How can I initiate a date?

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I suck at initiating, it usually results in me being laughed at or thought of as a creep so I don't bother I also have a fear simply asking a woman out for coffee is sexual harrassment so I don't do that either I just ignore them and do my own thing and if they like me they will approach me.

There is a big difference between a stranger coming up to you and paying you a compliment on how you look (stranger basing a compliment strictly on your appearance) vs. something you've just done (stranger basing a compliment on you AS A PERSON).

There's also a difference between a co-worker saying "wow, nice dress/suit" and a stranger in the marketplace saying "you look beautiful!"

There's also a difference between another woman (or a gay guy) coming up to a female stranger in public and saying "OMG, that dress totally works for you" and a random male using the same line on an unknown-to-him woman.

When in doubt as to how a comment on a stranger's appearance may be received, 'tis always best to err on the side of caution. Stretch the old brain cells a little and find something besides their physical appearance to compliment them on.

Not in response to you, goldfish, since you're obviously unwilling to get it, but in case others are still wondering why "compliments" like that aren't compliments:

When I was a girl, I used to go running in a park near my house. It was still pretty unusual for girls to do that, and I didn't have what you'd think of now as running tights -- I'd just pull on tights so my legs didn't freeze, and shorts over them, and a sweatshirt, and go. At the end of one run an older couple stopped me, must've been in their 50s, and the man asked me if I was part of a local, nationally-ranked gymnastics team. Which totally made me laugh, because I wasn't athletic like that at all, or didn't think of myself that way, and those girls were local celebrities. But he meant it -- I can still remember his surprise at my laughter -- and that was a real compliment. He was commenting on an athleticism I didn't know I had.

About a year later, when I was having my track tryout, I went on a run with the boys' team -- we were early into Title IX and the boys were who there was to run with. I didn't mind, had friends among them, and it was actually being a beautiful run when a guy across the street yelled, "Nice tits!"

That wasn't a compliment. At all. That was harassment: degrading and selfish, and it dimmed the pleasure I had in my run. Had I been a less self-confident kid it might have embarrassed me enough to put me off being on the team. That was a guy saying, "I have a right to comment on your body; you're basically tits for me to enjoy." And in the context of women's sports, there's some ugly and well-documented history of men doing exactly that sort of thing in order to harass women out of the sport because "women don't belong in sports anyway."

Plenty of morons would be happy to say, "WHAAAAT? He was just complimenting her! Jesus, learn to take a compliment! Plenty of women would love to be complimented like that!" But actually no, they wouldn't, and he wasn't. There's already quite a lot of research out there about street harassment, its effects on the people who're harassed, how unwanted it is, and why it isn't a compliment.

No one in this thread has suggested that a guy should shout "Nice tits!" as a compliment to anyone.

Like I said:

http://blog.keranique.com/wp-content/up ... d-nuts.jpg

Enough with the personal insults.

It wouldn't have mattered if he'd yelled, "You have beautiful breasts!" Or, "Your body is wonderful!" or "You are extremely attractive!" or "I love what you do with those shorts, please, have coffee with me!" any of the things you might wrongheadedly suggest someone use as a pickup line on random women. The point is that I was having a run. I was not there as a display item for Street Rando. Reread what Felis and Eureka have already told you.

I highly recommend the next time you see your therapist that you ask him or her to explain the difference between complements and crass statements, as well as how to accept a compliment vs. having compliments trigger unreasonable, illogical, fears and anxiety.

Goldfish, stick to the gay scene, because you're terrible at dealing with women. And stop telling us that we're crazy for not wanting to be confronted by people whose intentions we can't determine. You don't want to talk to the big, bad, potentially harmful men, and neither do we.

But I wouldn't want some guy yelling anything about my body if I was running. Doesn't matter if it's worded in a way he thinks is polite. I'm not running so that he can get his jiggly bits to tingling, so I don't want to know if they are.

