What do you do when a girl you aren't attracted to likes you

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I rarely have women who "pursue" me, but lately there's been one girl who has recently broke up with her bf, and now is messaging me on facebook, and wants to go to movies etc. with me. I am not very sharp socially, but when I am around her I notice the signs. The thing is, I am not attracted to this girl physically, at all. I like to have her as a friend, but she is not my type... she is a big girl. A BBW. I hate to use the word fat, but it's an accurate description. Other than that, she is intelligent and has many good qualities (that I can see).

Am I being shallow? Should I just date her anyways even if I am not physically attracted to her? I don't know what I should do.

I can't see how I could ever date someone I wasn't physically attracted to. I don't consider that shallow at all, I've never even heard of anyone who considered that shallow.

But even supposing that it is "shallow"--is not dating someone for "shallow" reasons any worse than just dating someone out of guilt?

I'm not sure if "guilt" is the correct word for how you're looking at it, but that's the closest I can think of off hand...

As depressing as it is, read this easy to understand overview of the matching hypothesis before you do anything (http://www.elainehatfield.com/ch108.pdf). I don't mean to be a dick, because I've been in your situation a lot and ignored the calls of women I think would be deemed universally unattractive (amongst them, a couple BBWs), but how often do you see a BBW aggressively chase after a guy others would deem as attractive? I'd say this occurs seldomly, and this is partially because they've got egos just like the rest of us, and they don't like to feel the pain of rejection, either. So, what they do is chase after guys who they deem as having equivalent social worth as them who they think have the physical attractiveness standards that come with lower social worth. I mean, of course this isn't a perfect theory, but it seems to cover my experience pretty well. Perhaps the social worth some of us aspie males perceive ourselves as having is an inflated misinterpretation of the actual social worth we have as perceived by others. Furthermore, perhaps this misinterpretation itself is a byproduct of our difficulties with social behavior in general.

Otherwise, just tell her you're not romantically interested in her. It's not like you have to marry her or even get in a relationship, though. Just try a couple dates. Perhaps you can use this as an opportunity to get inside a woman's head, and come to intuitively understand them a bit more, and as a consequence of that, being more comfortable around women you're attracted to. Maybe you'll even get into her and start to become attracted to her over time. Who knows. Honestly, in the end, it seems like male aspies are experientially f****d in the dating game and it's probably best just to get as much as experience as you can at this point, regardless of where it comes from.

Also, I unintentionally made a thread that was construed as being about this very subject in my "ruining attraction" thread, so you might want to look there.

e: I just read this post and it looks like I'm trying to sell you the idea of dating a BBW, LOL. I don't mean to do that, I'm just trying to get you to see it in the light I wish somebody would've tried to get me to when I've been in similar situations.

1. Yes, you're being shallow if you're judging the worth of this girl by her appearance.

2. No, you shouldn't "date" her romantically if you're not attracted to her.


however, you might want to level with her and say....

"I'm not attracted to you in a bf/gf type of way but if you just want someone to go see a movie with, then I'll go with you".


That would be nice... and clear - assuming that you're up for a friendship.

If he's being shallow, then this girl is certainly being shallow, too. If the matching hypothesis or any variations of it are correct (complex matching, etc), all people are shallow as hell because shallowness is inherently built into the system we use to judge other people's worthiness for dating and relationships.

People should never be thought of as shallow for not wanting to date someone they are not attracted to.

I would take gbollard's advice on board. It pretty much sums up my thoughts on the matter.

If you're not attracted to her, don't lead her on. You could go on a couple of dates and see if the situation may change, but be sure to make your intentions clear. You could say something like "You're a nice girl and I would like to get to know you better, but let's at least start off as friends". Using her simply to gain dating experience would be cruel.

I have to say I'm a bit disappointed in the fact that there seems to be as much weight fascism in this forum as in the world in general. I guess I was expecting aspies to be slightly less eager to judge peoples worth based on their appearance, but it turns out we're all of the same race after all...
Why is it so important to mention her weight? Couldn't you just say "I'm not attracted to her physically" and be done with it? This never stops puzzling me. Weight does not make someone less worth dating, attitude does. I'm a fattie, and I've never had any dating trouble: mainly because I could never be attracted to someone who judges on appearance. My standards focus on what's inside, not out, and I expect that from my partner as well. I'm not the least bit insulted if someone does not find me attractive, but the claim that I'm not in the position to keep standards is infuriating. As is the assumption that just because I'm overweight I'll be ecstatic over any and all attention given to me by men that could be considered good looking.

I've been so very lucky. I've had only long lasting relationships with men I still consider to be great catches, and now I think I've hit the jackpot with my wonderful aspie bf. The first six months were truly awful, mainly because I had no idea what Aspergers was or that he had it, but the last two years have really made up for it. Now if I only could persuade him to move in together...

End of fattie rant. Note that English is not my first language, sorry for any grammar abuse!

Edit: Replaced "assie" with "aspie".

I've been in this situation too and it worked out fine in the end. I stuck to honesty, she wanted space for a bit but we're right back to being best friends.

I'd definitely say don't date someone your not attracted too, in the long run you'd just hurt her even more, and best wishes: not a nice situation to be in.

ill take not atracted to them to mean personaltiy and appearence.. I must admit i do take apearence nto acount but that is a smal part of it... back to topic.... im a blut person but i would try to avoid tears

its tricky, cus she knows shes fat.

she knows you like her, and will know that its her fatness that stops you from liking her all the way.

but since she allready knows, it would depend how confident and strong she is to handle it, when you tell her "i think i'd rather have you as a friend" or something. be blunt, but dont be mean.

i dont think its gonna be easy at all.

Space, I feel your pain. Because I was always a tall guy (and later a big one as well), fat/BBW chicks seemed magnetically attracted to me, even to the point of sexually harassing me at work. It's still the case now, and for the record, BBW's are a lot more aggressive in some ways than their thinner counterpart. I don't know if it's the extra testosterone (which might also make them more prone to be heavy), the competitive disadvantage they have with thinner women (which might make them try harder) -- whatever it is, it can be very troublesome if it is unwanted, and also somewhat personally insulting, as if you are not heavy or out of shape yourself, it almost seems to imply that you are, and that's why she thinks you are in "her league." Don't fall into this mental trap, it's not true. You're just a catch, she's being more obvious than other girls about it, and you seem like you are strong enough to handle her (and are one of the few guys bigger in size than her).

So what to do? Don't lead her on. No dates, no outings, no "just friends" -- don't be mean, but be firm, and don't show interest. She'll move on -- plenty of other guys out there.

Btw, roadgames, great link -- I love science, and I love the science of romance. I still don't think that the author is necessarily in her league though, even if she seems to think so -- all of us have down periods, and BBW's and other women certainly seize on those down periods. Space, rest assured you'll get a hottie -- I know I did.

Other funny thing -- I actually like black BBW's because of their bosom proportions, but no one else.