NT needs Advice

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I have been dating an Aspie for the past several months. He is amazing, he's everything I've ever wanted and more. But.... here lately he never calls or emails. At first we talked all the time either on the phone or thru emails and now... we only talk when I initiate the conversation. I've talked to him about it, and he said that he is dedicated to this relationship. But I just keep going back to how we used to talk all the time and now we don't. I continue to research and read about AS and I know that it will cause him to respond differently then other men to certain things. Outside of this one area, the not calling, he is everything I could have ever wanted and when we are together the chemisty is amazing. How do I deal with this ? I don't mind calling him but I don't want to do it all ? Any suggestions from anyone ? I really want this relationship to work but I'm not sure how it will grow with a lack of communication. And the sudden shift from him trying to communicate to not seeming like he cares if we talk of not is really messing with my head and heart.

Have you brought this concern up with him? There could be a legitimate reason behind all this that you don't know about...

As always I have to put forth the disclaimer that this doesn't apply to all Aspies, and I only have my on personal experience to go on. That said, just ask him about it. With one of us, it's usually best to not rack your brain trying to interpret subtle signals and the like and just be direct.

i have talked to him about it. he said he was dedicated to this relationship. that it wasn't me. he was busy. so now i feel like if i bring it up again i will appear to be nagging. i don't know i don't get it.

Well, in my limited personal experience, a relationship takes on the same pattern as an Aspie obsession. Now, my obesession stay the same, mostly, but my focus shifts. One week I'm really into astronomy and the next I'm spending all my time memorizing formulas for World Of WarCraft. So maybe he's just really focused on one or two particular obsessions right now. He said he had been busy, right?
I just wouldn't take it too personally. It doesn't sound like he has forgotten you or lost interest. We just aren't good at multi-tasking or controlling our obsessions.
I hope this make sense and that it helps a bit.

it does and thank you for the input. I just need to figure out how to shift his attention back over to me...lol.

signed
the needy nt girl.

The best thing to do is to be consistent... aspies really love that... it gives us something to grab hold of while trying to understand just what the hell is going on...

AS isn't an excuse for emotional neglect. If he's that focused on his other hobbies, he's likely to always be like that throughout the relationship. Let him know early on that you do not find this acceptable and see if he's committed to trying to change (don't accept wishy washy get outs like 'I'll try....': make sure there is evidence).

He may not be able to call as much as early on in the relationship (people run out of things to say), but he should be able to remember to pick up the phone occasionally and dial. If he doesn't, you'll need to ask yourself if the relationship is worth it (it may be) or if you'd rather find someone more communicative.

OK, I'm going to guess that you meant that tongue-in-cheek, but you might want to take a close look at what your expectations and needs really are. People who need a lot of external affirmation and support aren't going to do well with an Aspie, because not only do we not recognize the need, after a while some of us will feel repulsed by it.

My own NT partner of 9 years was looking to become more emotionally self-sufficient and she's says I'm a great help with that! Emotionally she's often on her own, because I am not available on that level at that time. I still care very deeply for her, but the extra energy to extend myself, pull myself out of my own interests, etc. is simply not there. And there are times when I can be there 100%, but it's not a consistent sort of thing.

You haven't said how old the two of you are, but if you're 20-somethings, then the polite calls, etc to keep up the relationship is probably something he will have to consciously learn to do. Have you tried calmly but bluntly telling him you want him to call you on a particular night? That might be a big help... he doesn't have to make any judgement calls about when it is appropriate to phone you. Even that small stress can result in terminal indecision and no phone call... a side thought: have you ever complained, even jokingly, about a time he called? That might be complicating things...

For example, if he called once and you were busy and told him "I can't talk to you now, I'm busy!" he might wonder when it is safe to call, trying to figure out when you're busy and when you're not, can't decide, decides to play it safe and voila! ... no phone call. Out of courtesy and consideration...

Aspies can think like that, because we try so hard to get it right. So we get stuck in indecision.

I think that is the problem right there. That is exactly how I am and I can promise I would be behaving the same way if I were this guy. If you give me any kind of task that involves intuiting another person's expections (i.e. the right time to call), 99% of the time I will get so caught up in trying to work it out logically that I will never be able to make a decision.

I would definitely try giving him a day or time range to call you.

He's just accepted that he's not going to get your panties off as quickly and as often as he wants to.

That's quite rude, and based on the information given, completely unfounded.

That's a tad... cynical, isn't it, Loner?

Ditzy, from my own experience, in addition to the timing issue mentioned above, sometimes it simply doesn't occur to me that I haven't called or talked to someone in a while - if a memory is vivid, I may be convinced it happened yesterday, or at most a few days ago, when in fact the temporal gap is more on the order of weeks or months. My wife has learned to tolerate this little eccentricity... But yes, it's quite possible that he's caught up in trying to logically reason out what the optimal time is for calling, and the optimal spacing between calls, so he never really gets around to the actual calling part. It also may not occur to him that when he thinks of you, you might like a verbal confirmation of that fact.

There may, of course, be some other issue as well - but one thing I've learned in 45 years of navigating this syndrome is that we need open, honest, blunt communication even more than an NT/NT couple...

Is there anything else than getting laid that we Aspie men want from women?

Um...yes... a lot more. If all you require is sexual gratification, there are professionals, products, and your hand. A man gets into a relationship with a woman because of who she is and the way she makes him feel. And, while certainly not to be excluded as an integral part of the relationship, sex is, over the long-term, trivial. Do you really think that a man who has been with his wife for 30-40 years looks back on things and thinks "Wow, what a great lay."?
Women are human beings with as much nuance, complexity and personality as any man. To reduce the OP down to nothing more than (pardon my crudeness) a chunk of meat with a slit in it is just inexcuseable.

How many Aspie men does REALLY want to have anything else than casual sex?!