Do you find love when you stop looking? Why?

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I think what people mean sometimes by "stop looking" is to let go of your expectations and just let things be and develop naturally. That's how it can work out, when you are just hanging out with someone and not really trying to be in a relationship with them. BUT I think the underlying intention of being interested in someone and a possible relationship with them has to be there. I still call that "looking" even if you're not actively pursuing a relationship.

The problem for some of us, I mean just going by my own experiences and what I've seen some other people on this forum talk about, is not that we're "looking." It's that we might fall head over heels in love with someone rather prematurely before things have a chance to develop and take their natural course.

I really think the heart of this idea is contentedness. To be happy with your life as it is, to have cool stuff going on rather than wishing/waiting/hoping for better things...it's just going to attract people to you. This happened to me. 9 months after a breakup I was going to school things and social things and that's when my husband noticed me for the first time. Neither of us were "looking" too hard but were both open, and he pursued me out of interest, not out of desperation for a girlfriend.

It's not a hard and fast rule...it's just a better way for things to happen. You're "gonna have a better time" with this approach, I guess I'd say.

I decided to take a break from relationships after the break up with my ex because they were just too hard and too much for me to handle. So all I was doing was meeting guys and hanging out to have fun and wasn't looking but then I met my husband and we were just online friends and then we met and things clicked. If I am not desperate for a relationship, the right guy will come along. Just keep going out and meeting people and don't look and sure enough the right person will come along.

like boo said this mostly only works for women. guys will approach you. women don't have to approach guys. guys have to approach women. so if we stop looking, ie stop approaching the whole system fails.
would it have worked if your husband never approached you either. if he just stopped looking?

If you sit at home and engage with no one, the odds of love "finding" you without any kind of effort are nil - for both makes and females. If you are living your life, being social in a way that brings you into contact with new people occasionally, it may be possible to find love without any additional effort.

yep which is why I won't be deleting my dating proflies.

I won't approach anyone from work again even if they did like me, too risky to mix work with other life.
I have anxiety about going places alone so I don't go out and socialize.

Statement is a load of crap. Its one of those things people just say to cheer people up.

I've stopped several times for months to focus on fun things and make myself happy instead, nothing happened.

Good point. Even after our first date I thought he'd just be a friend. He pursued me further. He told me flat-out he liked me. I think girls need that sometimes. The main thing is, they need to know you're PARTICULARLY interested in THEM for WHO THEY ARE. That they're not just some girl giving him the time of day, a dime a dozen.

I'm gonna rethink giving this advice to guys from now on.

ah date.
been trying to show interest in this girl my sister knows. met her once a year ago. I just wanna say I like you to her and let stuff all where it may. this waiting months for sister to try to set up another walk and not happening then messaging her and her forgeting for a few weeks is too slow to me. and driving me crazy.

but sister says telling a woman that you like here is creepy.
why can't the world just be logical. guy tells girl he likes her girl likes guy back and says likes him too. or if doesnt' say dont' feel the same. instead of playing games.

Telling a woman that you like her is not, in itself, creepy. I wonder where your sister got that idea. Sure, some circumstances may make it creepy but in general...no.

The only way to survive relationships is honesty. It's painstaking sometimes. You may as well start off with honesty and not play games, because the game ends sooner or later and let's face it, it makes no sense for aspies to play it.

I don't play head games or date anybody that does. It's easy to avoid said games provided you:

- accept and reciprocate invitations ONLY from a person you enjoy dating
- have a conversation about dating exclusively if it's going well (and don't assume you're exclusive until it's been mutually agreed)
- once exclusive, assume you are until you are otherwise informed (or inform the other person they're dumped)


The End.

I don't do playing hard to get or guys that do -- if he doesn't return my call, my assumption is he doesn't wanna go out again.

I don't do making people jealous or put up with it -- if the guy wants to be with somebody else, by all means!

(I have consciously decided that I'd rather go through life assuming the guy dating me exclusively wants to be with me and not being paranoid about other girls. If once in a while, not so much now that I'm a bit older, a boyfriend cheats on me, so be it. I'd rather trust and occasionally be wrong than be miserable and suspicious all the time).

what situations?

mine is we've had very little contact. sister thought she seemed intersted in me but tht was year ago, she may have been but just assumed I wasn't and moved on, or may never been.

mean if she was, wouldn't' she remember to reply to me?

You answered yourself.

All I can say is screw the game. 'The game' was what always worked against me, as every time I had to play it.

By 'the game' I mean traditional social/dating rules to pursue another person.

Funny enough I found the most success once I finally rejected it.

This is another point to bring up:

What have your experiences been with playing 'the game'?

You can still 'look for love' without playing the game, or is it really better to just take the conformist route.

If you're going to look for love should you really just play the game still?

In the past I might have been looking for love but didn't obey the game's rules but certainly bent them.

Honestly you are 17, what is this "always"?

You'd be surprised just how many females I've purused throughout high school.

Majority of the time it was because of me playing the so-called 'game'.

I know, I know, I'm still just young and lack experience, but it's still true that so far the game always worked against me.