NT needs help with her Aspie interest

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I'm an NT who is realizing I'm in helplessly in love with an Aspie. We're dating, I think. About 6 months now, although with all his disappearing acts, it's hard to really tell. I knew he was Aspie from day one, and I have aspie cousins, so I know a bit about it. I give him space when he needs it, I try to be blunt with him (which is great exercise for me since I was horrible with sharing my needs before i met him), we have good talks about how to deal with this relationship since he's never been in a serious one before.

I know he likes and cares about me, although he shows it quite differently than an NT. He needs a lot of space and is a workaholic, and I understand that I will likely never be 1st in his life. It's almost like he forgets about me when I'm not around, though. I'll email him and get no response, even when I've asked a direct question. He doesn't respond to texts (because they are pointless). He always answers the phone, but he's mentioned in passing that he hates the phone. How do I keep myself around when he's so hard to reach? After I don't hear from him for a couple of days, I get worried that I'll be perceived as pushy or annoying if I contact him. He's never expressed that, though, so is that just something I have to overcome on my own?

And is it common for aspies to be very territorial about their home environment? Day to day life is a fairly rigid routine for him. Can an aspie really let an NT into that kind of life without feeling like they are sacrificing themselves? How do I integrate without overwhelming him? Do I just tell him that he should be upfront when he needs me to back off?

Also, with regard to physical affection (not talking sex, just cuddling and the like). He's pretty awkward about this, which I find endearing He says that he likes to cuddle, or be close to me, or just randomly touch my arm when we're sitting near one another, but it would never occur to him to do these things. I've begun just initiate snuggling and telling him "Hey, I liked it when you just put your hand on my back, you should do that more often" and stuff like that. He always does it when I tell him, because he says that he's never done it before and didn't think to do it. But I'm NT, and these things are second nature to me. Sometimes I feel bad because it seems like these things would occur to him if he really wanted them... Is that a totally absurd thought?

I'm sorry this is so long, I just want to learn how to effectively work with him. We're both in our early 30's if that matters to you.

Sounds like you have it pretty much under control. If you are mindful of these things, and are communicative about concerns/other logistics that might seem strange to either of you, then that's more or less all you can do.


2 quick things though:



That doesn't necessarily have anything to do with AS. I have several close NT friends, and in the past have had NT girlfriends, who are the same way.




I can't speak for everyone, but I personally do realize that a degree of self-sacrifice is necessary to make relationships work. If someone isn't willing to sacrifice a minimum of their comfort zone, AS or not, that is a big red flag for me. However you don't seem to be saying that this is the case, my point is more that you should not assume that "sacrifice" is for some reason not an option (or unreasonably off-putting) for him.


Good luck.

Logically, it may seem absurd. Having experienced this from the opposite perspective, though, I would advise you to try and limit these sort of expectations. I was in a relationship with my first girlfriend (this was in high school) for nearly 8 months before ANY physical contact occurred, and even then it was because she initiated it. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy physical contact, I just never realized that was the normal or expected thing to do. Even when she became frustrated and outright told me, I still was unsure of how to initiate something as simple as cuddling or kissing, and she had to make the first move every time. She eventually became annoyed by this (among other things) and dumped me. In retrospect, knowing what I know now, this seems outright silly, but at the time it was completely bewildering (and actually caused me to very distrustful for a long time).

Our social expectations are for the male to be confident and assertive in initiating physical affection, but this can be exceptionally difficult when Asperger's enters into the equation. After all, if the girl wants to be affectionate, why wouldn't she just initiate it? If she likes a hand on her back, why wouldn't she just put my hand there? If she already knows what she wants, why do I have to guess? Again, in retrospect, it's quite easy to analyze the situation and determine what was the correct action to take and when. But at the time, you feel so rigid and awkward, and the uncertainty of which actions will be accepted and which will be inappropriate more often than not leads to inaction.

The bright side of all of this, though, is that this behavior can be learned, and you are doing the right thing by communicating your expectations. If this is his first serious relationship, then you have to be patient while he figures these things out (with your help!). My current (and hopefully permanent) girlfriend took a similar strategy early on, and gradually things became much more comfortable. We developed a rapport where this kind of intimacy became much more natural and unconscious, but this did not happen overnight, and I still become uncomfortable with unexpected physical contact. The key is to be patient and honest - don't blame him or yourself - just try to work through this constructively as partners. The worst thing you can do is ignore something that makes you uncomfortable, because he is not going to figure this out himself unless you help him.

The same thing applies as far as your expectations regarding how often you should speak or spend time together. I am also very rigid about my routine. I get so engrossed in work that when my girlfriend calls, even though I love her dearly, I have little or no interest in talking with her at that time. I also abhor phones (but have learned to tolerate them) and never, under any circumstances, respond to text messages. She tries to be understanding and we agree on a set time when I should call her back. What I would suggest, again, is to talk to him directly about how often you would like to speak to him. The point here is that if he knows your expectations regarding frequency of contact, he can then (assuming he wants to) make that a part of his schedule. The tradeoff here is that, depending on his personality, he could become very agitated if he expects to contact you at a certain time and you are not available (this has caused several arguments for me in the past).

