Polyamory: Someone Please Help Me Understand

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What?! Speak English or not at all.

Bovine excrement is bullcrap.

Oh. Fine. Then why not just say that?

If a generalization is negative and false, it's bullcrap.

He didn't say that he was into it. From what you wrote here, he said that he was tolerant of other people doing it. I can not be comfortable with doing something myself but still not care if other people do something.

Yes, I know it's possible to cheat in poly relationships -- I was simply arguing that a poly relationship does not inherently involve cheating. Because nurseangela was claiming that anything but monogamy inherently involves cheating.

Men have Oxytocin too, it's not just women. It's a hormone that gets released and then it dissipates after a while.

What, exactly -- specifically -- is confusing to you?

If you just keep saying that things we tell you are confusing without specifying what, exactly, makes them confusing -- without actually laying out your thought process so that we can understand the exact nature of your confusion -- then it will be difficult/impossible to help you.

If you really want to understand how it works for people who are into polyamory or casual sex, then you have to start examining your own definitions/concepts for things like "cheating" and "love" and "relationship" and "caring" then think about alternative defintions/concepts that might exist. You probably have to think about why something is right or wrong and then think about why others might think something is right/wrong and how other people's ideas may differ from yours. You have to be able to imagine, simply for the sake of argument (I'm not saying you have to adopt them as your own) how holding those different concepts and definitions would affect a person's experience, values, and perspectives.

We can help you with imagining other perspectives, other definitions/concepts for things, but (for me, at least:) it's very hard do without a compare/contrast.....and it's very hard to do a compare/contrast if you can't or won't tell us about your own thought processes beyond "I'm confused" or "I think [whatever] is wrong" (why is it wrong -- what makes it wrong?) or "it's cheating" (what is your definition of cheating, what makes it cheating?) I understand if you just lack the words (something I struggle with) or if you don't know because you've never really thought about it before (I have experienced this also), but the fact remains that it's very hard (for me at least) to help without knowing these things.

You may never change your own definitions/concepts or values and that's fine, but if you can't or won't imagine that there are definitions/concepts and ideas that differ from your own (let alone think of them as legitimate/valid, despite your disagreeing with them or not holding them yourself) then you will not be able to understand.

Last edited by animalcrackers on 16 Aug 2015, 2:15 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Also, not all asexuals find sex repulsive. They might just not be interested in it.

Look, I don't know how old you are, but when I was younger all we had to deal with was straight, bi, or gay. All this other stuff now you guys have going on there is no way I will ever be able to keep it all straight. Poly, pan, etc. Now someone's saying you can't cheat with poly and another is saying you can cheat with poly - cheating is cheating - there is no black and white about it. I think all this stuff originated out of people wanting an acceptable way in societies eyes to cheat. Learning about how many different sexual identities there are is like learning a second language. That's why I say I'm confused.

For NTs there is at best straight, bi and gay, and at worse nothing else than straight.



It depends on what you have agreed upon, just as it does for monogamous NTs. If you agree that you can have sex with other people, then it is not cheating. Simple as that.



Rather that most of these things are neurodiverse traits that have been ignored and misunderstood. Also, placing these traits in the category "sexual identities" is just stupid. They don't belong there at all. Neurodiverse asexuality is NOT a sexual orientation (it's disgust for NT intimacy). Polyamory is not a sexual orientation either (it's an attachment preference).

I never meant to say you can't cheat with poly, you misunderstood me. And mpe misunderstood me, too, so I think I did a bad job of explaining what I meant.

I was trying to say that cheating means breaking the rules of the relationship and violating the trust of whoever else is in that relationship with you -- no matter how many people are in that relationship with you. And I said this because you seem to think that any relationship with more than 2 people involves cheating, or that open relationships involve cheating. Did I misunderstand you?



Fine, but what do you think cheating is? I still don't know. Can you please define the act or acts that constitute cheating?


Okay, I can understand that. But this is exactly why you have to look at the definitions and concepts you're working with if you truly want to understand. Because unlike actually learning a second language, you're still using a lot of the same words -- they just come with different meanings.

For example, if all you knew about was heterosexuality, then your only definition/concept of "sexual partner" would be a person of the opposite sex. To understand how "sexual partner" could mean someone of the same sex, you'd have to pick apart the concept/definition of "sexual partner" as you understood it, and change parts of it (you wouldn't actually have to adopt the changes if you didn't want to).

Last edited by animalcrackers on 16 Aug 2015, 3:46 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Does the eye roll mean you are being sarcastic? There are NT pansexuals and asexuals and there are NTs in non-monogamous relationships. (Probably more NTs with with those orientations/relationship preferences than non-NTs, simply because NTs make up most of humanity.)

Perhaps it's all of those well-documented facts that are in conflict with her pre-determined opinions ... ?

To be honest with you, I only wanted to understand the polyamory because I thought it affected me personally with my Aspie friend. However, I found out he was talking about "swinging" with no connections. I don't want to learn about all of these different sexual identities. I know what I am and what I'm looking for and if someone I'm interested in says they are not the same identity as myself, then I will figure out if I want to delve further into understanding what they are. I really don't care to learn about it more than I have to. I think people have made things way more complicated these days than they should be and there are just some things I prefer not to get mixed up in.

It sounds like your making a judgment call because people are making new categories for themselves. I understand it can be confusing, frustrating and even scary when the world changes from what it was "when I was young." Heck, I grew up in a small town with only black people and white people. Then I discovered there were these other people who called themselves "latinos" and others who were "middle-eastern," even though some came from Africa, which was where I thought black people came from.

How dare they make the world complicated for me.

Ok. Irony mode off now.

Imagine a giant muffin tin, designed to make a million muffins. Standing next to it, you'll see nothing but round holes stretching out toward to the horizon. That used to be our society's definition for relationships. It worked perfectly well if you happened to fit in a round hole. What's the problem? Why change it? For those who didn't fit, well, you just had to make it fit. Tough. Or you had to do things secret and shamefully and hope nobody finds out you're a square peg.

Now it's the 21st century, and the square, hexagonal, and spiral pegs are making their own holes. They're not demanding that the round pegs need to change their holes, just demanding they have the right to carve out what works for them personally. That includes definitions of what "cheating" means. Is a Jewish husband who occasionally sneaks out on his orthodox wife for a ham sandwich a type of cheating? She might think so. It's not just a violation of what she thought their relationship was, but of what she thought he was. It's not your definition, but then again, it's not your relationship, so butt out.

You and your SO (whoever that turns out to be) need to decide what it means, and need to talk honestly and openly about what your expectations, fears, and desires are about the relationship. The biggest difference with poly is that you don't get to fall back on "these are the rules because they've always been the rules." Instead, there is a LOT of talking about feelings.

If you still just want a round hole. Fine. That's your right. Most people still do. Just bear in mind that there are a lot of complicated arrangements that people have had FOREVER, and are only now just starting to show up in public. The only real change that people are asking for is the right to not be ashamed of what they've been all along.