require saying I’m autistic. Maybe autism is just that a combination other disorders, if yiu had just one you’d be diagnosed as that disorder. I dont know if there’s sensory disorders but there might be. Are there not disorder for delayed learning that aspies had as kids? I’ve been repeatedly diagnosed every 4.5 years for 20 years. I’m just saying for men telling the individual symptoms is less a red flag then autism is. I haven’t heard much about autism being red flag for men with aspie women. For aspie men it’s a big red flag, society pretrays as as violent, emotionless, empathy lacking robots incapable of meeting women’s emotional romantic needs.
Are aspie women pretrayed that way? Perhaps not because men in general are seen as more logical and not having emotional needs. I dont know. All I know is for a lot of women autism is a big red flag, and thst goes for employment too. It’s why ads advices from us to only tell if we have no other choice.

Some. Aspies do put it in their profile or first message, so it’s not s lack of time thing.

Yeah but the key there is in a relationship, at 3 months you not in s relationship yet on average, some people wait longer others jump in from first message.
How many dates would you do before you in a relationship?
I’d want at least 5, unless you go every week it’s going take months before you’re in a relationship. Hence waiting months to tell, I guess if we hung out together almost daily I’d tell them sooner, but not until we’d gotten to know each other enough thst I feel she knows me enough to not jump to conclusions from reading stuff online about how horrible male aspies are.

I’ve learned to do eye contact when talking with people.

There’s not yet any comprehensible biological definition of AS.

I'm not currently on any dating aps or trying to meet people. I guess I sort of gave up because it's too difficult to meet people with which I have enough in common to have any sort of relationship whether it be friends or romantic or whatever. But if I were currently trying to meet new people, I would be up front about who I am (including my autism) yes, because it would be impossible to avoid the topic while explaining what my life is like and why it is the way it is.

I don't lie about who I am, I accept my negative qualities as well as my positive ones. Maybe that's why I don't have a successful history of making friends and having lots of boyfriends. Maybe if I were better at lying and acting normal I would have more relationships. I don't think I would be more happy that way though, because all those relationships would be based on me acting like someone I'm not and I don't know how to do that.

I have my own social struggles and I don't pretend to have all the answers. I just know that lying about who I am isn't going to make any of my social struggles go away or make them easier to deal with, it would only make my problems worse.

I googled dating an aspie man
Results
Can aspies men love
Can apsie men marry
Do aspies want sex
Relationship with aspie man(true forced loneliness)
How to spot an Asperger’s syndrome , heartless aspergers(a website about how horrible aspie men are)
Aspergers and dating problems
Was it right to stop dating a man with aspergers

Now not all results are bad but most seemed to be bad. That’s what we are dealing with

Dating aspie women
Just comes up with stuff about
Dating lovely apsie girl
12 things to know about dating aspies
Bunch of nice things and helpful things about aspie women.
10 myths about dating aspergers women

Society seems to stigmatize aspie men more then aspie women. That may be why men here are wanting to hide it by women say they tell about it.

Yes, and as I said that's really unfair. But I don't think autistic men lying about being autistic is the way to solve the problem of autistic men being unfairly judged by society--if anything, it would contribute to the sentiment that autistic men are bad and should be avoided, because apparently they will also try to hide who they really are from you to trap you in a relationship with them, or at least that is how your lying would be perceived by these women. The way to fight that kind of unfairness is not to start being unfair yourself by lying to people.

Lots of people have judged me negatively for having mental health issues in the past, but that doesn't make me want to start denying that I have mental health issues and trying to live a lie--it makes me want to fight to eliminate the stigma against people with mental health issues.

Based in my google results you’d be ok, most results for apsie women is positive, most results for apsie men are negative and say to avoid us.

I’m not saying donut forever then on your death bed be like” cough, oh by way I have aspergers cough” —————-

I’m saying wait until she’s gotten to know you and your talking about being in a relationship. If done before thst she’ll read up on it and see “ avoid aspie men like the plaque run run run” and nit want anything to do with you, if you wait she’ll know you for you and like you, your quirks will be just that and not bother her much then you can safely explain why you have such quirks. If you tell her too soon she read results and see them as negatives and red flags. It’s a timing thing. For me it’d be months. I don’t see going in dates multiple times a week or even weekly. Nt people don’t seem to have time to meet up more then every two weeks to date. They dating other men, hanging with friends and family as well as working. They don’t have as much free time as we do, they work full time and have big Social circles.