You guys want an example of a body compliment that worked? When I was 39, I was at a bar with my husband dancing to a live rock band. A random man crossed the room and said to me, "I know you're with that other guy, but I had to come over and say you are sexxyy..." Right place, right time. He even got away with being a little crude because he acknowledged that I wasn't available. It made me think, "Yep, I still got it. I'm ready for 40." But if he had said that in the middle of the day at a grocery store or something, it would have been very weird, and I would not have appreciated it.

If I had any attraction to big muscular guy's I may be inclined to compliment them. Even if they're heterosexual, they'd probably take a compliment as a compliment, especially if it were about the build they've obviously worked very hard on. But I have no attraction to big muscular guys. Sure, I can acknowledge and appreciate when someone has a strong build, but they're just not my type so why would I flirt with them with a compliment? If it were an appropriate scenario, I'd pay them a completely platonic compliment of "nice build," and would likely receive a "thanks, man!" in response.

No on here suggested someone use a drunken night club compliment of "you are sexxyy..." in a grocery store.

Again:

https://c1.staticflickr.com/7/6223/6231 ... f8a4_z.jpg

You gotta be kidding me.
Yeah, that's...not usually how it goes. Especially if there are other guys around. But hey, run the experiment. Make sure the intent's obviously sexual, though, you know, that it's a pickup line.

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Play nicely, kids.

Thanks.

Totally depends on the situation.

A lot of body builders are very vain and appreciate compliments on their builds. They like the attention of knowing others notice they're f'king jacked. It takes a very disciplined person a lot of hard work to build their body like that, and thus compliments are appreciated.

Hell, I'm not "jacked," but I can use my own experiences as an example - including last night. When I went to a bar I used to work at several months ago several of the staff and regular customers complimented me on looking good & being in shape. I kind of thought they might notice that I was getting into better shape, but I didn't perceive myself as "in shape," quite yet so it was a pleasant surprise to be complimented by a handful of people on it. These included some bouncers as well as a bit of a tough guy "street pharmacist." None of them are gay. Some of them workout/train (kickboxing), others don't, but they're not blind and can tell when someone has gotten into better physical shape & offered up completely sincere non-sexual platonic compliments on it. And it felt good. FYI, none of them know I'm gay. Some may suspect it now due to me clicking "like," on a bunch of gay s**t on Facebook recently since I've stopped caring what other people think of what I like, but at the time I don't think any of them really had any clue about that. They were just hetero guys complimenting another guy on being in shape. This was in what would generally be referred to as a "biker bar," in the ghetto full of tough guys, martial artists, drug dealers etc - and yet completely non-sexual compliments on a guy's build from other guys were completely normal, as I've observed there and elsewhere before. Actually, it's really not all that uncommon now that I think about it. I can recall tons of times where well built kick boxers would show up and others would greet them, shake their hands, and say "looking good!" with a look up and down at their build, to which they'd get a "thanks, man!" because obviously the guy they're complimenting has been training pretty hard to be better built than he was already and looking as fit as he is. It's a pretty typical respect to the alpha-male thing, IMO. And there are always plenty of other guys around.

Another setting this happens in is gyms. Guys compliment other guys on their builds/physiques/improvements/gains etc all the time. And not in a sexual or gay way. Just straight guys, or at least guys acting in a straight way vs. indicating any sort of homosexual interest, complimenting others on their bodies. It's probably more acceptable in that environment since everyone is there specifically to work on their bodies.

As for last night, I hadn't been to a lounge where a friend of mine works for probably ~5 months or so. I was complimented by the owner several times over. He was like "whoa, Richard, what have you been up to? working out? you look ripped!" and said things like "I think you might have to take your shirt off," and then suggested I accompany him to the washroom and strip naked so he could have a look. At one point he came out from behind the bar and said he had to touch me.. and did lol, running his hands down my chest/torso. Yes, he's a gay man (but totally not my type at all, sexually.) & you'd have to know him, my friend, the other staff & regular customers there to realize that nothing he said or did was inappropriate in the least bit, it didn't make me uncomfortable, and I was very flattered by it. I didn't hear him compliment my physique and then get offended by it or think he should stop or react negatively to any of the attention in the least bit. It was a compliment and I took it as such. Granted, to be perfectly transparent I welcomed his compliments & perspective because I happen to know that he likes the same type of guys as the guy I like, so it was nice to hear his perception of me. But still, even without that fact, his compliments were nothing but compliments and not offensive or scary in the least bit. Obviously he knows me and the others there well enough to compliment someone like that and do as he did without fear that he's going to get a negative reaction - which brings me back to making sure you know it's an appropriate setting for a compliment and very forward statements like that.

