The Psychological Effects Of Being 'Forever Alone'

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Marknis
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23 Apr 2018, 4:01 pm

Stardust Parade wrote:

Marknis wrote:

Stardust Parade wrote:

FunkyPunky wrote:

I would say the one thing worse than never having a relationship at all, is to have one after multiple failures, allow yourself to get your hopes up, and then get dumped immediately after. So just when you're starting to think you might have been wrong about yourself, and maybe you are good enough after all-- yeah, nope, no you're not. At least with the first option, you're never surprised because you know in advance what's going to happen.

That's happened to me a few times and God it sucks. Looking for a partner also sucks! I'm at the point now where I'm sick of going on meet and greets because I know 99.99% that it won't lead anywhere and I'll never get a second or third date. I did the FWB thing for a while with someone who wouldn't commit to anything and treated me very bad, but I'm sick of that s**t and just want a real partner. I don't want to keep going on these stupid dates that won't go anywhere and just waste my time getting my hopes up. I'm just done and I give up.

So yes OP, even though I've had a relationship, I feel and can totally relate to the forever alone feelings.

Except you seem to think it's bad for me to have these feelings but it's ok for everyone else.

Except I don't make multiple threads complaining about it like you do. THAT is the difference.

I have the right to post how I feel and if you don't like it, don't be a hypocrite claiming you hate my threads but still post on them. I refuse to let people like you tell me I should give up my dreams just because you say so.

nicholaswojtas12
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23 Apr 2018, 4:54 pm

Hey Guys,

I just found out a few years ago that I have Aspergers. I have been dating for many years and have gotten a lot of great first dates but nothing set in stone. I actually haven't had a girlfriend now for 8 to 10 years. It's been difficult, I have felt very lonely. It seems that any girls I date "just want to be friends." Its been this way the last 10 years but I just can't figure out what I'm missing here. I have a close friend who was my very first girlfriend at 16 years old. She has never gotten over me and I still talk to her in tough times. She keeps telling me that the girls I am dating are really missing out every time they say they just want to be friends. She says they wouldn't say that or be so quick to judge you if they knew you the way I do. I asked her through texting, what is it that she sees in me that all these other girls miss or just don't see? She said "You are kind, gentle, polite and the list goes on and on." I'm trying dating sites such as Plenty of Fish, OkCupid, and now more serious ones like Match and EHarmony. I have not had any success yet. I have come so close but it always ends up as "I just want to be friends." In Highschool I felt I didn't need a girlfriend and I had girls asking me out like crazy. I was too shy to doing much about it though. I dated a girl I knew since Elementary School and we were together for 4 years. It was a rough relationship though as she could be very mean, she liked hanging around her Guy friends and pretty much let them do anything they wanted to her. She had no problem flirting with them in front of me. After 4 years I asked her to move with me which she thought about then refused. Since then I just haven't been able to find/ have a steady girlfriend. They all "Just want to be friends." One girl who I dated recently, we had a great date but at the same time she did a few things I didn't like, she talked about a male co-worker in front of me, she said I was socially awkward, when I mentioned my Aspergers she laughed and said "Like Sheldon." On the positive side, we kissed, hugged, cuddled, she said she loved kissing, hugging and cuddling me. She was so pretty. She couldn't take her hands off me during the date. Then two days later she said she didn't think we were a good fit and once again, we should just be friends. I tried talking to her, saying "Are you sure we couldn't try just one more time? I really like you." She then blocked me on Facebook after I sent 5 messages. I had said stuff like "Please don't forget me. If you ever change your mind, I'm right here <3" Where am I going wrong? People tell me that I didn't do anything wrong but I just don't understand why this keeps happening. I have also had girls say that I was the nicest and most polite guy that they ever met but I wasn't what they wanted. There have been times too that I have gotten desperate over the last 10 years from being so lonely as well as from OCD. Guys, where am I going wrong? - Nick

yellowtamarin
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23 Apr 2018, 5:06 pm

Spiderpig wrote:

yellowtamarin wrote:

The only times I've been single by choice is when I've realised I'm not in any kind of shape to be bringing a partner into my life.

I've been waiting to be in that kind of shape since I was fourteen. It never happened, nor does it look like it ever will, though the ways in which it didn't changed a bit over time.

Waiting? That's probably not going to work. When I take time off dating, I put hard effort into getting myself into better shape.