Also, you may want to consider an instant messaging service. As an alternative to phone calls, which I find to be an intrusive interruption, I leave myself signed in pretty much all day on instant messenger, but I ignore all incoming messages until I'm ready to answer them. It allows us to sync up for brief two-way exchanges during the day (as opposed to email, which is one-way), but is not intrusive since I disable all popup notifications and sound alerts. That way, we stay in off-and-on contact throughout the entire day.

I hope some of this information is helpful... and don't give up on him!

It sounds like this isn't the case for him, but I bet a lot of guys with AS would agree with me, that most or all of the girls we've liked have never let us do these things because of lack of interest. So it may be important with an Aspie to be clear that you do want this kind of contact--though if you are both clearly aware that you're at that stage in the relationship this is less of an issue.

One reason why I don't initiate touch is because I have no idea when it is wanted, unwanted or inappropriate. It is very hard to navigate. I never initiate touch, affection, or asking someone out simply because I don't want to be accused of sexual harassment or be put on some kind of offender list. If touched unexpectedly I may jump, pull back or even lash out due to reflex. As far as telephone calls, text messaging, etc., it can be a chore for us to answer these because we have to work to take our mind off the task we are currently doing and switch to the task of processing and answering the message. In many cases, when I am working on something, my brain is processing the task at hand and may be completely oblivious when someone is talking or trying to get my attention. Verbal communication requires my undivided attention. If there is more than one conversation going on in my vicinity, it is very difficult for me to understand anything being said.

I have an ability to run models, simulations, etc. in my mind when I am designing something, trying to solve a problem, or am troubleshooting a device. When I am doing this, I tend to be unaware what is being said or what is in my field of vision. When my brain is in this mode, I am processing a task just the same as if I am working on the computer, reading a book or fixing a car. I don't know how much of this applies to your boyfriend, because each of us are different. I am diagnosed with autistic disorder which is generally considered one of the most severe forms of autism. Even around people I know and like, things like body language, facial expressions, and eye contact are difficult for me. However, this does not mean that I like someone less or dislike them. It only means that I have to work to maintain contact.

Last edited by cyberscan on 08 Jun 2009, 6:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

How do you get an NT to fall in love with you?

That, my friend, is the million dollar question. I would love to know.

The main reason I think it's related to AS is because it largely has to do with the structure and rigidity of his habits and work life. But you do make a good point

Immersive, you sound *exactly* like him when you say that you just didn't realize that physical contact is normal or expected. It is so reassuring to hear that, because it can be easy to assume that he just doesn't care. He's very responsive when I initiate it or when I make suggestions about touching me or just sitting closer to me sometimes. I think I'll just be more verbal with my needs and hope that he'll continue to be responsive. As long as he's reciprocating because he wants to and not because it's just obligatory, than this is a good start.

He says that keeping contact is something he has to focus on or else it doesn't happen. I think it's just like his job--it's something that he wants, but it isn't manual for him the way it is for me.

And how to get an NT to fall in love with you? Hm. I think it's really interesting that this seems so out of reach. I've never met anyone with such focus or patience or drive, and that is more appealing than any socially-aware NT I have ever met. I'm an emotional woman and it's a perfect balance to have a man with such logic and who has an incredible ability to solve problems without the hindrance of personal interest or emotion. Honestly, I wish more guys were like this. Even with his "hangups" and inability to innately respond to my needs, he is more caring and he really listens and tries to work on these difficult social interactions with me. I've never met an NT male who is so willing to listen to me when we discuss how to better our relationship. He can appear very selfish sometimes during conversation and in his need for solitude, but I think that's more of his avoidance on situations which may make him uncomfortable. This is all very attractive to women, so don't lose hope. Geez, I've already told this man he's going to marry me and he hasn't run away. THAT is a miracle (and yes, I was kind of kidding when I said that, but still, he took it quite well).

I do get concerned that he thinks he's damaged, while I think this can all be changed and/or worked on. I don't want any partner or friend of mine to feel damaged.

You sound just like my girlfriend. She told me she was going to marry me during our very first conversation. Of course, it took about 6 months before I reciprocated any feelings back, so she ended up having to be very patient.

How to make an NT girl fall in love with you? There are probably many ways that will continue to be shrouded in mystery. You have to find the ones that will be attracted to your traits who isn't concerned with superficial qualities. They do exist, although after 24 years of more-or-less solitude I had pretty much given up on a relationship before I found one (or rather, she found me). If you were to ask her, she would tell you the reason she was attracted to me was due to my inherently logical nature and intense intellectual focus. Like ithinkican, she's very emotional (not a bad thing!) and we end up complementing each other well. In any situation, I provide an objective, logical analysis, and she's my emotional compass.

It helps if you can put yourself in situations where you are able to demonstrate your better traits in the hopes that someone might see it and become interested. For example, I work in academia, and between teaching classes and giving research presentations, I get plenty of time to showcase my abilities in front of others. You do that long enough, and sooner or later a girl might come along and think to herself, "That guy looks really fascinating!"

Drop him. He's obviously not really interested in you.

Wow. Cynical much?

I don't understand how she can be interested in a man that's obviously not able to be interested in anyone!

Are you a complete tool or just a troll? Seriously, that's damaged.

Hahahahaha, omg! absolute pure gold, you should be a comedian. Coming from an aspie as well? I need to walk away from the computer before i wet myself.

It seems to me that the troll in question is the weirdo who started thhs topic.

Please elaborate.