I shot my shot

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If one equates Judaism with the Jehovah's Witnesses, that would be a bad analogy, indeed.

A better comparison would be one of the fanatical Jewish Hasidic sects with the JWs.

I feel that I have some understanding of Judaism as my wife of 35 years is Jewish. So in this case, religion could be a valid concern because Jewish students who not only join Hillel but are active in Hillel, represent the minority for whom religion is a serious concern. This includes students who join because of access to kosher food. The vast majority of Jewish guys are not going to care about a date's religion, but your brother's friend may be one of the minority that do to some extent. Also, although you may have changed, you seem in the past to have been religious yourself and give the impression that you will continue to practice your religion and in fact make life choices on that basis. I suspect he may see a potential for problems going forward and may have decided to not act on your expressions of interest. And in fact, his ability to make such a decision would be recognized by many as a very mature quality for somebody his age.

In addition, he seems to have a large number of friends and a big support network, and people in that situation simply don't need to be in a relationship if the right person isn't on their radar. So it would not be a problem for him to friendzone you even if he finds you desirable and fun to be with.

However, as you are clearly crushing on him you need to make some kind of move even if only as a first step to getting this whole business behind you. At this point, I think you need to go beyond just saying you want a proper date but to have a frank discussion about the advisability of you and he being a couple, which would have to include the physical aspect because he may have concerns that sex could become an issue that he would rather not deal with. He's probably been in at least one physical relationship and doesn't relish a relationship in which the matter of sex is "complicated".

What I am proposing sounds painful and you probably won't go with it, but your efforts so far have not gotten the result you hoped for and there's probably a reason.

I feel like if I made my feelings explicit and he said no for the reasons you stated, that would be enough. Someone else's religion is not a polite subject to bring up in casual conversation.

I'll actually disagree and say that if a serious relationship is under discussion (if that's what's happening here) and either or both parties have strong feelings about their respective religions, then that's a situation when it does need to be discussed. Of course if you just wanted to casually date somebody you could leave the topic for later if things got serious.

Sorry if I misunderstand your intentions but it seems to me that you are looking for something that could lead to a serious relationship and you may be giving those vibes rather strongly. If I were to suggest a working definition of "casual dating" as a relationship in which you are OK with the possibility that it will eventually end and you'll move on to somebody else, and you're OK with having that sort of thing with him, then I've misread you and I apologize.

What makes you think I'm giving serious relationship vibes?

How often have you seen him during this past year, and in what contexts?

Usually hanging out with my brother, occasionally doing things with one of the clubs he was in.

He's a very fun person to be around. I want to let him know that I would be interested in something more than platonic, but I'm also okay with just being friends if that's what he's more comfortable with.

At this point I think the best thing to do is send him a text saying something casual like, "I really liked hanging out with you, and I'd like to maybe go on a date or something later. But we can also stay just friends if that is what you're more comfortable with. "

My birthday is in 1 week and I might see him this weekend. So... not the perfect time, but if I make it sound casual we could probably avoid most awkward feelings.

edit: just did so. ripped the band aid off, so to speak. I figured text is casual and gives him time to respond and not be put on the spot.

I understand your reasoning, but I think that if that is a concern for him, he has the right to tell me or not tell me himself... I don't want to drag it out of him.

If he wants to know how I relate to my religion and practice it while dating people who aren't part of it, he can ask me... the basic answer is that most of my inner circle isn't Christian so I'm used to having non Christian loved ones, and Orthodox parishes vary in the extent to which they care.

Some people don't want to have those discussions, and you can't force 'em to.

What I wouldn't give for a woman to be direct with me like that!

Any updates?

Don't ask.

interesting, since firing the first shot, still normally falls on the guys shoulders, why do i get the feeling, that there will never be a century or millennium, in which women start asking men out or making the first move more often, in masses, etc. I doubt it will ever become mainstream

It happens, mostly when the girl is a desperate rebounder. I knew one. Watch closely, if you sense something wrong RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.

its still very rare for a woman to be the initiator in starting a relationship

I shot my manager


opposite
i felt less worth bc i never had any active interest
throwing the anchor myself, not always wise
but i didn't know otherwise

and i think aspies/autisms is worse for that, the men have a sole focus on standardised women, afaik

at least they never shut up about that
how you're not good as women, but all the female flaws are your fault anyway

i'd say there is a better chance of dinosaurs coming back to life than women making the first move or asking men out in the masses, droves, etc.

And I shot the sheriff!



I have little experience with this topic - I have no experience with relationship or friendships even, most my life with autism, I have been happily hermeted with high sensory sensitivities and above average cognitive abilities but no social skills, I guess I was a mix between full mute and selective mutism - even in school and stuff - but when I fell in love with someone - I often obsessed and they became my whole life but was often to anxious -

I guess - I hope all is going well in this situation and everyone is deserving of true love and friendship definitely - even schizoid-like auties like me .

Platonic sounds good - I imagine that is like having a soul mate who is just a best friend - living in light and sunshine and happiness (assumedly that is platonic) - I really hope all goes well/went well with this!