So, no, I'm not kidding you. Guys do compliment other guys on their bodies and in general it's well received. I've actually never personally witnessed a guy compliment another guy on his build and then have the complimentee get upset about it or react negatively in any way.

Last edited by goldfish21 on 29 Jun 2014, 3:52 pm, edited 2 times in total.

That's part of your problem. You assume that every compliment you hear is sexual and that it's a pickup line.

Newsflash: There are nice people out there who might compliment your dress, or hair, or physical fitness, or some other observable aesthetic thing that's the only impression they have of you since you're a stranger to them who has no sexual interest in you. They're simply nice people paying others compliments when they see something they appreciate and feel someone deserves to hear a compliment. People saying nice things to you does not instantly equate to them wanting to get in your pants. Perhaps you think far too highly of your own sexual allure and this is where your attitude towards compliments from others comes from?

Also, where you are and how you look at the time can give you a heads up as to whether or not the compliment is sexual or just nice. If I'm wearing normal stuff and somebody tells me I'm pretty then I take it like they just mean I'm pretty and say thank y ou and try to find something to compliment them back on. If I'm out and about all middle aged Guidette'd up, then I know it's sexual based but I'm still happy about it because I know that means I still "got it".

Just because somebody finds you sexy doesn't mean they are a horrible person or a potential rapist. Now, if the obviously sexual compliment involves them putting their hand on me anywhere at all then they will be lucky if they don't draw back a stump. They will also be told right then and there in no uncertain terms why they have no chance with me or any other female that doesn't charge by the hour.

Most men aren't potential rapists or attackers. The ones who come across too aggressive are usually just clueless. What is wrong with telling them off when they do that to you? I don't see anybody around ready to arrest me for speaking up to them. I don't see anybody ready to socially shun me because I spoke up.

We as women don't need more protection against men, we need more balls to protect ourselves from the ones who are actually dangerous. And the skills to do so. What is wrong with that?

If a friend I was out with (and we were both single) kissed me and I had just wanted to be friends and he misread it, I would say something like "I'm very flattered, and you made my day, but I'm sorry honey it's just not clicking like that for me. Let's pretend it didn't happen and just be friends ok?" Thats a far cry from sitting in the guys room who you thought you were friends with and listening to albums and him playing the guitar and then suddenly finding yourself pounced on on the bed and his hands all over you. That takes a different tactic and possibly an injury to him and lots of shouting and being scary.

ok how do you ask to get to know them so you can ask them out?

only time I've complimented strangers is on dating sites, most said they liked it. I don't talk to people in person in the world. so telling a woman her dress looks nice or she has nice hair won't happen as I can't even talk to them to say hi. I have obtained the ability to start conversations with guys it seems cause being forced to talk to people at work. I can not talk to women aside from work related requirements.

the longest simirelationship thing I had, she didn't seem to like getting complimented. the next one i did less so and would get shy about it.

why would it be appropriate to say it on a first day? what is leering?

why would it be confusing?
I'm only trying to do right :'(

What about flirting? Is that a bozo no no now too?

Also, there is a whole catagory of girls that the "ask first about everything and discuss it to death so I know you respect me" group is forgetting about. That would be the girls who like a take charge kinda guy. There is nothing hotter to those type gals than when there is a spark between her and the guy, if he just grabs her and kisses her. I should know, I'm one of those girls. I would also be so turned off if I was with a guy and he kept asking me could he touch here or do that etc. If I don't want him to do it, he will be told or I'll make it very clear. I don't want my romantic encounters ruined by all that talk that isn't dirty.