Bigotry against involuntarily celibate men

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https://www.quora.com/Why-is-dating-so- ... -men-today
There are so many single mothers who have broken up with men they’ve already had baby’s with. And they expect you to accept the responsibility of being a step-father and raising someone else’s child. As you get older, finding quality women is difficult. Life keeps throwing you bad eggs, women who are in their mid to late twenties and they’re still not ready to settle down and get married. Women who just want to focus on partying and having lots of fun. Women who have little to no professional skills.

At my age, many women already have kids with other guys and that causes problems in relationships. Their children and their baby-daddies are going to require too much attention and your stuck not being their top priority. You’re going to have deal with kids that are not yours and crazy ex boyfriends. In a relationship, as a man, you want to find a woman who doesn’t have baggage in her life and is able to give you the kind of attention and affection that you can give to her.

It gets harder to find quality women who are available and hoping you can get their interest. The older you get, the more drama and baggage you’re going to have to deal with when dating.

Alicia Marie's reply is a long sobby version of "Boo hoo where are the good men of the ol' days". Pfff....just shut up, Alicia.

We live in a small (pop. 311) rural village 3 hours drive from anywhere; it's 98% blindingly lily-white, 97% American-born, and has the highest church attendance of any county in a state often considered 'the buckle of the Bible belt' (but only Christian churches; there are no mosques, temples, or gurdwaras for a hundred miles). Confederate flags and angry white men carrying sidearms are ubiquitous.
In this milieu, my mate is acutely aware of being a Muslim immigrant, despite being a naturalized citizen.
I'm eternally grateful that in '68 this country wasn't as brutally hateful as it is now, and that an elderly Canadian retired English teacher took a small Muslim immigrant girl under her wing and taught her to speak English well enough to "pass".
Sometimes, this does feel like living secretly undercover in a hostile foreign country.

Why an Immigrant would pick a such place? out of all places in the US.

We used to live in a much more multicultural, diverse urban environment. When I was diagnosed with a terminal illness, we moved to be closer to family. As a bonus, this place is much prettier, and the cost of living's much cheaper here, too; I'm on Social Security.

I never said these were "apple to apple" comparisons. But they do not need to be in order to illustrate my point: that you can't go around telling people "just hide whatever you're being bullied over from the world" or whatever variation.

Which by the way, isn't possible to begin with. Human beings naturally want to butt in where they don't belong. And in any job, school, or social club, it is inevitable that nosy people will ask questions like "are you married" or "do you have kids". And if you answer no, they'll decide it's time to play detective and find out why. Which is when it all starts. I still remember when my employer contracted a workplace safety specialist to come speak to the entire staff, and part of her presentation was a profile from the FBI for individuals who are considered a high risk for workplace gun violence. And the profile was "Caucasian male, 30's - 40's, single and has few friends."

Have you ever noticed that nearly all job applications ask for marital status? Studies have shown that employers often discriminate against singles in both hiring and promoting. The thinking is often that being married shows that one is willing to make long-term commitments. Which leaves us with a "Catch-22" type of situation when we consider how often women discriminate in dating based on men's jobs.

And what's this about involuntary singleness being a secondary result? Having a physical or mental disability, whether one is born with it or it results from a trauma later in life, is never a choice. This is just garbage.

Seriously?!

First of all: as RetroGamer said, you would have to be of "like mind" to be accepted in these places. I certainly never have or ever intend to become a "Groom of Christ".

Also, I don't fancy 6-year-old boys in that way.

Second: you're basically saying that I and people like me should just accept that we aren't good enough for something as common and mundane as being loved and having a family. Now that's pretty bigoted.

Ahh ... now I understand!

I'm not saying "Hide the fact that you're being bullied for being involuntarily celibate". No way! If a person is being bullied, then they SHOULD REPORT IT. What I'm saying is "Hide the fact that you are involuntarily celibate so you won't get bullied", if that's the situation you're in.

