Do Men with Asperger's Initiate Dates?

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I don't date people. That's especially because it is just a silly social game that I cannot take seriously because I know the other part might be dating other people, and might not even be interested in me, but instead want some fun or even a free meal.



That's the role of the nonverbal "thing". While it is easy to lie with words, providing a fake eye contact pattern is impossible for an NT, and hard enough for a neurodiverse, so I think that is a safe indication of interest, and also level of commitment. So no need for telepathy. I'd never go exclusive on anybody that didn't provide that for me, not even if we had the "exclusive talk", because for an NT it means "exclusive until I find something I don't like" and not "exclusive for a long time".



Never said it was. Some NDs are unable to stop being exclusive in a snap. Not all. Besides, I don't find that a skill, rather a horrible trait I consider a major deal-breaker.



You shouldn't date such a guy. From his POV, you were the one acting creepy, especially if you made him think it was a good thing for him to go exclusive. A guy simply doesn't go exclusive for no reason, and you cannot ignore your role in it.

You're a fan of staring at people and creepy, one-sided implicit "relationships" and happily married, yes? Great that it worked for you and perhaps others on this thread.

My way works for me and perhaps it might work for others on this thread. The talking-to-people-and-mutually-deciding-to-be-exclusive way (and a guy one-sidedly "deciding" we're exclusive doesn't fly with me).

There's no one right way to date. Lots of people, lots of approaches that will succeed dude.

Sure. There is a need for a diversity of views. Some people benefit from traditional dating and more or less work like NTs in the relationship area, while others don't. It's just that this forum used to be dominated by NT views of dating, and it was claimed everybody needed to learn how to do dating. I'm just presenting the alternatives, but I'm fine with people that want to do it the usual way (at least if that works fine for them).

sounds typical

CRAZY FOOL - Waiting for your reply
It has turned for the worse and now it is over. As I mentioned in previous posts, I did not reach out for weeks at time and then he kept connecting with me - after periods of time he tries to find a way to connect. 1st because he was sick and wanting comforting (I did and he was happy) and then 2 weeks later because I could tell that he was grasping to reach out and I was not contacting him. The 2nd time, I was away from my computer, so he didn't get the reply for 3 days because I was out of state on a job interview. Up until this point, we told each other everything. I expressed my need in my response and said although I was away from my computer, if he needed something to call. I also, told him that I needed to see some effort from him, that an internet buddy or emotional phone affair was nothing good for me. I requested that he make plans because I needed to spend time with him. I called him from my hotel to tell him my wherabouts and he was surprised and asked if I was on vacation. I said no., I was on a job interview in another state (basically running because I have no family where I currently live and he knows all about it). He said that he couldn't meet this week because he had to do taxes, but said three times sheepishly that he would make plans, and I said that I didn't want to hear any more excuses and I trust that he will do it. He called on a Sunday night and was agitated, said inappropriate ASPIE hurtful things, like for me to take the job. He was acting like an ASPIE child, said I was negative (he was actually transferring his own behavior). I asked if there was anything that was good in his life - he couldn't think of anything, other than that God gave him a new job, nothing else. I continued to unruffle feathers. He wanted to talk again for hours and I stopped the conversation and said that I didn't want to do that and did he call to make the plans. He selfishly said NO, that he told me he couldn't do it this week (I reminded him that he said that last week). He said that I know that he has been sick and now trying to get back in shape, and that he has all these things with he father and cousins to deal with, and that he can't find a church he likes. He said he just wants to escape . . . I asked him what he needed and he said he didn't know, he just wants to escape. I mentioned that although we are not getting married tomorrow that the two of us act like we are married (not good timing). He said if I was talking about a serious relationship that he can't give that to me or anybody. He said that he has nothing to give. I asked him why he kept talking to me and why he was calling me by a pet name that only my father uses - He didn't know. I asked if he didn't have interest in me - he said that he is not saying that. I told him that there is no reason for him to keep communicating with me, as the behavior is unnaceptable and hurtful to me. He bashfully said okay. Then, I realized that I acted in haste and was responding to his agitated state, so then I tried to call him to tell him how I felt. He did not answer the phone and will never talk to me again - his personality. I sent him a long email telling him how I had been affected by him stringing me along and his ignoring of my feelings, also told him that I knew he had Asperger's along with a few other things. I threw many bones and did it in a loving way and told him that he was loved by me and that he was the one that rejected me. I did not beat him up or reject him.

Question: Is there any chance that an Aspie that makes up their mind will ever change it in the future. Any chance????

