For my autistic brethern- Have you given up on love?

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I think having some things in common more than anything is the key, an interest where you can feel confident and knowledgeable. Preferably something that you can do together if possible. My husband is an avid gamer and although I would not say I share his his passion to the same level it is something that I am more than happy to do with him. MMO's are great for couples to share time and work towards common goals. Books are another common interest, we enjoy sharing conversations about the books we are reading , movies and music etc, as well as all the day to day stuff.
Over the years our interests have diverged in some areas and others have remained consistent.
I think initially, having some common ground that you can feel confident in, perhaps helps with the early stages of the relationship in particular where you are wanting to spend time with someone but perhaps not always knowing what to say and or do can help. Activities that revolve around those interests are great for getting things off to a good start and for helping with conversation topics when they dry up. It's not so much about meeting in text necessarily as meeting where you have a common ground to start with and can feel comfortable. It seems to me that from an NT perspective, that anxiety is a major issue .. and where there is anxiety it is so much harder to get things going the way you want them to. But perhaps even just stating that might help.. " I feel a bit nervous, because I would like to get things off to a good start"
As a relationship develops obviously there will be other challenges...but that is true of any relationship.
( I know I said I would leave this thread but I wanted to respond to you Cyberman.)

Oh, without a doubt. Most of the women I've developed interest in were involved with activities that I was involved in myself, especially church-related and theater-related (one IT student got through as well, although female IT students are rare, and as was the case here, taken)


While you're right in saying anxiety is an issue, stating it outright, while it would be normal for an aspie to do that, I've learned to instinctively suppress it since it gives off low self-confidence vibes (or so the gurus say)...


Once a relationship is established (and not just solely in the realm of romance, in cna include friendships and family as well), I'm actually quite capable in maintaining it. My attnetion to detail and near-perfect recall of certain past events allows me more information to go on with a particular person, thereby allowing me to predict how they would react in a given situation.

I guess that depends on the perspective of the person that you are talking to, I would see that as someone just being very honest, and honesty is a quality I value highly.

I've given up. At my age the pool of single women is essentially negligible, finding someone who I'm attracted to, who is single and might possibly be attracted to me is difficult enough, but in any situation I'm always going to be competing with an NT, and that's not a battle I can win. Throw in the decades of single life have left me ill-prepared to have any kind of meaningful relationship and I just don't think it's a good idea.

Unsure of your age, but have known friends of all ages, at all ages, to find relationships in their lives. And you're not competing with an NT - you only have to prove yourself. However, it is what makes you comfortable and happy; if at this stage, you are ready to let it go for now, then that is likely the best for you. Things come when we don't look.


M.

I still haven't given up.

good to hear so many positives!
and from a girls point of view, most girls in high school ARE superficial, but that doesn't mean when we get older we are. We care about our reputation. Maybe we really lke you but we know we'll get teased if we go out with you. Some girls are like that
please don't give up. You sound like a nice guy that knows his mind. ^-^
i'm sure you'll make someone happy eventually

Saffy- women worth their salt are hard to find, we are lucky if we can find them. I'm just getting off an unusual 8 month dating relationship that seems to be back where it started but was fun while it lasted, and like dtoxic I am also 38.

Last edited by GuessWho on 18 Sep 2008, 3:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It's not that it makes me comfortable or happy, though it is less frustrating and stressful. It's just a question of being realistic. Being single isn't all that bad, it's just something I have to learn to live with.

I agree that involuntary celibacy can create a lot of resentment, even against a category of women by age. I agree a man might take it personally. One of these days maybe an episode of Law and Order will have some rapist like the one you suggested, a genuinely nice guy who snapped, and maybe hung himself in jail. But I do not believe that sexual rejection is a valid criminal defense or explanation.

There is no need to drag a human being into play acting. My cousin gave up a baby for adoption and has been unable to have another. She keeps a baby girl doll. Of course it smells all nice and baby powdery (I don't suppose she would want the other kind of realism with the smells and noises). M-a-y I suggest the same principle for our sort of loneliness?

And I am sure many women are also angry at being rejected by guys as well, and some women may take rejection personally too. It would be more difficult to imagine how they would retaliate, other than by writing books like W. Charisse Goodman's The Invisible Woman (obesity prejudice)-- which seems slanted by gender (Gephardt Derdhau gets to eat a lot cuz he is a man and the women can't she writes). I wrote a review on Amazon.com, Where Is the Invisible Man?

I couldn't have said it better, rejection is a 2-way street and men are just as guilty for all the hurt feelings as women are.

I try to be mindful of non-discrimination with respect to race and weight when I am dating. I do not have sex before marriage. I date Christians because the advice I receive (and the sense it makes to me) suggests it saves me from sorrow. I practice what I preach.

But isn't dating only Christians discrimination?

Yes.

Then why do it?

I have suggested a number of reasons. If there are kids it could be unbearable for the parent who believes to let the kids be unsaved and be at risk of going to hell, and for the parent who does not believe it is unbearable to be dominsted and coerced by some invisible god (we say God) they don't believe in. So they pull on the kids who are in the middle.

I think the worst part is for the Christian and the Christian's relationship with God.

Let's say hypothetically a Christian d-i-d marry a non-believer, after patiently waiting a period of years for God to do it His way with a believing spouse.

What is the Christian going to conclude?

1. I did waste _____ years of my life emotionally and otherwise lonely waiting for the love of my life
2. and when he or she did come it was me and not God that found him or her
3. so God does not keep His promises to meet our needs

MAJOR DEMORALIZATION for Christian
(some people might even be tempted to wonder if God even exists at all)

He or she could quickly develop a personality conflict to please the spouse or God, especially if unbelieving spouse is plainly hostile to religious ideas.
Even if spouse wants to help, spouse might not know the religion or God well enough to help.

It gets better.
'
While all the other Christians are rejoicing about being together when Jesus comes back and takes them all home, what is poor Christian going to do? Spouse might not be there. Some or all of the kids might not be there either.

ETERNAL DEMORALIZATION for Christian
How can you forward to the Second Coming if they ain't coming?

It's been great dear, goodbye.....



I have had to forsake some very flirtacious, intelligent, educated, environmentally conscious women in the name of God.

That whole post is based on the concept that, through the whole believing in "only through Him are we saved", Jesus is the "bouncer" of Heaven, which is just incorrect. Jesus let all kinds of people, believing and non-believing, come to Him. Most left Him believing. That's what I think will happen in the end with everyone. I can't accept that an all-loving God would condemn anyone, especially just because the people didn't like Him or didn't think He existed. If He can forgive Peter for explicitly denying Him three times (and turn Peter into the rock He built His church on), he can forgive John Q. Public for being ambivalent...

Agreed ! But so are good men