I wouldn’t act.they either see my differences as quirks thst are cute or slightly annoying or even good qualities or bad negative, but again telling them I’m aspie increases the odds they find them negatives. I’d rather be seen as odd, weird then red flagged. Then later when I explain they be like oh that explains your weirdness.
That’s how friends and acquaintances have seen it. They didn’t get upset and say I lied to them. They never asked me why I was weird either. Can not women be that way too?

I think it leads to aspie men should be seen no different then other men. Why do we need labels?
I’ve never said hide, you don’t have to label yourself to show who you are. If they like a guy enough to be in a relationship with him then they shouldn’t need a label to make their choice ok.
I’ve never said to hide, deny or lie, just not to freely disclose it. Many disabled people don’t disclose their disorders they don’t want to be label. We aren’t are disorders. We are what you see, what you see is what you get, no different then anyone else. People with physical disabilities don’t disclose unless they Asked, why should we?

There will always be a stigma. I’m not going walk around telling people. Might as well wear a shirt that says autistic on it every day at thst point. I’m not proud to be autistic.
If I’m in a relationship and she ask I won’t lie but if she never asks I’m not going tell until we are discussing having a relationship at which point medical disorders and issues will be discussed. At that point she loves me and wants to be with me so she’ll be more understanding then on a 2,3,4th date.

Then keep lying, if that works for you. Doesn't sound like it has worked all that well though, so I'm not sure what you're looking for from me. Should I say it's a good idea to lie when I don't think it will work? All I know is that I was raised in such a way that lying about who I am was never presented to me like the way to solve my problems or to deal with unfairness in life. If other people like you didn't suggest it, it wouldn't even occur to me to just not tell people who I really am because if I say I'm autistic it might make them not like me. Maybe you were raised differently where lying is a more acceptable way to cope with unfairness, I just can't see it as a viable solution to my problems.

Dating tends to turn into an exclusive relationship after around 3-4 dates for me, so that would be within a few weeks that I'd be disclosing via your method, Sly. So that would still be okay with me if I was dating a guy and he told me he was autistic on date 3 (though that's irrelevant to this thread cos I'm not NT). You are suggesting you'd take a lot longer, so there would be more time where you are "hiding" it and therefore more chance of your prospective partner feeling deceived. Though I'm not sure how you know how long it takes you to get into a relationship if you've never been in one. You might find it plays out very differently!

Why do you keep say I’m lying. Look if you want to be upfront front he first second and tell people you’re autistic from the get go, without them asking that’s your choice.
Me saying I’m autistic in my profiles wouldn’t have helped it made it impossible to find a match, I’d not gotten the dates I did. I was raised in a world we’re yiu dont disclose your weak ness or people will use them against you. USA.
I’m me I’m not autistic, I have autism but it’s nit who I am. I don’t see people by labels. I just see people. But once a label Is used most people will,never see you as just a person again.

How do you have the time to fit 3-4 dates in a single month?

Bunch of People seem to date for months before the day they official in a relationship.

I never said my time line of months would be for everyone.

I was tempted to ask mothers if autistic boys if they’d date a man with their sons disorder. I doubt many of them would, I’d think that would help them under the future challenges their sons will face.

I wouldn’t be hiding I’m not going pretend to be something I’m not I’m not going play those stupid nt games where they pretend to be something they not to get women to like them.

Why do they feel deceived but friend if yesrs when I tell them don’t? Are you saying males are just more understanding and accepting? 0.o

I don’t know and I probably sadly won’t ever know. I’m 30 and never had a 2nd date. I don’t think telling women who reject me for my job and car status thst I’m autistic would make them be like oh ok that’s all ok now I don’t care anymore since your autistic that yiu don’t work full time, if anything if solidify heir decision as it’s show them that’s it’s permanent and I’ll never have a good job and car.