Spiderpig wrote:

yellowtamarin wrote:

I wonder if it just sounds like people like me don't have multi-year droughts, cos we have lived many more years than the 21-yr-olds. There's plenty of time in 20+ years to experience hookups, relationships, AND chronic singleness.

Still a far cry from spending the twenty years plus in a single, uninterrupted drought, with no chance to break it in sight, other than death, and with no experience of being in any other state.

Why are you telling me that? I was responding to those who indicated one can still be "forever alone" even if they've spent time not alone, and to those who seemed to indicate they think that I (referred to by terms such as 'you people') jump from relationship to relationship or otherwise find intimacy easily and consistently.

I can't claim to understand the "forever alone" feeling. I suffer from chronic loneliness, and I've also been chronically single, but that doesn't mean I understand how it feels to never have dating success ever in one's life. But I do think it's a dangerous term to use to describe oneself. Especially in one's early twenties when plenty of people are still only just getting started in the dating world (so that's not 20+ years, that's just a few years). But anytime, really. If "forever alone" doesn't literally mean "forever", then don't label yourself thus, that's my view. I wouldn't label myself "forever lonely" just because I've been that way almost consistently since I was a teenager. It sets me up to ensure I stay that way, rather than being someone who is loney right now, but might find a connection one day.

And I know the OP wasn't the one using the term. I hope he doesn't describe himself that way at just 21, it's wayyy too early to use defeatist language.

Spiderpig wrote:

yellowtamarin wrote:

I remember recently telling a friend how long it had been since I'd had sex and he was shocked. I'd never said I had been having sex but somehow he got the impression I was. I wonder if that sort of thing happens here too.

I guess most women do, unless they don't want to or they depend on someone, usually their father, who refused to raise them to ever be financially independent, and keeps them locked up to "save" them for marriage.

Why do you guess that? Are you just agreeing with my idea that some here on WP make assumptions about women's sex lives?

RetroGamer87
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23 Apr 2018, 5:11 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Sabreclaw wrote:

RetroGamer87 wrote:

A third thing you need is to be happy in your own skin, happy with your life.

I've been very depressed in the past but in the weeks before I met my current girlfriend I started to really enjoy being single and became a bit more social.

I think this gave me the happiness and confidence I needed when I started dating my current girlfriend. Otherwise she would have rejected me as a gloomy gus.

So you're single now? Enjoy it! Socialise platonically. You are more free than people in relationships. You can do what you want, when you want. You can have any sort of fun you want, either alone or with friends.

Most normal "single" people have active sexual lives, so they don't have to spend every day feeling like they're ugly and worthless because they already know they're good enough for others. We can't just magic confidence out of thin air when everything we've ever experienced showed us there's nothing to be confident about.

That’s true, but it differs by culture.

In my culture, I am not supposed to have sex while single.

In a way that's less pressure. As an unmarried 22 year old you probably didn't have people griefing you for being a virgin.

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RetroGamer87
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23 Apr 2018, 6:39 pm

Spiderpig wrote:

Yellowtamarin wrote:

The only times I've been single by choice is when I've realised I'm not in any kind of shape to be bringing a partner into my life.

I've been waiting to be in that kind of shape since I was fourteen.

Don't wait! Start improving yourself now.

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yellowtamarin
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23 Apr 2018, 8:21 pm

If there's anyone who doesn't like listening to my opinions cos I'm a female - maybe listen to RetroGamer87. We don't agree on everything but he does say a lot of the same stuff I do these days, and I remember a couple of years ago when he was closer to the mindset of those who feel "forever alone". And he's a male. Perhaps he is the future you.

RetroGamer87
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23 Apr 2018, 9:11 pm

yellowtamarin wrote:

Yes I was a forever alone and I managed to get out of that situation. I find it strange that people who want to get out of that situation disregard my advice. I solved the problem they're now trying to solve. Doesn't that mean I might know how to solve it?

The forever alones (I mean that in an insulting way, I'm just referring to those who don't currently have any relationship prospects) think I'm no longer one of them, no longer in their group. True but aren't they trying to leave that group? I can help them get out.

In most ways I was like the other forever alones except that I never blamed women (or men) for having higher standards. When I passed below their standards I sought to improve myself rather than to lower their standards.

