Aspires and NT relationship issues

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Why?

the only AS-NT relationship issue that i have is no NT Women being interested in me or other guys with aspergers,based on the negative perception of how seveverely awkward he appears to her .i'm better off with female aspies

Why be that way? Wouldn't you want an NT friend to make an effort to understand you, and try to build a meaningful relationship? How can we know how difficult it is for her to understand the way we think? If we think hard enough, can we understand the way she thinks?

It's not like she's trying to stereotype us, she just has a friend who's Aspie and she's trying to maintain that relationship because she likes him as a friend. I honestly wish more NT people like that were posting here, we could learn from them.

The NT friends I have are the ones who realise I need to be left alone to recover/decompress/retain my sanity.
They don't try to force themselves into my awareness or keep making demands for attention.
They realise that contact has to be on a practical level, not an emotional one, otherwise I have no idea how to respond.
They realise how much socialising wears me out and will do thoughtful things like sitting beside me instead of across from me so I don't need to make constant eye contact.
They will text and ask how many mms of rain I had instead of how I am.
That is how they understand me.
What they don't do is tell me how not contacting them makes them feel unwanted and hurt, because that would make me feel like I have failed, and there's a high probability I will fail again and that would tend to make me withdraw from the friendship so as not to inflict harm.
Honestly, I would rather have no friends than know I constantly hurt them.
I think the friends I have are secure enough in themselves that they are not hurt by such things.
They tend to be confident and independent people, who don't rely on others to build up their self worth.
I can be relaxed around them because there's no judgement or undercurrent of resentment or pressure to be something I'm not.
In return I give them an extremely deep and loyal friendship.
One has even broken contact with other friends because she's realised how superficial some of those other 'friendships' are.
Really, all I've learnt from this thread is how NTs are hurt by us because we don't constantly bolster their egos, and I'm not the bolstering ego kind.
I could text someone every day and say, "How are you? I missed you so much!" but that would be a lie because I probably haven't missed them at all, because how can you miss someone who is still there and is a part of you, like your elbow is a part of you?
So would you rather be lied to or have a relationship based on truth?
And texting is the worst kind of communication because there's usually no other markers to go by but a few cryptic words, so I will stress myself out for hours wondering how to respond appropriately.
That's rather debilitating for me, so it goes both ways.

Thanks for your answer Raleigh it helps me understand a little . . .. . . However my feeling is that in a friendship,there has to be a little give and take. I am not needy far from it. I am lucky enough to have a lot of friends but I have a deep friendship with this man. I guess everybody has different ways they work things out . . .. .

We do a lot together . . .. most of our time is spent talking, laughing or in mutual silence enjoying activities such as trekking or photography. The difficult times are much less than the good times. I appreciate that sometimes he finds the emotions involved difficult but I know he is happy to be friends.

I think it is the decision as to whether the enjoyment outweighs the problems. I have often told my friend that I know I can be quite intense and I understand if he wants to take a step back. . .. . He is always adamant that he likes our friendship just like it is . . .even if I am "a nightmare". .. . . .i am fiercely loyal and protective towards those I care about. He seems to enjoy the acceptance he has from all my friends and that I include him . . .. we joke I invite him to everything . .. . He invites me nowhere . . .. . Not entirely true but nearly.

Looking at it logically . . .what he gets is someone who helps him to make sense of social situations and friendships. Someone who genuinely shares his interests and wants to hear and learn more about them. Someone who supports his ventures I recently spent a weekend assisting him with a venture. Someone he can call on if he has a problem (doesn't come naturally to him) and I will do my upmost to assist him. Someone who appreciates his humour, his personality and his interests. Oh and also I make pretty good cakes and home made pizza

Beautifully put.

See I find that depressing

It suggests an unwillingness to trust and adapt.

If I have been hurt .. . . I learn and understand it is not intentional . . . And vice versa. We may not be in our comfort zone but that's where the learning begins

Plus it makes sweeping assumptions about NT relationships. Many of my friendships have lasted 30yrs plus. my close friendships are the opposite of superficial

You seem controlling.

I am probably the least controlling person you could meet . . . . ..

Sorry . . . .but that accusation keeps being thrown at me.

If I was controlling I wouldn't be here trying to understand. If you read my posts carefully you would notice that I constantly try to change my expectations and behaviour to ensure my friend feels understood. At the risk of causing offence the rules put down for friendship by yourselves sound far more controlling than anything I have discussed.

Not an unwillingness to adapt.
An inability.
I can adapt to a certain point but there's only so far I can go before it exacts a huge cost to my mental and physical health.
It's like asking the guy in the wheelchair to get out and crawl everywhere, because you think he needs to adapt to the able-bodied world, and he needs to get out of his 'comfort zone'.

I do 98% of the adapting and he tells me that I have helped him lots . . .i don't expect him to change and become NT I love him just the way he is . . .. but he wants to understand the world and be able to negotiate it better . . .. I think I help him with that. He helps me to understand the world from a different perspective.

I really hope this is not taken the wrong way, as it is not meant in any negative way whatsoever. But pretty much everything said in this quote is so far off the mark of what we think, feel, and why we see things the way we do, and why we expect certain things from friendships. It has nothing at all to do with ego or anything else even remotely like that. I would only suggest something very simple. Given that Aspies have such a hard time understanding the NT viewpoint and world, and this really should not be taken as a criticism, it is just plainly part of the diagnosis, would you be willing to consider that your interpretation of how we are and how you are seeing us is likely incorrect? This is not even asking any aspie to adapt, or fully understand, or to do anything really, other than to recognize that you don't really get it. We don't get you either, but we recognize that we don't get you, that is why we are here.

Last edited by imhere on 03 Oct 2017, 8:02 pm, edited 3 times in total.

I have a question: did he ever change and adapt for you?

Yes . .. . ..