For example, if a man is a 40-year old brony (a fan of My Little Pony), it might be better for him to not share that fact with his 270-pound brother-in-law who is a former Marine and who is also into mixed martial arts. But if the BIL finds out, and starts bullying the brony, then the brony should raise all kinds of chaos to make the bullying stop.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but back when Star Trek (TOS) first came out, I was a 10 year old science-fiction geek in a city of 5000 or so testosterone-poisoned sports nuts who seemed to believe that if you did not worship the NFL, the NBA, the NHL, and MLB, then you were only fit for being a punching bag. I shoulda kept my mouth shut about Star Trek and collected baseball cards...

No, you most certainly have not. You (and everyone) have the right to express yourself openly. I'm not saying harras people about things they don't care about, but likewise neither should they do that to you. They were the ones who were wrong for what they did.

And I did not mean hide that you're being bullied because of your status. I meant you should not have to hide your status for fear of being bullied. I'm assuming you don't tell gay people that they should hide in the closet forever, and that any discrimination they face is their own fault for publically coming out.

Now I do not go around telling all my co-workers or random people in the street that I have not been laid in ten years, as that would be far from appropriate behavior. But that does not mean I shouldn't be allowed to discuss my problems with friends or in safe spaces, and last I checked this site is safe space for Autistics to talk about the challenges we face due to our autism. Feel free to correct me if I am mistaken in that regard.

I think there's a whole bit of mixing up going on here. Other people assuming you are muslim on dubious grounds (such as sikhs getting attacked because turbans and beards) or because you look to ethnically hail from a part of the world where Islam predominates (balance of probability, maybe? Still flimsy.) is not the same as "being muslim is an inborn characteristic".

You're cool, Magneto. I understand where you're coming from. Ten years without love is hard to take.

But, still, your situation is not "hopeless."

It's not just ten years. The ten years is just counting from that one time I slept with a woman who openly admitted she had no self-esteem and would sleep with anyone, and then left me with two STIs.

Prior to that, I spent my first three years of college getting nothing but rejection from women, until my ex approached me. I've already discussed the detailed of that relationship, which I realized in hindsight was characteristic of an emotionally abusive relationship. In fact, I did not find her attractive, but I decided to settle for her out of a combination of desperation and feeling guilty over rejecting her.

My point is it's not a valid alternative for most of us. Until you're prepared to give it all up to go be a monk then you can't expect people like me to be satisfied with it either.

My point was Techstep said people could join a monastery in the past, yet they're still accepting new members in the present.

By the way, are most of us atheists? Serious question.I don't expect you to do anything. You are a free agent. I'd suggest that those who have nothing to lose (those with no sex life and no wealth to speak of) wouldn't be giving up much at all. I don't know if they'd be satisfied with monastic life but I expect incels aren't satisfied with their life as it is either.Not entirely but it's a viable option for religious types. At least monks don't get made fun of for being sexually inactive.Granted. An atheist would feel extremely uncomfortable in a monastery.I said join a monastery, I didn't say join the clergy.I'm not saying that, you are. Every time you call yourself an incel. Every Time a man says it's hopeless or they're not attractive enough or not rich enough, they're basically saying they're not good enough for something as common as being loved and having a family.

There! That's the core of it: Men cutting themselves down and deciding on their own that they cannot meet the minimum standards of others for lovability, before they even try to find love!

It's like looking for a job. People will say, "They'll never hire me" without ever having applied for a position. I tell them, "Go ahead and apply! Let the employer decide whether or not you are good enough."

But, NOOOOO ... those men have already set their minds on failure, and no amount of reasoning with them will get them to change their minds.

We should all stop wasting our effort to convince those men to keep trying, because they have completely given up. There is no use agreeing with their negative self-assessments, either -- THAT will only get you in trouble with the moderators.

I don't consider myself to have failed because I'm sufficiently alive to figure this out. Basically all the obstacles mentioned in this thread apply to me in some way but I also know someone I can honestly talk to. Isn't that half the battle anyway?