Not that I was always some positive polyanna. I felt very depressed. I blamed myself for being substandard, regretted unchangeable choices I made in the past and I truly hated and envied people who were more successful than me.

I had the most bitter envy and hatred for middle-class people even though at the same time I wanted to join the middle class. I hated people who found success in education, career or love at an early age.

Remember that I didn't have a relationship until I was 27. That's older than some of you reading this. Some of you may still have your first relationship when you're younger than I was.

Just improve yourself, get some adrenalin and brutalise your flaws into submission! Your inner demons will wonder how you got so strong! Make depression your b!tch and girls will like you more!

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Loner269
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23 Apr 2018, 9:43 pm

For me, I know from past experiences that I'm able to attract fat girls (being slightly obese myself) but I just can't find them attractive enough that I'd want to to do anything with them, which has rendered me to be chronically single. Btw, I am poor as hell so they definitely aren't interested in me for cash, which I guess I can find pretty impressive. I told already in a now locked topic how the previous fat girl I tried to date was pretty much in lust for me and was willing to give me free food and drinks to make me wanna date her, but I still couldn't get past her being twice or more my size in her waist and the social stigma of being with a fat girl and being seen with her publicly.

So, my options to get out of the loneliness are either to accept fat girls, be like Retro and buy some women with cash(aka getting a woman when you have job with good pay) or getting in better shape to attract more thin girls. I'm leaning towards the last option.

Chronos
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24 Apr 2018, 12:03 am

nicholaswojtas12 wrote:

Well sending multiple desperate messages tp someone who has determined they have no romantic attraction for you is a pretty big turn off.

I think these women just don't feel a chemistry with you. Maybe it's a phermone thing. Do you shower a lot?

The_Face_of_Boo
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24 Apr 2018, 1:07 am

Why showering is being mentioned on every page in this thread?

The_Face_of_Boo
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24 Apr 2018, 1:09 am

Chronos wrote:

nicholaswojtas12 wrote:

I don't believe women (female humans) have the ability to sense pheromones. There's no evidence that Pheromones in humans even exist (there's actually evidence against its existence).

What I believe that women are as sexually visual as men but a lot of women deny this (the plenty Tinder experiments you find on the internet expose that finally, for example they see a hot six-packed man and tons of women swiped right on him).

RetroGamer87
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24 Apr 2018, 1:36 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Why showering is being mentioned on every page in this thread?

IKR. Telling people to shower is patronising and not helpful.

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yellowtamarin
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24 Apr 2018, 1:47 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Why showering is being mentioned on every page in this thread?

IKR. Telling people to shower is patronising and not helpful.

I actually thought Chronos was wondering if nw12 showers too much.

The_Face_of_Boo
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24 Apr 2018, 1:57 am

Umm...then I am gonna do patronizing on my part:

Do you Westerns use a bidet or at least WASH your butts after defecating and your genitals after urinating? Or at the very least do you use wet wipes? :lol:

Do your bathrooms have a bidet or a least a mini shower near the toilet seat?

I know most of you don't! Tsk tsk.

I am glad my girlfriend is from a culture (Filipina and part Japanese - both cultures use bidet or washing tools
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anal_cleansing
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toilets_in_Japan
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tabo_(hygiene)

) that does have the bottom washing thing as part of their hygiene norms.

You know, showering twice a day does not make you cleaner if you don't clean yourself after every toilet use during the day.

RetroGamer87
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24 Apr 2018, 2:08 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Do your bathrooms have a bidet or a least a mini shower near the toilet seat?

I know most of you don't! Tsk tsk.

I am glad my girlfriend is from a culture (Filipina and part Japanese - both cultures use bidet or washing tools
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anal_cleansing
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toilets_in_Japan
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tabo_(hygiene)

) that does have the bottom washing thing as part of their hygiene norms.

You know, showering twice a day does not make you cleaner if you don't clean yourself after every toilet use during the day.

No but I go through tons of tons and tons of toilet paper :lol:

I would gladly use a bidet if Australian builders ever bothered to put them in Australian houses but they don't for some reason.

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The_Face_of_Boo
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24 Apr 2018, 2:14 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

No but I go through tons of tons and tons of toilet paper :lol:

I would gladly use a bidet if Australian builders ever bothered to put them in Australian houses but they don't for some reason.

You surely have water and soap though, no? :roll:

Also installing a mini jet near the seat isn't that hard if there's no place for a bidet.

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