Of couse we do. I think anyone who helps us adapt also creates a means for us to simplify our lives. I don't verbalize hardly any of these things so I'll point out that I reconcile myself pretty efficiently with almost anything, so it's best to put energy into the relationship carefully, stay in touch when you're BOTH at a peaceful place in time & space. I'm juggling a multinational tech job hunt, studying and trying to make rent; the one girl I've really spoken with in the last 2 years is working in her masters' degree so I know our only real troubles come from stress. She could be in midterms right now while I tyoe this from the bus at 5pm! So NTs face all the same self-doubt as me, not gonna hold that against anyone.

I really hate this. When I don't approach women, everybody tells me I need to grow a pair of balls. When I do, everybody thinks that I'm a pervert who is just trying to get laid.

Where and how are you approaching women?

"Hi, I'm Marc. You are...??" to a girl at a dinner party at a mutual friend's house or an email invite to a girl who'd given you her email address isn't the sort of thing that gets you labelled a creep.

And if you're just trying to get laid, well, some girls are too, so you may as well be honest about your intentions.

Aaendi was just mentioning a double standard, not a personal observation.

Hello Baffled Here,

I just want to send a BIG THANK YOU! to everyone on this site that responded to me. I am forever grateful to you dear ASPIE's (on the border myself) for taking the time to sensitively teach me and so many others struggling to understand. I have read so so much throughout the site that was extremely helpful to me.

Unfortunately, for me, I believe that it is too late for me and my dear ASPIE crush. He basically told me that he doesn't have anything to give to a serious relationship. So, in my mind he wasted 10 months of my time, because I was upfront with him. My sweet Aspie turned cruel, blunt directed, mean, uncaring, insensitive after I went out of town as he was surprised that I didn't tell him and thought that I was moving away. Everything I asked him, his response was he didn't know. I asked if he wasn't interested in me . . . he said that he was not saying that - ambiguous and indirect. I told him that there was no reason for us to be in communication any further and I believe that he will never speak to me again. Of course I love him and want to be in communication and in a formal relationship. He seems very black and white to me, so even though I as a woman continue to have blind hope, I doubt that he will ever change his mind and contact me again. And, I don't know what he would think or if he would even respond if I contacted him in the future.

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR HELPING ME. WISH I WOULD HAVE FOUND THIS SITE SOONER.

I hate people who think us guys have it easier, have the upper hand in dating/mating and in life

The irony of it is that he will be regretting letting you go because chances are he will never again have such a chance with anyone else.

There's the old saying.. You never truly appreciate something until it is gone.

Thank you Dantac and Nocturnus for you sweet words to me. I have been balling my eyes out for the past month. I honestly do not know that he will regret anything. Obviously, he never expressed anything to me directly, only a million indirect non-verbal ways. He became mean and nasty the last time we talked when I applied pressure to make plans and he treated it that I was making a demand (It may have come across this way because I was not in a good place and frustrated). I just could not take not meeting any longer. For all I know he was completely playing and manipulating me for 10 months which makes me feel more aweful on top the insecurity that was being caused by him not meeting me, even after I bravely stepped out in vulnerability to initiate. I tried to believe otherwise because it is not an Aspie trait to manipulate and play games. He did not follow through with his promise to make plans, therefore on top of everything else in my mind he is not trustworthy or worthy of me. I feel that I made a huge mistake by not nipping it in the butt by stopping the phone calls and that I allowed myself to get very emotionally involved with him, while my need to meet was not met. With all this said, it was like meeting my twin for the first time in my very long life - everything was in alignment, spiritual, religious, intellectual, common interest, physical attraction, absolutely everything for the first time. It was like we were married, we just connected so well on every level like we had known each other all our lives. Because of his non-verbals, except for the sharing of opinions and information, I will never really know how he felt, but I believe that he cared deeply and loved me based on his responses to me with the exception of being physically present. He seems black/white/stubborn and wants to control everything. So, I do not think that he will ever reach out to me again. Everything in my being wants for him change his mind and sweep me off my feet to Aspieland heaven. I always have blind hope, but now have to try to move on for my own health which isn't easy.

This is why I asked the question as to if Aspie's ever change their mind??? Or, do they just think that someone abandoned them and never speak to them again. I really would love for him to step up to the plate and be an adult. At the same time my analyzing mind reminds me that women/men think different and perhaps I imagined everything.

^ Knowledge is volatile in these scenarios. The less you think about it, the more you'll enjoy yourself.

Can anyone tell me if there is any hope? I have been using the no contact rule and he has not reached out to me. Should I eventually contact him via email?