Women have to deal with "too nice" syndrom too

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You're right--he does need to be physically attractive to me. But I wouldn't quantify that with specific attributes like hairy or tall or dark or whatever. I find it can vary a lot, and the most powerful factor of all is how he carries himself--if he walks like an arrogant man, I'm gone for the hills. As for a little shyness, that's actually a quality I would like to see in a man.

A very modest salary is fine. Personally I am not at all interested in being wealthy or even exceptionally comfortable. I do believe that it is best for the household if one spouse does not work outside the home, especially once children are involved, and that the woman is generally the better candidate... but this is for reasons having to do with my values and goals, not laziness. I have many flaws, but the inordinate desire for material goods has not been a cross I've had to bear.

Honestly, I do not think I am alone among females in any of these aspects.

I'm sorry you seem to have come across so many women who behave in a very dishonest or greedy manner. Truthfully, I have known few women with such shallow aspirations... but then again I probably instinctively avoid those who do and I'm not likely to open that kind of subject with a woman I barely know. Out of curiosity, where are you meeting these types of women, anyhow? (If you don't mind saying. I don't mean to pry into your personal life.)

Humans tend to be.

go google "ladder theory" and you ll know the truth of guys/girls relationships.

I agree. Some people just 'smell' right. I know that I'm
attracted to a certain set of people, which seems to have
little to do with ANY definable qualities. Now, I have my
demands as to physical, intellectual, and emotional
attractiveness as well - and perhaps most important,
they HAVE to be interested in me (indeed, this alone
is almost enough to spark my interest, along with the
indefinable). Frankly though, 'niceness' doesn't seem to
enter into it. I'd doubt that I could ever be interested
in the classically 'nice' person. My wife was (presumably
still is, if alive) a misanthrope; both of my previous LTRs
were fairly similarly inclined, just not as good to me.

I agree completely - except for the chaste part. I don't feel
that a couple can bond properly without the physicality of
sex. Main reason that I've been closer to female lovers
than male friends (whom I also want for life, and beyond
- but none of what I want seems to work out that way).



I too am serious about my beliefs, but I can't imagine
being exclusionary. Might be a matter of my faith though.


Does this imply that it's NOT a part of your code of ethics?



Vitally important, but interests can be gained. The capacity for them is more important.



It's the only way. At least for me. That attraction makes it enough
to overlook where the person does not fit one's ideals exactly - something
no one will, when one is as selective as I am. I can honestly say that there
is not a human who could fit my ideal (pretty much by definition).

I think you are right. After posting teh above, I noticed you had writen they were lying to themselves, I think it is what they do, then, of course, lie to other.

In fact, I am turning myself an ape, and now women are finally recognizing my inteligence!! !

Well, it is always good on improving your mind.

Hee... no, it certainly is. It's just a very important expectation, so it deserved special highlighting.



Agreed! That capacity is indeed even more important than what is already held in common interest. Very good point.




In a way that's true of my ideals, too. Or rather, my hopes.

What you said about attraction makes a good deal of sense as well. That's something I was struggling with on the dating sites. It feels unnatural to form a relationship (I don't mean a romantic/dating relationship necessarily, but rather just a basic interpersonal one) with somebody as if ordering from a catalog. Besides I want to be crazy about somebody who is attractive when he in his natural environment, not just putting his best face forward, kwim? So often you get guys who say "Oh, I value this and that, sure" and then you overhear them yelling at a waitress or something.

At the same time, we can't very well justify running with somebody who excites us when we know darned well that other issues are going to create a lot of friction. Or maybe that isn't such a big deal for people who aren't coming at it from my angle. I don't remember anymore. Probably since I never really used to think at all about who I was dating or why, as long as it felt ok at the moment.

Now I want it all. I mean, not perfection... just a relationship that is exciting AND a wise move. I want to eat my cake.

I'm such a thread hijacker.

That's why I put my WORST face forward.
Usually it scares off anything sane enough
to be uninteresting.



Children ruin everything. You can't afford to take the same
chances. But, justified or not - knowing that I'll be miserably
hurt doesn't seem to prevent me from falling, and once I do,
it's too damned late. 'Tis good though, I'd rather be damned
in a hell of choice than my recent state.

Yes,
I was thinking about the following experience: put Einsten and Schwartzeneger at a room, and put there a girl to decide which of them to choose to be her boy friend. I conjecture that most girls will choose that very inteligent guy: Schwartzeneger!

I agree. Women are so picky. They just can't
stand a dead guy. My biggest problem.

What about a dead girl? Have you ever considered such possibility?

I find most NT women don't know what they want at all. That goes for more than just men and applies to everything in their lives. For an Aspie guy, that must drive you out of your mind trying to figure them out.

I was completely different. I had a list of 100 criteria and went right down it immediately. They either made it or didn't depending on what I found. If they didn't, it was over on the spot. I was way too opinionated to be so wishy washy. Besides, being around people is too tiring and too much work to be around someone you can't stand. I had no desire for that.

I did however have guys who were just friends and I was never attracted to them physically. I was only attracted to a very narrow type and they either fit that or didn't. Within that I applied the 100 criteria and knocked out over 99% of those. As to the friends, I never lied to them at all, but men almost never believe women will spend time with them if they aren't attracted because men almost never do this themselves. It's rare that men actually want to be friends with women and aren't just doing that to get them into bed. So, I was always very blunt about it and if they didn't believe it, tough. It wasn't my problem. They still had no hope in hell of ever touching me regardless of what they thought. Amazingly, it was a male friend, who tried to date me only to find out we weren't physically attracted to each other (we just laughed about it because it was that bad), that found my husband for me. He said he found the perfect man for me and he did. So, I guess he listened when I said what I wanted.

I don't know if I'd phrase it in quite that way... but yes. Of course, there would be children sooner or later, but his sweet little presence is a constant and very real reminder of how important it is for me not to be rash. He is counting on me. Some women still are very self-indulgent in my situation, but I've been studying them and vowing not to follow in their footsteps. It is so very sad when they do that sort of thing.



I know the feeling. I am not sure I get hurt so badly... which is perhaps a little worrisome? But I know.

Of course you wouldn't - you're a 'good' person. I don't see the 'of course',
except as it pertains to your faith, either. But yeah, once you're stuck with
someone counting on you, you have to take their needs into account even
before your own. Though, I've seen some friends who had to basically raise
themselves turn out a hell of a lot better than a spoiled brat like myself.

Erm.. there are exceptions, I've had several female friends/acquaintances I only was interested in as friends. One of my male former friends was the same, and I've seen it happen a few times to other people. But society has this assumption that unrelated, heterosexual men and women cannot have a stable friendship, they must either end up in bed or not talk to each other. I'm sure this puts off many people from even seeking friendship with people of the opposite sex if they're not attracted to them.